Sunday, December 16, 2007
For those of you that are healthy and cancer free, do the rest of us a favor and don't play soothsayer. Don't act like you possibly know what the real cause is, because even our docs don't know. We don't know. I mean, holy cow could it it all the house cleaners I use? The alcohol I drink? The meat I eat? The grudges I hold? Am I a bad person? Am I good person with shitty luck?
Keep your theories to yourself and I will keep my putrid, black, hateful thoughts away from you. Unless of course you dig that kind of stuff. I know some who do...And I love them even more for it.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
I wondered what cancer free would look like. If that's what I truly am...cancer free. Are we ever cancer free? Is it ever off our minds and our hearts? Does a day go by that we don't use the word cancer in a sentence?
No matter how life goes on or how busy we get, do we recover?
Looking in the mirror from the neck down on any given day reminds me. I now call my chest the bone yard. I mean that affectionately of course. Anthony says I should get a set of wings tattooed on my chest, yet have the wings coming off a rib cage. Yea, he thinks he's funny sometimes. I will not mention other funny things he says.
Ugh, sometimes I am sick of me.
Anyhoo, we survived Thanksgiving and we are on the Christmas. The girls are excited and life is busy. How dare I complain huh?
I have been an absent blogger I know. My head is filled with things to write yet my time is never idle these days to sit and type. Maybe after the new year!
My head is a box full of nothing
and that's the way I like it
My garden's a secret compartment
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
Your body's a dream that turns violent
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
The winter is long in the city
and that's the way I like it
Open your heart
Catch my disease
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Despite the fact that I have two kids and a committed relationship with the same man for 8 years...I am not married. Nor will I be. i have no plans to be married nor does my partner.
For me, the is nothing that a legal document can change anything for me. i will not be more of a mate of a better mommy. I will not change my name or my status in society. Our I's are dotted and our T's are crossed. We have insurance policies and health care. I have all the papers documented. So why would I get married? Let me think about that.
I have been asked many times when we will marry. Too many to count.
Do you want me to marry for religious reasons? If so, give me those reasons and I will think about it.
My relationship with my partner is not one of either one of us dying to make it all "legal." I admit, there was a time that I thought we would and I truly wanted it. But a lot has happened in these eight years that has me to believe nothing would change. Being married doesn't make people stay together. Commitment, compromise, devotion. That's what keeps my family together. Some of you who read this are married. Perhaps not your first marriage. Being a couple is never easy 100% of the time. and a ceremony will not change that.
We are a family, the four of us. Nothing, nothing will ever change that.
I'm a girl, I'm a boy
And the goddess meant for me only joy
And real love requires you, give up those loves
Whom you think you love best
Love puts you through the test
And only loyal love will be me happiness
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way,
they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being
or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly
won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is
nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every
of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Bold
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything
"If you can't do something right, get a woman to do it."
Your long eye lashes looking up at your mommy as you nursed.
Tiny fingers wrapping around locks of hair.
Your heavy breathing with fluttery eyelids.
Your quick heartbeat that only babies have.
The smell of your smooth creaseless skin.
You were so dreamy and ended up being a misty thought.
You were here and then you weren't.
Your mommy missed you but never knew you.
Tears came and plans changed.
You'll always be in your mommy's dreams.
Sweet sweet dreams.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
At the time I had long dark straight beautiful long hair. I think now it seems almost black and fro-ish.
The drinks were flowing and the music was good. We were silly and and had a great time. The kids played and giggled.
She works at Salon Joseph in Seattle if you want a great hair style and a lot of laughs!!!!!!!!!
600 W McGraw Street
Seattle, WA 98119-5801 Phone: 206.285.1113
Was it call from your doctor? Was it a confession from a loved one?
I am not in the business of hurting folks. I would rather take the pain on myself to rescue others from hurt.
Hell on earth is watching the people you love get hurt. Especially children. I would do anything in my power for my girls to never feel pain. Emotionally or physically. Any parent would.
Heaven on earth is the joy of raising happy children. Helping them to be good people.
I love my family. I want to honor them and keep them from pain. I want to be a shield that will take the flying arrows. I never want to be the bringer of pain. And if I do, I am sorry. I am so sorry.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The fro I go after chemo.
The hair that has become a mullet.
The FroMullette, as it have been named by Anna and Kevin.
Oh yea, it's getting big.
I have NEVER had curly hair in my whole life that was not chemically induced. It's a whole new ball game here folks. New products. New style. Complete confusion. Don't get me wrong, I am sooooooooo happy to have hair these days!
I was reading a fellow bloggers entry about a certain hair commercial. It's a commercial that I had seen the other day. These chicks swinging their hair everywhere. The announcer implying that it's how hair should be. As if all the world's problems would be fixed if we used this product and our hair flowed as the model's did. Maybe that's right. If I had good hair, cancer would dim in comparison. World hunger and suffering would come to a halt if we all had sexy hair.
I refuse to name the product and give it ad time on my blog.
I will say, I may go but it and rub it all over my now erased flat chest and see if it feels better. :)
Saturday, November 10, 2007
I have some friends who probably believe that. Not in a literal sense, but definitely figuratively speaking.
I had a girl's night last week with my cancer club friends. We had a great time. As I looked around the table I saw some women who definitely felt like they they had been through hell.
N-she's the furthest out from diagnosis and treatment. She's our mentor. She's got some cute little man made boobies and a great laugh to go with them.
C- has a new man, a new house and looking for one boob to go.
A- our actress and house funny girl.
K- keepin it real with her dark side.
C- growin hair and boob shoppin'.
P- sly smile and great humor. Her hair is circa Mia during the Sinatra days.
S- always has the best shoes and attitude.
We drank and ate and laughed our asses off. Folks probably looked over at us to see what all the noise was about. These days you can't tell what we've been through by just looking at us. We have hair, pink skin, and boobs(some real, some not). Out humor can be quite dark. Our jokes completely distasteful. We have the same path, just some different turns in the road.
We all wake up on this side of the grass and that's a good thing.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
I wish I could even list all that has been going on. Nothing bad. Just life.
You know, the usual stuff. At the end of the day I am pooped.
This week the girls and I are going to Texas to see my folks. Anthony is going to Maui on a dude surf trip. Then we will go to Oregon for turkey day and after that, Anthony is off to a business trip.
We had a great Halloween. The girls dressed as puppies.
The year is coming to an end amazingly quick.
Hope all is well for you.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The pay is not that great and I work about 25 hours a day.
You see, I don't like to be booked up and scheduled too much. The pinch is, I am, now that Elliot has started big girl school. Some of it is self imposed and some is having 2 kids. I have a dear friend that has been busy since the day I met her. She never seems to tire or complain. I on the other hand do nothing but bitch and moan. She says I have a sense of entitlement, and I do. I am entitled to complain about being busy.
I constantly feel like I am forgetting something. If you have ever heard of chemo brain...I have it!
I can't remember things and words and sometimes the names of my children. I do not kid here. I seriously can't remember anything!!!!!!!!!
I know that there a folks in the world that would line up for my problems. I have a good life. Just right now, I feel as though I am falling down a deep deep abyss.
On top of it all, a lady at the grocery store today asked me if Wyatt was my grand daughter. Do I look that freakin' fried?
Perhaps so. I need a raise and more comp time...
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Wyatt: (smiling) My bum is talking to you.
Me: What's it saying?
Wyatt: It saying I love you.
I hope she tells her husband that someday.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
I think about the kind of women I want my girls to grow up to be. I don't mean in the sense that they should be cheerleaders or scholars, jocks or musicians. I mean in how they treat themselves and how the expect others to treat them.
We teach children to be kind to others, but do we teach them to be kind to themselves? Do we teach them to love themselves? Did your parents tell you to love yourself? Maybe the did, maybe they didn't. Did they tell you that you are smart? Did they tell you that you could be anything and do anything you set your heart to?
My mom did not tell me these things. I saw things as a child that no child should even know about. I saw things that would make me hate myself. I was not told to go to college. I was not told I was just fine the way I was.
I feel as a mother of two girls, I really need to invest in their self worth. I know every child should have that, I am just focusing on my girls.
I take great care to NEVER say the words "I'm fat." I take care to never give the impression that life would be better if I were physically different. A major reason I will never have reconstruction on my mastectomy is the fact that I need to show my girls that there is no physical attribute that will define who I am as a woman/human. I am not against what others do. I just need to do this in my house. Which is another lesson. Don't worry about what others do or think, worry about what feels right in your own house.
We talk about eating healthy and exercising to be healthy. These two subjects are not moral issues at my house. You are not good or bad for the choices you make. We just imply healthy choices make you feel good. There's no judgment whether you eat meat or junk food. Eating fried tofu can kill your heart just like a french fry. Don't get uppity with me about this.
My friend Shannon sent me the link below. It got me thinking about all this.
If we do not teach girls they rock no matter what, believe me...someone else will, and they do not love your children.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month.
If you are reading this blog, you have been touched by breast cancer. I may be a friend, or relative, acquaintance, or the lady you pass at the grocery store. Whatever I am to you, consider yourself touched. You now know someone with breast cancer. You lucky devil :)
The good news is, I am not contagious. The bad news is, I have no boobs.
I kid, I kid...
I hope and pray that if you do know me, or if you read this by chance, that I am the ONLY person you know who has breast cancer. May it never touch your life again, or mine.
Friday, September 28, 2007
At that time I felt as though I was slowly being disassembled. I felt as though I would gladly remove what ever body part(s) I needed to to see my girls grow up.
A lot can happen in a year. Wounds heal. Hearts mend. Despair can be replaced by hope.
I have been through chemo. I have cried many tears. I have gained many pounds. My body at times does not feel like my own. But my life is my own. I live it gladly, lumps, bumps and all.
My children are awesome, My relationship with my partner fulfills me. My family is thriving and I have the best friends a person could want on this earth.
Inshallah. That's what is it.
You can take pieces of me away, but I will come back every, better for it each time.
I have not been able to really blog about this walk. In my own selfish way I have kept it to myself so that I could roll it around in my head for a while. You see, it was amazing. I have not been able to come up with the words to fully explain it all. It's just too much. There are SO many things to say but I can't.
I will just say this, we laughed our asses off. We might of cried a little too. It was simply the best. I can not do it justice by blogging about it.
Just know I loved it. It physically took a lot out of me and my team. I have decided I would do it over and over just to capture that feeling again. It's like a drug.
I love you Lickity Splits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I am tired beyond words.
I have lost a toenail.
I caught my toddler sticking Polly Pocket shoes up her hoo hoo.
I have had a cold.
I found mouse poop in my storage drawers downstairs.
There is orange marker on my walls, carpet, and couch.
My fro is starting to make me look like Elvis (the fat Elvis).
My other half wants me to go through stuff to make a dump pile. Sure, right after I cook dinner dear.
My calendar is booked EVERYDAY this week. That alone makes me pissy.
I have not had the time or energy to blog or read blogs.
I have Vitamin H on Friday, which may be a needed break, although it means going to the hospital.
Oh I could go on and on. I want to blog about the walk and all the hilarious stuff that happened but I have yet to get there.
Pity....party of one, your table is ready...
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Saturday, September 01, 2007
That incident led to this blog. I got to thinking, do the suffering have a sense for each other? Do people who go through some kind of trauma seek each other out in crowds? Do we pass others and look for the sign? The slight smile when seeing a bald head, or flat chest, or pink wrist band. Words are rarely spoken. Do we seek out those who have same life experiences as ourselves? As my friend Jason said, if you drove a certain car, say a jeep(I used to have one) wouldn't you notice other jeeps all the time? My answer was YES!!!! That's what I'm talking about!
Here's a little story that proves my point: How I got discovered in Target.
When I first started chemo I was in Target one day giving my girls the best nutrition Target has to offer...hotdogs. As I was sitting there trying to keep the mustard volcano from taking us over, I noticed a woman standing at the counter. She has really cute SHORT hair and a pink wrist band. I was almost completely bald and wearing a hat. We were checking each other out. We had "the look." We had no choice but to start talking. She had just finished chemo and asked me if I was going to any support groups. I said I wasn't and she invited me to hers. We traded emails and I am proud to say that she, Carol, is my friend and my hero. If it weren't for her, I would have never joined cancer club. I wouldn't be doing the 3day walk, I would not have some of the most amzing women in my life.
So see? maybe we do seek each other out. Maybe we feel we are different from the population and we need to find others who know our plight.
If you see me round town come up and say hi, unless I find you first.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Elliot starts Kindergarten next Thursday. Due to that fact, I have named this installment:
Next week starts the end and the beginning of something.
The end of something.
I am hit hard by the fact that Elliot is five and not a baby anymore. Since she was born I have done my best to take care of her, entertain her, and educate her. As next week approaches, it will be in someone else's hands for half a day, five days a week.
A new beginning.
Babies are only babies for so long. Way too soon, you have to let them walk on their own. And so it goes, my oldest heads to school. Backpack full of goodies. Excitement in her heart. She has no fear. These last five years I have done all I could to make her strong and confidant. Not to toot my own horn, but my goal has been accomplished. She is so kind. She is gentle. She's a little mommy looking out for her sister. I could not be any more proud of her than I am. I know she'll do well intellectually as well as socially.
She's my rock star.
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I want to give a shout out to my friend Sarah. I met Sarah on the my last chemo Feb 1, 2007. She was still in treatment at the time. Bald but totally beautiful, as was I(bald). There was this connection for me. This intangible- I get you, I know you- thing that sometimes comes when you met someone in the same boat as you. We had some laughs, exchanged emails, off we went on our way. Then I saw her at Club last night. I didn't recognize her with all her hair! We went around doing intros and she said her name!! I was thrilled! My homey from GHC. Welcome Sarah! SO good to see you again.
I was listening to Dixie Chicks this morning on the tread mill. I was walking and crying at the same time. Something I never knew I could do. I am quite uncoordinated. Anyhoo, the words really hit me this time. I have heard the song a million times. I was thinking about the line that says-She won't be coming back with the rest, If these are life's lessons she'll take the test.
That's really how I feel. I am different. I have less body parts, I have no tolernace for silly stuff, but I have this life. I am living a life that I didn't completely agree to, yet here I am. Living. I am not a survivor, I am surviving. I am waking up everyday on this side of the grass and that's a good thing.
I have a new name for my hair do. It's my ChoFro. My fro from my chemo. ChoFro. Smooth over the tongue huh?
She traveled this road as a child
Wide-eyed and grinning she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take the test
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
Monday, August 20, 2007
Venting, giving out info so I don't have to tell the same story over and over.
2. Are you happy with your blog/website?
Why, yes I am.
3. Have you altered your blog template or does it display it's original settings?
I have. I started out with shades of pink, I am now moving away from that in my recovery from breast cancer.
4. Do you post many pictures on your blog/website?
5. What made you decide to begin "blogging"?
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer a second time, I decided that I would use a blog as a journal, and as a way to communicate where I was in treatment when I did not feel like talking to anyone.
6. Do you make money with your blog?
7. Do you post personal info on your blog?
Only to a point. It may seem that I do, but in reality I guarded in what I do tell.
8. To your knowledge does your spouse and/or loved ones read your blog?
9. Where do you access your blog? (home, work, library, etc.)
Home, I am a SAHM.
10. Have you ever posted a YouTube video on your blog/website?
11. Do you list the blogs/websites of friends/loved ones on your website?
If I only know how, I certainly would.
12. On average, how many comments do your posts receive? Most? Least(if not 0)?
13. Is your blog a creative outlet? A soapbox? A record of your life for future generations? All of the above?
All of the above.
14. What is the one thing you would change about your blog/website?
I already changed it. I will no longer accept anonymous comments.
15. Would you like me to post an entry later displaying your blog/website address? If so, tell me and leave me a link to your place in a later post.
That would be great.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
When I was a flight attendant, all I had to do is stick a pre-made coffee packet in a slot and push a button. Bam, we had coffee.
Here at home we have a coffee maker that is like an alien that sits on my counter. Anthony knows how to make it, and so he does.
I realized this morning that out of all the things I do and know how to do, I do not want this skill. There is something nice about having someone you love make coffee for you. Just like a peanut butter sandwich or grill cheese. You can make it yourself, but it tastes better when someone else makes it. The molecules are different when made by other hands. It's just magical.
I feel taken care of and pampered when I smell coffee and I am still in bed. I know that my man has made it for me. Please know that I am not a pampered kind of chic. So this one little gesture makes me feel like the Queen of Sheba.
My hope is that all get this feeling over something so small, yet so big at the same time.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Yup, we did. He was way more upset than I was...Still is, if you need the truth.
Anyhoo, he would NOT stop calling me and bugging all summer. We agreed he could see other people, but I was going to take some time and be alone. It's me, I told him, not you.
I played the field all summer. I did what I wanted, took walks outside. I didn't really commit to anything, and for a while I really liked being so free. But then the other day I got this pang. I felt like I needed to go see Gym just to see if he was still heartbroken over our "time off."
You know what? He hardly recognized me. There where women all over him!!!!!!!!! Skinny, fit chicks! WITH BOOBS! Now I can only tell you this, but I was so jealous! Here I was looking overfed and pudgy and Gym had gone on with his life like I had never left! How dare he! So I started flirting with him and made him realize he missed me even though all those other women kept coming around.
We are getting back together but he thinks it's his idea. Silly Gym. ;)
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
1 I love to read
2 We meet at a restaurant
3 I love to eat
4 I love the gals who are members
5 I love to read a book I usually wouldn't pick
6 I love a night out to myself
7 I love not having to share dessert with my kids
8 I love having a glass of wine with my dinner
9 I love catching up on gossip
10 I love to talk about books
11 I love it when book talk turns to other subjects
12 I love listening
13 I love that sometimes we go to the movies instead
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.
2) Cars with radios so loud I can hear it in my house with all the windows closed.
4) People who lie and/or cheat in any form.
3 things that people do that make you want to shake them violently.
1. Act passive-aggressive and then act like they have no idea what you are talking about when you call them on it.
2. Chew food or gum with mouth open and smacking.
3. Correct my children when I am standing right there.
2 things you find yourself moaning about.
2. My weight.
1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.That my bullshit meter is very low.
* Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.
* Be as honest as possible so people will get to know the real you.
* Try not to insult anyone unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly.
* Post these rules at the end of every meme
Sunday, August 12, 2007
1. My mother gave me the middle name Gerine. I hated it my whole life and I dropped it. The government knows me as Maria Ewing. Gerine only exists on my birth certificate.
2. I hate seafood but I will eat a tuna sandwhich. You know with pickles, mayo, and stuff.
3. I didn't think I would ever have children. I have two and wish I could have four.
4. The first boy I kissed was when I was in 6th grade. His name is Greg Hammer.
5. I HATE it when people smack and pop their gum. So low rent.
6. I have had 6 jobs in my life. I am not including motherhood. That's the most time consuming...
7. I was baptized Catholic.
8. I love shoes and have too many.
9. I was a cheerleader in jr high and high school.
10. I just recently started drinking coffee.
11. I have kissed a girl, with tongue.
12. I love reality TV, 24, and Lost.
13. I love fall and rainy weather. That's why I moved to Seattle.
14. I have four tattoos. I may get another one. Who knows.
15. I have had breast cancer twice.
16. My favorite color is red.
17. I was a gymnast from age 5 until 14. I competed regularly. I went to soooo many gymnastic camps every summer of those years.
18. I had an opportunity to live in NYC when I started flying and I was too scared to do it. I regret not moving there to this day.
19. I am related to Helen Keller.
20. I do not have a relationship with my biological mother.
21. I have not been to Europe.
22. I have a very healthy self esteem.
23. I like hamburgers, I like cheese, I don't like cheese burgers.
24. I lived in a trailer park as a kid and consider myself white trash.
25. I am a democrat.
26. My mother was abused and I had a long relationship with someone who abused me.
27. I had two c-Sections.
28. I have had stick straight hair my whole life and now, after chemo I have curly hair!!!!!!!!!!! I so deserve it. Cut off your tits, get better hair. Seems fair.
29. If I were on death row and I was asked what my last meal would be, I would ask for chicken friend steak, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans cooked in bacon.
30. I think vegetarians should only get to eat vegetables. None of this fake meat, chicken and cheese stuff. If you don't want to eat meat don't try to fake yourself out. Believe me, that crap tastes like crap.
31. I would rather cook with gas.
32. I was born in Denver but moved to Texas when I was 3. I moved to Seattle in 1998.
33. My oldest daughter looks just like me and me youngest looks just like her daddy. You would not believe that I have been asked more than once if they have the same father!!!!!!!!!!
34. I believe an African American man will be president before a woman.
35. I am a really good cook.
36. I belong to a book club. How Oprah of me.
37. I hate anime.
38. My favorite movie is "The Color Purple."
39. Target is my favorite place in the world and I believe they pump happy gas through the air system to keep us coming back. Yes, yes, drink the kool-aid!
40. I prefer a Merlot to a Cab..
41. I do not have a home phone, only a cell phone.
42. I have only broken one bone on my life. That being a toe. When I was a kid I always wanted a broken arm or leg so my friends would carry my books.
43. When I was almost 9 months pregnant with my second child, someone told me my relationship with my partner will never last. I delivered two weeks later and I am still in the same relationship 2.5 years later.
44. I have worn glasses since 3rd grade.
45. I hate passive-aggressiveness.
46. I have done 2 sprint triathlons.
47. I always have my toenails painted.
48. I do not like John Wayne or Elvis.
49. I am an only child.
50. I am only half way done with this and have no idea what i will write for the next 50.
51. I believe that I have a book in me. I seriously think I will have a book published some day.
52. I have walk on the field of Texas Stadium where the Dallas Cowboys play.
53. I am geeked out by swimming under things.
54. My first car was a Chrysler Cordoba with rich Corinthian leather.
55. I love nachos from 7-11.
56. My first job was at K-mart in the shoe department.
57. One Halloween I dressed up as Holly Hobbey with the hat and everything.
58. Frida Khalo is my personal heroine. I had a cat named after her and I have been to her house in Mexico.
59. I have drank alcohol, smoked pot, snorted coke, taken acid and mushrooms.
60. I truly feel one of the greatest luxuries in life is watching TV in bed.
60. I think O.J. did it.
61. I could o.d. on ding dongs.
62. I make the best scrambled eggs on the planet.
63. I had a Yamaha 60cc motorcycle when I was a kid.
64. I breast fed two kids from one boob a total of 30 months.
65. I love McDonalds.
66. Cannon Beach OR is my favorite place on the planet.
67. I once had a jeep. I LOVED that car. It was my dream car.
68. I am Pro Choice.
69. I always wanted to be a hair dresser.
70. I don't really like to gamble.
71. I do not like to go hiking.
72. Since chemo I do not sleep well. My best sleeping time is 5:30-9:00. In the morning.
73. I didn't eat Thai food until 9 years ago.
74. I had a list of baby names since high school even though I didn't think I would ever have kids.
75. My best friend in 4th grade was named Maria.
76. I really suck at most sports.
77. I am jaded
78. I am cynical.
79. I only trust two people...One of them is me and the other is not you.
80. I have brown hair and brown eyes.
81. I am pretty short. 5'2"
82. Diet Coke is my drink of choice.
83. I am not good at remembering to take pills like vitamins.
84. The smell of vitamins makes me gag.
85. I can remember being a kid thinking I was a really good singer.
86. When I was a kid I wanted to be called Marie like Donny and Marie, instead of Maria.
87. I am Irish/Italian decent. A predisposed bitch.
88. I do not know how to ride a bike without holding on to the handle bars like the cool kids do.
89. My favorite flower is a Gerber Daisey.
90. Bacon is not my best friend, but I love it all the same.
91. I love my children more than air.
92. I think sour kraut is just that, sour kraut.
93. I have free life times stand by passes from my former airlines employer. No, they don't always go anywhere.
94. I have a dog named LaLa that my oldest child named.
95. Both of my children still sleep with me.
96. I would take a rainy day over a sunny day, everytime!
97. Taco Bueno rocks my world.
98. I can successfully navigate the subway system in NYC.
99. Coors Light is my favorite beer.
100. Someday I like vanilla, some days I like chocolate.
Friday night I had a girls night with "Cancer Club."
Holy Cow, we laughed our asses off. How did I get so lucky to have these gals in my life? I guess that I had to get cancer huh?
I have a couple of subjects...just ramblin'...
The girls and I went to Texas last week to see my folks. It was my dad's birthday. At 63 I took my dad to get his first tattoo.He is so proud of it. He's a Harley rider and got Live to Ride on his arm. What a biker!!!
I also got to spend the day with my friend Jacqueline and her family while I was down there. Jacq came up to Seattle to do a chemo with me and she will be here in September to do the 3day Walk with me. I have known her since I was 24 and I love her.
We're still shopping for Jesus. I am digging a church a church we have found. The girls really like church school there and A and I like the pastor and his way of delivering his service. We want to find God, not a religion. Here I go on a tangent...
Organized religion is created by man. Man sets up the doctrines. Man sets up the "rules." I cannot stand the fact that a human can walk this earth and thinks they have the right to judge anyone. It makes me COMPLETELY INSANE. COMPLETELY. Ohh I feel my blood rising right now. There are folks that go to church every week without fail, but sit there in contempt of those who don't do it the way they think we should. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. They enter the house of God, but are they really there? Living your life as a witness does not include badgering and judgment. My feelings on this bottleneck in my fingers as I want to type them out.
I went to the hospital on Friday to have vitamin H. After I finished I was about to get on the elevator. There were two women there in tears. After we all got on the elevator the older one told me that she just found out that her cancer has gone away. She said she was 82 and her cancer is gone after chemo! I thought to myself... Holy cow, I pray to be 82!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My deepest wish in this world to see my grandchildren and be 82 freakin' years old. I gave her a hug and told her how happy I was to hear that!
Elliot's first day of school is getting closer. The 3Day Walk is getting close.
Life is busy. I have genetic counseling this week and maybe some travel that I really don't look forward to. Necessary evil.
I joined a group called Shewhoblogs. This blogging world is so incredible.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
I'll start from the beginning...
I met K in November at my first Cancer Club meeting. She was soft spoken and quiet and pregnant. We both go to the same health care provider so we knew we had a little bond.
Chemo does not create an organized mind, so it took months before we really connected.
She had her miracle Eleanor and we were starting to see each other more. Sometimes at Club, sometimes on a walk. One night having drinks after CClub.
That's when I realized what a sly devil this chick is. Don't let the quiet manner of the person fool you. She'll throw down a joke or f-bomb, and you won't know what hit you until you wipe your eyes from laughing and your side hurts.
I will not go in to much detail, but I will say that her walk with cancer is going to take a bit longer than she ever wanted NOT to imagine.
There is a plethora of feelings running many of us. Confusion, grief, ANGER. That's right anonymous...hard biting ANGER. We are pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are pissed that anyone of us must go through this in any form.
When we started with this breast cancer journey, none of us knew each other. (When I say we or us I mean Cancer Club)
There's a few of us that are on the same time line as far as diagnoses, surgery, and chemo. It felt like, ok, we're doing good, starting to look and feel "normal." We each have our own story and now we have each other. We can relate. We are not alone. Our family and friends have been there for us, but in reality, it's our bodies that are fighting, not theirs. I am not in any way down playing the support of anyone, just pointing out that in Cancer Club, we have walked in each others shoes.
My point is this...
K-Dawg, your lung is my lung. Your sadness is mine. Your dream to see your grandchildren is mine. I know your have your loved ones there for you, but also know that you have me and Anna. We will do drugs with you, we will hold your hand in treatment. Will will laugh and cry with you. If you need something ask. We will walk beside you and carry you when you feel you can no longer walk.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Look at you with your miracle! You carried that child through one of the hardest times of your life. Through surgery, through chemo. She was your reason for hope.
I have my arms wrapped around you tomorrow.
Everything. Will. Be. Fine.
You are one of the coolest people I know. You, with your wry humor and sly smile. So soft spoken and then WHAM! a gut wretchedly funny one liner. You talk like a sailor and I love you for it. You shoot straight from the hip and I like that.
You have a friend for life in me. For a very very very long healthy happy life.
I love you my sista.
As long as one person in this world has cancer, we all do. I am so proud to stand by you!!!!!!
Friday, July 20, 2007
I was never a big fan myself, but I saw her on there struggling to take a breath. I wanted to reach out and hold her. She's dying from cancer. I don't really know what kind. It doesn't really matter does it? She's dying. She weighs 65 pounds. It made my stomach hurt to watch her.
This week someone from Cancer Club died. Her husband and children and her parents were at her side. This week her children had to go to bed without their mommy. Devastating. Her parents had to watch her die as did her husband. What do you do with that? How does one contend with that? It is completely unfair. Those children have no mother. A husband lost his mate. A parent lost their child.
So stinkin' sad.
I changed them for a couple of reasons. One being that I am moving on. I am uninviting cancer to hang out with me.
There are an array of colors there now. Kinda hip don't ya think?
So let's address Anonymous for a sec...
You really pissed me off. You also pissed of some of my Cancer Club gals. They, like me, wonder how you could possibly assume to know anything about how we feel in order to even make a comment. You DON'T want the Pink Possee after you I promise.
I am babysitting Baby LoLo today. She's such a sweet thing.
It's a rainy summer day here in Seattle. Anthony has been on another business trip this week and gets back tonight.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
How cowardly to leave a comment on how angry I am. Do you even get it? Do you see the joke? Do you see that it feels good to hate others doing my laundry rather than moping around about cancer?
I have a really good idea who you are. Not to point fingers or anything. Our relationship or lack there of is no secret.
Don't give me your bullshit wisdom :
"Why is life so hard for you express so much pain and stress over laundry. Anger damages and creates unhealthy immunities. Let the dirty laundry go. Life is more than laundry."
You know you are so right. I should really change...
Did you proof read what you wrote? I think you left some words out. That is a tell tale sign of who you are.
I cannot stand people like you.
That's how I really feel. How's that for anger?
Fuck you and fuck cancer. Fuck having my body chopped up. Fuck seeing friends die. Fuck the fact there is no cure. Fuck people doing my laundry. Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck people who leave anonymous comments as if it will change me. Fuck people who LIE. Fuck people who have no fucking idea what my life is like. Fuck people who cannot take a joke.
This is my blog. If you do not want to have some balls and sign your name to your condescending comments then stop reading it. IT'S NOT FOR YOU OR ABOUT YOU.
You don't know me. You have no idea what or who I am. Don't give me your sanctimonious shit about anger. I have no respect for you or how you conduct yourself. At least my emotions are real and out there. No one would ever call me passive-aggressive.
I am more than you will ever see. You will never have the honor or privilege to truly know me.
Have a nice day :)
Monday, July 16, 2007
I do my laundry the way I like to do it. I know what I want dried and how. Use a certain combo of things that makes my clothes turn out the way I want them. Soft, and as my daughter says, smelling like heaven.
I can hear it now, "Maria needs to control things" OOOhhhhh you bet your ass I do, and so do you. DON'T YOU?
Please, please, let's not get testy. Let's just be real. We all have things we like to have a say so over, and mine is laundry, or at least one of mine.
I think there is something much deeper to someone going into your laundry bag and sorting your clothes. I am not paranoid, I really do. Going through pockets and seeing what kind of underwear they wear is voyeuristic if you ask me.
I also try and use the worlds water and electricity resources in a polite way. I do not wash 3 or 4 things. I have enough folks in my house to make full loads. Yes, you can make your water level lower, but you use full dryer energy weather it's a full or light load.
I would have to say going into my room uninvited creeps me out a bit too. I keep my laundry basket in my closet so you really have to go deep into my space. I have a hot flash just thinking about it! Seeking out dirty stuff ewwwwwwwww! Does one have no personal place?
Believe me when I say, I will not being doing your dirty laundry either.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Happy birthday baby!
Elliot is 5 years old! I cannot believe it.
Elliot is a lover of music, dance and animals. She is the best big sister anyone could wish for.
If you have known me for very long, dear reader, you would know that I am the last person you would think, that would ever have children. Now I wish I could have two more. Unfortunately, time is not on my side, not to mention cancer.
I love my children more than air. They are my reason for breathing. They are my legacy.
I am honored to be Elliot's mommy.
I love you so much baby. You're a rock star!
I love you,
Friday, July 06, 2007
Born on the 4th of July. She's a Yankee Doodle Dandie!!!!!
She's as sweet as a cupcake.
Of course I cried like a baby seeing her for the first time.
After the year that I have had, seeing her in this world gives me hope. She epitomizes everything good. As all babies do.
I have been running away from cancer. I have been running from nightmares. Then I see this sweet thing, just minutes old and I stopped in my tracks. I am running towards hope.
Deena and Josh were kind enough to share this miracle with me. She's our new kid on the block.
Mom and Dad are doing good. Cooper is a VERY proud and helpful big brother. Olivia beams with pride. They are complete.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Someone was there at group last night that I had never met. She's been struggling with breast cancer since her senior year in college back in 1997. She did not look healthy. She did not look well. She's very very sick. She has been doing some form of chemo for the last 10 years. She will be on chemo for the rest of her life...however long that is.
We all spoke of living in the space between. Cancer patients don't like the gray areas. We can deal with black and white. Good and bad. But not, maybe and sometimes. Cancer can feel like the space between.
What is cancer anyways? Does it have gender? I think of cancer as male. I do not wish to share a drink or a meal with cancer. Cancer doesn't have my well being in mind.
Here's the good part, if cancer kills me, it kills itself. I am merely a host to the asshole who has taken up residence in my body. It's gone when I'm gone and that's one less muther fucking cancer in the world. Unless of course...
I kill him first.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
I wish I could be with you on this special day. I wish I was with you at every Father's Day.
I love you so much. I hope you truly know that.
There are times when I have felt like you and I have grown up together. We are so much alike.
I will never forget when I was going to my first gymnastics meet. I was about 6 and the night before I was very excited and nervous. You told me that all I could was my best and that was the best I could do. The next day I had my meet. As usual you had to work, but I remember coming home with ribbons. Now, I have no idea the color of them, but I knew I went out there and did my best. I have carried that with me my whole life.
You have given me my warped sense of humor and my courage. You have told me that I was the only person in this world who would never let me down. Sometimes you were right, but thank goodness sometimes you were wrong.
All I have ever really wanted from you is your love, and I know that you have given that to me. I feel in return, I have given you Elliot and Wyatt, to show you what your love has taught me. Having them shows me a depth of love only a parent can have. I know how much hell I have raised and how much I have worried you now. I know even as an adult, you will always be there for me no matter what.
Seeing you sad or worried about me being sick breaks my heart. I want to take all that worry from you and tell you that I will be fine. I want to protect you from seeing your only child in pain. I love you so much.
I wish we were together today. Thank you everything you done for me.
I love you with all my heart
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
This race is more than your average Saturday 5k that one signs up for because they will get a run in for the day. For me and millions of other women, hopefully never you, dear reader, this race is a testimony to those of us that walk, for those who can't.
This race isn't about time and winning. It's about a cure. It's about raising money and awareness. Money that will be used for mammograms and early detection. Money that will be used for vaccines and complete irradication of this disease.
I do not begrudge those who come out to race for a prize. Just know that this race means something to a lot of folks. Breast cancer consumes your whole life and your family and friends. We who have been through it, think about it all the time everyday. All. The. Time.
So see? It's not just another pretty race. For me it is charged with emotion. I will feel honored to stand among my peers and know we share something. Some of us are healthy, some very sick. Some of us will hold our grandchildren, some of us won't.
This race is special to me.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Just some sweet nurses with light chatter. Got to read a magazine and snooze a bit. Funny how I enjoy treatment these days.
Gearing up for the week end. We are having Uncle Steve and Aunt Marci up from Oregon. The 3day walk is have an expo and I plan to drop by there.
My new car absolutely rocks. I'm telling you, I should not love a car that much.
I have loved not having to go by a schedule this week. No school, no nuttin'! Just letting the day bring whatever it may. I love summer. Now if it would only warm up...
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
We have no big plans for the weekend. Working in the yard I suppose.
We are going to start church shopping. Tomorrow we will go to the first sale. See who has salvation at the right price. :)
Of course I kid, but really, it's about finding the right fit for our family. A and I were raised differently as far as religion goes and many other thangs too.
We feel the need to find a middle ground. We are not living my childhood, and we are also not living his. We are living the life we build together. A life that supports all four of us.
It's all a process you know. A journey.
I have the feeling that God doesn't care when, how, or where, you worship. I think folks here on earth are the ones that feel the need to control that. People are judgmental. You are, I am. We all are. We put our convictions on to others and that is wrong. Live your life as a witness and others will follow. Shove your beliefs down their throats and the will turn from you. Really simple.
Anthony went to a private Christian school, while I did not. Elliot will be attending a public school in the fall. This will be to the dismay of some folks. The only private religious school she would attend, would be a non-denominational school. It may be something we look at in the future, but not right now.
With all that being said, we will start our journey to find a church that we, A and I, BOTH want to go. It's a joint decision. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
Friday, May 25, 2007
I have a new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We love it! It's a Mazda5. Kinda a cross between a mini van and a sedan. Very sporty we think. It seats six yet we can put down the back seats and it's like a wagon. LOVE IT!!
Should we love a material possession this much? Probably not but we do!
Isn't your car like a second home? Especially if you have kids. We are in our car a lot.
We feel like the girls are safe and we have the room we need. I sound like a commercial.
BTW, No...You cannot really drive my car, but I will come pick you up. :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Tomorrow is Elliot's last day of pre-school!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cannot be more excited to have any plans for three months. I have kept up the pace all through this winter with school, soccer, and chemo. I am now ready to fully recoup and get back to living the life I was meant to live. A healthy life.
Our time in Mexico was really great. The girls had a great time. It was a great reward after our long hard winter. It was truly special.
The car hunt is on and I will have news on that soon. :)
We have a new baby in the family. Welcome Braydon!
I had H last week and that is going on track. Though I will say it made me really tired this time. I would probably say my tiredness could be more due to getting back from vacation. We'll see how I feel next time.
Next week my neighbor Deena and I are taking our 4.5 kids (she's prego) and going to the beach for two days. I am so excited to just chill.
We put up our HUGE slide yesterday and the kids played for hours. Summer will be sweet.
Come on over and bring some towels and snacks. We'll be in the water.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
This day gives me pause to think about what it means to me and how I want to spend my day.
I read one time, 60% of moms would like time alone for Mother's Day. Pretty ironic huh? The day to celebrate giving birth, most mother's want to spend the day without their children. We are tired and worn down with constant requests. Could anyone ever of told us how hard this would be? Could they have told us this would be the HARDEST job we'll ever have?
Yet with all that being said, I cannot think of spending this day without my girls. They do not yet know the commercial side of this day. Nor do they really know that today of ALL DAYS, is NOT the day to be naughty.
My perfect Mother's Day? Being with my family, but without the responsibility. To enjoy the laughter and family time, just not the work. For one day I don't want to be the primary care giver. I don't want to worry about feedings or arguments. I don't want to bathe and dress everyone. I want to sit and watch the work be done while I actually get to enjoy the day, rather than directing traffic.
I want to be the fun parent. I want to be the one that lets things slide. I want to be the one that is all about candy and wearing whatever you want and not brushing teeth.
I love my girls more than air. I see the future in their eyes. I see hope and love and joy when I look at them. They are funny and with out filters. They have no prejudices. They are loving and kind.
Being their mommy is my honor and privilege.
For one day I would like to not be The Human Napkin.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
After a long, hard, cold, winter here I am in sunny Mexico. I kid you not when I say, I did not think I would make it here last October. I felt so weak and sick that it seemed impossible to make it to this point. We are having a great time. the girls love the beach and pool. The food is so stinkin' good.
It will feel good to come home rested and launch into late Spring and early Summer. My awesome neighbor and I have bought the biggest slide/pool we could find and plan to sit on our cans and watch kids play in the sunshine.
There is also a new car in my very near future. Another thing to be excited about!
Life is good.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
This is where I dreamed to be last September. Here I am.
What's the flip side like? Well, hair is involved. EVERYWHERE. Working out, trying to eat healthy. Still getting treatment but feeling strong. Hope. Looking at my children with amazement. No more poison running through my body. Some new friendships. Travel. Getting ready for summer. My body looks like a war zone. Always will now.
Somethings have changed and some things have stayed the same. I can't really say that after going through all this I have found new meaning in religion or I have turned a new leaf from being cynical and jaded. Oh contraire mon frare. I am still that woman. I will say though, that some things I used to think were so important are not so much anymore and vice versa. I have no time for foolishness. I mean what I say and say what I mean. Cancer has given me the luxury of no longer dancing around issues so that everyone feels good. If something doesn't feel right I will speak up even if it is not popular. No more elephants in the middle of the room.
Here's the deal:
If cancer hasn't changed me to be who you want me to be, then you sure as hell won't.
I have a path. I am on it. The flip side is good.
If I tell you what you want to hear will it help you to sleep well at night
Are you sure that Im your perfect dear now just cuddle up and sleep tight
Im losing my mind
Im bleeding to death
I miss you
I love you.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
We've had some nice days lately. It's nice to have some sunshine.
Last Friday night we went to opening day at the horse races. It was packed and really fun. The girls loved seeing the horses and watching them run by. I had never been before. Have you?
We then went to have BBQ and there they had some piano playing. The girls we dancin' in their seats and had a grand time.
We are bound for Mexico in two weeks. We all need to unwind and relax after this last year. We will be joining Steve, Marci, Travis, and Rika, in a 3 bedroom suite. I am ready to see the beach and ocean. I am ready to have the sun shine on my face and see some beautiful sunsets!
Hair Report: I now look like I have a very butchy short hair cut. Not one I would choose normally, but I will take what I can get. I also have brows and lashes now!! Yay!
I have never sat the girls down and explain that I have had BREAST CANCER. They ask very few questions and roll with the punches. Well, last night we were watching a show about Lance Armstrong. Elliot looked at me and said, "Mommy, they just said he has cancer." I said yes, they did, and then she says, "Just like you." I looked at Anthony and he at me, and at that moment I could not breath. She totally gets it. I have never shied away from any questions that she has asked me, but she rarely asks much. To her, it is what it is. She said it so matter of factly. Like, it's normal. Ok then, so it is. She's a rock star.
Tomorrow I go in for treatment. I plan to take a little nap and enjoy some quiet time to myself. Funny, how going to the hospital is now down time for me. That is so messed up :)
Cancer didn't even finish the race :)
Monday, April 09, 2007
I am proud of all my corners. I am proud of my scars. In a very twisted way I am proud to have breast cancer. I am proud of the life I have lived and that I am living. I look in the mirror and I am at peace.
I am a fighter by nature. It only seems fit that I have chosen the door marked "The hard road" more than once.
Does it seem that I write the same crap every blog? Does it seem redundant? Sometimes I wonder...
I was thinking about how much I love my children last night. OMG I love them. They are getting so big. I can't stop the train from rolling. Ya know? Elliot is going to big girl school this fall and Wyatt is potty trained. Where does the time go?
The road is never straight is it?
Saturday, April 07, 2007
My paternal grandparents lived in Denver CO. My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago and just this spring my dad and his brother had to put my grandfather in an assisted living facility for dementia. They packed up his house and put it on the market to sell. This house was bought after my grandfather got out of WWII. My dad and uncle were raised in this house their wholes lives. That was the house where my memories of my grandparents live. I knew all the hiding places. I knew where to find my grandma's hats to play dress up. We all loved that house.
When packing up, my dad brought hundreds of pictures of our family, home to his house in Texas. Aunts, uncles, cousins, great grandparents, great great grandparents, outlaws, inlaws, blacksheep, you name it!
I look at these pictures trying to find recognition. Looking for someone whom I look like. An eye shape, nose shape, anything that connects me. I have 3 great aunts who have had breast cancer. Two are still living and one died of Alzheimer's. If it ain't one thing it's another.
I see pictures taken in Italy and Ireland, before they immigrated to the United States. My great grandmother Dominica Fanganello was a W.O.P. when she arrived with her family to New York. With out Papers. The term WOP held on the Italian immigrants and so the slang word stuck.
They heard you could find work in Colorado and made their way to Denver to work in fields. My Great Great Grandmother Fanganello was on the cover of life magazine. She was pictured in a field, stooped over picking vegetables. She was living the American dream at that time. Making money doing what no one else would do.
I am going to bring all these photos home with me so that someday I can pass them to my children. I am proud of my fore fathers and mothers. I hope they will be too.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
I was planning to go in June, but due to my lack of transportation, I thought, why not go now? So I re-arranged doing H from Thursday to Monday, and off we go. Two kids and a four hour plane ride. Can you say Benedryl?
We will be there for Easter, which should really be fun. I am not too sure the weather will be much better though. I looked at weather.com and it looks rainy. Oh well...
Thursday, March 29, 2007
I had a wreck yesterday. My car.....
It's a done deal.
I could tell you that it is all for the best and really, it is. We need a car with a bit more space, but this was not how I wanted to go about it. Issaquah is not made for one car families. Believe me I know because when Elliot was a baby and we moved out here we only had one car. It sucked. Big time. Now that I have two kids I don't look forward to being down to one vehicle.
No one was hurt, just shook up a bit. We now embark on the journey of finding a new car. This will more than likely take FOREVER. I have been with A long enough to know that this process is never easy for him and in turn it will not be easy on me.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Just a list of things I love, in no particular order.
Playland at Fred Meyer
Chicken Fried Steak
My GE Profile Stainless Steele refrigerator
My Tiffiany's bracelet with Elliot's name inscribed on it
Jeep's (I used to own one)
The color red
My hair (when it have it)
My surgeon Dr Bock
Smelling clean laundry
My king size bed
Rachael Ray Magazine (not the show!)
More to come...
Friday, March 23, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Growing my hair. I am OBSESSED. Sometimes I check it hourly. Somedays I have to force myself not to look so that I can see some growth. My eyelashes and eyebrows are coming in nicely. My brows look like a caterpillar because I refuse to pluck one beautiful hair. I have never dyed my hair. I have been able to keep up with the gray hairs by pulling them out. I know, I know, you should never pull out a gray hair because four more will come back. NOT TRUE.
Anyhoo, I now vow I will never ever never pull a hair out of my head again. They are just too precious! After being bald I cannot waste a single strand.
I am even putting mascara on my lash nubs. If I grew chest hair at this point I would leave it. Maybe I will be warmer now that my body hair is growing back.
I even bought razors the other day with plans to shave my legs soon. For those of you who think shaving is a drag, I cannot explain to you how much I look forward to something as mundane as shaving!!!!! It's all relative isn't it?
So that's my life today. Exciting as watching hair grow. :)
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
drip. drip. drip.
I watch my life in drips. The nurses make sure I get every last drop. Even when the machine starts beeping they come and reset it so that I get every morsel from the I.V. bag.
Counting life by the drip.
I have had a cold again. Not as bad as a couple of weeks ago. Maybe my immune system is getting stronger and had the power to fight this one a little better.
I went to my support group last night. What a bunch of courageous women I sat among. At times not feeling worthy of their company. We all have a different story. We all have aches and pains. We all have fear and hope. We are the same yet different. We are different yet the same.
We are all counting the drips until we feel healthy and safe again.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
What a simple word. Did you know that there is no word in the English language that covers this?
It's hard to let go and let God's will be what it is.
I am pro choice. I mean that across the board. We all have choices we make in faith, morales, lifestyles, whatever. Who am I to tell you otherwise? Who are you to tell me? We do not live in glass houses. We are mere mortals that have no right to put our THANG onto others.
I don't care if you pray to a tree. I don't care if you pray to Allah, or God, or Buddha. You have that choice in my world.
Inshallah. I am chewing on that word. I am thinking about the future. I am thinking about the peace that word brings to me. Maybe it will bring you some too...
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I am not friends with cancer. I am not at peace with the fact that I have had cancer. It's not O.K.. My body looks like a war zone on the outside. Who knows what it's like on the inside. I have been drugged, poisoned, cut open, stripped, humiliated.
Am I bitter? Hell yes. I pray you never have to walk in my shoes to let me know if you'd be bitter too.
I hate you cancer.
Good for nothin'.
I wish I never heard your name.
So go on.
Get out of here.
Do not darken my doorstep again.
I'm through with you and your kind.
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
Thursday, March 01, 2007
In my hayday they were quite cute and perky. Of course I was too stupid to know that. Time marched on...
One boob had surgery
One boob nursed two children for 30 months total.
They were not lookin' so great, but I'll tell you that if they were healthy, I sure would love to have them back.
That's another story...
Having them both cut off means not dealing with a breast cancer again. It means never wearing a jog bra again. It means never seeing them sag more and more each year.
But it also means my girls never get to cuddle up to the warm mushiness of them again. That's really the part that gets me, because they loved them. To them, they were comfort and a soft place to land. Not what society has made them to be. I feel women are judged to a certain degree on their value as a symbol of sex on their breast size. Men, of course, can hide that small penis thing until the light get low.
So now I have my little cutlets and my new bras. My tits look GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean these things are my boobs of when I was 25! They will never sag. How cool is that?
It's nice to look down and see them. Two old friends.
My friend Kristina will be having some reconstruction surgery tomorrow. Put her on your prayer wheel would ya?
All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go!
Monday, February 26, 2007
If after this chemo, I plan on being so honest and straight forward, then I better get there with myself too. I need to do some emotional house cleaning. I need to stop trying to make relationships work that just don't.I can't make someone happy or want to be my friend if in turn they don't want it too.
No hard feelings though. I really mean that. I am only 4 weeks out from my last"chemo. " I have yet to feel really great, which has given me a little time to think how I would like my life and relationships to be going forward.
I also have to look at myself and know these last five months, I have not been the most giving of friends. I haven't had it in me. I think this has all ruined my street cred.
So in saying all that, it's time for me to let go of some things. It's time to say when. It's getting too hard to try and keep connecting. I have to let it all go or I will go insane wondering what I did and when I did it.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
I have to give a great amount of credit to Kristina Surface. I cam across her blog months ago while in chemo treatment and then again last week. This year will be her second year to do the walk. I have latched on to her team. I don't believe in accidents anymore. I believe that she was put in my path for a purpose. She is a motivator and articulate speaker. If you are around her or any of her friends you would know you are in the presence of good, kind folks.
I went to her house this last week for a little get together of women interested in the walk. I AM ONBOARD!!!!!!
I have raised $650 due to some awesome donations. I personally do not see a dime of this money...BUT I do see it by proxy. I see it through there being a cure in my lifetime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have said this on my email and on my webpage:
I will do this walk for those who come before, with, and after me.
I will do this walk for my daughters whom I love more than air.
I will do this walk to see my grandchildren and hold them in my arms.
I will do this walk so that I will never get a call from a loved one telling me they have breast cancer.
I will do this walk so that my partner and I will see each other grow old.
I will do this walk for all of us.
I will do this walk because cancer freakin' sucks.
This walk means a lot to me this year. I say this year because I know I will do it EVERY year as long as I am breathing.
Please check out my webpage:
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I have a had a nasty cold for seven days. My last chemo was two weeks ago and I am sure my immune system was low when I caught the little devil and it's taken me a while to recover. It has not been fun. I had it in my head that as soon as chemo was done I was getting on the fast rack to getting in shape again and I have done nothing to attain that goal. Edna was here, we did a lot of work on the house and I got sick the day after she left. I have not been the picture of health and that makes me surly.
I am ready for spring and to be warm again.
I have whiskers on my head and all parts of my body.
I am ready to go back to the gym.
I am thinking about doing the 3-day walk for breast cancer. I am not worried about the walk. I am worried about raising $2,200. I am not a fund raiser. I'll let you know if I decide to do it.
Elliot has this next week off from school.
I am potty training Wyatt this week.
Have you heard about The Secret?
I got my new new boobies and they are high water C's.
We got new lights for the entry and dining room.
Random I say. Just random stuff.
This Thursday I go in for my monthly dose of H. Should be short and sweet.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Before I do, I have to remark on something that I have noticed...
Nothing feels as good as the real thing. Whether it be eye lashes, hair, fingernails, whatever, the real thing always wins in my book. Because of this fact, I feel cautiously optimistic about buying new boobies.
I thought and wrote, before I had chemo, that I would be a drag queen during this time of hairlessness. But you know what? I don't really like wearing all this grab. These get ups (that's for you Buckethead!) I will say I can see the time saved without shaving and doing my hair. The fake lashes and wig come at a price and that price is comfort. I have taken to walking around hatless these days. I have too many hot flashes to keep my hat on. So I endure the sideway looks. Today a little girl told her mommy that I didn't have any hair. Yes, it was the innocence of a child. No, it didn't bother me. I just waved and kept on my way.
So I hope I like my new lady lumps.
Edna has been in town all week helping me and Anthony do some projects around the house. We could not have gotten all these things done without her. Tons of painting and organizing. Our house has a little face lift. Funny what a little paint and some new towels can do!
Here's a shout out to Jacqueline- Happy bday. You rock.
I will fill ya'll in on my filling out.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
I am done with chemo. Since the day I started, I have waited for February 1, 2007, and it finally arrived. Although I will do H for a year, potentially 2 years, it ain't chemo. Hair can grow back, energy can come back. Life can become a new kind of normal. Whatever that is.
I had some visitors come to this final day. Jason, Desiree, Patty, Edna, Milica, and Anthony, all saw me through this. I held the last I.V. bag of T and said goodbye. The nurses came and sang to me. Desiree made me a hat that said- No More Chemo Princess- and some bells to ring my way out. Thank you D.
This journey has been long and hard. I don't wish it on anyone.
Thank you to all who have sent me good thoughts and good vibes and prayers. Thank you to all who have helped me with my girls and food and my house. Thank you too all who have listened to my laundry list of complaints.
Thank God it's over.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Thursday morning will arrive and I will do my chemo routine and then come home. I will also be starting the next phase of treatment that I will do every three weeks for a year. The main side effect of H is heart damage. Next Monday I will have a heart scan to get a base line of how my heart functions now. Then every three months I will get a scan to make sure H is not taking too much a toll on the ol' ticker. If so, we will back off a couple of months and then go from there. I guess this ain't over by a long shot. It's not chemo though and that's sweet.
So if you are my friend, in for a penny, in for a pound. It really is a lot huh? You can exit now, now questions asked. Cancer/Chemo/Illness/Surgery. They all test the strongest of relationships. People come and go, but the patient is still the patient. Illness is not a fair weather friend. It likes to hang out for a LOOOONNNNNG TIME. Illness never is late for an appointment. Illness stays with you through thick and thin. Illness is with you through all your treatments. Illness is with you in the middle of the night when you can't sleep. Illness doesn't care if your tired and don't want to talk. Illness is always there to talk about....Illness.
I look back at these last months as a blur. Sometime in disbelief. Sometimes I pass a mirror and don't recognize myself. There have been days that I was as low as I have every felt. There have been days when I almost feel as good as I ever have. I have never known what to expect from day to day. It is very much my nature to not ask for help. I have tried to keep my asking to a minimum, always scared that at some point I would need a lot, and then I would be asking a lot. I have seen the sadness in my partner's eyes. He, not knowing what to do at times to comfort me. I have seen him worried. I have seen my children come through this while their innocence in tact. Never worse for the wear. Just ready for mommy to be able to play more. I have had two friends that always make sure a I a chemo day treat.
I have lived a lot in these past months while trying to do things to keep me alive. I can see it in my face. I have aged. I am not talking vanity here. I am talking aging from worry and fear and feeling sick. Not good for the skin.
Without the bitter of this experience, there would be no sweet in the days to come.