Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Country Road, Take Me Home

I'm going home.
I'm going to Texas. While I live in Seattle, I have Texas in my bones. It resides in my being.
I am proud to be a Texan.
Now don't get me wrong..... I love Seattle. I chose to live here many moons ago.
But the Lone Star State will always have my heart.
I'm going to attend a dear friends Breast Cancer Charity Volleyball Tournament. His name is Chris Bailey and he is one of the kindest most generous humans I have ever known.
I knew him when he was a punk ass bitch drunk mutha fucka. I know him now as a husband and father and friend that donates and incredible amount of money, food and time, giving to those who have nothing. His heart is Texas size. If you ever get to meet him you should consider yourself lucky!!!!
With this trip I plan to see family and friends that I haven't seen in a long time. I plan to tune up my accent while I am there too. Watch out ya'll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you on the flip side!

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Empty Victory

I am catering a wedding this weekend.
My first really big job.
I am scared out my mind. I take comfort in the rhythm of chopping vegetables. The smell of my kitchen. The music playing in the background.
It's quiet in my house and I have lots of thinking time.
I think about how I made it to this point. This point of turning a passion into a business.
At the time I decided to pursue this dream, I had someone in my life that supported me. In every way, He told me we could do anything together and I believed him. I needed to believe him in order to have the courage to do this.
But he stopped believing.
In me.
In us.
While I am learning to live with this, I must still keep going after this dream I have of cooking for people. If I don't I will always wonder....what if.
So today is an empty victory. He is not by my side to smooth over by brow. He is not here to tell me me to stop my whining and DO IT.
It feels lonely not being able to tell him that I am excited and nervous.
It feels empty.
It feels like a victory.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Hold Your Tongue

The Canonization

For God's sake hold your tongue, and let me love,
         Or chide my palsy, or my gout,
My five gray hairs, or ruined fortune flout,
         With wealth your state, your mind with arts improve,
                Take you a course, get you a place,
                Observe his honor, or his grace,
Or the king's real, or his stampèd face
         Contemplate; what you will, approve,
         So you will let me love.

Alas, alas, who's injured by my love?
         What merchant's ships have my sighs drowned?
Who says my tears have overflowed his ground?
         When did my colds a forward spring remove?
                When did the heats which my veins fill
                Add one more to the plaguy bill?
Soldiers find wars, and lawyers find out still
         Litigious men, which quarrels move,
         Though she and I do love.

Call us what you will, we are made such by love;
         Call her one, me another fly,
We're tapers too, and at our own cost die,
         And we in us find the eagle and the dove.
                The phœnix riddle hath more wit
                By us; we two being one, are it.
So, to one neutral thing both sexes fit.
         We die and rise the same, and prove
         Mysterious by this love.

We can die by it, if not live by love,
         And if unfit for tombs and hearse
Our legend be, it will be fit for verse;
         And if no piece of chronicle we prove,
                We'll build in sonnets pretty rooms;
                As well a well-wrought urn becomes
The greatest ashes, as half-acre tombs,
         And by these hymns, all shall approve
         Us canonized for Love.

And thus invoke us: "You, whom reverend love
         Made one another's hermitage;
You, to whom love was peace, that now is rage;
         Who did the whole world's soul contract, and drove
                Into the glasses of your eyes
                (So made such mirrors, and such spies,
That they did all to you epitomize)
         Countries, towns, courts: beg from above
         A pattern of your love!"


I had this thought today.
I am not sure if it comforted me or terrified me.
I think I am unlovable,
I take comfort in this because it allows me to stop ever looking and hoping.
I am terrified because it really might be true.
I might not be worthy of love.
I don't say this so someone will say, OH!! but you are!  I say this because my personal history has shown I might not be,
I felt truly loved ONE time. And he too is gone.
The father of my children cares for me. Of course he does. He cares for my well being. But I never really felt he was in love with me.
My children love me. I know this.
My father, no so much.
My mother, only to restore all the shit she pulled when I was a kid.
Men see me as fuckable, until the tit truth comes out. Then I am a freak show the want to see naked.
So this thought, that started in the back of my head as a whisper is now screaming at me, and I can't make it stop.