I had this thought today.
I am not sure if it comforted me or terrified me.
I think I am unlovable,
I take comfort in this because it allows me to stop ever looking and hoping.
I am terrified because it really might be true.
I might not be worthy of love.
I don't say this so someone will say, OH!! but you are! I say this because my personal history has shown I might not be,
I felt truly loved ONE time. And he too is gone.
The father of my children cares for me. Of course he does. He cares for my well being. But I never really felt he was in love with me.
My children love me. I know this.
My father, no so much.
My mother, only to restore all the shit she pulled when I was a kid.
Men see me as fuckable, until the tit truth comes out. Then I am a freak show the want to see naked.
So this thought, that started in the back of my head as a whisper is now screaming at me, and I can't make it stop.