Sunday, December 31, 2006

New Years Revolutions

This title was not a miss spelled word. I hate the term resolutions. No one really keeps them. I think of them as revolutions because we fight so hard to fail. That being said, here are some of my future failures...:)

Be nice
Loose weight(AGAIN)
Eat healthy
Quit smoking(LOL)
Do more yard work
Get organized
Teach my children Spanish
Learn to knit
Stop being bitter
Clean out my closet
Be on time
Stop biting my nails
Vacuum my car once a week
Treat myself to a pedicure every quarter
Learn origami
Stay focused
Stop letting my kids watch TV
Cook more often
Get over my childhood
Grow my hair back
Keep my house clean
Exercise everyday
Learn not to hate tofu
Clean up my potty mouth
Be positive
Paint my downstairs bathroom
Reconnect with old friends
Dress better
When my hair grows back, do not put it in a ponytail everyday
Drink more red wine
Bath everyday
Buy some boobies
Go on an exotic vacation
Kick ass, then take names

Hope you too have started your list on this last day of 2006. Don't beat yourself up too hard if your revolutions are not won. Remember, you can still loose a battle and win the war.

Peace Out

Friday, December 29, 2006

Party Like It's 1999

Where were you when the ball dropped in 1999? Were you singing that song waiting for 2000 to arrive? Perhaps you wish you could go back to turning of that new year? Perhaps, like me, you hope for goodness and health this coming year. Whatever it is, I hope you get it in some form.
We have survived the holidays. We now have even more toys. More toys everywhere. The girls have been very busy playing. The have both had a cold, so staying home and playing has been a good idea. I feel like I am dodging a bullet with these germs. Getting a cold for me is a bad thing. It could delay my chem due to all sorts of scenarios. With only 3 chemos left I am determined to stay on track. One good fever or dip of blood counts could set things back a bit. My focus is to keep away from cootys, finish chemo.
Christmas was fun. We had a full house. We all had a great time. The girls had a visit from Santa. VERY exciting. We had a big meal on Christmas Eve and opened gifts. Then of course Santa left some gifts Christmas morning and we all sat around and ate. It was fun. I was/am a bit woozy and tired. But we made it through. My folks left yesterday and now it seems very quiet here. They may be here for my last chemo. What a celebration.
The new chemo is different than the last. Yet it has it's own set of insults. Achey body. More hair loss (brows and lashes) Bad taste in mouth. Some severe cramping. Headaches. blah blah blah. But I could function better the day of chemo. Three more to go. I am trying to get through under the radar. HAHAHAHA We'll see about that. There's always some who has an opinion on how I should be acting. Maybe she's(I) mean because she's in treatment. Maybe..... maybe the honesty, no bs gadge is working at a very high level. Maybe I never really liked you and have no time to pretend now. Maybe I am not nice and have no time to pretend. Gosh, I just don't know what to say really. I can say that anyone who has gone through chemo is welcome to let me know what their experience was like. That's why I go to a support group. They know exactly what this is all like. They question nothing that anyone else feels or says in the group. There is no- I can't believe she said that or did that. Maybe my harshness will go away when the harshness of the poison coursing through my body leaves. Maybe, maybe not. If you are sensitive it may be a good idea to turn away from this blog. This is no sunny spot in the day to come and read the rantings of someone who is tired and toxic. This is not for the faint at heart. This is not for anyone who may be looking to this blog to find a warm fuzzy poem. This is where I vent and I promise this is only the tip of the iceberg on how I really feel. Also, if you have no great fondness for me, this blog will only confirm your reasons. It may also add a few. I can live with that.
Have a safe and happy new year. Do something fun. We will probably cook a decadent meal, I will watch others have a beer or champagne, and watch the ball drop on tv.

Peace Out

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Closer To The End Than The Beginning

Tomorrow is my first round of my last four chemos. Did I write that right? I am closer to the end than the beginning. There is some comfort in that.
We still have no power at our house and that really sucks. I am exhausted from not being in my own home and not being able to cook and going days without a shower. J and A have graciously hosted us and I am so grateful to have a nice place to land, but nothing is like being home. Especially so close to Christmas. Especially having to go to chemo and not being able to go home afterwards. And let's face it, anyone who stays at home with children takes the brunt of this power outage. We try and keep kids happy who are out of their element, keeping them fed, entertained, and warm. While the other half goes to their work place and enjoys lighting and heat and no bored screaming kids. It's not been easy and I have had it much easier than some in this area. Maybe I should welcome chemo as a break in the action of this power situation. I have heard from neighbors that they say we may not have power until SATURDAY. I have come to terms with this and it, say it one more time, really sucks. This blog is another bitch and moan session. I should have these pity partys catered.
BTW we watched Talledega Nights yesterday and it was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! A good laugh.
Stay warm out there.

Peace Out

Sunday, December 17, 2006


Winter weather has blown us away here in the Northwest. Thursday night we had a winter wind storm. We have had no power since! The night started out very rainy and a little blustery. As the night progressed, the rain was blowing sideways and limbs were coming off trees. We decided to move our mattress downstairs for sleeping since it would be safer down there if a tree donated a branch to our roof. Anthony built a fire and we snuggled in for the night. By midnight the wind was howling and we lost power. No big deal, we were asleep anyway. Well, the power has been out since then and we see no end in sight until the middle of the week. We along with about 40k houses are in the dark. And cold. We have had it good though, better than most We have a wood burning stove downstairs. It has kept us warm and also fed. We have cooked egg sandwiches, pancakes, nachos, hot chocolate, soup(made from scratch), and toast. Today we ventured out with J and A and ate breakfast out. We found out that ToysRUs was open, so they took the girls to their house and Anthony and I went shopping. I have really been stressing about when we would get this done and now it's off my list of worries. Though the worry list is a little long this week. More about that later...
Anyhoo, J and A now have power and we have been at their house tonight. The girls had a bath and I, a shower. Thank gawd. Everyone had pizza and life is good. As for how the week will go, I have no idea. This is not how I envisioned going into Christmas week. I have a new type of chemo on Thursday and folks coming Friday. I do think we will have power by Thursday. I have no idea what this chemo will bring so I am feeling anxious about that. I hear that it's not so nauseating, yet achey to your whole body. Who knows. All I know is, Febuary 1 does not look too far away at all.
Elliot had her Christmas program last week and she did so great. We are your typical proud parents who think their child was the cutest. And you know what, it's true. She really was the cutest. What a beautiful funny girl she is.
Looking forward, Wyatt's 2nd birthday is in January. I don't know what we will do for that yet. I have chemo two days prior to that so I just don't know what I will pull together. I will be clear on this though, her birthday is not on Christmas. Any birthday gift wrapped in Christmas paper will be rewrapped. I really feel strong about this. Honestly, we don't need gifts to celebrate their special birth days. I'm just sayin, think how you'd feel if someone clumped you in with the closest holiday because it made life easier. Would you feel that they took the time to recognize your special day? I think not. So please don't do that to my child. Send a card, make a phone call, but do not wrap her gift in Christmas paper.
We will have a house full for Christmas. I am excited. My parents will be in from Texas. Anthony's cousin Travis and his wife Rika, and his Uncle Steve and Aunt Marci will be up from Oregon. There should be a lot of laughs. The girls will be out of their minds with attention.
So happy holidays to all. Whatever it is you do or don't celebrate. Hope you are warm and safe.

Peace Out

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Visualize Whirled Peas

Yesterday was my last AC!!!!!!!!!! we have hit the half way mark. I keep hearing the next part has it's own set of problems yet much easier. I have to believe that, because this has been difficult.
We did things a bit differently and I was pretty loaded up on some new stuff and it worked like a charm. I got some sleep, or should I say passed out. My friend Jacqueline was with me and we had some really good conversations and some laughs too.
My chemo fairies dropped me off another gift before I left. Hugs to you both J and A for adding that to the routine. It means a lot just as you two do. Thank you!
Hey, ANOTHER big shout out to Holly and Lynne who sent me a load of organic veggies and fruit. Yum! Thank you so much. It's all being used and makes me feel so healthy. Thank you both so much!
So we're gettin through the weekend. Jacq and I are heading to a wig shop ;)

As for my last blog, I was pissed that someone had the nerve to tell me how angry I get, when for not one day of my life have they walked in my shoes. I abhor judgment and hypocrisy to the nth degree. I may have anger towards you, but that has a deep and full history. That's the anger you might know about me. I have a blog, and if you comment to this blog for the reading audience, and then sign it anonymously, I will call it out. This blog is a public forum. Keep that in mind

DO NOT READ ANGER HERE. Read blunt force honesty that may not be to your liking. Don't care, too bad.

Peace Out

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You Don't Know Me

You don't know me. You don't know anything about me. You don't know what this all feels like. There is ABSOLUTELY no way you could. You have no idea about what really makes me angry so do not assume that you do. Don't assume anything about me unless you hear it straight from my mouth. You are not in treatment with me. You are not in my house day to day to even have a clue what it's like here. If you knew me at all, you'd know my tolerance level is quite low right now for foolishness. You'd know when I feel good and when I don't. You'd know that we laugh a lot around here as well as cry. You'd know if I trusted you enough to confide in you. You'd know that this blog does not even begin to cover what I am about, what I feel, what I believe, or what I like.
You'd know a lot that you really don't know.
You don't know me.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Something Wicked This Way Comes

I have been a lazy blogger! I will try and be better.
Chemo is coming this Friday. I DREAD it! I have fantasies of not showing up. That, of course would never happen, yet a girl's gotta dream huh? My dear friend Jacqueline is flying in from Texas for this one. I have known her for 15 years. We have seen a lot of life together in those years. We have cried many tears but more importantly we have laughed our asses off. She has a little boy named Beck, whom she is leaving at home to come get me through this session. I could not be more grateful. I really look forward to her visit.
Last chemo was hard, but this week I have felt really good. It feels good to feel good. Good Good Good
We have our Christmas tree up. the girls had fun doing that. It looks very festive at my house.
I have a few of shout outs. First of all, Elliot's preschool teacher Mrs Goldie. She is the nicest, most caring lady you'd ever want to meet. When you know that someone truly cares for your children, it makes them gold in your heart. I know she reads my blogs, so Mrs Goldie, thank you for EVERYTHING you do. I am so grateful to have you in our lives!!!!
Next is my friend Patty and her endless support and yummy meals. She's always jumping in to help with my girls. She has first hand experience with her sister-in-law and cancer. She knows this road too well.
And my friend Dawn who sent me home today, after a playdate, with yummy meals for two nights. Gracias Amiga.
This chemo marks the half way point of this journey. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is dim but I see it none the less. I have talked with other women who have gone before me and I have read other blogs about being in the middle of chemo or close to the last one. It kinda becomes a bit of a slump, limping to the end. At the beginning it's all so fresh and raw. People gather around you. But weeks go by and the freshness wears off. People have lives to live. It's not that they don't support you, but the shock and awe of it all wears off. Routines get back to normal, yet the person in treatment is just that...still in treatment. I mean, I am sick of myself at this point. I can't be much fun to be around at times. It's a slump, definitely.

Peace Out

Saturday, December 02, 2006


This last summer I read a poetry book by the name of The Sometimes Girl by Lisa Zaran. I highly recommend it. Anyhoo, was lying in bed last night thinking of the things I sometimes want, or am or am not. This blog is in no way aiming to liken my thoughts to the above mentioned book. Just me rambling; as always...rambling

Sometimes I just want to sit in the background and watch.
Sometimes I wish you would just shut up.
Sometimes I want to call the girl I used to be and ask her what's up.
Sometimes I yell at my children.
Sometimes I want someone else to direct traffic.
Sometimes I miss by boobs.
Sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I wake up for no reason and listen to how quiet it is in my house.
Sometimes I want to quit
Sometimes I resent you because you are healthy.
Sometimes I feel hopeful.
Sometimes I tire of you thinking you know me.
Sometimes I want another child.
Sometimes I want to runaway and join the circus.
Sometimes I want to walk around in public bald just to shock people.
Sometimes I wear my hats to make people feel comfortable.
Sometimes I want to pinch you very hard under your arm.
Sometimes I know that you will never get it.
Sometimes I feel like people use religion as a very convenient weapon.
Sometimes I look at my children and see who they will be when they grow up.

Peace Out

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Third Time Was Not a Charm

Yesterday was my third round of this particular type of chemo. Thank gawd I only have one more of this type of rounds. It's horrible. Yes, I am sure I am being dramatic, but it makes me feel like I have been hit by a truck. I was up until 5am this morning feeling so bad. I do feel better today. The girls are out and about with Anthony and I have a lot of down time today.
My friend Desiree went with me to this chemo and an old co-worker of mine came by to see me. She brought two hats she knitted that are CUTE!!!!! Thank you Milica:) I have such talented special friends. Desiree is a VERY talented photographer. Check her out at I am always humbled by their kindness, love, and givingness (is that a word?) I can't say thank you enough. Ever.
So our friends Jason and Amy moved into their new house on Monday. It's a gorgeous place. I really miss them. They were so fun to have around. We had Thanksgiving with them on Saturday. The guys fried the turkey and Amy and I made all the rest of the fixings. It was delish. I have to say I had a completely emotional day. I could not stop crying. Sometimes this process catches up with me and I become over whelmed. Well Saturday was that day for me. There was nothing really wrong. I was just so emotional. We were at the table talking about what we are grateful for and Elliot pipes in that she is thankful for her mommy. Pow! I love that kid.
This last week I was in Target and I saw this woman. She had very short hair and a pink survivor bracelet. We smiled at each other. I totally have my chemo flag flying. No hair and a hat trying to cover my bald head. Well we ended up talking. She finished chemo four months ago. She looked so great and I loved her hair growing out. Ultimately she invited me to a young survivors group. I went Tuesday night and LOVED it. I thought I would be crying the whole time, but it was much different than that. I will surely go again. We all knew what the other was talking about. We are all walking the same path. What brave women I met. I salute you all.
Tomorrow we go to Jason and Amy's for turkey day. Should be a nice relaxing day.'
Happy Thanksgiving dear reader. I am thankful for you all.

Peace Out

Friday, November 17, 2006

Click Your Heels

I woke up this morning crying from a dream I was having. I kept saying over and over that I just want to go back, as I was holding a baby, that was also crying and together we were wailing of the thought of being where we had been. I think the baby wanted to go back to the womb and I know I wanted to go back to before I started the cancer/chemo journey. I feel raw. What scares me is that I am not even in the middle of the experience and I feel this raw.
A friend of mine spoke to me yesterday about entering a tunnel, and knowing on the back side of that tunnel she would have the things she needed and wanted for her life. Her fear is what's in the tunnel. So she does not enter. Not to steal her thunder of her voyage, but I can see why she doesn't want to be in the tunnel. THE TUNNEL SUCKS. Metaphorically, my tunnel entrance is sealed shut and I cannot see the light at the end. It's dark and it's unpleasant. I have no feelings of getting better at this point. Nor should I. That's not where I am in my treatment. Just the same, I feel raw and on the edge.
Some one who loves me a lot, said to me the other day, Why do you have to be so hard (saying hard for lack of a better word) And I said because I have to. I cannot start sliding down the slope of self pity. You think I may be kidding but I am not. I will go under for a while. I cannot let my guard down too much. If I do, I will run under the covers and not come back out for a very long time. This is how I am hardwired. When you go through chemo feel free to do things your own way.
It's a double edged sword. On one hand feel I the need to do as much normal stuff as I can and on the other hand I am sad and tired.
I want to go back. I want to feel healthy and energetic. Especially now during the holidays. But no matter what I eat or how much I sleep and rest, I feel the same. I want to go work out and get that workout high again!!!! I just want to go back. Because I have no idea what life after chemo feels like, it's hard to know what to expect. I would like a normal day, where I wake up and work out out, feel like going to the park with the girls and actually making dinner for the evening. No headaches, no wooziness, no shots. No saddness, no cold bald head. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I have been trying extra hard not to ask for help from my friends lately. I feel like that if things really get bad down the road, I don't want to burn anyone out at the tunnel entrance. So I have kept to myself and been a bit introverted. The girls still need food and bathing and attention. Those things can I do at a slow pace.
So I want to go back to a place that doesn't exist for me. Time will only tell what the new one will look like.

Peace Out

My List of Demands

Be nice
Don't lie
Don't lie by ommision
Stop advising
Let go
Be clear
Say no sometimes
Don't be a martyr
Turn off the lights when leaving
Be peace
Don't be sneaky, you'll never have my trust
Love freely without condition
Push your chair in when you get up
Ask permission
Have no expectations
Get what you deserve
Take a chance
Let loose
Just remember. I have no guilt
Don't wrap birthday presents in Christmas paper
Ask yourself why you have guilt
Stop listening to "they"
Call before coming
Knock before entering
Don't tell me what to do
Keep your list of demands to your self This is my blog
Just take the inch, don't go the whole mile
Admit you're wrong
Make it right
Don't keep secrets, they'll get out
Don't wear a slip, it hangs out the bottom and looks messy
Don't go through my things without my consent
Fight the good fight
Do things right the first time
Be respectful
Stop gossiping
Don't be so wishy-washy
Eat meat
Don't eat meat
Don't judge
No means no
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
Chew gum with your mouth closed
Use good manners

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Gone Today

It's all gone but the fuzzies. Anthony and Jason also shaved their heads in solidarity and man, they look handsome. I, on the other hand...not so much. Oh well what can I do? The girls love to rub it. I have been wearing hats to keep my head warm but they keep taking it off to rub my head.
Reader, just a note here, the girls are fine. Life is good for them and they are probably having more fun and attention than normal. All kids want is attention and undying love. That's what mine get. This part of their lives will merely be a funny time when mom was bald. Let's not make this into something it doesn't have to be.
I have been tired this week, but that seems to be how this first part goes while my blood levels drop. This whole week I am back to shots for 5 days to raise those levels. Anthony has a business trip so I am winging it during the day and Jason and Amy will be here in the evenings. This is doable. We all hung out yesterday and Anthony got the girls a basket ball hoop. They love it.
We are doing Thanksgiving this coming Saturday due to me having chemo on Tuesday and Jason and Amy moving into their new house around Wednesday. We do a pretty good turkey day if I must say and I look forward to it. The guys are going to fry the turkey for the second year in a row. Sounds funny but it ends up very juicy!! I already have pies. Amy and I like a certain dressing and DO NOT forget the mashed potatoes. Come on by if you need some grub. We may shave your head for fun though!

Peace out

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Well, I do believe that my hair is on it's final days. It's everywhere. Elliot cannot wait to shave it and use my head as a canvas. She has taken this ride with the grace of a 4 yr old. She never bats an eye at the scars. She only knows that I go to get big shots. Let me tell you, as long as it isn't her she ok with that! Wyatt only wants to snuggle, which is getting easier as the scars heal. She's happy with that.
We'll probably do the big shave tomorrow. I have to say I miss my hair more than my breast. I had nice boobs in my youth, but honestly they were heading south. I fed two children with one boob. The blue ribbon boob. My other would not work due to radiation I had before I had the girls. So on that front, they were nothing much to look at. But my hair, my long dark thick hair...I really miss. True true it will grow back, but it's hard in these winter months to be bald. Whhhaaaaa poor me. :)
I do have things I am grateful for this morning. I slept 10 hours last night. I got some sleep aid from the onc nurse on Thursday. Chemo wears you out but at the same time you feel edgy. Horrible combo. I am trying to be positive hear so let's move on. The weekend is here. Lot's of help around the house. Our friends Jason and Amy were home yesterday and I was just a lounge lizard. I will miss them when the move into their new house!!!! I've been able to eat better this round of treatment. Little small meals even if I don't feel like eating helps. I hope to go walk on the treadmill today at the gym. Energy begets energy. Those are my good things today. See you on the flip side BALD!

Peace Out

Friday, November 10, 2006

I Heart Frida Khalo

If you know me and anything about me you know my obsession with Frida Khalo and her life. I have been a Frida freak for about 15 yrs. I would like to say that I was down with Frida before most of main stream America heard of her. She is my hero. She embodies a spirit and will that I wish to carry with me on a daily basis. I have named my cats Frida and Diego. I have driven great distances to see her art displayed. I have been to Mexico and walked through her house.
I am sure this blog will seem like a ramble as many of mine do. Here I go anyway...
I cannot do much justice to her story. I will try. She was born to a Jewish Father and Mexican Mother. She had polio as a child that left her with a disabled leg. As a teenager she was in a cable car accident that left her with a spinal injury that she never fully recovered from her entire life. The accident also injured her bad leg and with these to injuries she lived a life of physical pain. She saw and fell in love with Diego River with in college and married him twice within the course of her life. He was an industrial muralist, but not the reason she started painting. She was a painter in her own right.
I would have to say Frida's greatest sorrow of her life was never having children. Due to her spinal injury and many operations she could never carry a child to term. I can only imagine if she had, the legacy that her children would carry. Frida was loyal and true. She loved people, men and woman in her life with abandon( To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion). She had views and beliefs that were not always popular (I love that about her) yet she never wavered to make others happy. Aren't we all kind of like that? I feel that I have ideas and ways that I live my life others would not adhere to and vice versa. Here's were unconditional love comes in let people be who they are! Sometimes to love someone is to keep your mouth SHUT! I do not want to push my views on others and I DO NOT want others to push their stuff on me!!!!! Frida marched as a communist in the streets of Mexico. Not my thing but I respect it. I am sure if she had children she would have shown them the things she felt were important as I show my girls. But there is a time to let go. There is a time when we have said and taught what we feel is necessary, and then you have to give it a rest. Live in peace. Because if you don't, you are going to build a wall and create negative space that you may never get back. I believe that to my core. Live and let live, for cryin out loud! So in this rant comes my admiration for Frida. Her spirit tickles the back of my neck. Have the grace and maturity to let others be who they are without pushing your agenda on them over and over. No one wants to be around that kind of constant badgering and turmoil. I don't and I will not allow it in my life or my family's lives. In turn I will give you the same respect. Isn't that what it is that I ramble about? RESPECT.
Frida Khalo is my hero. She lived with so much pain yet never gave up hope. So as I hurt from the poison that is put into my body I think of her and say my mantra that I saw she wrote so may times in her published diaries: Tree of hope stand strong.

If you ever need a big juicy read on the subject of Frida, my fav is: Frida: A Biography of Frida Kahlo by Hayden Herrera

I may not of articulated all I wanted here today. You get the jist huh?

Peace Out

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Shout Out

This is a shout out to a dear friend of mine. His name is Chris Arangio. He is getting married tomorrow and I want to give him my best wishes.
I have known Chris since 10th grade. We've seen some good times and some not so good times. We seen each other grow up.
We live as far apart as possible. Me in Seattle and he in Miami. Our birthdays are one year and two days apart. He being the oldest.
Christopher, I wish you joy, love, and happiness. I wish you the joys of parenthood. You've waited long enough for these things. I am so happy for!
Congratulations my friend.

there's always something there to remind me

Chemo Mafia

Today I had my 2nd round of chemo. I will first start this blog with yesterday...
I have had a little cold building up the last couple of days. Although yesterday I was feeling the affects of this cold, I felt pretty good in general. It was a busy day. I took Elliot to ballet and we went to lunch with my friend Patty and her kids. When I came home I finished up laundry so it would be done after chemo. I cleaned up the house a bit and vacuumed. Here's where the "were you high?" part comes in, I VACUUMED MY CAR! WHY? I have no idea. It was like I was about to give birth and I was nesting. Such a strange productive feeling I had.
One of friends from book club, Robin, came by and brought me some juicy magazines to with me in the morning.
I decided not to go tt book club due to my cold. Jason and Amy brought home Thai food and it was goooooood. I went to bed early.
This morning Jason and Amy drove me to the hospital. Some how a chemo fairy got into their car and left me a chemo treat!! It was a morning of blood draws , running to the pharmacy, meeting with PK, my Nurse Practitioner, and finally starting chemo about 11:30.
I took a different nausea medication this time and it worked much better. Tough, it did cost $152 bones. We gotta get this health coverage in this country figured out. What if we couldn't afford the medication. I would have been screwed today. There folks in this country who don't even have insurance. That is whack. This is a subject that deserve an entire blog dedicated to it...
Anyhoo, I had the nurse today who was so strange, She had the shakes and was dropping stuff everywhere. next time I go in I am requesting not to have her. She didn't hurt me and she was very knowledgeable, but something in her world was not right.
We got home about 2:45 and I pretty much took to the couch. Now here I sit bloggin'.
I titled this Chemo Mafia because I feel like that's we are. We, being my family and friends. I invision taking cancer and giving it a new pair of cement shoes. Letting cancer take a long walk off a short pier. Maybe doing a little drive by on cancer's side of town. You get my drift?
We'll see how this next week and a half go. Anything is better than nausea! So we're already off to a good start.

Peace Out

Monday, November 06, 2006

Burn Your Bra Sista!

So this weekend, my girlfriends and I gathered for a ceremonial burning of old nasty bras. I , of course , burned every one of mine. It was an evening of friendship. My neighbor Deena, pictured with me here, offered up her house and firepit. The guys made us a roaring bonfire. We all went out in the rain and chanted and burned. If you ever read Ya-Ya Sisiterhood, you will know what I mean when I say I had my Ya-Ya's with me.
I could not of asked for a more perfect evening. We had good good food. My friend Sandy's daughter Katie made the best pumpkin pie I have ever had. I just can't say enough good things about the night. For a woman who lost her boobs I have gained so much. I have gained the sight to see friends and family gather around me to support me.
I stood on a tree stump hovering over the fire, just about to burn every last stinkin bra I had, and looked at my circle of YaYa's and took a snap shot in my mind. I thought about a day 20 years from now when we will all have a laugh and tell the story of a gal who burned her bras and is STILL surviving to tell the story. Amen Sista.

Peace Out
See more Bra Burnin pics:

Friday, November 03, 2006

I Have a Hairache

My hair hurts. When I sleep it wakes me up with an ache. Don't geisha's sleep with their necks resting on a wood block so they don't mess up their hair? Must get one of those.
Today was the last of my 5 day shot regime. I am glad to be free of appointments for a few days. Oh to feel normal....
I was thinking about something as I was watching the train wreck also know as Anna Nicole Smith on Entertainment Tonight. You were watching too huh? I was thinking that no matter how much money, fame, wealth, notoriety you have, or don't have, when you are pregnant, or should I say, give birth, all us chicks are equal. We may do different meds or water birth, whatever... But when that contraction hits, NO MONEY IN THE WORLD is going to make is better for you. It's an equal playing field. Kinda like pooping. We all poop and it all stinks.
I have no idea where that came from.
I am looking forward to a restful weekend and burning my old bras. I am so flat. I know gals think they have a small chests, but I am nothing but a rib cage. Skin stretched across muscle. No nipples, just a scar. F.L.A.T.

Peace Out

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Drink More red Wine!!!!!

Hey, did you hear about the study today that said that they tested red wine consumption on mice and found it delayed the affects of aging and all sorts of good stuff. They also said that if we human were to drink as much as the test mice we would have to consume about 150 bottle a day!! Wooohoooo. Drink more red wine.
Slept ok last night. Today was picture day at school for Elliot so we got gussied up for those. It's rainey and wet and cold out. I am in desperate need of doing laundry. Laundry is even hard on the best of days! But, I'm going to give it a shot.
Here's something completely personal yet amusing...My pubes are falling out. The hair on my head is still in tact but not below. I find that very funny.
I am sleepy now. I think I am going to rest a bit. What laundry?

Peace Out

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

It's Not the Cancer, It's the Chemo

Cancer does not hurt. Chemo hurts. Chemo makes everything fussy and spinny. I felt fine when I had my boobs and the cancer was in there. Hell, I felt real good. I was fit and strong. I was able to have PMS and not throttle my partner or children. Though, they may all disagree.
So I keep telling myself, it's the chemo, not the cancer that is currently kickin your ass. Must. Remember. This.
So today I write about a bunch a junk. Tales from the edge as one might say. Cuz honey, I am on the edge.
My children. I can't even write that without tears welling up in my eyes. ilovethemilovethemilovethem. I know every parent thinks this, but I have the two most incredible creatures hatched to date. lately I have been able to look at them deeper than ever. I know them so well. I see their hearts in their eyes. They are so good and true. I watch them play together and I swell with pride. They are very close. The greatest gift I could of ever given Elliot was her sister. They will always have each other and that pleases me. We do not allow "space" in our home. We're in this together. Too bad if you need a break. We're in this together. No shut doors, no time alone. I would never say that's an easy policy because Anthony and I don't have a time out either, but I feel in the long run, there will be a bond of my girls that nothing will ever break. They still sleep with us and that's the way we like it. I would never change that because really, what 12 yr old will want to be as close as we all are now. I am raising the future of that bond. ilovethem.
More later...
Today I bought a feather bed topper for the guest room. Now that's something that would NEVER happen in Texas. I feel so Pacific Northwest today. Most nights I cannot sleep through the night so I wanted a little comfort area to call my own. Now I've got it..
I get filgrastin shots everyday in my stomach to make my white blood cell count go up. The nurse speared me today. It still aches. Only two more days are I am doctor free for 5 days YAY!
There's something to be said about quality of life. If you don't have your health, you have nothing.

Peace Out

Monday, October 30, 2006

The Day the Leaves Fell

I have really noticed the leaves coming down today. Huge yellow floating hands. The wind blows ever so slightly and down they come. More than any other day, this is fall. It's gorgeous. Of course fall is my favorite time of year. I love the cold and rain. I left Texas for this weather. Although today is very sunny and cool.
The security of having people around on the weekend is gone and I am left doing all the usual things. Except the fact that everyday this week I have to go get a shot to keep my blood cell count up. Total pain in the ass. But it must be done. I feel a bit shaky today. Weak perhaps? Not sure of the word to describe it.
Elliot went poo after school which is one task I don't have to tackle tonight. I am watching Cooper, my neighbors little boy. He's easy to watch because he's so darn happy. Easy day all around.
Anthony and I got up at 6 to make a fire. It was funny because the girls were still asleep. We are such parents now.
I need to hop on this wig buying thing. I feel tingles and wonder which time I scratch, a wad will fall out.
No new tales to tell.

Peace Out

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Better Today

Today was a better day. I have been tired as the poison courses through my body to make me come out on the flip side of this to be the strong woman I see myself as. I have been lining up folks who have been so kind to offer to come to chemo with me. That's kinda fun, feeling popular, special, in a sick twisted way. But what in this experience isn't sick and twisted.
Ran errands with Anthony, the girls, and Amy. Managed to consume about 1200 calories. Kept nausea at bay. Goods things.
I am currently wearin a pink wig while typing and thinking about a wig purchase. Something to keep my head warm.
Feeling pretty good, but starting to smell.
I was going to devote a whole blog to this next subject, because it has been on my mind so much. I need to say something so I can release it.

FFH- fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME. So I say shame on me. I was good to you, but once again you decided I did something wrong without ever giving me the option to correct the wrong done. YOU LOOSE. You'll never have a friend like me again. I feel sorry for you.

Whew, anyhoo...
I hope to ride the bike at the gym tomorrow and take the girls to the pumpkin prowl at the zoo in the evening. Not much else on my end and that's good.

Peace Out

The Definition of Irony

I have two definitions of irony. If you have ever seen "Reality Bites," and you should... You would know you need at least one definition. Well, reader I have two.
1. The week of my mastectomies I was doing laundry. I had a few bras to wash and kinda chuckled to myself that it would be the last time I would wash them. They were my favorite ones btw. Well, I was going to dinner with some friends that week and as I was dressing I realized they were still in the washer, so I ended up wearing a camisole, which is what I wear now to keep warm. I got lazy as the week wore on and never ended up drying those bras. So on my last week to be a bra wearer, I never wore one. Silly me. If I could go back now I would of wore it wet.
2. From May 12, the day after I weaned Wyatt to September 10, I counted every calorie I put in my mouth. My goal was 1100-1200 calories a day. I wrote down everything. My friends were sick of hearing about it! It was not fun at first, but it became a competion within myself. I also had a personal trainer. In the end I ended up dropping about 20+ pounds. I looked good, I felt good, I felt strong and healthy. Funny all that healthy eating and excercise never stopped cancer. umph. Here's the irony... I haven't eaten in about two days now due to lack of appetite. Maybe an apple here or bannana there. A few crackers along the way. It's now 3:10 in the morning. I woke up a little nausous and maybe feeling a little empty. So I got out my trusty food journal and decided I better track my food in order to get to atleast 1200 a day or I will end but sick. Now that's irony.

Peace Out

Friday, October 27, 2006

Chemo sucks

Yesterday was day one. I went in yesterday morning and the first thing they did was put in the port. I was very nervous about that procedure, but it turned out easier than I thought. Of course I was VERY drugged up and that was ok with me :)
Then began chemo, initially I felt ok. Before they stared I received some anti nausea medication.
When my second drug began I noticed a burning in my eyes and nose which was predicted. My roommate in the room was eating and the smell became overwhelming.
We got the girls and came home and I slept for a while but awakened to some nasty nausea. That went off and on for about 3 hours. I called the consulting nurse and was advised to take more medication. That helped and I slept through the night.
I would have to say that if felt like I was hit by a bus!! Our friends Jason and Amy are staying with us until they move into their new house in a couple of weeks. They are a saving grace as are all our friends. When they came home last night they brought me a "first day of chemo" gift. It was they cutest hat that Amy and I had been looking at on GREAT website btw. Well of course I burst into tears, as I do over everything these days.
So today I fell a bit better. The girls have been playing at friends all day. I have been resting and I watched "The Family Stone," and I HIGHLY recommend it. It's centered around Christmas, so it seems fitting for this time of year.
I can't bath for 4 days with this new port. I look like hell, smell ok, and feel tolerable. I ate an apple today and a chai tea. Food doesn't interest me right now. I crave nothing. I think about eating and have to consider, what would I want to throw up. Gross but too true.
I hope to keep the nausea at bay. I can handle tired but not nausea. At times I take it minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour and the hours turns into days.
That's all I can do right now.

Peace Out

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

No Kidding

Tonight I went and had Chinese food. It was great. As always at the end, they brought us the fortune cookies.
I swear this is true,
mine said

You will have a new look that will do wonders.

Now that's stinkin' funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Nuff said

I Don't like the Drugs but the Drugs Like Me

Today is my last drug free day. Perhaps for the rest of my life, and if not for life, then at least for a VERY long time. To me, this sucks.
Chemotherapy does a whack job on your body. It can harm your heart, your nervous system, or even put me body into menapause. But like I have said before, I will do whatever it takes to see my girls grow up, go to college, find partners, and here's the BIGGY for me, see my grandchildren.
Here's something to ponder...
When a woman gives birth to a female child, they have essentially given birth to their grandchildren. Female children are born with every egg they will have for their lifetime. My grandchildren currently reside in my little firecrackers, and that amazes me. It's absolutely wonderous.
I always get sidetracked...
I don't want to be chemically dependant but I must.
Still, the show must go on today as always. Elliot has ballet. We need to work on her bunny costume some more. I have 4 loads of laundry to do before tomorrow and who knows when it will get done after that. Ugh
Tomorrow is a big day and I think it will be long. Chemo first and then they put in the port which I will have for about 18 months.
So I say adios to the old me. I will come out on the flip side healthy, bald, and ready to rumble.

Peace Out

Take Care of It

I am trying to take care of my own shit.
I have no extra time or energy right now.
Reader, if you are a woman I know you know excatly what I am saying here.
There is no time to roll over and play dead, pardon the pun. Time marches on even if your legs are broke and you don't.
I am told, "get your rest, take it easy". Whatever. No one really means that. What they mean is get some rest when it works for me.
Women are the glue of life. I ain't tootin my own horn, because it's about all the ladies here.
We are the care givers, the birth givers, the communicators. We are softer and gentler. Yet I personally think we endure the most in the world.
I have no time to go in a corner and lick my wounds. Kids get fed, laundry gets done, food gets cooked, errands are done, floors are vacuumed, dishes are done. Maybe in a slower fashion, and sometimes with help, but the world has not stopped turning. It's still looked at as my gig, no matter what's going on with me. Just put your finger in a water puddle and pull your finger out. Does the gap remain without your finger?
It's funny, because if I ever do get that small bit of pampering or coddling. I only need a few hours and I am good to go again. But when I feel beat down and tired, as I do today, I tend to get very negative. The pendulum is never in the middle.
Maybe I should not blog after midnight. This is literally the only time I have had to myself today, or should I say yesterday. I feel a bit pissy about it.
With all that being said...I don't need attitude. Do it yourself if I'm not doing it the way it should be done. I have my own shit to take care of.

Peace Out

Sunday, October 22, 2006

An Embarassment of Riches

My entry today is about grace and graciousness.
I am the kind of person who thinks I can always take care of it all. This part of my life has shown me that it is no longer true. You see, I have a posse. Some are near and some are far away, but all of them have not hesitated once to offer me help in some manner. Whether it be helping me with food or getting Elliot and Wyatt where they need to be, or going to breast cancer functions with me, or just letting me talk about it constanly, or even flying here to Seattle to sit with me during chemo, they have a rallied around me and my family.
It has not been easy for me to accept all this help. That is where graciousness comes in. I believe that people TRULY want to help. Because if the shoe were on the other foot I would be there in a heartbeat. I have learned that when someone offers help that I just need to say "yes, thankyou" and let them help. I cannot and do not want to go through this alone. I have actually enjoyed the extra attention in a sick and twisted way if I am being honest with you reader. Who doesn't want their favorite people to be around? A friend of mine likened this whole thing to having your first baby. And it's soooooo true. You get on the internet and read all you can. Folks give you advice or tell you about something a friend of a friend did.
I digress...
I need the help and I think people genuinely want to help. So I will just say yes, thankyou when offers come in the most gracious way I can. I am so thankful to all. I may not say it because I am embarassed to feel weak. I am so grateful for all my riches.

Peace Out

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Making it Matter

All of this must mean something. Taking away body parts. Chipping away at myself. It must all go towards living a healthy, long life. Because if not why am I doing this? I am doing this in the hope of seeing my children grow up. God knows how much I love them and reader, if you know me, you also know the depth of my love for them.
The road ahead seems long but hopeful. Three months of chemo and self administered inoculations. Then still a whole year of of weekly doses of a drug that may give me a fighting chance at a long life.
So it seems to me that I have a job to do. That job is making all this matter. Making it mean something.
I used to work at an organization that served the Jewish community here in Seattle. I learned a lot of things from this wonderful group of people. One of them is that if one person is a slave in this world that we all are slaves. Until all people are free, none of us are free. I know I use them term VERY loosely, but my point is this:
AS LONG AS ONE WOMAN HAS BREAST CANCER, WE ALL DO. Until breast cancer is irradicated, or any cancer for that matter, we are all slaves to it. Whether you are ill or your partner/spouse/lover/sister/mother/brother/father/child, is ill, we are all touched by it.
The word that keeps rolling around in my head is service. Service to help others. So many have helped me in this short amount of time. I cannot even start to tell you in this particular entry.
My point is service for me, will help on my road to making this matter.

Peace Out

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?
-The Verve

Friday, October 20, 2006

Wigged Out

With baldness soon approaching, I have doing what everyother chemo recipiant does.....I have been wig shopping. I have noticed quite a few thing on my journey of fake hair.
First of all, I am a woman of caucasion decent. The wigs that are marketed to me are generally VERY shiney, almost shallacked looking. I guess due the fact that white girls should have shiney hair. umph
Second of all, if I have to wear a wig, why not wear something I have always wanted, curly hair. The hunt for curly hair has brought me to this conclusion: The "ebony" wigs seem to have the texture and look that is more realistic to human hair even if it is synthetic. Whether it be straight or curly.
Third of all I accept the fact that I will look like a drag queen for a couple of months and I plan to DRAG IT UP!!!
False eye lashes, wigs, drawn on eyebrows, and whatever else I want to do. Because after all having cancer sucks and you have to find the fun in the most trying of times.
So if you see me walking down the street and call out "Maria!" don't be surprised if I don't answer because I may change my name too, even if only for a short time.

Peace Out

Thursday, October 19, 2006


Shining Star
Little Mommy
Joke teller
Shoe lover
Dog lover


Kitty lover

Bullet Train

I feel as though I am going in slo mo while riding on a bullet train. That's what the last two months have been.
I have a lump.
Get a mammogram.
Get a biopsy.
Bad biopsy.
You need a mastectomy.
I think I'll take a double, thank you.
Get an MRI.
Bad MRI.
Get a double mastectomy.
Painfully recover.
Try and act like it's all ok. (Make everyone feel comfortable)
Have Chemo....

So here I am 2 months later starting chemo on 10/26. Expected baldness two weeks out from that. Titless is fine. Baldness is fine. Dying, not so fine. I will do whatever it takes to see my girls grow up. I will chip away at my body in order to attain this goal.
This is my first entry.

Peace Out