Hypocrisy

Pronunciation:

\hi-ˈpä-krə-sē also hī-\

Function:

noun

Inflected Form(s):

plural hy·poc·ri·sies

Etymology:

Middle English ypocrisie, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrisis, from Greek hypokrisis act of playing a part on the stage, hypocrisy, from hypokrinesthai to answer, act on the stage, from hypo- + krinein to decide — more at certain

Date:

13th century

1: a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not; especially : the false assumption of an appearance of virtue or religion2: an act or instance of hypocrisy

This word has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been rolling it around in my head. Like a marble in a jar, it keeps clanging on the side because it's the only thing in the jar. A few instances have come up in conversations for me this week that have led me to write about the subject.
We are all hypocrites in some form or another. Some folks more than others, some folks less.
I do not, for the most part write about my religious views on this blog. That's not the purpose of this blog is for me. BUT, big but here, I am going to mention a few views I have on religion, and how it makes me crazy that there are folks here on earth who think they have the right to tell others what to do.
I feel that hypocrisy and judgment go hand in hand. Christians seem to have the view at times that they have the upper hand with God on other Christians according to what day the go to church, or when the pray, how they pray, etc...
If I have this right, I think the whole gig is accepting Jesus as your Savior and asking forgiveness for your sins is deal. From what I hear, there was only one person ever on this earth that was not a sinner or hypocrite. Jesus Christ. If you are a Christian, that is what you believe.
My family and I have been attending a rockin' church for almost a year now. I love it. It's a great fit for ALL FOUR OF US. But do you know that someone had the audacity to ask my guy if he still believed in the Sabbath. (He was raised SDA) As if that was our barrier to salvation. Instead of being happy that we have found a church home and family, they were more concerned with their agenda. It blows my freakin mind. WOW! Do you have the bat line to God? Do you think he's pissed we're going to church on Sunday? Well, if he is, let's let him worry about that, not you.
This seems to be a constant in our lives. Nothing is ever good enough.
Stop, stop, stop the madness. The more people push up on me or my loved ones, the more I will push back. Now there's some anger you can judge! And I'll tell you what, it feels so good to get mad at something other than cancer. Honestly, cancer has ignored all my requests to go to hell.
I am a sinner. I am no more churchy than the next gal. I struggle, I get angry. I rebel against the forces of unfairness. I gossip, I cuss, I drink, I eat red meat. Pray for me if you think you need to.
But do not judge me for you are no better.

Peace Out

Ugly Stick

Dude,
I feel like I have been beat with an ugly stick.
I look like I fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
My hair is in a really funky way these days. Not to mention my entire body. I feel like a frickin mess.
This fro I got is not doing me any favors.
I am having some ugly days that are turning into weeks, that are turning into months.
Since when did I worry so much about my outward appearance? I feel like a train wreck. My hair and body betraying me. I was never the purdiest girl in the room nor did I howl at the moon. But these days I am looking like a before shot all the time.
Do I just not have enough to worry about (cancer) these days. so I focus on all the surface shit?


Peace Out

Fini

January 25, 2008. My last day of vitamin H. My last day of treatment. I am done. I am finished. I am happy. I am a bit scared. Flying without a net. I don't think I will really realize it until a couple of months have gone by and I didn't have to arrange child care and get my self to the hospital only to get a couple of hours of rest while I get juiced up.
And now I get to heal. For the first time in almost 18 months I will not be pumping any poison into my body. Hopefully all the swelling and weight gain and creaky joints will slowly dissipate and I can be my self again...what ever that is.
It has been such a busy time around our house. I have let my blogging go by the way side. I feel like all the holidays and birthdays are over and we can get back to a routine of some sort. There is comfort in routine.

Peace Out

Happy Birthday Wyatt

January 6, 2008. Wyatt's third birthday.
Happy Birthday my little piece of glitter.
You're a funny girl. You have an instant smile for those you meet every day. You're a great sister to Elliot.
I find it hard to believe that three years have gone by. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you. I knew that very instant that you were brought here to complete our family.
I love you more than air.

Mommy

You know that I'm Toxic

I have been thinking a lot about what causes illness and cancer and other sucky things like that. There are tons of theories. There's the environmental theory, the food theory, the lack of vitamin theory, the karma is a bitch theory,the stress theory, and the genetic theory. I could go on and on. But in the end, will we ever know FOR SURE? Why do some folks get it and some don't. Why does it sometimes seem that there might even be some who deserve it more than others. hee hee I know you loved that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We can't exactly cast misfortune on folks but we my know someone we wish might stump their toes or something...
For those of you that are healthy and cancer free, do the rest of us a favor and don't play soothsayer. Don't act like you possibly know what the real cause is, because even our docs don't know. We don't know. I mean, holy cow could it it all the house cleaners I use? The alcohol I drink? The meat I eat? The grudges I hold? Am I a bad person? Am I good person with shitty luck?
Keep your theories to yourself and I will keep my putrid, black, hateful thoughts away from you. Unless of course you dig that kind of stuff. I know some who do...And I love them even more for it.

Peace Out

Catch My Disease

I thought long and hard last year what I would feel like and look like this year.
I wondered what cancer free would look like. If that's what I truly am...cancer free. Are we ever cancer free? Is it ever off our minds and our hearts? Does a day go by that we don't use the word cancer in a sentence?
No matter how life goes on or how busy we get, do we recover?
Looking in the mirror from the neck down on any given day reminds me. I now call my chest the bone yard. I mean that affectionately of course. Anthony says I should get a set of wings tattooed on my chest, yet have the wings coming off a rib cage. Yea, he thinks he's funny sometimes. I will not mention other funny things he says.
Ugh, sometimes I am sick of me.
Anyhoo, we survived Thanksgiving and we are on the Christmas. The girls are excited and life is busy. How dare I complain huh?
I have been an absent blogger I know. My head is filled with things to write yet my time is never idle these days to sit and type. Maybe after the new year!

Peace Out

My head is a box full of nothing
and that's the way I like it
My garden's a secret compartment
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
Your body's a dream that turns violent
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
The winter is long in the city
and that's the way I like it

So please
baby please
Open your heart
Catch my disease

-Ben Lee

Not The Marrying Kind

I am not married.
Despite the fact that I have two kids and a committed relationship with the same man for 8 years...I am not married. Nor will I be. i have no plans to be married nor does my partner.
For me, the is nothing that a legal document can change anything for me. i will not be more of a mate of a better mommy. I will not change my name or my status in society. Our I's are dotted and our T's are crossed. We have insurance policies and health care. I have all the papers documented. So why would I get married? Let me think about that.
I have been asked many times when we will marry. Too many to count.
Do you want me to marry for religious reasons? If so, give me those reasons and I will think about it.
My relationship with my partner is not one of either one of us dying to make it all "legal." I admit, there was a time that I thought we would and I truly wanted it. But a lot has happened in these eight years that has me to believe nothing would change. Being married doesn't make people stay together. Commitment, compromise, devotion. That's what keeps my family together. Some of you who read this are married. Perhaps not your first marriage. Being a couple is never easy 100% of the time. and a ceremony will not change that.
We are a family, the four of us. Nothing, nothing will ever change that.

I'm a girl, I'm a boy
And the goddess meant for me only joy
And real love requires you, give up those loves
Whom you think you love best
Love puts you through the test
And only loyal love will be me happiness
-Sinead O-Connor

Peace Out

Bitchology

This was sent to me by my favorite preschool teacher...You know who you are ;)


When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way,
they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a
bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being
everyone's maid,
or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly
am
and
won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is
nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every
ounce
of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Bold
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

"If you can't do something right, get a woman to do it."

The Sweetest Dream of All

You were dreamt of on a lazy day.
Your long eye lashes looking up at your mommy as you nursed.
Tiny fingers wrapping around locks of hair.
Your heavy breathing with fluttery eyelids.
Your quick heartbeat that only babies have.
The smell of your smooth creaseless skin.
You were so dreamy and ended up being a misty thought.
You were here and then you weren't.
Your mommy missed you but never knew you.
Tears came and plans changed.
You'll always be in your mommy's dreams.
Sweet sweet dreams.

Peace Out

My First Hair Cut

Friday night my friends Anna And Kevin came over with their little boy Silas for a slumber party. My fashionista amiga Anna, who is a hair stylist, gave me my first hair cut since it grew back!! That is,she trimmed up the fro. I have not had a hair cut in a year. Last year when I knew I would loose all my hair due to chemo, I went and cut it all off. I cut off 12 inches and sent it to Locks of Love. http://locksoflove.org/donate.html
At the time I had long dark straight beautiful long hair. I think now it seems almost black and fro-ish.
The drinks were flowing and the music was good. We were silly and and had a great time. The kids played and giggled.
She works at Salon Joseph in Seattle if you want a great hair style and a lot of laughs!!!!!!!!!
600 W McGraw Street
Seattle, WA 98119-5801 Phone: 206.285.1113

Anna Schumacher

Heaven and Hell

Can you pin point the moment your life felt like it would fall apart if even a small breeze came through your window?
Was it call from your doctor? Was it a confession from a loved one?
I am not in the business of hurting folks. I would rather take the pain on myself to rescue others from hurt.
Hell on earth is watching the people you love get hurt. Especially children. I would do anything in my power for my girls to never feel pain. Emotionally or physically. Any parent would.
Heaven on earth is the joy of raising happy children. Helping them to be good people.
I love my family. I want to honor them and keep them from pain. I want to be a shield that will take the flying arrows. I never want to be the bringer of pain. And if I do, I am sorry. I am so sorry.

Peace Out

FroMullette

I have mentioned my hair, the Cho Fro, haven't I?
The fro I go after chemo.
The hair that has become a mullet.
The FroMullette, as it have been named by Anna and Kevin.
Oh yea, it's getting big.
I have NEVER had curly hair in my whole life that was not chemically induced. It's a whole new ball game here folks. New products. New style. Complete confusion. Don't get me wrong, I am sooooooooo happy to have hair these days!
I was reading a fellow bloggers entry about a certain hair commercial. It's a commercial that I had seen the other day. These chicks swinging their hair everywhere. The announcer implying that it's how hair should be. As if all the world's problems would be fixed if we used this product and our hair flowed as the model's did. Maybe that's right. If I had good hair, cancer would dim in comparison. World hunger and suffering would come to a halt if we all had sexy hair.
I refuse to name the product and give it ad time on my blog.
I will say, I may go but it and rub it all over my now erased flat chest and see if it feels better. :)

Peace Out

The Path

Some say that the path to heaven is through hell.
I have some friends who probably believe that. Not in a literal sense, but definitely figuratively speaking.
I had a girl's night last week with my cancer club friends. We had a great time. As I looked around the table I saw some women who definitely felt like they they had been through hell.
N-she's the furthest out from diagnosis and treatment. She's our mentor. She's got some cute little man made boobies and a great laugh to go with them.
C- has a new man, a new house and looking for one boob to go.
A- our actress and house funny girl.
K- keepin it real with her dark side.
C- growin hair and boob shoppin'.
P- sly smile and great humor. Her hair is circa Mia during the Sinatra days.
S- always has the best shoes and attitude.

We drank and ate and laughed our asses off. Folks probably looked over at us to see what all the noise was about. These days you can't tell what we've been through by just looking at us. We have hair, pink skin, and boobs(some real, some not). Out humor can be quite dark. Our jokes completely distasteful. We have the same path, just some different turns in the road.
We all wake up on this side of the grass and that's a good thing.

Peace Out

Wazzup

What's up? My I have been busy.
I wish I could even list all that has been going on. Nothing bad. Just life.
School
Soccer
Gymnastics
Volunteering
Laundry
Halloween
Sleeping
You know, the usual stuff. At the end of the day I am pooped.
This week the girls and I are going to Texas to see my folks. Anthony is going to Maui on a dude surf trip. Then we will go to Oregon for turkey day and after that, Anthony is off to a business trip.
We had a great Halloween. The girls dressed as puppies.
The year is coming to an end amazingly quick.
Hope all is well for you.

Peace Out

My New Job

I just realized today that I have a new job. It's called being the mother of a kindergartener. Yup, it's a full time job.
The pay is not that great and I work about 25 hours a day.
You see, I don't like to be booked up and scheduled too much. The pinch is, I am, now that Elliot has started big girl school. Some of it is self imposed and some is having 2 kids. I have a dear friend that has been busy since the day I met her. She never seems to tire or complain. I on the other hand do nothing but bitch and moan. She says I have a sense of entitlement, and I do. I am entitled to complain about being busy.
I constantly feel like I am forgetting something. If you have ever heard of chemo brain...I have it!
I can't remember things and words and sometimes the names of my children. I do not kid here. I seriously can't remember anything!!!!!!!!!
I know that there a folks in the world that would line up for my problems. I have a good life. Just right now, I feel as though I am falling down a deep deep abyss.
On top of it all, a lady at the grocery store today asked me if Wyatt was my grand daughter. Do I look that freakin' fried?
Perhaps so. I need a raise and more comp time...

Peace Out

My Bum Is Talking To You

This afternoon after church, Wyatt, my two year old daughter, was cooking lunch with me. As she stood there stirring a pan she let out a really huge toot!!!!!!!!!!

Me: WYATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wyatt: (smiling) My bum is talking to you.
Me: What's it saying?
Wyatt: It saying I love you.

I hope she tells her husband that someday.

Peace Out

My Daughter's Mother

I am the mother of two female children. I have no idea what it would be like to mother a son. I am sure there are many things I would do differently if I had boys, but I don't and the point is moot.
I think about the kind of women I want my girls to grow up to be. I don't mean in the sense that they should be cheerleaders or scholars, jocks or musicians. I mean in how they treat themselves and how the expect others to treat them.
We teach children to be kind to others, but do we teach them to be kind to themselves? Do we teach them to love themselves? Did your parents tell you to love yourself? Maybe the did, maybe they didn't. Did they tell you that you are smart? Did they tell you that you could be anything and do anything you set your heart to?
My mom did not tell me these things. I saw things as a child that no child should even know about. I saw things that would make me hate myself. I was not told to go to college. I was not told I was just fine the way I was.
I feel as a mother of two girls, I really need to invest in their self worth. I know every child should have that, I am just focusing on my girls.
I take great care to NEVER say the words "I'm fat." I take care to never give the impression that life would be better if I were physically different. A major reason I will never have reconstruction on my mastectomy is the fact that I need to show my girls that there is no physical attribute that will define who I am as a woman/human. I am not against what others do. I just need to do this in my house. Which is another lesson. Don't worry about what others do or think, worry about what feels right in your own house.
We talk about eating healthy and exercising to be healthy. These two subjects are not moral issues at my house. You are not good or bad for the choices you make. We just imply healthy choices make you feel good. There's no judgment whether you eat meat or junk food. Eating fried tofu can kill your heart just like a french fry. Don't get uppity with me about this.
My friend Shannon sent me the link below. It got me thinking about all this.
If we do not teach girls they rock no matter what, believe me...someone else will, and they do not love your children.
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.co.uk

Peace Out

Think Pink

I have gone pink for the month of October.
October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month.
If you are reading this blog, you have been touched by breast cancer. I may be a friend, or relative, acquaintance, or the lady you pass at the grocery store. Whatever I am to you, consider yourself touched. You now know someone with breast cancer. You lucky devil :)
The good news is, I am not contagious. The bad news is, I have no boobs.
I kid, I kid...
I hope and pray that if you do know me, or if you read this by chance, that I am the ONLY person you know who has breast cancer. May it never touch your life again, or mine.

Peace Out

Disassembled

A year ago I had a double mastectomy.
At that time I felt as though I was slowly being disassembled. I felt as though I would gladly remove what ever body part(s) I needed to to see my girls grow up.
A lot can happen in a year. Wounds heal. Hearts mend. Despair can be replaced by hope.
I have been through chemo. I have cried many tears. I have gained many pounds. My body at times does not feel like my own. But my life is my own. I live it gladly, lumps, bumps and all.
My children are awesome, My relationship with my partner fulfills me. My family is thriving and I have the best friends a person could want on this earth.
Inshallah. That's what is it.
You can take pieces of me away, but I will come back every, better for it each time.

Peace Out

3day Walk

I have not been able to really blog about this walk. In my own selfish way I have kept it to myself so that I could roll it around in my head for a while. You see, it was amazing. I have not been able to come up with the words to fully explain it all. It's just too much. There are SO many things to say but I can't.
I will just say this, we laughed our asses off. We might of cried a little too. It was simply the best. I can not do it justice by blogging about it.
Just know I loved it. It physically took a lot out of me and my team. I have decided I would do it over and over just to capture that feeling again. It's like a drug.
I love you Lickity Splits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out