Day 2

I have this friend....No really, I do have a few folks who will actually claim to like me.

Anyhoo...

I have this friend who I will call Mona in this partic blog, to keep her identity safe.

I have known Mona since I was 23 years old. She is awesome. I don't see her or talk to her nearly enough, but when I do we never miss a beat. She makes me laugh so hard I get a stomach ache!

In our wild 20's we were part of a small group of people who thought our shit did. not. stink. And you know what? Mine may stink now, but it didn't back then.

We were wild. We didn't care who thought what. We did whatever we wanted. We wore whatever we wanted. We danced, drank, and said, whatever we pleased. It was good to be us. The best part was, we had real jobs that afforded us this lifestyle.

There was a brief time we lived together.

There was a great story about her drunk boyfriend peeing on her back while in a stooper.

There was broken hearts.

And then we grew up. Our small tribe did not stick together. Yet, Mona and I have always been a phone call away.

Mona lost a baby in the very late stages of a pregnancy. My phone rang at 9:00 on a Sunday morning. Not exactly a time I would be talking to her. She called to tell me of her heartbreak and we cried.

I called her when I had my second round of breast cancer. She said what can I do? I asked her to come to a chemo with me. And she did after rearranging her entire life, to fly up here to Seattle and sit with me. She was with me when I bought my first wig.

Then when I decided to do my first 3 day breast cancer walk, who do you think walked beside me? Yup, Mona.

These days Mona has a HILARIOUS little boy. She's married. She's still funny as shit. That girl can make me laugh. She is bold and true. She has loved me with out condition for 20 years. I always forget her birthday and still, she loves me.

I love you Mona. I am a lucky girl to have you in my life.

The heart remembers.

Peace Out

Day 1

I have a 11 year relationship that is over. So over. Done.
Another personal failure.
Please do not take sides on this. This train wreck is not about sides.
It was never an easy relationship.
I met him playing soccer. He was playing forward and I was sucking ass playing defense. Actually I only saw him playing. I met him the next week at work when I went and introduced myself to him. Lawdy, I thought...what a beautiful human. He was quiet, which I took for shy. But now many years and tears later, I have taken his silence as a wall I could never climb over.
I am verbal and emotional and hot tempered, so you maybe you can see how it was never gonna be easy.
I loved him to the moon and back. I loved him. I really really loved him. I wanted to get married for many years. I am the mother of his children. I wanted to be his wife. I loved him.
All couples go through ups and downs. I know this. Having children is an up. Having cancer is a down.
Inlaws and outlaws that never really supported us didn't help. Speaking in hushed tones and gossiping is not the way to promote family. If one REALLY cared about children, then one would do anything in ones power to support the parents of said children. Some members of his family do not care for me, nor I for them. As for my folks, they do what they have always done in my life, they just stop talking to me, forsaking their own grandchildren. We're all fucked up huh?
Subtle shifts in personal growth don't always bring couples closer. A crack in the foundation of an already shifty terrain can leave each person standing on opposite sides of the chasm. And that's where we are. Standing facing each other pointing fingers.
Somedays I yearn for days gone by. But even those days were not rainbows and butterflies.
Now we are trying to build a friendship that was never really there. We have to. We have kids. It's so hard. Trust is broken. I will never be his wife. For my sanity, I need to have a peaceful, if not friendly, relationship with him.
So there, I have outed the elephant in the room.
Day 1 is a doosey for me.

Peace Out

Thirty Days of My Crap

I have heard it done before.
Thirty days in a row of blogging. Thirty days of mental vomit typed out on a keyboard. keyBOARD. Will this gain me a reader or two? Will this loose me a reader or two? Does it matter?
I'm gonna do it.
I have been inspired by many a blogger before me.
My life is not the easiest right now so there may be a lot of crappy, pity party stuff on here. I will try to lay off the- oh poor me- show as much as possible. I always love a party, especially when I get to whine...wine.
Hang on....here I go.

Peace Out

3 Sides To Every Story

Must I do this so publicly?

Sometimes bloggers feel the need to spill their guts on their blog. I think we think no one ever reads our blogs, so we vomit all our emotions onto a keyboard hoping for some emotional relief.

I have read it and I have done it.

I try though, I really try not put put gory details on here. Ohhhhhh I want to. Believe me. I want to spill it. I want to purge.

There 3 sides to every story. His side, Her side, and the truth. Don't believe all the gossip because the truth is much more interesting.

My blog has been a source of communicating. I have written about cancer and getting through it. I have rambled silly stuff.

Now as I see the end of my relationship with the father of my children, it's hard not to type all my emotions. Or what I feel is my side of the story. Eleven years of story. But that's not really fair.

At this point of an ending , most couples would no longer live together. Yet we do. By the time I move out, it will be eleven years almost to the month.

No matter where I am going and what goodness my future holds, it's hard. I have had babies while living in this house. I have had some of the best and worst times of my life in this house. I had cancer in this house. I have laughed and cried in this house. It has sheltered me and my children. Kept us safe and warm.

So not to blog about this transition of my life is very difficult.

I try...I try

Peace Out

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Words.....

They can build you up. They can tear you down. They can start and end wars.

Words of love.

Words of hate.

Words, unlike bruises and scars, are not seen after said. Words can remain ringing in your ears long after said. They can shape us by the inside out. Positive or negative.

Words can be typed and written. Physical touch, good or bad, is gone after the connection. But words can be read over and over again. They can be heard again if recorded, or they can roll around in your head like rocks.

Just like bombs, the can be weapons of mass destruction.

Peace Out

Driving Ms. Crazy

Ahhhhhhh, the modern family. The blended family.
His/Mine/Hers/Theirs/Ours. One big happy family.
It's quite a goal to accomplish. In this Brady Bunch type world. No one ever really came out and said if Mike and Carol were divorced or widowed from their first partners. Hell, maybe neither were ever married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one ever thought about that in those days.
Mike and Carol never had to deal with "ex's" They never had to make sure schedules worked for all parties involved. They didn't have to hold their tongue in tense times to keep the peace. They didn't have to watch their ex do kind things that were never done for them. They didn't have to argue over money and what was due the other one.

Nope

Mike and Carol got off scott free from ever having to deal with the other ones ex. Makes me wish I were in a sit-com. But I am not. I deal with real life issues just you do, dear reader. I struggle over trying to have someone see my worth that they never really saw. Whether it be monetarily or has a mate and a mother. I struggle with seeing all the affection and appreciation that I yearned for, given to someone who has not even been around a year.

Am I blameless? Hell no.

So am I crazy? Yup, somedays I am. But ya'll already knew that, huh?

Peace Out

The Last Day of Our Acquaintance

Relationships begin. Relationships end. Sometimes they just fade away.

When they begin, the world seems to be full of butterflies and unicorns. Everything the new person does is just so cute and charming. They don't stink. They don't smell. Anything seems possible. Nothing unreachable or unattainable.

But when they end....well, things can get ugly. There can be collateral damage. Children take the burden of it all, I believe. It's not ever their fault yet they are in the middle of a clusterfuck that really has nothing to do with them.

The adults point fingers. They categorically assign blame, real or imagined. They make the ex to be the worst human ever. They forget that they are talking about the mother or father of their children being a "maniac" "delusional" "asshole" "bitch" "crazy".

They forget that at one time they loved and admired that person. They forget the days that their children were born. They forget the rainbows and butterflies.

All that's left is property, custody arrangements, and most the time hard feelings.

In the battle to be right, they forget that they are bonded together in some fashion...forever. Forever is a mighty long time. It's a mighty long time to throw someone under the bus. Oh and lets not forget, if children are involved, you are co-parenting as long as you both shall live. You once thought this person had the qualities that you thought were good enough to procreate with. And now....well now....

This is the last day of our acquaintance

I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love
Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

~Sinead O'Connor

Friendship

Today has me thinking about friendship.

What does it mean to you to be or have a friend? Are you a good friend?

There are times I have been a really shitty friend. There are times I could of been a better friend. There are also times that I have been a good friend.

Where would we be with out our friends? Sometimes friends are our family. We share our joys, triumphs, heartbreak, successes, and fuck ups with friends.

Friendship requires give and take just like any relationship. It requires a connection. Not always having everything in common. Friends make us better people.

Remember the song, make new friends, but keep the old ones? Does it ring true for you? It's never to late to meet new people. It's never too late to repair broken friendships. It's never too late to appreciate the friendships you currently have.

I know as a friend, I have work to do.

Peace Out

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

A circle is round,
it has no end.
That's how long,
I will be your friend.

A fire burns bright,
it warms the heart.
We've been friends,
from the very start.

You have one hand,
I have the other.
Put them together,
We have each other.

Silver is precious,
Gold is too.
I am precious,
and so are you.

You help me,
and I'll help you
and together
we will see it through.

The sky is blue
The Earth is green
I can help
to keep it clean

Across the land
Across the sea
Friends forever
We will always be

Ch Ch Changes

I have not blogged in a while. Partly due to business and partly due to the choas of life...which now that I think about it, is business too.
My family is going through big changes. Mostly all good, yet as we all know change can be stressfull. The most important thing is that we are all healthy. We are all working hard towards harmonious and happy lives. When the time comes, all will be told. Until then...

Peace Out

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Where Does Hope Live Now?

Elizabeth Edwards. She passed away yesterday and I cannot tell you how sad it makes me. I have been thinking about the life she had. There's the obvious...John Edwards, breast cancer, the death of a child.
That's a lot to go through in 61 years. Her path was fraught with heartache and disappointment.
I was listening to NPR this morning and some foolish foolish woman was saying how Elizabeth Edwards "drank the koolaide" of her husband's life of deception. And I thought really? Seriously? Do you think for one second you could of walked in her shoes?
I can tell you as a mother, I would do anything, and I mean anything, to protect my children. I am sure she didn't make one move without the thought of what it would do to her children. I am sure every decision she made was not easy. I am sure there were days that she wanted to throw in the towel. I am sure protecting them was her number one priority, The one and only thing she could not protect them from, is loosing their mother.
I am just plain sad to hear of her passing. It makes me sick.
She seemed, at least to me as a beacon of hope.
So with her gone...where does hope live now?

Peace Out

I was there

it was public. i walked in to pay respects and walked out.

i have a hard time believing i bothered anyone but you. silly girl.

i have to wonder what you heard in the beautiful speech that was given. i heard it loud and clear so here goes... have a great life. find peace happiness and joy.

Tell me the tooth

My children are loosing teeth, left,right, and center. It seems everyother day we are conjuring up the tooth fairy. We eat a lot of soup at my house!

Peace Out

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What I'm Diggin Right Now

I was thinking today, as I went to Target for the ten millionth time this month (yup, it's September 3rd) of all the products in this world that make MY life better, and sometimes yours too.
So I thought, I'm gonna write down all my favs today. As if you care....

Swiffer lavender scented refills
Swiffer dust and shine with febreze
Aveda ANYTHING
My Canon camera
Clean laundry smells
Fall and Halloween coming right around the corner
The 15th anniversay of my 29th bday this month
A new word game on my Kindle
Diet Coke
Resolve carpet cleaner
Food Truck Wars on the food channel
Survivor starting next week
Seeing my chilis excited about school
Football season
Coors Lite
A new walking partner
A new very part time job
Dyson vacuum cleaner
My house being clean with no one home to mess it up
Neutrogena face scrub
Cute hair bobs with flowers on them

I would like to add here that I am by no means getting paid by these products, that is not my new part time job. Also, some of the things on the list are givens but I like to put it out there anyway.

Peace Out

First Day of Kindergarten

Have you ever seen a star fall from the sky? One the shines so bright that it eclipses your entire heart?
That's what happened to me when this little gem came into my life. Our first day together she snuggled in under my arm. That is still her favorite sleeping spot. She was a smiley baby, and still is to this day.
She started Kindergarten today. I watched her board the bus with her big sister. It was as if she'd been doing it for years. She told me that I would be ok today. She said maybe I could take a nap since I had no kids in the house today.
She breaks my heart in the very best way possible. She is snuggly and juicy. She is like a piece of glitter. Completely different from her sister...you now her every thought and feeling.
I have no idea how I got so blessed.
She tells me all the time that she will never leave me and will live with me forever. I keep trying to get that in writing but, she's only 5 and doesn't know how to spell that good. I hope she always feels that way!
Happy first day of Kindergarten WyWy!

I love you more than air!
Mommy

First Day of 3rd Grade

Look at her. She takes my breath away. All snaggled toothed as only an 8 year old can be. She's getting on a bus that is driving her to a place that will keep her all day. I birthed this child. She came out of my body. I grew that hair, those hazel eyes, inside of myself. And now I am supposed to just watch her leave me for hours at a time. Out of my sight but never out of my mind. All day I yearn to see her smile. I wonder how she's doing, if she's happy. It's the plight of a mother is it not? Watching them grow and spread their wings.
Look at her. She's so stinkin happy and proud. Off to 3rd grade to see her friends. They talk of things I'll never know about. It used to be that I knew her every sound and movement. Now she has a life that sometimes will seem foreign to me.
I hugged her close to me when I picked her up from school. We caught each others eyes all the way down a long hall and we both raised a hand to wave. My baby, coming back into my fold. Me, a proud mamma, not letting her see my tears of happiness.
Happy first day of 3rd grade Elliot!

I love you more than air,
Mommy

Wackadoooooo

I cut my hair recently. While most folks cut their hair every 7 weeks or so, I usually do not. After losing all my hair during chemo, I am very skidish if scissors get near me.
When it was growing back I did enjoy a fro for the first time of my life. My hair is usually very straight and it grew back curly! Ahhhh the joy of curly hair. Then I started getting it cut and the curl was gone. DAMMIT!
After a few cuts I was on a mission to grow out my hair. Longgggggggg.
But you know what? I just kept putting it up in a pony tail. What the hell good is that? Day after day I would pile it on top of my head and go about my biznazz.
Until a couple of weeks ago...
I have been going to a new hair stylist and told her to talk me off the ledge I was about to jump off. The ledge of- cut all this shit off. She said no way would she do that, we were gonna high dive off the mo fo and cut it OFF!
And we did, and I love it!
So thank you Carolann for the hair therapy.

Peace Out

I forget......

I forget what I was going to call this blog but I do remember what it is about.
First and foremost...Terry you were dead wrong about the Billy Jean King thing. I was right and I will remind you of that for eternity.
I think I was going to tell you what an asshole you are etc etc....but I forget.
The bottom line is KG is a rock star and you should bow down each and every day ;)

Oh yea, I was right!

Peace Out

An Ass Kickin'

Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

Catch and Release

Should I go left? Should I go right? Forward?
Those are easy questions. I am an adult. At least that's what the calendar says.
But my children, well, the are children. I have spent all the years of theirs lives making choices for them and about them. Today I hit a brick wall...
My oldest turned eight this month. She has eight years of opinions and wants and wishes. She expresses them very well and not always the way I would like her to, as in whining.
Today was different. I suddenly realized that she needed to make a choice without me. I wanted her to do one thing, she wanted to do something else. For the first time in all these years I was upset, but in a more hurt feelings emotional way. I looked at her and said, ok it's your choice. She knew I was very sad and told me that she's not happy if I'm not happy, which is exactly how I feel about her. I told her that in her life we would both make choices that neither one of us agreed with. We would have to be accepting of this.
Then in my head I thought, HOLY SHIT, I AM A MOM!!!!!!!
I am a full fledged mutha of a mom!
I soooooooo wanted her to make MY choice, but I needed her to have the full impact of making her own. The good and the bad.
Through the years, I have to allow my children to do this. There will be millions of times I will have to grin and bare it. I will bite my tongue and let them succeed AND fall on their faces. Because that's what you're supposed to do in my book. I will be the soft place to land when the fall is steep. I will be the first and loudest to cheer at the goals and triumphs.
I will catch them when they fall and release them when they need to run. No matter if it hurts or if my joy shines like the sun.

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

She knows the high stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

She knows the highest stakes

Wide Open Spaces-The Dixie Chicks

Coolest Baby Clothes Evah!

I stumbled upon a supa cute store today with one of a kind local handmade baby goods!
It's here in my home town Issaquah in Gilman Village AND they have a website!
www.xmarksthetot.com
ch-ch-check it out!

Peace Out