Day 1

I have a 11 year relationship that is over. So over. Done.
Another personal failure.
Please do not take sides on this. This train wreck is not about sides.
It was never an easy relationship.
I met him playing soccer. He was playing forward and I was sucking ass playing defense. Actually I only saw him playing. I met him the next week at work when I went and introduced myself to him. Lawdy, I thought...what a beautiful human. He was quiet, which I took for shy. But now many years and tears later, I have taken his silence as a wall I could never climb over.
I am verbal and emotional and hot tempered, so you maybe you can see how it was never gonna be easy.
I loved him to the moon and back. I loved him. I really really loved him. I wanted to get married for many years. I am the mother of his children. I wanted to be his wife. I loved him.
All couples go through ups and downs. I know this. Having children is an up. Having cancer is a down.
Inlaws and outlaws that never really supported us didn't help. Speaking in hushed tones and gossiping is not the way to promote family. If one REALLY cared about children, then one would do anything in ones power to support the parents of said children. Some members of his family do not care for me, nor I for them. As for my folks, they do what they have always done in my life, they just stop talking to me, forsaking their own grandchildren. We're all fucked up huh?
Subtle shifts in personal growth don't always bring couples closer. A crack in the foundation of an already shifty terrain can leave each person standing on opposite sides of the chasm. And that's where we are. Standing facing each other pointing fingers.
Somedays I yearn for days gone by. But even those days were not rainbows and butterflies.
Now we are trying to build a friendship that was never really there. We have to. We have kids. It's so hard. Trust is broken. I will never be his wife. For my sanity, I need to have a peaceful, if not friendly, relationship with him.
So there, I have outed the elephant in the room.
Day 1 is a doosey for me.

Peace Out