Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Struggle

OMG....I am so sick of myself at this point. I must purge.....
This last month has been a struggle for me personally. It's so many things balled into one.
September 29, 2006, I had a double mastectomy. Yes. I know, blah blah blah, you keep tellin us that!
But here's the thing, this year is my 5 year mark. I want to act like it's no big deal. Really I do, but as it gets closer, I have come to realize that it is weighing on my mind.
September 29, 2011, I will be 45 years old. The hell you say? I look not a day over 33 you say? Oh reader, you flatter me. Blush....thank you!
So yes, every year my birthday rolls around, I remember to take a moment to be grateful I get to celebrate another year.
This year though it's just sticking in my craw and I can't seem to blow it off. I should because I have a lot going on. I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have a new blended family of 4 girls. I'm busy. Yet I can always find time for a pity party with a glass of whine!
There are days I miss my familiar. I miss my friends on the other side of town. My girls seem to be doing great making new friends. I feel like I am failing miserably. I keep waiting to feel like part of the club, it's just not happening. It's really fucked up at 45 to feel like I can't meet a friend....can some one pour me some more whine?
I was writing to someone today about the twisted feeling one gets after the broohaha of cancer and chemo. One feels lonely. It's really not right to even say. But if I were being honest, and I am, it's true.
So I liken this feeling of loneliness to a difficult time I had after chemo. Everyone loves a fire but no one really wants to stay after the firetruck leaves.
Here at this new school with this new life, my story arrived before I did. Everyone wanted to see the new girl. It felt exciting and fun for me. New school, new house, meeting new friends. But the reality for me has become feeling invisible. Now you see me, now you don't. I'm being such a titty baby.
I should be running down the street in my birthday suit with the bone yard hanging out screaming thank you baby jesus for my charmed life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
uggggg I'm such an asshole that all I do is whine.
This is an ugly blog today, with shameful feelings of being ungrateful for all that I have. 45 lashes with a wet noodle!

Peace Out

No comments: