Just a couple of more days and I will have my last chemo. Funnily enough, this doesn't evoke much excitement in anyone but me. Really why should it? There are those have been on this journey with me, but no one could actually take the chemo for me. So as I approach this day that I have been waiting for, for months, it goes out with a fizzle rather than the bang I imagined. To be honest, I am quite tired of me and my story. I could never think that others aren't too. It's not like I will walk out of the hospital on Thursday and have a full head of hair and feel completely restored. I haven't been at a spa for 4 months.
Thursday morning will arrive and I will do my chemo routine and then come home. I will also be starting the next phase of treatment that I will do every three weeks for a year. The main side effect of H is heart damage. Next Monday I will have a heart scan to get a base line of how my heart functions now. Then every three months I will get a scan to make sure H is not taking too much a toll on the ol' ticker. If so, we will back off a couple of months and then go from there. I guess this ain't over by a long shot. It's not chemo though and that's sweet.
So if you are my friend, in for a penny, in for a pound. It really is a lot huh? You can exit now, now questions asked. Cancer/Chemo/Illness/Surgery. They all test the strongest of relationships. People come and go, but the patient is still the patient. Illness is not a fair weather friend. It likes to hang out for a LOOOONNNNNG TIME. Illness never is late for an appointment. Illness stays with you through thick and thin. Illness is with you through all your treatments. Illness is with you in the middle of the night when you can't sleep. Illness doesn't care if your tired and don't want to talk. Illness is always there to talk about....Illness.
I look back at these last months as a blur. Sometime in disbelief. Sometimes I pass a mirror and don't recognize myself. There have been days that I was as low as I have every felt. There have been days when I almost feel as good as I ever have. I have never known what to expect from day to day. It is very much my nature to not ask for help. I have tried to keep my asking to a minimum, always scared that at some point I would need a lot, and then I would be asking a lot. I have seen the sadness in my partner's eyes. He, not knowing what to do at times to comfort me. I have seen him worried. I have seen my children come through this while their innocence in tact. Never worse for the wear. Just ready for mommy to be able to play more. I have had two friends that always make sure a I a chemo day treat.
I have lived a lot in these past months while trying to do things to keep me alive. I can see it in my face. I have aged. I am not talking vanity here. I am talking aging from worry and fear and feeling sick. Not good for the skin.
Without the bitter of this experience, there would be no sweet in the days to come.
Peace Out
1 comment:
Dear Maria,
I am MORE THAN EXCITED about your last chemo. There are many people that have followed you through this in thoughts, tears and prayers not to mention faith that God was holding you up. I have had whole churches, coworkers keeping you in prayers. I know that many are excited and life with springtime will return and feel better I believe. If you would let others celebrate with you we will all be in the spot of the world with you. Make it happen each day. Ups and downs come to all, but on thursday yell it out to the heavens and your world your grateful path you have made and what a trooper you have been. I am proud of YOU GIRl and Anthony and the two girls that have shown you always their love was and is there for you. It will be something to recall in their teen years. Let me know what you would like for celebration effects.
Love you always,
cj
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