I look like a cancer patient. In my own words, I look like crazy cancer girl. I have all the tale tell signs, or is it tell tale?
Anyhoo, I have...the look. Hat, with no hair peeking out. Eyebrows and eyelashes almost gone. No boobs, which makes me look really pear shaped. It's ugly. I hate it. It's public. The wig- who am I foolin'? The drawn on brows-phuleeese. It's all there for anyone who looks close enough to see. I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror. I have a huge lump on my chest on the right side that is my port. It's big and grayish looking under my skin. It saves my veins. It aches everyday.
Chemo is harsh. It's poison. I can taste it when I get my infusion. I can taste it every day. I am officially in "chemo-pause". Hot flashes, sweating, bitch on wheels.
I am not paranoid by any means, but I can feel people look at me.
There is the private side of cancer/chemo and the public side. The public side is how most folks know me. The private side I tell no one about. No one would understand the dark things I think about. I live on both sides.
Peace Out
1 comment:
MARIA,
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOUR HEART SORES IN CREATIVE WAYS. THE THINGS WE HOLD DEAR ARE ONLY THE PULSE OF WHAT WE HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO THINK OF WHAT MAKES US BEAUTIFUL. I REMEMBER THE BEAUTY IN YOUR SMILE. I REMEMBER THE BEAUTY OF YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR CHILDREN AND ANTHONY. I REMEMBER ALL THE GOOD. I REMEMBER HOW YOU KEEP YOUR HOME AND FILL IT WITH SPECIAL EVENTS. IT WILL BE THERE AGAIN. WE ALL WISH WE COULD TAKE PART OF THIS PIECE OF PAIN YOU HAVE. WE FEEL INADEQUATE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. ALL I KNOW IS GOD STILL HAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN TO LOVE AND HEAL.
LOVE TO YOU
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