Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Flip Side

Many a time on this blog I have mentioned that I will see you on the flip side. Today while I was at the hospital having my wonder drug pump into my body, I thought to myself....hey, this is the flip side!
This is where I dreamed to be last September. Here I am.
What's the flip side like? Well, hair is involved. EVERYWHERE. Working out, trying to eat healthy. Still getting treatment but feeling strong. Hope. Looking at my children with amazement. No more poison running through my body. Some new friendships. Travel. Getting ready for summer. My body looks like a war zone. Always will now.
Somethings have changed and some things have stayed the same. I can't really say that after going through all this I have found new meaning in religion or I have turned a new leaf from being cynical and jaded. Oh contraire mon frare. I am still that woman. I will say though, that some things I used to think were so important are not so much anymore and vice versa. I have no time for foolishness. I mean what I say and say what I mean. Cancer has given me the luxury of no longer dancing around issues so that everyone feels good. If something doesn't feel right I will speak up even if it is not popular. No more elephants in the middle of the room.
Here's the deal:
If cancer hasn't changed me to be who you want me to be, then you sure as hell won't.
I have a path. I am on it. The flip side is good.

Peace Out

If I tell you what you want to hear will it help you to sleep well at night
Are you sure that Im your perfect dear now just cuddle up and sleep tight
Im hungry
Im dirty
Im losing my mind
Everythings fine
Im freezing
Im starving
Im bleeding to death
Everythings fine

I miss you
I love you.
-Tracey Bonham

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Win Place Show

We welcome Spring!!!!
We've had some nice days lately. It's nice to have some sunshine.
Last Friday night we went to opening day at the horse races. It was packed and really fun. The girls loved seeing the horses and watching them run by. I had never been before. Have you?
We then went to have BBQ and there they had some piano playing. The girls we dancin' in their seats and had a grand time.
We are bound for Mexico in two weeks. We all need to unwind and relax after this last year. We will be joining Steve, Marci, Travis, and Rika, in a 3 bedroom suite. I am ready to see the beach and ocean. I am ready to have the sun shine on my face and see some beautiful sunsets!
Hair Report: I now look like I have a very butchy short hair cut. Not one I would choose normally, but I will take what I can get. I also have brows and lashes now!! Yay!
I have never sat the girls down and explain that I have had BREAST CANCER. They ask very few questions and roll with the punches. Well, last night we were watching a show about Lance Armstrong. Elliot looked at me and said, "Mommy, they just said he has cancer." I said yes, they did, and then she says, "Just like you." I looked at Anthony and he at me, and at that moment I could not breath. She totally gets it. I have never shied away from any questions that she has asked me, but she rarely asks much. To her, it is what it is. She said it so matter of factly. Like, it's normal. Ok then, so it is. She's a rock star.
Tomorrow I go in for treatment. I plan to take a little nap and enjoy some quiet time to myself. Funny, how going to the hospital is now down time for me. That is so messed up :)

Win: Me
Place: Surgery
Show: Chemo

Cancer didn't even finish the race :)

Peace Out

Monday, April 09, 2007

How Many Corners Do I Have To Turn?

Sometimes you turn a corner and a door is open. Sometimes you turn a corner and it is closed. I have met both outcomes in my life. Every outcome has been for the best. At the time I did not know that. Seeing a door shut sometimes means the end. Sometimes you have to kick it open.
I am proud of all my corners. I am proud of my scars. In a very twisted way I am proud to have breast cancer. I am proud of the life I have lived and that I am living. I look in the mirror and I am at peace.
I am a fighter by nature. It only seems fit that I have chosen the door marked "The hard road" more than once.
Does it seem that I write the same crap every blog? Does it seem redundant? Sometimes I wonder...
I was thinking about how much I love my children last night. OMG I love them. They are getting so big. I can't stop the train from rolling. Ya know? Elliot is going to big girl school this fall and Wyatt is potty trained. Where does the time go?
The road is never straight is it?

Peace Out

Saturday, April 07, 2007

I Dream of Geneology

I have been here in Texas this week. It snowed this morning. I call home to Seattle and hear it's 75 degrees and sunny. No warm skies down here.
My paternal grandparents lived in Denver CO. My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago and just this spring my dad and his brother had to put my grandfather in an assisted living facility for dementia. They packed up his house and put it on the market to sell. This house was bought after my grandfather got out of WWII. My dad and uncle were raised in this house their wholes lives. That was the house where my memories of my grandparents live. I knew all the hiding places. I knew where to find my grandma's hats to play dress up. We all loved that house.
When packing up, my dad brought hundreds of pictures of our family, home to his house in Texas. Aunts, uncles, cousins, great grandparents, great great grandparents, outlaws, inlaws, blacksheep, you name it!
I look at these pictures trying to find recognition. Looking for someone whom I look like. An eye shape, nose shape, anything that connects me. I have 3 great aunts who have had breast cancer. Two are still living and one died of Alzheimer's. If it ain't one thing it's another.
I see pictures taken in Italy and Ireland, before they immigrated to the United States. My great grandmother Dominica Fanganello was a W.O.P. when she arrived with her family to New York. With out Papers. The term WOP held on the Italian immigrants and so the slang word stuck.
They heard you could find work in Colorado and made their way to Denver to work in fields. My Great Great Grandmother Fanganello was on the cover of life magazine. She was pictured in a field, stooped over picking vegetables. She was living the American dream at that time. Making money doing what no one else would do.
I am going to bring all these photos home with me so that someday I can pass them to my children. I am proud of my fore fathers and mothers. I hope they will be too.

Peace Out

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Leavin' On A Jetplane

Tomorrow, the girls and I are going to Texas to see my folks. We haven't been down the since last March and I need some southern love.
I was planning to go in June, but due to my lack of transportation, I thought, why not go now? So I re-arranged doing H from Thursday to Monday, and off we go. Two kids and a four hour plane ride. Can you say Benedryl?
We will be there for Easter, which should really be fun. I am not too sure the weather will be much better though. I looked at and it looks rainy. Oh well...
Happy Easter!!!

Peace Out