Gym

Did you know that Gym and I broke up this summer?
Yup, we did. He was way more upset than I was...Still is, if you need the truth.
Anyhoo, he would NOT stop calling me and bugging all summer. We agreed he could see other people, but I was going to take some time and be alone. It's me, I told him, not you.
I played the field all summer. I did what I wanted, took walks outside. I didn't really commit to anything, and for a while I really liked being so free. But then the other day I got this pang. I felt like I needed to go see Gym just to see if he was still heartbroken over our "time off."
You know what? He hardly recognized me. There where women all over him!!!!!!!!! Skinny, fit chicks! WITH BOOBS! Now I can only tell you this, but I was so jealous! Here I was looking overfed and pudgy and Gym had gone on with his life like I had never left! How dare he! So I started flirting with him and made him realize he missed me even though all those other women kept coming around.
We are getting back together but he thinks it's his idea. Silly Gym. ;)

Peace Out

Thursday 13

Thirteen reasons I love going to book club.

1 I love to read
2 We meet at a restaurant
3 I love to eat
4 I love the gals who are members
5 I love to read a book I usually wouldn't pick
6 I love a night out to myself
7 I love not having to share dessert with my kids
8 I love having a glass of wine with my dinner
9 I love catching up on gossip
10 I love to talk about books
11 I love it when book talk turns to other subjects
12 I love listening
13 I love that sometimes we go to the movies instead

Peace Out

Moaning Meme

4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.

1) CANCER
2) Cars with radios so loud I can hear it in my house with all the windows closed.
3) Smoking
4) People who lie and/or cheat in any form.

3 things that people do that make you want to shake them violently.

1. Act passive-aggressive and then act like they have no idea what you are talking about when you call them on it.
2. Chew food or gum with mouth open and smacking.
3. Correct my children when I am standing right there.

2 things you find yourself moaning about.

1. Hotflashes
2. My weight.

1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.

That my bullshit meter is very low.

THE RULES
* Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.

* Be as honest as possible so people will get to know the real you.

* Try not to insult anyone unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly.

* Post these rules at the end of every meme

100 Things About Me

In no particular order...Some things you may know, some you may not.

1. My mother gave me the middle name Gerine. I hated it my whole life and I dropped it. The government knows me as Maria Ewing. Gerine only exists on my birth certificate.

2. I hate seafood but I will eat a tuna sandwhich. You know with pickles, mayo, and stuff.

3. I didn't think I would ever have children. I have two and wish I could have four.

4. The first boy I kissed was when I was in 6th grade. His name is Greg Hammer.

5. I HATE it when people smack and pop their gum. So low rent.

6. I have had 6 jobs in my life. I am not including motherhood. That's the most time consuming...

7. I was baptized Catholic.

8. I love shoes and have too many.

9. I was a cheerleader in jr high and high school.

10. I just recently started drinking coffee.

11. I have kissed a girl, with tongue.

12. I love reality TV, 24, and Lost.

13. I love fall and rainy weather. That's why I moved to Seattle.

14. I have four tattoos. I may get another one. Who knows.

15. I have had breast cancer twice.

16. My favorite color is red.

17. I was a gymnast from age 5 until 14. I competed regularly. I went to soooo many gymnastic camps every summer of those years.

18. I had an opportunity to live in NYC when I started flying and I was too scared to do it. I regret not moving there to this day.

19. I am related to Helen Keller.

20. I do not have a relationship with my biological mother.

21. I have not been to Europe.

22. I have a very healthy self esteem.

23. I like hamburgers, I like cheese, I don't like cheese burgers.

24. I lived in a trailer park as a kid and consider myself white trash.

25. I am a democrat.

26. My mother was abused and I had a long relationship with someone who abused me.

27. I had two c-Sections.

28. I have had stick straight hair my whole life and now, after chemo I have curly hair!!!!!!!!!!! I so deserve it. Cut off your tits, get better hair. Seems fair.

29. If I were on death row and I was asked what my last meal would be, I would ask for chicken friend steak, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans cooked in bacon.

30. I think vegetarians should only get to eat vegetables. None of this fake meat, chicken and cheese stuff. If you don't want to eat meat don't try to fake yourself out. Believe me, that crap tastes like crap.

31. I would rather cook with gas.

32. I was born in Denver but moved to Texas when I was 3. I moved to Seattle in 1998.

33. My oldest daughter looks just like me and me youngest looks just like her daddy. You would not believe that I have been asked more than once if they have the same father!!!!!!!!!!

34. I believe an African American man will be president before a woman.

35. I am a really good cook.

36. I belong to a book club. How Oprah of me.

37. I hate anime.

38. My favorite movie is "The Color Purple."

39. Target is my favorite place in the world and I believe they pump happy gas through the air system to keep us coming back. Yes, yes, drink the kool-aid!

40. I prefer a Merlot to a Cab..

41. I do not have a home phone, only a cell phone.

42. I have only broken one bone on my life. That being a toe. When I was a kid I always wanted a broken arm or leg so my friends would carry my books.

43. When I was almost 9 months pregnant with my second child, someone told me my relationship with my partner will never last. I delivered two weeks later and I am still in the same relationship 2.5 years later.

44. I have worn glasses since 3rd grade.

45. I hate passive-aggressiveness.

46. I have done 2 sprint triathlons.

47. I always have my toenails painted.

48. I do not like John Wayne or Elvis.

49. I am an only child.

50. I am only half way done with this and have no idea what i will write for the next 50.

51. I believe that I have a book in me. I seriously think I will have a book published some day.

52. I have walk on the field of Texas Stadium where the Dallas Cowboys play.

53. I am geeked out by swimming under things.

54. My first car was a Chrysler Cordoba with rich Corinthian leather.

55. I love nachos from 7-11.

56. My first job was at K-mart in the shoe department.

57. One Halloween I dressed up as Holly Hobbey with the hat and everything.

58. Frida Khalo is my personal heroine. I had a cat named after her and I have been to her house in Mexico.

59. I have drank alcohol, smoked pot, snorted coke, taken acid and mushrooms.

60. I truly feel one of the greatest luxuries in life is watching TV in bed.

60. I think O.J. did it.

61. I could o.d. on ding dongs.

62. I make the best scrambled eggs on the planet.

63. I had a Yamaha 60cc motorcycle when I was a kid.

64. I breast fed two kids from one boob a total of 30 months.

65. I love McDonalds.

66. Cannon Beach OR is my favorite place on the planet.

67. I once had a jeep. I LOVED that car. It was my dream car.

68. I am Pro Choice.

69. I always wanted to be a hair dresser.

70. I don't really like to gamble.

71. I do not like to go hiking.

72. Since chemo I do not sleep well. My best sleeping time is 5:30-9:00. In the morning.

73. I didn't eat Thai food until 9 years ago.

74. I had a list of baby names since high school even though I didn't think I would ever have kids.

75. My best friend in 4th grade was named Maria.

76. I really suck at most sports.

77. I am jaded

78. I am cynical.

79. I only trust two people...One of them is me and the other is not you.

80. I have brown hair and brown eyes.

81. I am pretty short. 5'2"

82. Diet Coke is my drink of choice.

83. I am not good at remembering to take pills like vitamins.

84. The smell of vitamins makes me gag.

85. I can remember being a kid thinking I was a really good singer.

86. When I was a kid I wanted to be called Marie like Donny and Marie, instead of Maria.

87. I am Irish/Italian decent. A predisposed bitch.

88. I do not know how to ride a bike without holding on to the handle bars like the cool kids do.

89. My favorite flower is a Gerber Daisey.

90. Bacon is not my best friend, but I love it all the same.

91. I love my children more than air.

92. I think sour kraut is just that, sour kraut.

93. I have free life times stand by passes from my former airlines employer. No, they don't always go anywhere.

94. I have a dog named LaLa that my oldest child named.

95. Both of my children still sleep with me.

96. I would take a rainy day over a sunny day, everytime!

97. Taco Bueno rocks my world.

98. I can successfully navigate the subway system in NYC.

99. Coors Light is my favorite beer.

100. Someday I like vanilla, some days I like chocolate.

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Ok, I have no idea why I named this entry Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. Sounds cool though huh?

Friday night I had a girls night with "Cancer Club."
Holy Cow, we laughed our asses off. How did I get so lucky to have these gals in my life? I guess that I had to get cancer huh?
I have a couple of subjects...just ramblin'...
The girls and I went to Texas last week to see my folks. It was my dad's birthday. At 63 I took my dad to get his first tattoo.He is so proud of it. He's a Harley rider and got Live to Ride on his arm. What a biker!!!
I also got to spend the day with my friend Jacqueline and her family while I was down there. Jacq came up to Seattle to do a chemo with me and she will be here in September to do the 3day Walk with me. I have known her since I was 24 and I love her.
We're still shopping for Jesus. I am digging a church a church we have found. The girls really like church school there and A and I like the pastor and his way of delivering his service. We want to find God, not a religion. Here I go on a tangent...
Organized religion is created by man. Man sets up the doctrines. Man sets up the "rules." I cannot stand the fact that a human can walk this earth and thinks they have the right to judge anyone. It makes me COMPLETELY INSANE. COMPLETELY. Ohh I feel my blood rising right now. There are folks that go to church every week without fail, but sit there in contempt of those who don't do it the way they think we should. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. They enter the house of God, but are they really there? Living your life as a witness does not include badgering and judgment. My feelings on this bottleneck in my fingers as I want to type them out.
I went to the hospital on Friday to have vitamin H. After I finished I was about to get on the elevator. There were two women there in tears. After we all got on the elevator the older one told me that she just found out that her cancer has gone away. She said she was 82 and her cancer is gone after chemo! I thought to myself... Holy cow, I pray to be 82!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My deepest wish in this world to see my grandchildren and be 82 freakin' years old. I gave her a hug and told her how happy I was to hear that!
Elliot's first day of school is getting closer. The 3Day Walk is getting close.
Life is busy. I have genetic counseling this week and maybe some travel that I really don't look forward to. Necessary evil.
I joined a group called Shewhoblogs. This blogging world is so incredible.

Peace Out

Heartbroken

My heart is broke. My K-Dawg is hurtin'. There is nothing I can do but walk with her and support her in any way she needs me.
I'll start from the beginning...
I met K in November at my first Cancer Club meeting. She was soft spoken and quiet and pregnant. We both go to the same health care provider so we knew we had a little bond.
Chemo does not create an organized mind, so it took months before we really connected.
She had her miracle Eleanor and we were starting to see each other more. Sometimes at Club, sometimes on a walk. One night having drinks after CClub.
That's when I realized what a sly devil this chick is. Don't let the quiet manner of the person fool you. She'll throw down a joke or f-bomb, and you won't know what hit you until you wipe your eyes from laughing and your side hurts.
I will not go in to much detail, but I will say that her walk with cancer is going to take a bit longer than she ever wanted NOT to imagine.
There is a plethora of feelings running many of us. Confusion, grief, ANGER. That's right anonymous...hard biting ANGER. We are pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are pissed that anyone of us must go through this in any form.
When we started with this breast cancer journey, none of us knew each other. (When I say we or us I mean Cancer Club)
There's a few of us that are on the same time line as far as diagnoses, surgery, and chemo. It felt like, ok, we're doing good, starting to look and feel "normal." We each have our own story and now we have each other. We can relate. We are not alone. Our family and friends have been there for us, but in reality, it's our bodies that are fighting, not theirs. I am not in any way down playing the support of anyone, just pointing out that in Cancer Club, we have walked in each others shoes.
My point is this...
K-Dawg, your lung is my lung. Your sadness is mine. Your dream to see your grandchildren is mine. I know your have your loved ones there for you, but also know that you have me and Anna. We will do drugs with you, we will hold your hand in treatment. Will will laugh and cry with you. If you need something ask. We will walk beside you and carry you when you feel you can no longer walk.

Peace Out

K-Dawg

You stunningly beautiful broad!
Look at you with your miracle! You carried that child through one of the hardest times of your life. Through surgery, through chemo. She was your reason for hope.
I have my arms wrapped around you tomorrow.
Everything. Will. Be. Fine.
You are one of the coolest people I know. You, with your wry humor and sly smile. So soft spoken and then WHAM! a gut wretchedly funny one liner. You talk like a sailor and I love you for it. You shoot straight from the hip and I like that.
You have a friend for life in me. For a very very very long healthy happy life.
I love you my sista.
As long as one person in this world has cancer, we all do. I am so proud to stand by you!!!!!!

Much love~Maria

The Eyes of Tammy Faye

Did anyone catch Tammy Faye on Larry King Live last night?
I was never a big fan myself, but I saw her on there struggling to take a breath. I wanted to reach out and hold her. She's dying from cancer. I don't really know what kind. It doesn't really matter does it? She's dying. She weighs 65 pounds. It made my stomach hurt to watch her.
This week someone from Cancer Club died. Her husband and children and her parents were at her side. This week her children had to go to bed without their mommy. Devastating. Her parents had to watch her die as did her husband. What do you do with that? How does one contend with that? It is completely unfair. Those children have no mother. A husband lost his mate. A parent lost their child.
So stinkin' sad.





Peace Out

True Colors

I have changed my blog colors.
I changed them for a couple of reasons. One being that I am moving on. I am uninviting cancer to hang out with me.
There are an array of colors there now. Kinda hip don't ya think?
So let's address Anonymous for a sec...
You really pissed me off. You also pissed of some of my Cancer Club gals. They, like me, wonder how you could possibly assume to know anything about how we feel in order to even make a comment. You DON'T want the Pink Possee after you I promise.
Anyhoo,
I am babysitting Baby LoLo today. She's such a sweet thing.
It's a rainy summer day here in Seattle. Anthony has been on another business trip this week and gets back tonight.

Peace Out

Dear Anonymous (this is going to get ugly)

If you are going to leave comments on my blog, then leave your name.
How cowardly to leave a comment on how angry I am. Do you even get it? Do you see the joke? Do you see that it feels good to hate others doing my laundry rather than moping around about cancer?
I have a really good idea who you are. Not to point fingers or anything. Our relationship or lack there of is no secret.
Don't give me your bullshit wisdom :

"Why is life so hard for you express so much pain and stress over laundry. Anger damages and creates unhealthy immunities. Let the dirty laundry go. Life is more than laundry."

UGGGGGGGGGGGGG
You know you are so right. I should really change...
Did you proof read what you wrote? I think you left some words out. That is a tell tale sign of who you are.
I cannot stand people like you.
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's how I really feel. How's that for anger?
Fuck you and fuck cancer. Fuck having my body chopped up. Fuck seeing friends die. Fuck the fact there is no cure. Fuck people doing my laundry. Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck people who leave anonymous comments as if it will change me. Fuck people who LIE. Fuck people who have no fucking idea what my life is like. Fuck people who cannot take a joke.
This is my blog. If you do not want to have some balls and sign your name to your condescending comments then stop reading it. IT'S NOT FOR YOU OR ABOUT YOU.
You don't know me. You have no idea what or who I am. Don't give me your sanctimonious shit about anger. I have no respect for you or how you conduct yourself. At least my emotions are real and out there. No one would ever call me passive-aggressive.
I am more than you will ever see. You will never have the honor or privilege to truly know me.
Fuck you.

Have a nice day :)

Dirty Laundry

I came to the realization today that I do not like anyone doing my laundry. In fact I hate it. I find it curiously gross that one would want to touch my (or my family's) dirty clothes.
I do my laundry the way I like to do it. I know what I want dried and how. Use a certain combo of things that makes my clothes turn out the way I want them. Soft, and as my daughter says, smelling like heaven.
I can hear it now, "Maria needs to control things" OOOhhhhh you bet your ass I do, and so do you. DON'T YOU?
Please, please, let's not get testy. Let's just be real. We all have things we like to have a say so over, and mine is laundry, or at least one of mine.
I think there is something much deeper to someone going into your laundry bag and sorting your clothes. I am not paranoid, I really do. Going through pockets and seeing what kind of underwear they wear is voyeuristic if you ask me.
I also try and use the worlds water and electricity resources in a polite way. I do not wash 3 or 4 things. I have enough folks in my house to make full loads. Yes, you can make your water level lower, but you use full dryer energy weather it's a full or light load.
I would have to say going into my room uninvited creeps me out a bit too. I keep my laundry basket in my closet so you really have to go deep into my space. I have a hot flash just thinking about it! Seeking out dirty stuff ewwwwwwwww! Does one have no personal place?
Believe me when I say, I will not being doing your dirty laundry either.

Peace Out

My Rock Star

Happy birthday baby!
Elliot is 5 years old! I cannot believe it.
Elliot is a lover of music, dance and animals. She is the best big sister anyone could wish for.
If you have known me for very long, dear reader, you would know that I am the last person you would think, that would ever have children. Now I wish I could have two more. Unfortunately, time is not on my side, not to mention cancer.
I love my children more than air. They are my reason for breathing. They are my legacy.
I am honored to be Elliot's mommy.
I love you so much baby. You're a rock star!

I love you,
Mommy

Lil Miss Firecracker

Here she is. Miss Lauren Paige Rataezyk.
Born on the 4th of July. She's a Yankee Doodle Dandie!!!!!
She's as sweet as a cupcake.
Of course I cried like a baby seeing her for the first time.
After the year that I have had, seeing her in this world gives me hope. She epitomizes everything good. As all babies do.
I have been running away from cancer. I have been running from nightmares. Then I see this sweet thing, just minutes old and I stopped in my tracks. I am running towards hope.
Deena and Josh were kind enough to share this miracle with me. She's our new kid on the block.
Mom and Dad are doing good. Cooper is a VERY proud and helpful big brother. Olivia beams with pride. They are complete.

Peace Out

The Space In Between

I went to "cancer club" last night. I love the gals there. We even went and had a drink afterwards. my goodness it was fun. My tummy hurts from all the laughing.
Someone was there at group last night that I had never met. She's been struggling with breast cancer since her senior year in college back in 1997. She did not look healthy. She did not look well. She's very very sick. She has been doing some form of chemo for the last 10 years. She will be on chemo for the rest of her life...however long that is.
We all spoke of living in the space between. Cancer patients don't like the gray areas. We can deal with black and white. Good and bad. But not, maybe and sometimes. Cancer can feel like the space between.
What is cancer anyways? Does it have gender? I think of cancer as male. I do not wish to share a drink or a meal with cancer. Cancer doesn't have my well being in mind.
Here's the good part, if cancer kills me, it kills itself. I am merely a host to the asshole who has taken up residence in my body. It's gone when I'm gone and that's one less muther fucking cancer in the world. Unless of course...



I kill him first.

Peace Out

Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,
I wish I could be with you on this special day. I wish I was with you at every Father's Day.
I love you so much. I hope you truly know that.
There are times when I have felt like you and I have grown up together. We are so much alike.
I will never forget when I was going to my first gymnastics meet. I was about 6 and the night before I was very excited and nervous. You told me that all I could was my best and that was the best I could do. The next day I had my meet. As usual you had to work, but I remember coming home with ribbons. Now, I have no idea the color of them, but I knew I went out there and did my best. I have carried that with me my whole life.
You have given me my warped sense of humor and my courage. You have told me that I was the only person in this world who would never let me down. Sometimes you were right, but thank goodness sometimes you were wrong.
All I have ever really wanted from you is your love, and I know that you have given that to me. I feel in return, I have given you Elliot and Wyatt, to show you what your love has taught me. Having them shows me a depth of love only a parent can have. I know how much hell I have raised and how much I have worried you now. I know even as an adult, you will always be there for me no matter what.
Seeing you sad or worried about me being sick breaks my heart. I want to take all that worry from you and tell you that I will be fine. I want to protect you from seeing your only child in pain. I love you so much.
I wish we were together today. Thank you everything you done for me.

I love you with all my heart
oxoxoxox
Mar

Not Just Another Pretty Race

This Saturday is the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. Not to be confused with the 3day walk, this race is a 5k.
This race is more than your average Saturday 5k that one signs up for because they will get a run in for the day. For me and millions of other women, hopefully never you, dear reader, this race is a testimony to those of us that walk, for those who can't.
This race isn't about time and winning. It's about a cure. It's about raising money and awareness. Money that will be used for mammograms and early detection. Money that will be used for vaccines and complete irradication of this disease.
I do not begrudge those who come out to race for a prize. Just know that this race means something to a lot of folks. Breast cancer consumes your whole life and your family and friends. We who have been through it, think about it all the time everyday. All. The. Time.
So see? It's not just another pretty race. For me it is charged with emotion. I will feel honored to stand among my peers and know we share something. Some of us are healthy, some very sick. Some of us will hold our grandchildren, some of us won't.
This race is special to me.

Peace Out

Vitamin H

Today I had my monthly injection of H. Glad to have it in me. It was a relaxing experience today. No one pulling and tugging on me for entertainment. No one yelling MOMMMMMMMY!
Just some sweet nurses with light chatter. Got to read a magazine and snooze a bit. Funny how I enjoy treatment these days.
Gearing up for the week end. We are having Uncle Steve and Aunt Marci up from Oregon. The 3day walk is have an expo and I plan to drop by there.
My new car absolutely rocks. I'm telling you, I should not love a car that much.
I have loved not having to go by a schedule this week. No school, no nuttin'! Just letting the day bring whatever it may. I love summer. Now if it would only warm up...

Peace Out

Not Flesh Of My Flesh

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But miraculously my own.
Never forget, even for a minute
You weren't born under my heart,
But in it.

Friday Night Races

We went to the horse races again last night. The girls love seeing the horses. Of course they get french fries and sprite and that may be better than anything.
We have no big plans for the weekend. Working in the yard I suppose.
We are going to start church shopping. Tomorrow we will go to the first sale. See who has salvation at the right price. :)
Of course I kid, but really, it's about finding the right fit for our family. A and I were raised differently as far as religion goes and many other thangs too.
We feel the need to find a middle ground. We are not living my childhood, and we are also not living his. We are living the life we build together. A life that supports all four of us.
It's all a process you know. A journey.
I have the feeling that God doesn't care when, how, or where, you worship. I think folks here on earth are the ones that feel the need to control that. People are judgmental. You are, I am. We all are. We put our convictions on to others and that is wrong. Live your life as a witness and others will follow. Shove your beliefs down their throats and the will turn from you. Really simple.
Anthony went to a private Christian school, while I did not. Elliot will be attending a public school in the fall. This will be to the dismay of some folks. The only private religious school she would attend, would be a non-denominational school. It may be something we look at in the future, but not right now.
With all that being said, we will start our journey to find a church that we, A and I, BOTH want to go. It's a joint decision. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
Inshallah.

Peace Out

Baby You Can Drive My Car

I have a new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We love it! It's a Mazda5. Kinda a cross between a mini van and a sedan. Very sporty we think. It seats six yet we can put down the back seats and it's like a wagon. LOVE IT!!
Should we love a material possession this much? Probably not but we do!
Isn't your car like a second home? Especially if you have kids. We are in our car a lot.
We feel like the girls are safe and we have the room we need. I sound like a commercial.
BTW, No...You cannot really drive my car, but I will come pick you up. :)

Peace Out

Summer Lovin'

Tomorrow is Elliot's last day of pre-school!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cannot be more excited to have any plans for three months. I have kept up the pace all through this winter with school, soccer, and chemo. I am now ready to fully recoup and get back to living the life I was meant to live. A healthy life.
Our time in Mexico was really great. The girls had a great time. It was a great reward after our long hard winter. It was truly special.
The car hunt is on and I will have news on that soon. :)
We have a new baby in the family. Welcome Braydon!
I had H last week and that is going on track. Though I will say it made me really tired this time. I would probably say my tiredness could be more due to getting back from vacation. We'll see how I feel next time.
Next week my neighbor Deena and I are taking our 4.5 kids (she's prego) and going to the beach for two days. I am so excited to just chill.
We put up our HUGE slide yesterday and the kids played for hours. Summer will be sweet.
Come on over and bring some towels and snacks. We'll be in the water.

Peace Out

The Human Napkin

Happy Mother's Day!
This day gives me pause to think about what it means to me and how I want to spend my day.
I read one time, 60% of moms would like time alone for Mother's Day. Pretty ironic huh? The day to celebrate giving birth, most mother's want to spend the day without their children. We are tired and worn down with constant requests. Could anyone ever of told us how hard this would be? Could they have told us this would be the HARDEST job we'll ever have?
Yet with all that being said, I cannot think of spending this day without my girls. They do not yet know the commercial side of this day. Nor do they really know that today of ALL DAYS, is NOT the day to be naughty.
My perfect Mother's Day? Being with my family, but without the responsibility. To enjoy the laughter and family time, just not the work. For one day I don't want to be the primary care giver. I don't want to worry about feedings or arguments. I don't want to bathe and dress everyone. I want to sit and watch the work be done while I actually get to enjoy the day, rather than directing traffic.
I want to be the fun parent. I want to be the one that lets things slide. I want to be the one that is all about candy and wearing whatever you want and not brushing teeth.
I love my girls more than air. I see the future in their eyes. I see hope and love and joy when I look at them. They are funny and with out filters. They have no prejudices. They are loving and kind.
Being their mommy is my honor and privilege.


But...
For one day I would like to not be The Human Napkin.

Peace Out

Hola!!!!!!!!!!

We are here in Mexico having a great time. I found a computer today here at the hotel and decided to blog a bit.
After a long, hard, cold, winter here I am in sunny Mexico. I kid you not when I say, I did not think I would make it here last October. I felt so weak and sick that it seemed impossible to make it to this point. We are having a great time. the girls love the beach and pool. The food is so stinkin' good.
It will feel good to come home rested and launch into late Spring and early Summer. My awesome neighbor and I have bought the biggest slide/pool we could find and plan to sit on our cans and watch kids play in the sunshine.
There is also a new car in my very near future. Another thing to be excited about!

Life is good.

Adios!

The Flip Side

Many a time on this blog I have mentioned that I will see you on the flip side. Today while I was at the hospital having my wonder drug pump into my body, I thought to myself....hey, this is the flip side!
This is where I dreamed to be last September. Here I am.
What's the flip side like? Well, hair is involved. EVERYWHERE. Working out, trying to eat healthy. Still getting treatment but feeling strong. Hope. Looking at my children with amazement. No more poison running through my body. Some new friendships. Travel. Getting ready for summer. My body looks like a war zone. Always will now.
Somethings have changed and some things have stayed the same. I can't really say that after going through all this I have found new meaning in religion or I have turned a new leaf from being cynical and jaded. Oh contraire mon frare. I am still that woman. I will say though, that some things I used to think were so important are not so much anymore and vice versa. I have no time for foolishness. I mean what I say and say what I mean. Cancer has given me the luxury of no longer dancing around issues so that everyone feels good. If something doesn't feel right I will speak up even if it is not popular. No more elephants in the middle of the room.
Here's the deal:
If cancer hasn't changed me to be who you want me to be, then you sure as hell won't.
I have a path. I am on it. The flip side is good.

Peace Out


If I tell you what you want to hear will it help you to sleep well at night
Are you sure that Im your perfect dear now just cuddle up and sleep tight
Im hungry
Im dirty
Im losing my mind
Everythings fine
Im freezing
Im starving
Im bleeding to death
Everythings fine

I miss you
I love you.
-Tracey Bonham

Win Place Show

We welcome Spring!!!!
We've had some nice days lately. It's nice to have some sunshine.
Last Friday night we went to opening day at the horse races. It was packed and really fun. The girls loved seeing the horses and watching them run by. I had never been before. Have you?
We then went to have BBQ and there they had some piano playing. The girls we dancin' in their seats and had a grand time.
We are bound for Mexico in two weeks. We all need to unwind and relax after this last year. We will be joining Steve, Marci, Travis, and Rika, in a 3 bedroom suite. I am ready to see the beach and ocean. I am ready to have the sun shine on my face and see some beautiful sunsets!
Hair Report: I now look like I have a very butchy short hair cut. Not one I would choose normally, but I will take what I can get. I also have brows and lashes now!! Yay!
I have never sat the girls down and explain that I have had BREAST CANCER. They ask very few questions and roll with the punches. Well, last night we were watching a show about Lance Armstrong. Elliot looked at me and said, "Mommy, they just said he has cancer." I said yes, they did, and then she says, "Just like you." I looked at Anthony and he at me, and at that moment I could not breath. She totally gets it. I have never shied away from any questions that she has asked me, but she rarely asks much. To her, it is what it is. She said it so matter of factly. Like, it's normal. Ok then, so it is. She's a rock star.
Tomorrow I go in for treatment. I plan to take a little nap and enjoy some quiet time to myself. Funny, how going to the hospital is now down time for me. That is so messed up :)


Win: Me
Place: Surgery
Show: Chemo

Cancer didn't even finish the race :)

Peace Out

How Many Corners Do I Have To Turn?

Sometimes you turn a corner and a door is open. Sometimes you turn a corner and it is closed. I have met both outcomes in my life. Every outcome has been for the best. At the time I did not know that. Seeing a door shut sometimes means the end. Sometimes you have to kick it open.
I am proud of all my corners. I am proud of my scars. In a very twisted way I am proud to have breast cancer. I am proud of the life I have lived and that I am living. I look in the mirror and I am at peace.
I am a fighter by nature. It only seems fit that I have chosen the door marked "The hard road" more than once.
Does it seem that I write the same crap every blog? Does it seem redundant? Sometimes I wonder...
I was thinking about how much I love my children last night. OMG I love them. They are getting so big. I can't stop the train from rolling. Ya know? Elliot is going to big girl school this fall and Wyatt is potty trained. Where does the time go?
The road is never straight is it?

Peace Out

I Dream of Geneology

I have been here in Texas this week. It snowed this morning. I call home to Seattle and hear it's 75 degrees and sunny. No warm skies down here.
My paternal grandparents lived in Denver CO. My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago and just this spring my dad and his brother had to put my grandfather in an assisted living facility for dementia. They packed up his house and put it on the market to sell. This house was bought after my grandfather got out of WWII. My dad and uncle were raised in this house their wholes lives. That was the house where my memories of my grandparents live. I knew all the hiding places. I knew where to find my grandma's hats to play dress up. We all loved that house.
When packing up, my dad brought hundreds of pictures of our family, home to his house in Texas. Aunts, uncles, cousins, great grandparents, great great grandparents, outlaws, inlaws, blacksheep, you name it!
I look at these pictures trying to find recognition. Looking for someone whom I look like. An eye shape, nose shape, anything that connects me. I have 3 great aunts who have had breast cancer. Two are still living and one died of Alzheimer's. If it ain't one thing it's another.
I see pictures taken in Italy and Ireland, before they immigrated to the United States. My great grandmother Dominica Fanganello was a W.O.P. when she arrived with her family to New York. With out Papers. The term WOP held on the Italian immigrants and so the slang word stuck.
They heard you could find work in Colorado and made their way to Denver to work in fields. My Great Great Grandmother Fanganello was on the cover of life magazine. She was pictured in a field, stooped over picking vegetables. She was living the American dream at that time. Making money doing what no one else would do.
I am going to bring all these photos home with me so that someday I can pass them to my children. I am proud of my fore fathers and mothers. I hope they will be too.

Peace Out

Leavin' On A Jetplane

Tomorrow, the girls and I are going to Texas to see my folks. We haven't been down the since last March and I need some southern love.
I was planning to go in June, but due to my lack of transportation, I thought, why not go now? So I re-arranged doing H from Thursday to Monday, and off we go. Two kids and a four hour plane ride. Can you say Benedryl?
We will be there for Easter, which should really be fun. I am not too sure the weather will be much better though. I looked at weather.com and it looks rainy. Oh well...
Happy Easter!!!

Peace Out

Hey Dude, Where's My Car?

KA-BOOM
I had a wreck yesterday. My car.....
It's a done deal.
I could tell you that it is all for the best and really, it is. We need a car with a bit more space, but this was not how I wanted to go about it. Issaquah is not made for one car families. Believe me I know because when Elliot was a baby and we moved out here we only had one car. It sucked. Big time. Now that I have two kids I don't look forward to being down to one vehicle.
No one was hurt, just shook up a bit. We now embark on the journey of finding a new car. This will more than likely take FOREVER. I have been with A long enough to know that this process is never easy for him and in turn it will not be easy on me.

Peace Out

Things I Love

Besides the obvious-Family, Children, Partner...
Just a list of things I love, in no particular order.

Target
Playland at Fred Meyer
Chicken Fried Steak
Diet Coke
My GE Profile Stainless Steele refrigerator
Fall
Rain
My Tiffiany's bracelet with Elliot's name inscribed on it
Jeep's (I used to own one)
The color red
People magazine
My hair (when it have it)
Painted toenails
Mexican food
Costco
Costco hotdogs
Shoes
Chai Tea
My deck
Frida Khalo
My surgeon Dr Bock
Smelling clean laundry
My king size bed
Reality TV
Survivor
Rachael Ray Magazine (not the show!)
Thai food

More to come...

For The Record...

I will live a long healthy happy life.

Peace Out

My Latest Obsession

I have a new past time...
Growing my hair. I am OBSESSED. Sometimes I check it hourly. Somedays I have to force myself not to look so that I can see some growth. My eyelashes and eyebrows are coming in nicely. My brows look like a caterpillar because I refuse to pluck one beautiful hair. I have never dyed my hair. I have been able to keep up with the gray hairs by pulling them out. I know, I know, you should never pull out a gray hair because four more will come back. NOT TRUE.
Anyhoo, I now vow I will never ever never pull a hair out of my head again. They are just too precious! After being bald I cannot waste a single strand.
I am even putting mascara on my lash nubs. If I grew chest hair at this point I would leave it. Maybe I will be warmer now that my body hair is growing back.
I even bought razors the other day with plans to shave my legs soon. For those of you who think shaving is a drag, I cannot explain to you how much I look forward to something as mundane as shaving!!!!! It's all relative isn't it?
So that's my life today. Exciting as watching hair grow. :)

Peace Out

Living Life By The Drip

I went to have H last Thursday.
drip. drip. drip.
I watch my life in drips. The nurses make sure I get every last drop. Even when the machine starts beeping they come and reset it so that I get every morsel from the I.V. bag.
drip.drip.drip.
Counting life by the drip.
I have had a cold again. Not as bad as a couple of weeks ago. Maybe my immune system is getting stronger and had the power to fight this one a little better.
I went to my support group last night. What a bunch of courageous women I sat among. At times not feeling worthy of their company. We all have a different story. We all have aches and pains. We all have fear and hope. We are the same yet different. We are different yet the same.
We are all counting the drips until we feel healthy and safe again.

Peace Out

Inshallah

If God wills.
What a simple word. Did you know that there is no word in the English language that covers this?
Inshallah.
It's hard to let go and let God's will be what it is.
I am pro choice. I mean that across the board. We all have choices we make in faith, morales, lifestyles, whatever. Who am I to tell you otherwise? Who are you to tell me? We do not live in glass houses. We are mere mortals that have no right to put our THANG onto others.
I don't care if you pray to a tree. I don't care if you pray to Allah, or God, or Buddha. You have that choice in my world.
Inshallah. I am chewing on that word. I am thinking about the future. I am thinking about the peace that word brings to me. Maybe it will bring you some too...

Peace Out

Not Ready To Make Nice

I will not forgive and forget. I will not forgive cancer for what it has done to me and my family. It is inexcusable to put ANYONE through what we have been through. The fear, the sorrow, the pain, the grief.
I am not friends with cancer. I am not at peace with the fact that I have had cancer. It's not O.K.. My body looks like a war zone on the outside. Who knows what it's like on the inside. I have been drugged, poisoned, cut open, stripped, humiliated.
Am I bitter? Hell yes. I pray you never have to walk in my shoes to let me know if you'd be bitter too.
I hate you cancer.
You're ugly.
Good for nothin'.
I wish I never heard your name.
So go on.
Get out of here.
Do not darken my doorstep again.
I'm through with you and your kind.




I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
-Dixie Chicks

My Lady Lumps

I don't know how much I have written about my boobies. I will dedicate this entry to them.

My cans
My boobs
My boobies
My tits
My sacks
My hooters
My lumps
My ta-tas
My jugs

In my hayday they were quite cute and perky. Of course I was too stupid to know that. Time marched on...
One boob had surgery
One boob nursed two children for 30 months total.
They were not lookin' so great, but I'll tell you that if they were healthy, I sure would love to have them back.
That's another story...
Having them both cut off means not dealing with a breast cancer again. It means never wearing a jog bra again. It means never seeing them sag more and more each year.
But it also means my girls never get to cuddle up to the warm mushiness of them again. That's really the part that gets me, because they loved them. To them, they were comfort and a soft place to land. Not what society has made them to be. I feel women are judged to a certain degree on their value as a symbol of sex on their breast size. Men, of course, can hide that small penis thing until the light get low.
So now I have my little cutlets and my new bras. My tits look GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean these things are my boobs of when I was 25! They will never sag. How cool is that?
It's nice to look down and see them. Two old friends.
My friend Kristina will be having some reconstruction surgery tomorrow. Put her on your prayer wheel would ya?

Peace Out



All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go!
-Fergie

Sometimes You Have to Know When to Say When

There are things in this life that sometimes just don't work. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing that. On paper these things should work out but in real life they just don't. I would think that after the time I have been on earth, I would just say-oh, that's not gonna pan out.
If after this chemo, I plan on being so honest and straight forward, then I better get there with myself too. I need to do some emotional house cleaning. I need to stop trying to make relationships work that just don't.I can't make someone happy or want to be my friend if in turn they don't want it too.
No hard feelings though. I really mean that. I am only 4 weeks out from my last"chemo. " I have yet to feel really great, which has given me a little time to think how I would like my life and relationships to be going forward.
I also have to look at myself and know these last five months, I have not been the most giving of friends. I haven't had it in me. I think this has all ruined my street cred.
So in saying all that, it's time for me to let go of some things. It's time to say when. It's getting too hard to try and keep connecting. I have to let it all go or I will go insane wondering what I did and when I did it.

Peace Out

Breast Cancer 3Day Walk

Most of you that read this blog have been emailed by now that I am fund raising for the Breast Cancer 3Day walk. I will walk 60 miles in 3 days on a team of INCREDIBLE women. Some of them survivors and some of them supporters. I am inspired and excited!!!!!
I have to give a great amount of credit to Kristina Surface. I cam across her blog months ago while in chemo treatment and then again last week. This year will be her second year to do the walk. I have latched on to her team. I don't believe in accidents anymore. I believe that she was put in my path for a purpose. She is a motivator and articulate speaker. If you are around her or any of her friends you would know you are in the presence of good, kind folks.
I went to her house this last week for a little get together of women interested in the walk. I AM ONBOARD!!!!!!
I have raised $650 due to some awesome donations. I personally do not see a dime of this money...BUT I do see it by proxy. I see it through there being a cure in my lifetime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have said this on my email and on my webpage:
I will do this walk for those who come before, with, and after me.
I will do this walk for my daughters whom I love more than air.
I will do this walk to see my grandchildren and hold them in my arms.
I will do this walk so that I will never get a call from a loved one telling me they have breast cancer.
I will do this walk so that my partner and I will see each other grow old.
I will do this walk for all of us.
I will do this walk because cancer freakin' sucks.
This walk means a lot to me this year. I say this year because I know I will do it EVERY year as long as I am breathing.
Please check out my webpage:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/mariaewing

Peace Out

Tales From The Edge

I feel random.
I have a had a nasty cold for seven days. My last chemo was two weeks ago and I am sure my immune system was low when I caught the little devil and it's taken me a while to recover. It has not been fun. I had it in my head that as soon as chemo was done I was getting on the fast rack to getting in shape again and I have done nothing to attain that goal. Edna was here, we did a lot of work on the house and I got sick the day after she left. I have not been the picture of health and that makes me surly.
I am ready for spring and to be warm again.
I have whiskers on my head and all parts of my body.
I am ready to go back to the gym.
I am thinking about doing the 3-day walk for breast cancer. I am not worried about the walk. I am worried about raising $2,200. I am not a fund raiser. I'll let you know if I decide to do it.
Elliot has this next week off from school.
I am potty training Wyatt this week.
Have you heard about The Secret?
I got my new new boobies and they are high water C's.
We got new lights for the entry and dining room.
Random I say. Just random stuff.
This Thursday I go in for my monthly dose of H. Should be short and sweet.

Peace Out

Fake It Till You Make It

I am going to buy some boobies this week. Some cutlets. Some fillets.
Before I do, I have to remark on something that I have noticed...
Nothing feels as good as the real thing. Whether it be eye lashes, hair, fingernails, whatever, the real thing always wins in my book. Because of this fact, I feel cautiously optimistic about buying new boobies.
I thought and wrote, before I had chemo, that I would be a drag queen during this time of hairlessness. But you know what? I don't really like wearing all this grab. These get ups (that's for you Buckethead!) I will say I can see the time saved without shaving and doing my hair. The fake lashes and wig come at a price and that price is comfort. I have taken to walking around hatless these days. I have too many hot flashes to keep my hat on. So I endure the sideway looks. Today a little girl told her mommy that I didn't have any hair. Yes, it was the innocence of a child. No, it didn't bother me. I just waved and kept on my way.
So I hope I like my new lady lumps.
Edna has been in town all week helping me and Anthony do some projects around the house. We could not have gotten all these things done without her. Tons of painting and organizing. Our house has a little face lift. Funny what a little paint and some new towels can do!
Here's a shout out to Jacqueline- Happy bday. You rock.
I will fill ya'll in on my filling out.

Peace Out

So Long, Farwell, Auf weidersehn

Done.
Over.
Fin.
Adios.
Finis.
Goodbye.
Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
I am done with chemo. Since the day I started, I have waited for February 1, 2007, and it finally arrived. Although I will do H for a year, potentially 2 years, it ain't chemo. Hair can grow back, energy can come back. Life can become a new kind of normal. Whatever that is.
I had some visitors come to this final day. Jason, Desiree, Patty, Edna, Milica, and Anthony, all saw me through this. I held the last I.V. bag of T and said goodbye. The nurses came and sang to me. Desiree made me a hat that said- No More Chemo Princess- and some bells to ring my way out. Thank you D.
This journey has been long and hard. I don't wish it on anyone.
Thank you to all who have sent me good thoughts and good vibes and prayers. Thank you to all who have helped me with my girls and food and my house. Thank you too all who have listened to my laundry list of complaints.
Thank God it's over.

Peace Out.

Without The Bitter There Ain't No Sweet

Just a couple of more days and I will have my last chemo. Funnily enough, this doesn't evoke much excitement in anyone but me. Really why should it? There are those have been on this journey with me, but no one could actually take the chemo for me. So as I approach this day that I have been waiting for, for months, it goes out with a fizzle rather than the bang I imagined. To be honest, I am quite tired of me and my story. I could never think that others aren't too. It's not like I will walk out of the hospital on Thursday and have a full head of hair and feel completely restored. I haven't been at a spa for 4 months.
Thursday morning will arrive and I will do my chemo routine and then come home. I will also be starting the next phase of treatment that I will do every three weeks for a year. The main side effect of H is heart damage. Next Monday I will have a heart scan to get a base line of how my heart functions now. Then every three months I will get a scan to make sure H is not taking too much a toll on the ol' ticker. If so, we will back off a couple of months and then go from there. I guess this ain't over by a long shot. It's not chemo though and that's sweet.
So if you are my friend, in for a penny, in for a pound. It really is a lot huh? You can exit now, now questions asked. Cancer/Chemo/Illness/Surgery. They all test the strongest of relationships. People come and go, but the patient is still the patient. Illness is not a fair weather friend. It likes to hang out for a LOOOONNNNNG TIME. Illness never is late for an appointment. Illness stays with you through thick and thin. Illness is with you through all your treatments. Illness is with you in the middle of the night when you can't sleep. Illness doesn't care if your tired and don't want to talk. Illness is always there to talk about....Illness.
I look back at these last months as a blur. Sometime in disbelief. Sometimes I pass a mirror and don't recognize myself. There have been days that I was as low as I have every felt. There have been days when I almost feel as good as I ever have. I have never known what to expect from day to day. It is very much my nature to not ask for help. I have tried to keep my asking to a minimum, always scared that at some point I would need a lot, and then I would be asking a lot. I have seen the sadness in my partner's eyes. He, not knowing what to do at times to comfort me. I have seen him worried. I have seen my children come through this while their innocence in tact. Never worse for the wear. Just ready for mommy to be able to play more. I have had two friends that always make sure a I a chemo day treat.
I have lived a lot in these past months while trying to do things to keep me alive. I can see it in my face. I have aged. I am not talking vanity here. I am talking aging from worry and fear and feeling sick. Not good for the skin.
Without the bitter of this experience, there would be no sweet in the days to come.

Peace Out

Sometimes Your Hat Is An Airconditioner

I use my hat as an air conditioner. I get cold I put it on. I get hot I take it off. Isn't that convenient? If life could always be that simple.
Thursday was A's bday and we went to the mountains to go sledding. We had a blast. Elliot and Wyatt did great. Elliot is really finding her confidence in such risky tasks these days. Wyatt has seemed more of a daredevil from the get go.
Of course all that activity hit me hard by Friday. I was exhausted. That's the way the ball bounces.
Today Elliot and I had a big girl date. We went to Target and out to lunch, then to the park. Now she and her daddy are outside rebuilding the fence that the wind storm knocked down.
My last chemo gets closer and closer. I am ready. On Wednesday, Edna, my step mother, will be here for 10 days. I am very excited about this. I am going to put her to work :) We are going to do some painting.
BTW, if you want to come by the hospital on Thursday for the last poisoning, please do. I should start getting juiced around 11. I told all the nurses I was having a parade through the halls.
My friend Angie had her second little boy on Monday. Happy Birthday Dylan!!
That's all I have to say today. Nothing has particularly pissed me off lately so no need to go into any rants...for now.

Peace Out

I Haven't Come This Far To Be A Victim

The last couple of weeks I have started to work out again. It's like an old familiar friend. I missed my friend....I'll call him Gym.
I think Gym missed me too.
I saw Naomi who was training me last summer. She's a Goddess. If you live near me and want a good trainer, email her at: fitness180nb@yahoo.com. She's a blast to work with.
I had been going in and riding the recumbent bike and reading magazines while doing so. Nothing too strenuous. But today I got up at 6:00 like I used to do and got on the treadmill and I RAN. I RAN!!!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I walked too, but I had it in me to run, and so I did. One's body does not forget the hard work you put into it. It felt amazing. I have never run without boobs and that was pretty nice too. No jiggling, but more than that, no sports bra to stop the jiggling. I felt like a warrior. There I was, hat whipped off, running like Mercury. I must of been a sight to see.
While on the treadmill I was listening to my IPod that A gave me this summer for reaching my weight loss goal. I heard a song that said the phrase, I haven't come this far to be some man's woman. Now, I am some man's woman and I am secure in who I am with that, and that whole subject would be another blog...
I digress
The words made me think about how far I have come since surgery. Also that I am not here to be a victim in all this. I pray pray pray to dance at both of my daughter's weddings. BTW that's a turn of a phrase, they don't HAVE to get married.
Maybe I am high. Maybe this bravado is all for noght. It's a slippery slope feeling good right now. Half of me wants to roll in it like a pig in mud, the other half thinks, is this for real? I'll take what I can get. I will let these new found feelings of energy sweep over me. It scares me, but I will take it.
Maybe I am on a high because chemo is almost over. Then I had I thought today that maybe I have become manic and I will crash soon, becoming depressed. These are the nutty things I think. It's so hard to grasp feeling good after months of feeling so bad. It also helps that we have had some sun lately. That'll make anyone feel good.
Today I took the girls to soccer. I also took Cooper my little neighbor. The kids were great and had fun. Elliot is getting better and better. She can move that little booty of hers! It also helps that she has new shoes that she says make her run really fast!
I got a really cute hat in the mail yesterday from my friend Heidi that I used to work with. Props to you Heidi. Thank you!

Peace Out

Get up, get out
And do somethin'
Don't let the days of your life pass you by
You got to
Get up, get out
And do somethin'
How will you make it if you never even try
You got to get up, get out
And do somethin'
'Cause you and I have to do
For you and I
-Macy Gray

You Don't Have to Live Like a Refugee

I had chemo today. It was my next to last.
While I have this cocktail running through my body tonight, to save my life, my dear friend P lost her sister-n-law to a long battle with cancer. The last couple of years for L have been hard. May she now have peace from the pain and fear that she has lived. May she be at rest. May her family celebrate her life and know that she has truly gone home.
All day I have marveled at the fact that chemo is almost over. I have thought a lot about my first treatment and how I couldn't imagine being where I am today. I saw a woman at the hospital today that was getting her first treatment. She was probably in her early 60's. She looked scared but hopeful. We caught each other's eyes and in an instant knew each other's story. I've been thinking about her all day. I wanted to tell her that she would come through it too, but I didn't. If I ever see her again there, I will take her hand and tell she how brave she looked today.

Honey, it dont make no difference to me
Baby, everybodys had to fight to be free
You see, you dont have to live like a refugee
No baby, you dont have to live like a refugee
-Tom Petty


Peace Out

A Public Affair

I look like a cancer patient. In my own words, I look like crazy cancer girl. I have all the tale tell signs, or is it tell tale?
Anyhoo, I have...the look. Hat, with no hair peeking out. Eyebrows and eyelashes almost gone. No boobs, which makes me look really pear shaped. It's ugly. I hate it. It's public. The wig- who am I foolin'? The drawn on brows-phuleeese. It's all there for anyone who looks close enough to see. I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror. I have a huge lump on my chest on the right side that is my port. It's big and grayish looking under my skin. It saves my veins. It aches everyday.
Chemo is harsh. It's poison. I can taste it when I get my infusion. I can taste it every day. I am officially in "chemo-pause". Hot flashes, sweating, bitch on wheels.
I am not paranoid by any means, but I can feel people look at me.
There is the private side of cancer/chemo and the public side. The public side is how most folks know me. The private side I tell no one about. No one would understand the dark things I think about. I live on both sides.

Peace Out

My Little Piece of Glitter

Happy Birthday Wyatt!
Today is Wyatt's 2nd birthday. Hard for me to believe. At 9:20 AM on 1/6/2005, three hours after my water broke, I had this little bug. It's really gone by so fast.
I knew with Wyatt I was having a "planned" C-section. I also knew that Elliot had come early and that it was a very traumatic birth experience for us. So yes, I was a bit nervous to see what having this baby would be like. I was talking to someone in December before my "planned" date had been set and this person, who has no children, told me not to be so worried about it. Are you kidding me? A woman who has not had a child should never begin to advise one who has. There are SO many reasons for this rule. First being the hormone factor, second not having an equal experience to compare it to, third never having a full contraction, I could go on and on , but won't due to the lack of time and space on the blog. I will say that when this person gets pregnant, I will only smile and nod my head remembering all the advise and suggestions she gave me. Then I will let her live out her own experience. As it should be.
The summer I was pregnant with Wyatt was a difficult one. My dad had major heart surgery, so I was flying back and forth to Texas. We had also had some testing done on Wyatt that had some indicators that she might have some birth defects. It was an emotionally charged pregnancy, but what one isn't?
When my water broke at 6AM, the day I was supposed to go meet my surgeon, I knew once again, this would not be "planned". I did meet my surgeon that morning, right before he cut me open. I won't go over every detail but I will say it was a completely different experience than my first. Yes, there were contractions on the way to the hospital, and they hurt. I thought getting to have another c-section I would never have to feel those again. But when your kids always come early, that's not the deal.
We had all four of us in a room by 10:30 that morning. We were complete as a family. Wyatt was that final installment. Elliot was jumping at the chance to see her new baby sister. I believe she held her before I did. She was all giggles and smiles. So proud to hold the baby. To this day Elliot is Wyatt's great protector and playmate.
I live for this two little birds. I would do anything for them. I am like a mother bear to protect them. I, with my partner are the guiding force in their lives. I love them more than air. My duty on earth is to see them grow and flourish. My course is set. Critics and heretics be damned, they are my charge.
The four of us are a family. We do not take this lightly. We do not stumble along, groping to do the right thing. Our bond is strong. Our love is great. We are a unit. Raising children is not a guessing game. Of course you can never see all bends in the road, but you can purposefully work together to find the solution that works for your unit. The four of us are a team.
Happy Birthday Wyatt. Wylie. Wy-Wy. Wyget.
We're happy you came to complete our team.

I love you-Mommy

I've been to Sorrows kitchen and I Licked Out All the Pots

I have done 6 treatments and I 2 more to go. Yoo hoo. Yet I then commence a year of a different kind of treatment. That new treatment will be every three weeks for 12 months. It ain't over till the fat lady sings and I haven't sung a word yet!!!!
I can really see the light at the end now. I have a trip to Mexico planned in May and that is my single goal right now to make it there. It's my- you did it- trip. I have no idea where I will be on energy at that point. I have heard from others in this battle that the effects of treatment wear on or up to a year. Plus the fact that I will still really be in treatment. So taking trips and such at this point can prove logistically challenging. I have 2 kids, 2 carseats, too many suit cases, a dog to kennel, a rental car, a hotel, and let's not forget 4 airplane tickets now that Wyatt turns 2 tomorrow. Ohhh don't forget about food to buy and all the other gear I have to bring. It will take me until May just to amp up to that. I have no plans for much until May. So if you want to see us. Come on up. We'll be here. Call first, I take no guest these days without advanced noticed. I will not answer the door for surprise visits. Sound uninviting? It's not really, I just need that courteous notice. And I will give you that same courtesy. I know. I know. Folks should be able to come anytime. Just not right now.
I feel the toll of this treatment coming to a changing point. I am tired. Things have really changed around the house as far as what I can accomplish. Monday through Thursday I take the girls to school and soccer and I the middle of all that I got get a daily shot, and this shot is in my tummy. I am actually used to it now, yet it's ANOTHER thing I have to get done. We then get home and I honestly want to talk to no one. Emails and calls seldom are answered because I simple do not want to talk. This blog covers what I want/need to say. I don't want to "make nice" I don't want to put on a show. Not that anyone expects it, but I have nothing extra to give, and what I can give goes to A, E, and W. I will not be the same person on the flip side of this. In some ways that is good and bad. There are some things that I will appreciate more deeply than ever and there are some things that I will not. I see that time is short and time for the things that give stress are quickly going out the door. I am reevaluating everything and I am quite aware to some it seems angry and hard, that too bad if you take it that way. But as I have said, if you have gone through this, I welcome your thought on what you did differently. This is not only physical, but emotional too.
It's poison they fill me with every other week. I don't feel nice about that.
I have slept 3 hours tonight. Too jittery from the steroids. The girls are going to play at friends and Anthony is working. I need this alone time today. I am not fit for humans today. I need no one needing me today, for I have nothing to give. Chemo can be isolating. So let me be.

Peace Out

New Years Revolutions

This title was not a miss spelled word. I hate the term resolutions. No one really keeps them. I think of them as revolutions because we fight so hard to fail. That being said, here are some of my future failures...:)

Be nice
Loose weight(AGAIN)
Eat healthy
Quit smoking(LOL)
Do more yard work
Get organized
Teach my children Spanish
Learn to knit
Stop being bitter
Clean out my closet
Be on time
Stop biting my nails
Vacuum my car once a week
Treat myself to a pedicure every quarter
Volunteer
Learn origami
Stay focused
Stop letting my kids watch TV
Cook more often
Get over my childhood
Grow my hair back
Keep my house clean
Exercise everyday
Learn not to hate tofu
Clean up my potty mouth
Be positive
Paint my downstairs bathroom
Reconnect with old friends
Dress better
When my hair grows back, do not put it in a ponytail everyday
Drink more red wine
Bath everyday
Buy some boobies
Relax
Go on an exotic vacation
Kick ass, then take names

Hope you too have started your list on this last day of 2006. Don't beat yourself up too hard if your revolutions are not won. Remember, you can still loose a battle and win the war.

Peace Out

Party Like It's 1999

Where were you when the ball dropped in 1999? Were you singing that song waiting for 2000 to arrive? Perhaps you wish you could go back to turning of that new year? Perhaps, like me, you hope for goodness and health this coming year. Whatever it is, I hope you get it in some form.
We have survived the holidays. We now have even more toys. More toys everywhere. The girls have been very busy playing. The have both had a cold, so staying home and playing has been a good idea. I feel like I am dodging a bullet with these germs. Getting a cold for me is a bad thing. It could delay my chem due to all sorts of scenarios. With only 3 chemos left I am determined to stay on track. One good fever or dip of blood counts could set things back a bit. My focus is to keep away from cootys, finish chemo.
Christmas was fun. We had a full house. We all had a great time. The girls had a visit from Santa. VERY exciting. We had a big meal on Christmas Eve and opened gifts. Then of course Santa left some gifts Christmas morning and we all sat around and ate. It was fun. I was/am a bit woozy and tired. But we made it through. My folks left yesterday and now it seems very quiet here. They may be here for my last chemo. What a celebration.
The new chemo is different than the last. Yet it has it's own set of insults. Achey body. More hair loss (brows and lashes) Bad taste in mouth. Some severe cramping. Headaches. blah blah blah. But I could function better the day of chemo. Three more to go. I am trying to get through under the radar. HAHAHAHA We'll see about that. There's always some who has an opinion on how I should be acting. Maybe she's(I) mean because she's in treatment. Maybe..... maybe the honesty, no bs gadge is working at a very high level. Maybe I never really liked you and have no time to pretend now. Maybe I am not nice and have no time to pretend. Gosh, I just don't know what to say really. I can say that anyone who has gone through chemo is welcome to let me know what their experience was like. That's why I go to a support group. They know exactly what this is all like. They question nothing that anyone else feels or says in the group. There is no- I can't believe she said that or did that. Maybe my harshness will go away when the harshness of the poison coursing through my body leaves. Maybe, maybe not. If you are sensitive it may be a good idea to turn away from this blog. This is no sunny spot in the day to come and read the rantings of someone who is tired and toxic. This is not for the faint at heart. This is not for anyone who may be looking to this blog to find a warm fuzzy poem. This is where I vent and I promise this is only the tip of the iceberg on how I really feel. Also, if you have no great fondness for me, this blog will only confirm your reasons. It may also add a few. I can live with that.
Have a safe and happy new year. Do something fun. We will probably cook a decadent meal, I will watch others have a beer or champagne, and watch the ball drop on tv.

Peace Out

Closer To The End Than The Beginning

Tomorrow is my first round of my last four chemos. Did I write that right? I am closer to the end than the beginning. There is some comfort in that.
We still have no power at our house and that really sucks. I am exhausted from not being in my own home and not being able to cook and going days without a shower. J and A have graciously hosted us and I am so grateful to have a nice place to land, but nothing is like being home. Especially so close to Christmas. Especially having to go to chemo and not being able to go home afterwards. And let's face it, anyone who stays at home with children takes the brunt of this power outage. We try and keep kids happy who are out of their element, keeping them fed, entertained, and warm. While the other half goes to their work place and enjoys lighting and heat and no bored screaming kids. It's not been easy and I have had it much easier than some in this area. Maybe I should welcome chemo as a break in the action of this power situation. I have heard from neighbors that they say we may not have power until SATURDAY. I have come to terms with this and it, say it one more time, really sucks. This blog is another bitch and moan session. I should have these pity partys catered.
BTW we watched Talledega Nights yesterday and it was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! A good laugh.
Stay warm out there.

Peace Out

Windsday

Winter weather has blown us away here in the Northwest. Thursday night we had a winter wind storm. We have had no power since! The night started out very rainy and a little blustery. As the night progressed, the rain was blowing sideways and limbs were coming off trees. We decided to move our mattress downstairs for sleeping since it would be safer down there if a tree donated a branch to our roof. Anthony built a fire and we snuggled in for the night. By midnight the wind was howling and we lost power. No big deal, we were asleep anyway. Well, the power has been out since then and we see no end in sight until the middle of the week. We along with about 40k houses are in the dark. And cold. We have had it good though, better than most We have a wood burning stove downstairs. It has kept us warm and also fed. We have cooked egg sandwiches, pancakes, nachos, hot chocolate, soup(made from scratch), and toast. Today we ventured out with J and A and ate breakfast out. We found out that ToysRUs was open, so they took the girls to their house and Anthony and I went shopping. I have really been stressing about when we would get this done and now it's off my list of worries. Though the worry list is a little long this week. More about that later...
Anyhoo, J and A now have power and we have been at their house tonight. The girls had a bath and I, a shower. Thank gawd. Everyone had pizza and life is good. As for how the week will go, I have no idea. This is not how I envisioned going into Christmas week. I have a new type of chemo on Thursday and folks coming Friday. I do think we will have power by Thursday. I have no idea what this chemo will bring so I am feeling anxious about that. I hear that it's not so nauseating, yet achey to your whole body. Who knows. All I know is, Febuary 1 does not look too far away at all.
Elliot had her Christmas program last week and she did so great. We are your typical proud parents who think their child was the cutest. And you know what, it's true. She really was the cutest. What a beautiful funny girl she is.
Looking forward, Wyatt's 2nd birthday is in January. I don't know what we will do for that yet. I have chemo two days prior to that so I just don't know what I will pull together. I will be clear on this though, her birthday is not on Christmas. Any birthday gift wrapped in Christmas paper will be rewrapped. I really feel strong about this. Honestly, we don't need gifts to celebrate their special birth days. I'm just sayin, think how you'd feel if someone clumped you in with the closest holiday because it made life easier. Would you feel that they took the time to recognize your special day? I think not. So please don't do that to my child. Send a card, make a phone call, but do not wrap her gift in Christmas paper.
We will have a house full for Christmas. I am excited. My parents will be in from Texas. Anthony's cousin Travis and his wife Rika, and his Uncle Steve and Aunt Marci will be up from Oregon. There should be a lot of laughs. The girls will be out of their minds with attention.
So happy holidays to all. Whatever it is you do or don't celebrate. Hope you are warm and safe.

Peace Out

Visualize Whirled Peas

Yesterday was my last AC!!!!!!!!!! we have hit the half way mark. I keep hearing the next part has it's own set of problems yet much easier. I have to believe that, because this has been difficult.
We did things a bit differently and I was pretty loaded up on some new stuff and it worked like a charm. I got some sleep, or should I say passed out. My friend Jacqueline was with me and we had some really good conversations and some laughs too.
My chemo fairies dropped me off another gift before I left. Hugs to you both J and A for adding that to the routine. It means a lot just as you two do. Thank you!
Hey, ANOTHER big shout out to Holly and Lynne who sent me a load of organic veggies and fruit. Yum! Thank you so much. It's all being used and makes me feel so healthy. Thank you both so much!
So we're gettin through the weekend. Jacq and I are heading to a wig shop ;)

As for my last blog, I was pissed that someone had the nerve to tell me how angry I get, when for not one day of my life have they walked in my shoes. I abhor judgment and hypocrisy to the nth degree. I may have anger towards you, but that has a deep and full history. That's the anger you might know about me. I have a blog, and if you comment to this blog for the reading audience, and then sign it anonymously, I will call it out. This blog is a public forum. Keep that in mind

DO NOT READ ANGER HERE. Read blunt force honesty that may not be to your liking. Don't care, too bad.

Peace Out

You Don't Know Me

You don't know me. You don't know anything about me. You don't know what this all feels like. There is ABSOLUTELY no way you could. You have no idea about what really makes me angry so do not assume that you do. Don't assume anything about me unless you hear it straight from my mouth. You are not in treatment with me. You are not in my house day to day to even have a clue what it's like here. If you knew me at all, you'd know my tolerance level is quite low right now for foolishness. You'd know when I feel good and when I don't. You'd know that we laugh a lot around here as well as cry. You'd know if I trusted you enough to confide in you. You'd know that this blog does not even begin to cover what I am about, what I feel, what I believe, or what I like.
You'd know a lot that you really don't know.
You don't know me.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

I have been a lazy blogger! I will try and be better.
Chemo is coming this Friday. I DREAD it! I have fantasies of not showing up. That, of course would never happen, yet a girl's gotta dream huh? My dear friend Jacqueline is flying in from Texas for this one. I have known her for 15 years. We have seen a lot of life together in those years. We have cried many tears but more importantly we have laughed our asses off. She has a little boy named Beck, whom she is leaving at home to come get me through this session. I could not be more grateful. I really look forward to her visit.
Last chemo was hard, but this week I have felt really good. It feels good to feel good. Good Good Good
We have our Christmas tree up. the girls had fun doing that. It looks very festive at my house.
I have a few of shout outs. First of all, Elliot's preschool teacher Mrs Goldie. She is the nicest, most caring lady you'd ever want to meet. When you know that someone truly cares for your children, it makes them gold in your heart. I know she reads my blogs, so Mrs Goldie, thank you for EVERYTHING you do. I am so grateful to have you in our lives!!!!
Next is my friend Patty and her endless support and yummy meals. She's always jumping in to help with my girls. She has first hand experience with her sister-in-law and cancer. She knows this road too well.
And my friend Dawn who sent me home today, after a playdate, with yummy meals for two nights. Gracias Amiga.
This chemo marks the half way point of this journey. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is dim but I see it none the less. I have talked with other women who have gone before me and I have read other blogs about being in the middle of chemo or close to the last one. It kinda becomes a bit of a slump, limping to the end. At the beginning it's all so fresh and raw. People gather around you. But weeks go by and the freshness wears off. People have lives to live. It's not that they don't support you, but the shock and awe of it all wears off. Routines get back to normal, yet the person in treatment is just that...still in treatment. I mean, I am sick of myself at this point. I can't be much fun to be around at times. It's a slump, definitely.

Peace Out

Sometimes...

This last summer I read a poetry book by the name of The Sometimes Girl by Lisa Zaran. I highly recommend it. Anyhoo, was lying in bed last night thinking of the things I sometimes want, or am or am not. This blog is in no way aiming to liken my thoughts to the above mentioned book. Just me rambling; as always...rambling

Sometimes I just want to sit in the background and watch.
Sometimes I wish you would just shut up.
Sometimes I want to call the girl I used to be and ask her what's up.
Sometimes I yell at my children.
Sometimes I want someone else to direct traffic.
Sometimes I miss by boobs.
Sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I wake up for no reason and listen to how quiet it is in my house.
Sometimes I want to quit
Sometimes I resent you because you are healthy.
Sometimes I feel hopeful.
Sometimes I tire of you thinking you know me.
Sometimes I want another child.
Sometimes I want to runaway and join the circus.
Sometimes I want to walk around in public bald just to shock people.
Sometimes I wear my hats to make people feel comfortable.
Sometimes I want to pinch you very hard under your arm.
Sometimes I know that you will never get it.
Sometimes I feel like people use religion as a very convenient weapon.
Sometimes I look at my children and see who they will be when they grow up.

Peace Out