Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

I have a 9 year old who is asking A LOT of questions this Christmas. Someone sent me this letter from a blog they read. I think it's pretty perfect!

Happy Holidaze!

Dear Lucy,

Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: “Are you Santa?”

I know you’ve wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I’ve had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.

The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.

I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)

I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.

This won’t make you Santa, though.

Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.

It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.

With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.

I love you and I always will.

Mama

The Cold Cold Shoulder

The weather is changing. It's getting quite cold outside. Rather chilly.
I am getting in a groove as is the entire house. Soccer is over now on to basket ball. Elliot is a baller dontcha know?
I am settling in to getting to know new people. It was completely overwhelming at first. It still is sometimes but I feel like I have a handle on it.
Here's the rub, and frankly I don't even know how to say this....
Someone who extended a gracious hand to me, now will not even look my way. I am completely baffled. I have very little interaction with this person.....now. They don't wave if they see me, or smile my direction. Now if they had not been so welcoming and warm initially, this would not of even hit my radar. But they were, and I don't know if I should say something or let it go. I am a grown up. I know that not everyone will be friends with everyone.
I know when I have been shitty, but I also know when I haven't. This time I am confused.
So I am going to let this person go. I refuse to keep trying to no avail.
My father stopped speaking to me a couple of years ago. The last conversation I had with him, I asked him why we had not been communicating much. Having cancer twice, I distinctly remember telling him that if something ever happened to me, that my children, his grandchildren, would need him.  There was no direct answer. We got off the phone, me thinking, well, I'll talk to him in a couple of days. Days, weeks months, and now years have gone by. This is not the first time in my life this has happened between us. Frankly, THIS time, I have let go. Whatever his reasons are, I don't know. Now it affects my children. They don't understand why they never see Poppa anymore. I refuse to have my girls in this oddness.
Sometimes that how life is. Sometimes we have to stop trying to fit a square peg into a circle hole.
So.....done done and done.

Peace Out

Miss you

Its been so lonely with out you here, like a bird without a song.

A Promise to Myself

This week I promise to thoroughly enjoy myself. The hustle, the planning, the work.
I promise to be relaxed.
I promise not to worry if I fit in.
I promise that I will drink tons of water.
I promise I will wash off my makeup every night.
I promise to be grateful for my charmed life.
I promise not to talk to anyone who makes me feel sad.
I promise I will try not to yell at my kids.
I promise to read the entire Sunday paper by Tuesday.
I promise to love, chersish, and make him happy to call me his wife.

Peace Out

Struggle

OMG....I am so sick of myself at this point. I must purge.....
This last month has been a struggle for me personally. It's so many things balled into one.
September 29, 2006, I had a double mastectomy. Yes. I know, blah blah blah, you keep tellin us that!
But here's the thing, this year is my 5 year mark. I want to act like it's no big deal. Really I do, but as it gets closer, I have come to realize that it is weighing on my mind.
September 29, 2011, I will be 45 years old. The hell you say? I look not a day over 33 you say? Oh reader, you flatter me. Blush....thank you!
So yes, every year my birthday rolls around, I remember to take a moment to be grateful I get to celebrate another year.
This year though it's just sticking in my craw and I can't seem to blow it off. I should because I have a lot going on. I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have a new blended family of 4 girls. I'm busy. Yet I can always find time for a pity party with a glass of whine!
There are days I miss my familiar. I miss my friends on the other side of town. My girls seem to be doing great making new friends. I feel like I am failing miserably. I keep waiting to feel like part of the club, it's just not happening. It's really fucked up at 45 to feel like I can't meet a friend....can some one pour me some more whine?
I was writing to someone today about the twisted feeling one gets after the broohaha of cancer and chemo. One feels lonely. It's really not right to even say. But if I were being honest, and I am, it's true.
So I liken this feeling of loneliness to a difficult time I had after chemo. Everyone loves a fire but no one really wants to stay after the firetruck leaves.
Here at this new school with this new life, my story arrived before I did. Everyone wanted to see the new girl. It felt exciting and fun for me. New school, new house, meeting new friends. But the reality for me has become feeling invisible. Now you see me, now you don't. I'm being such a titty baby.
I should be running down the street in my birthday suit with the bone yard hanging out screaming thank you baby jesus for my charmed life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
uggggg I'm such an asshole that all I do is whine.
This is an ugly blog today, with shameful feelings of being ungrateful for all that I have. 45 lashes with a wet noodle!

Peace Out

Invisible

Ok so yes...I am blogging two days in a row after bitching yesterday that I had no time. Maybe I just needed one blogging session to kick me in the ass and realize how much I miss it. And in a way, blogging is me time. Time when all is quiet and I am not doing laundry.
So I have been thinking a lot lately how invisible I feel. Like a ghost in a room, I swish around bodies. Someone may feel, ever so slightly that something brushed up against them, turning to look at nothing there. I could pick a little pocket here, take a little earring there. I could nibble off someones plate. Why not? I am invisible.
I think that connections with others keep us from disappearing. The human interaction that, as a social kind of gal, I crave.
When I moved to Seattle in '98, I remember I would be in public thinking I would see a familiar face. I was 2300 miles from Texas, but I still searched for the familiar.
We all need contact with other beings. We all want to be seen in the world. I am in a definite transition right now. Going from my comfort zone into unknown faces, uncharted routine.
We never really stop inward growth do we?
For now I will remain invisible, getting to know my new world. The scary thing is, eventually someone will actually see me.

Peace Out

Why I Don't Blog Much

First Day of School 2011

So here are four major reasons I no longer have had time to blog...

This summer was crazy busy. School starting was daunting. But we all did it. 

I have more than once think about how it must feel for my children to move to a new school, because in a way, so have I.

We have all stepped out of our comfort zone. My girls miss their friends and usually routines. Everything they ever knew has changed. They have handled it all with such grace and bravery. And like them, I miss my friends. I know no familiar faces in the school yard. I kinda like to pretend I'm invisible... if only...

I admire these four. Life ahead of them, full of hope and promise. I'm gonna see if they want a playdate after school. 

Peace Out

This One Goes Out to The One I Love

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

~Brandi Carlile

Long Time Gone

I have not blogged in a looooooong time.

Since school got out in June, I have been in the weeds busy.

I saw a friend of mine the other day and she said she hadn't seen me post in a while and she hoped all is ok.

All is great.

I have moved in with my husband to be. Two adults, four kids, two dogs. Help me baby jesus! I am busy!

Has your life ever been so good that is scares you? How pathetic am I that I cannot just enjoy it? Just sit back and love it for what it is? I am working on this.

My kids are happy, my co-parent and I are getting along. I adore his girlfriend! Everyone is healthy

Take a deep breath......

Peace Out

My Sweet Gentleman Cat

I did not complete my 30 days of shitte.

I jumped off board of that to chaos....

Not all bad but none the less chaos.

The good, went to Mexico for a week with mi amore and two good friends. I will save that for another blog.

The bad, as I mentioned in one of my 30 days of blogging, my sweet gentleman cat was on his way to catnip fields forever. Today he went. And with a heavy heart I tell you that I have lost one of the most loyal, true, loving companions of my life. He has been every where with me. Texas, to Seattle, two kids, two cancers. His unconditional love was undying. He never left me when I fucked up. He never left me when I was sick or happy or sad. He was my buddy through and through.

I was with him today. Making the decision was brutal. As hard as it was, I stuck by his side during the last moment of his life. Thanking him for everything he had ever taught me or done for me. It was so peaceful and I am honored to of been there.

My house is still today. No clik clat claws on my wood floor. No swishing tail or occasional shout out meow to find out where in the house I am. Just still silence.

I miss you Diego, my kitty prince.

Peace Out

Day 23

Dear Ebay,

You are a vixen. A little minx. A tease.

I come to you every night whispering my words of desire. You show me all I could have in this world and in the last 2 minutes you pull the rug out from under me. And you know what? I know I am not alone in this yearning for you! You have thousands....no millions, just like me who dare to tell you all their secrets, only to be left empty handed. sigh......

There are others how try to copy you in some fashion. I gave Craigs List a shot but it just didn't have the bells and whistles that you do. You with your slick looking dream catchers. Technicolor desires. I hate you! I love you! I hate you! I. Cannot. Live. With. Out. You. and you know it! damn you!

I'm gonna quit you smarty pants Ebay! I will if it's the last thing I do, right after I tell you about my dream of a new camera....

Peace Out

Day 22

Well, Easter weekend and a cold got the better of me and I have dropped the ball on 30 days of blogging. If you don't mind, I think I will start back up where I left off....

I don't think that a day goes by that I don't think about dying. I have blogged this before.

I, in a round about way, knew someone who died recently. He knew he was dying, and choose the date of his death.

There is a program called Dying with Dignity. It covers a wide area, such as getting your things in order, financial and what you can of the emotional. It is not a suicide pact of any kind. A person who would look into this would be terminally ill.

I am torn....

Would my ego and gumption keep me from doing this? Would there be a spark somewhere inside of me that still felt hope? Or would I accept my plight and try to say all my goodbyes? Write letters to my children. Apologize to those I hurt and cuss out those who hurt me? Would I be fierce to the end or a lamb of grace?

Like I said, I am torn.

I will say this, today I am not ready for anything other than living. Seeing my children grow up and holding my grandchildren.

When people say to me, OH! You're a cancer survivor! I say no, I am SURVIVING.

The day I hold my grandchild, I will be a survivor. Until that day happens, and I've got my eye on the prize!

Peace Out

Peace Out

Day 21

1. Diet Coke, Coors Light, and Funyuns are my weakness! Yes I am a hick.
2. I have had breast cancer twice.
3. I never thought I would have children. Now I have 2.
4. I love to cook and I am really good at it.
5. I hate it when people smack their gum. So low rent.
6. I have kissed a girl, with tongue.
7. My favorite color is red.
8. I prefer a Merlot to a Cab
9. Frida Khalo is my personal heroine.
10. I think O.J. did it.
11. I am jaded and cynical.
12. I love my children more than air.
13. I can successfully navigate the subway system in NYC.
14. I hate anime.
15. I love shoes.
16. I could eat Thai food everyday.
17. I think one of the greatest luxuries in life is watching tv in bed!
18. I think vegetarians should only get to eat vegetables. None of this fake meat, chicken and cheese stuff. If you don't want to eat meat don't try to fake yourself out. Believe me, that crap tastes like crap.
19. I belong to a book club. How Oprah of me.
20. I have done 2 sprint triathlons, and 2 60 mile 3 day walks.
21. I prefer to be very direct and honest. Sometimes blunt.
22. I could o.d. on ding dongs.
23. Cannon Beach OR is my favorite place on the planet.
24. I only trust two people...One of them is me and the other is not you.
25. I think I can be very charming and funny.

Day 20

I went to high school with this girl. We weren't really friends. I was more friends with her brother. I actually felt like she never cared for me. We were in the same grade and her brother was a year ahead of us. Let's call the brother Dick and the sister Jane...no pun intended with the bro's name!

I distinctly remember having a beer with Dick the day that Jane gave birth to her son. We were with a group of people and I knew he had just come from the hospital, where he had met his nephew for the first time. We were all having beers, but Dick seemed quiet. Just not quite himself and certainly not the happy new uncle! I leaned over and asked him if he was ok. I remember his pause and then his eyes watered as he told me Jane's newborn boy had Down's syndrome. He then he sat there quietly and finished his beer and left.

As a reminder, I had not seen Jane since high school, yet I was deeply saddened by the news.

This was many years before I had my own children and the invention of facebook that has magically reconnect the entire world.

Fast forward to present day, the days of facebook.

I am now friends with Jane on fb, after many years. I really had thought about her and her son from time to time through the years. Especially at a time when doctors thought my youngest child may have a form of Down's, which I will add, she does not.

Yesterday she posted a picture of this beautiful child standing outside waiting for rain.As I stared at the picture and his smiling face I thought of how the ugliness that this world can sometimes have, will for the most part, never effect him. Oh I am sure he has hard days and so do his parents. But I am willing to bet he is happy. I bet he has joy most of his days. You can see it in his eyes in all the pictures she posts. You can tell by the updates Jane gives how he loves big dog licks and loves to go out to eat.

I envy his innocence. I envy his freedom. When I say freedom I mean, freedom from a world that is not always kind.

Jane was made to be this child's mother. I have no idea if she feels that way, but I can tell in her writings about him. He is a very lucky boy, and she a blessed mother.

Peace Out

Day 19

Once upon a time there was a girl who had three fabulous friends. They were young and fun. They loved to do lunch and lay out and go to bars at night and hear music. This was before the days of cell phones and computers. They loved mini dinner parties. They were finding their way in the world.

If only I could run the reel of our times together over and over in my mind.

We are now "grown ups" doing grown up things. We live in different states.

I think back to a night in a parking lot of a bar we had closed down. We were all drunk and talking. We had had such a fun night. It was perfect under the summer stars. Out of the blue I thought to myself and said out loud.....

It will never be like this again. If I could take back those words today I would! But time does not stand still. And it never was the same....

These three people had a huge hand in forming me as an adult. I will forever be grateful and happy for the awesome times we had together.

Peace Out

Day 18

There was a person who once stayed in my house for an extended period of time. It was not a pleasant stay and it ended quite badly.

Lies were told, trust was broken, and things were never the same.

When they stayed at my home, I never felt comfortable if I left the house and they were alone. I felt watched and snooped upon. I had no clear evidence of this, but I could not shake the feeling.

One summer evening, I went out with my family and this person was alone in my house. I came home, nothing was unusual, just the same awkward strain as always and I went to bed.

I come to find out the next day that this person went into my bed room and proceeded to read my journal. The excuse was that they needed a book to read....Funny, I thought, there is an entire bookshelf downstairs with more than one hundred books on it. Why go into my room? WHY GO INTO MY ROOM? That's my private place. No one should go in there with out permission. What the hell?

I could not give a shit what was read. I knew exactly what I had written. My journal was a place for me to vent rather than giving this individual a smack down. It was sometimes the only place I could go to calm down.

There is NO excuse, there is NO explanation that will ever make it ok that this person did that. Even if they thought I was a terrorist, which I am not. I think this person thought it was alright. I really do. I think they thought they were untitled...out of worry.

Needless to say things got very ugly and that was the end of that.

Except it wasn't....

This person went to others and told the to watch out for me. I wasn't who they thought I was. I wasn't the person I showed myself to be. Because of what I had written. What I had written was only about the house guest and no one else. I am, guessing they didn't tell anyone that. I bet donuts to dollars they never said they were snooping.

Things were never the same. Not only between me and the visitor, but also many other folks.

And if by chance you are reading this, and you think to your self.....that's not a true story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I promise you it is. You just only heard one side of it.

Peace Out

Day 17

A letter to me at 19

Dear Maria,

Break up with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously he's not worth it. You're smart to always tell him no when he talks about getting married. You don't end up with him anyway. You don't end up with anyone great few quite a few years.

You should wash your face every night. You'll be happy you did later in life.

Don't worry about your body. Be glad you're healthy, because your'e going to have some rough patches in that department. You'll get through it, but you'll be changed in ways I can't articulate right now. Trust me though, you'll be ok.

I know right now you do not believe you will ever have children. You will, two girls that you will love more than air. Crazy huh?

You'll love men who don't love you and there will be men who love you that you won't be able to love back. Even with that being said, you'll do just fine.

You will not live in Texas your whole life.

You will have a job that will let you travel and see the world. It will be more valuable in shaping who you are, than any book education. You will have a passion for traveling that will last your whole life.

You will live in your dream home.

Your relationship with your parents will always be rocky. It is what it is. Don't beat yourself up over it.

You will actually teach yourself to cook and love it.

This is what I know right now. Use it as you will. Just remember, love yourself and the rest will follow.

Peace Out

Day 16

I love to travel!!!!

LOVE IT!

I was reminded today how much I love it.

I took a ferry this morning over to a saweet island here in the Seattle area. As I waited in the terminal I sat and people watched.

One of the things I love most about travel is going in the same direction as a group. No one knows each other. Maybe a family here and there but for the most part traveling is silent. Especially when I travel alone. When I travel by myself, I can make the choice if I connect with others. I am not a shy or quiet person, but sometimes to be able to sit very still with my own thoughts, yet still be around others, is awesome to me.

Traveling gives me a sense of how we are all connected.

Very soon I am going to Cabo. In early 2012 I am going to Thailand again. But to be honest, today gave me tons of satisfaction and will hold me over until I am Mexico bound. If I get itchy feet before Thailand, I think I will just jump on a ferry and feed my need for adventure.

Peace Out

Day 15

This day will be very simple.
Happy birthday Dave!!!!!
I hope you have a great day. You are an awesome friend,husband, and dad!
May 39 be a banner year. Here's to future good times.
Cheers! Maria

Day 14

Excuse me.....Do I know you? You look so familiar to me!
Seriously, do you know me? Or only know what you've heard about me? Or only know what I choose for you to see?
I was thinking about how well a person knows another.
When we give birth to our children, we know their every move, cry, giggle. They are a complete open book. They have yet to learned to hide. Yet there does come a time they develop their ownness. They figure out what society will accept. They figure out how to keep secrets.
So by the time we become adults and have partners, we have learned very well how to hide the face behind the mask. We want to be loved, so we keep the darkness hidden...sometimes.
Granted, not all are like me. I have a dark side. I have a side that is not so cute.
Currently in my life, there is a person that does not know me really at all. They only know what they have been told and also what they have seen of me on our very few encounters.
Sometimes I want to jump up and down and shout-YOU ONLY KNOW HALF OF THE STORY. If even that much. I did not make a choice for this person to be in my life. And to be honest I know very very little about them. We circle each other tentatively. I have much knowledge that would help this person but it is not for me give out.
So I keep silent. And in the end we are no closer to knowing each other better than we did when we had no idea the other one existed.
It's such a slippery slope. We just don't really know one another and may never. I have no idea at this point.
My question is, who do you feel really really knows you? Who knows the side that you hide? Who is the person you really know?
Think about it....

Peace Out

Lucky 13

I used to be a flight attendant. Many moons ago. Part of our training was customer service. Talking to the public. Being appropriate and unoffensive. Even if the passenger was a complete asshole.

You know the drill, keep topics neutral. Do not talk about sex, religion, or politics.

I suppose it was easy enough. Plus I was pretty young and had few views other than what was my favorite beer.

Now these days, I have quite a bit to say, though most of it is bullshit.

The three forbidden topics are still a constant. People want to push their agenda on others. They want you to think they way think. And if you don't...you are wrong. Or even worse, going to hell.

Luckily I live in a country that allows me to think whatever I want and act upon it with in the law.

Which now brings me to the topic of my blog:

Religion. Ewwwwwwwwww-what a dirty word.

Lack of religion. Ewwwwwwwwwww-what a dirty concept.

No matter what side of the fence you are on, it is an age old argument. All three topics are on the news and every social network in the world. I may be quite unpopular on this one, but I don't want to see your cause on facebook. I go to FB to waste time, not read you bashing politicians or quoting scripture. Aren't there better places for that? Why ram it up others noses until they unfriend you?

I, particularly, cannot tolerate anyone pushing religion on me...OR MY CHILDREN. People use religion as a weapon to make others conform. Wars are fought over religion. People are killed.

What blows me away is the judgement that humans put upon other humans. As if they live a life of sinlessness. What a crock of shit.

I know a person who is like this. We all do. Instead of a life filled with love and family, this person completely alienates their family and others, with their judgement, and then cries about it. This person is difficult for others to be around. I am constantly amazed and not in a good way.

I mean seriously, what's the golden rule that we were supposed to learn in school?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Hmmmmmm ok.

Let's all remember that. Because we all want to the right to our own opinions, beliefs, and sexual preferences.

Peace Out

Day 12

Never ask a lady how old she is or how much she weighs. At least that's what they say.

But seriously, will those two facts really matter when we take our last breath here on earth. Will it matter what your dress or pant size is while laying in a coffin? I think not.

Here's the thing. People spend millions of dollars on weight loss. That's not really the subject of this blog though.

The subject is really about how we feel about ourselves. It's about self acceptance. Do you like yourself just way you are? Well you should. What good does it do any good not to? Do you have female children? What kind of message do you send to them if they hear you talk about how fat you feel or think you are?

I really really think about it. I make a huge effort that my girls never hear me talk disparagingly about myself. Especially with the fact that I have no breasts and have chosen not to change that. When I made the decision not to reconstruct my breast after a double mastectomy, my children played a huge role in that. At the time they were too young to know any different. That is starting to change the older they get. When they enter puberty and start to develop, they will do so with a mother that has no breasts. I will tell them it doesn't matter, because my self worth is not tied up in that. Also with that last statement I say...to each his own. We all have choices to make.

So I try my best to love myself as I am. Lumps in the wrong places, and bumps that gravity has taken control of.

I want my girls to embrace the differences in their bodies, and others. None of us are perfect. Not even the gals in magazines.

Love yourself. Accept yourself!!!!!!!!!!!! You're perfect just like you are!

Peace Out

Day 11

Before I begin this blog, I need to clear up my days here. I blogged on Friday but for some reason it didn't post until Saturday. I didn't blog yesterday and now I am today. I goofed but I am still trying to stay on track.

This is my cat Diego. He is 16 years old. He has been with me since I lived in Texas in 1995. We have seen good times and bad times. He has loved me without condition. He has snuggled with me when I have been sad or sick.

These days Diego has slowed down quite a bit. In this picture he was only about 9. Full and healthy. A 20 pounds cat when he was at his prime. Never fat, mind you, just big.

He has moved everywhere with me. He sat on the dashboard of a moving truck for three days when I moved from Texas to Seattle. He has been through children pulling his tail and dogs invading his space. He has lost his kitty sister, Frida, 5 years ago.

These days he is an old man. He walks slow and limps up and down the stairs. He sleeps more than usual and has a hard time breathing. I know his days are coming to and end and it breaks my heart to know I will looses a dear friend soon. His quality of life is good. He takes no meds nor needs any special handling. I know the day will come when that is no longer true and I will need to make the very very hard decision...

Until that day, we will snuggle a little more. I will give him all the petting he desires.

Peace Out

Day 10

The liquid lunch. LL. One of my favorite weekday escapes. Not every week day. Not every week. In this picture...2 jalapeno margaritas. Delish! I only LL with certain people. LL is when two moms get together while all the kids are in school. We chat with no interuptions. No one tugging on us. No one saying the same thing over and over and over and over and over. LL feels so decedant in the middle of the day. If more people did LL there would be less war in the world. It's amazing all the things that are solved over a cold beer on a Thursday afternoon. So I raise my glass to my LL ladies. Thank you for all your listening and laughs. Peace Out

Day 9

It was a trial run...

Four little girls getting ready in the morning. Good lawd they were so excited they got up at 0600!!

So here's the deal, my two girls will be going to a private school in the fall.

Hunne's girls already go there. My school district is on spring break so we came over to this side of town because it is not their break.

The new school wears uniforms so everyone got dressed, pig tails in place and off we went!

It was adorable.

I will take a moment to give myself a pat on the back. No one cried. Not even me. They had their teeth brushed and food in the backpacks. It was a fun dress rehearsal.

The principal and all the teachers were so kind and made a big deal about my girls being visitors. They felt very special.

Check this one off as a good day!

Peace Out

Day 8

Family Dinner.

That's what happened tonight.

The ex, our kids, the hunnee, his kids, and the hunnee's parents.

Nine people around the table. Laughing and talking. Eating good food. I even made a cake. Dayum!

It actually felt really normal. Because you see, we really are all connected. This part of my life proves that. We, the world, we are all connected in some way. If it takes me having this kind of life so that my children see and feel that connection, then by gawd I will do it.

Believe me, there are days that my ex and I would rather poke each others eyes out with a sharp stick. But on days like today, when it all works, I feel harmony. Having all those I love around me. I am only in love with one man. The man who gave me my children will always be a part of my life. We are not in love anymore and haven't been for a while. We are really really working at admiration. Friendship I should say. As I have said, I did love him. Those days are over and if I can have more days like the one I had today, I will be a happy woman. Amen!

Peace Out

Day 7

How do you discipline your children?

Are you a spanker? yeller? time outer?

I have done all three in my time as a mom. Not so much spanking but I won't pretend I haven't swatted a bum here and there. Time out was huge from about 2 years old and on. Yelling is my first reaction when it's 2 minutes till the bus and no one has their shoes on. That makes me completely insane!!!!!!

I generally have three rules at the house:

Be kind

Be Respectful

Obey

As far as I am concerned those three cover everything. If you are doing one of them you are doing all of them. If you are doing all of them you are doing at least one of them (if not all)

I won't allow children to speak to adults as equals. I don't believe children can demand things and order parents around.

Oh don't get me started on whining. I. HATE. WHINING.

Whining will never get what you want in my house. It will however get you in time out.

As my girls get older, I expect more from them. I want them to go out into the world and be well mannered and kind. I want to them to be successful in whatever they do. I hope they get to do what they love. I hope they have love and laughter where ever they go.

For right now my job is to guide them. Bring out them best of what is already inside of them.

My job is to love them. And I do...more than air.

Peace Out

Day 6

Today is the first day of spring break for my girls.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh remember spring break?

I grew up in Texas. Spring break for me was laying out in the back yard, rubbing baby oil and iodine all over, and cooking my skin brown.

Spring Break in Texas meant caravaning down to Padre Island for underage drinking and random acts of stupidity.

This week we are here in Seattle. And it's raining and cold. That's ok because we all got to sleep in and to me, that is worth any sun tanning in the world. Guess I'm getting old...

This week will be made for lazy!!!

The girls and I are going on a ferry boat ride to a sweet little island for a day of playing.

This coming fall the little ladies are attending a new school so we are going to check it out.

We have a rockin 7 year old birthday party!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday McKenna!

Other than that we're chillin like villins!

Having no plans is sometimes good for the soul.

Peace Out

Day 5

Last night I went to a private school auction. Holy cow! It was so much fun.

I have never been to an auction. I noticed how wisely thye time everything. The biggest smooth move being that the big ticket items come at the end of the night after you've been drinking free wine all night.

With that said....

I'm going to Cabo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone care to join?

Peace Out

Day 4

Precious. So precious.

Have you seen the movie Precious?

My gawd. It's hard to watch. This poor child. She had no chance in this world.

In her own world she was looked down upon. And when I say her own world, I mean her world in Harlem.

She could not read or write. She had a mother who abused her physically and emotionally. A father who raped her and gave her two children, and ultimately HIV. Her mother knew it was going on and let it happen so she wouldn't loose her husband. Yet her spirit was stronger than the people who were trying to hold her down, as if they had a rope round her neck pulling her to hell with them. Misery loves company I suppose.

No child should see or be the victim of any type of abuse. I think we can all agree to that.

When I was a child I saw my mother abused in many ways. I saw a man who she married beat the livin shit out of her. I saw him pounding her head on the floor like she was no better than, well, no better than anything living. I snuck out the window of my bedroom to go get someone to call the police. I was 11 years old. Scared to death. A neighbor called an ambulance. I went to school the next day not knowing if my mother was dead or alive. I was scared her husband would come and get me at school and kill me. When I got home from school my mom was sitting on the couch with black eyes and bruises. Beat to HELL. Her husband vowed to never do it again....ummmm ok.

So for months and months, I would not go to sleep until I knew they were asleep. Sometimes it would be midnight. I thought that if I stayed awake I could call the police quicker if I heard him hitting her again. Have you ever in person heard the sound of a fist hitting another human? It's the sickest sound in the world. It is the sound of my nightmares.

I begged my mother to leave him. But I was 11. What can a 11 year old? We lived in another part of Texas away from my dad whom I had not seen or spoken to in months. I didn't know phone numbers to call. I couldn't tell what friends I had. I had just moved to this new town and didn't really have friends.

I was never hit. But I was abused. I was abused with fear. I was abused by a woman who gave birth to me choosing a man over her own child. Fear was my jail.

Eventually my mom moved on to another asshole, but that's a different blog for a different day.

Today I have no relationship with my mother. For many different reasons. I can't afford her crazy. The cost is too high. Call it self protection.

No child should ever be the recipient or view any abuse.

I am an adult now. Forty four years of adult. But inside of me is an 11 year old who is still scared of sounds in the night. Don't sneak up on me, I will jump out of my skin.

I have succeeded in many ways. I have failed in more. I do not use my childhood as a crutch, but it is part of who I am. It is why I survive. It is why I am hard sometimes. Ok most the time.

My own children do not know this story. Maybe someday. Not today.

So watching the movie Precious, I sat in tears. I cried for the story and I cried for myself. I cried for my mother. I cried for children who know fear and hurt.

Peace Out

Day 3

Last night my family and I were playing Life....the board game.

It was so nice to hop around the board to such pleasant outcomes. The worst thing that could happen was you might have some debt.

This morning I was thinking about it. The game of life is nothing like, Life the game. The game board says nothing about real life.

You don't land on-Your spouse cheated, go straight to therapy. You don't land on-You lost your job due to economy, go to the unemployment line. You don't land on-You have cancer, go straight to chemo. You don't land on-Your child has a learning disability, pay thousands and thousands of dollars to figure it out. You don't land on- A family member has an addiction, go to rehab.

When when land on Get Married, the board doesn't say, sorry you have no one to marry.

I don't think I want to play that game again. My real life seems game enough thank you!

Peace Out

Day 2

I have this friend....No really, I do have a few folks who will actually claim to like me.

Anyhoo...

I have this friend who I will call Mona in this partic blog, to keep her identity safe.

I have known Mona since I was 23 years old. She is awesome. I don't see her or talk to her nearly enough, but when I do we never miss a beat. She makes me laugh so hard I get a stomach ache!

In our wild 20's we were part of a small group of people who thought our shit did. not. stink. And you know what? Mine may stink now, but it didn't back then.

We were wild. We didn't care who thought what. We did whatever we wanted. We wore whatever we wanted. We danced, drank, and said, whatever we pleased. It was good to be us. The best part was, we had real jobs that afforded us this lifestyle.

There was a brief time we lived together.

There was a great story about her drunk boyfriend peeing on her back while in a stooper.

There was broken hearts.

And then we grew up. Our small tribe did not stick together. Yet, Mona and I have always been a phone call away.

Mona lost a baby in the very late stages of a pregnancy. My phone rang at 9:00 on a Sunday morning. Not exactly a time I would be talking to her. She called to tell me of her heartbreak and we cried.

I called her when I had my second round of breast cancer. She said what can I do? I asked her to come to a chemo with me. And she did after rearranging her entire life, to fly up here to Seattle and sit with me. She was with me when I bought my first wig.

Then when I decided to do my first 3 day breast cancer walk, who do you think walked beside me? Yup, Mona.

These days Mona has a HILARIOUS little boy. She's married. She's still funny as shit. That girl can make me laugh. She is bold and true. She has loved me with out condition for 20 years. I always forget her birthday and still, she loves me.

I love you Mona. I am a lucky girl to have you in my life.

The heart remembers.

Peace Out

Day 1

I have a 11 year relationship that is over. So over. Done.
Another personal failure.
Please do not take sides on this. This train wreck is not about sides.
It was never an easy relationship.
I met him playing soccer. He was playing forward and I was sucking ass playing defense. Actually I only saw him playing. I met him the next week at work when I went and introduced myself to him. Lawdy, I thought...what a beautiful human. He was quiet, which I took for shy. But now many years and tears later, I have taken his silence as a wall I could never climb over.
I am verbal and emotional and hot tempered, so you maybe you can see how it was never gonna be easy.
I loved him to the moon and back. I loved him. I really really loved him. I wanted to get married for many years. I am the mother of his children. I wanted to be his wife. I loved him.
All couples go through ups and downs. I know this. Having children is an up. Having cancer is a down.
Inlaws and outlaws that never really supported us didn't help. Speaking in hushed tones and gossiping is not the way to promote family. If one REALLY cared about children, then one would do anything in ones power to support the parents of said children. Some members of his family do not care for me, nor I for them. As for my folks, they do what they have always done in my life, they just stop talking to me, forsaking their own grandchildren. We're all fucked up huh?
Subtle shifts in personal growth don't always bring couples closer. A crack in the foundation of an already shifty terrain can leave each person standing on opposite sides of the chasm. And that's where we are. Standing facing each other pointing fingers.
Somedays I yearn for days gone by. But even those days were not rainbows and butterflies.
Now we are trying to build a friendship that was never really there. We have to. We have kids. It's so hard. Trust is broken. I will never be his wife. For my sanity, I need to have a peaceful, if not friendly, relationship with him.
So there, I have outed the elephant in the room.
Day 1 is a doosey for me.

Peace Out

Thirty Days of My Crap

I have heard it done before.
Thirty days in a row of blogging. Thirty days of mental vomit typed out on a keyboard. keyBOARD. Will this gain me a reader or two? Will this loose me a reader or two? Does it matter?
I'm gonna do it.
I have been inspired by many a blogger before me.
My life is not the easiest right now so there may be a lot of crappy, pity party stuff on here. I will try to lay off the- oh poor me- show as much as possible. I always love a party, especially when I get to whine...wine.
Hang on....here I go.

Peace Out

3 Sides To Every Story

Must I do this so publicly?

Sometimes bloggers feel the need to spill their guts on their blog. I think we think no one ever reads our blogs, so we vomit all our emotions onto a keyboard hoping for some emotional relief.

I have read it and I have done it.

I try though, I really try not put put gory details on here. Ohhhhhh I want to. Believe me. I want to spill it. I want to purge.

There 3 sides to every story. His side, Her side, and the truth. Don't believe all the gossip because the truth is much more interesting.

My blog has been a source of communicating. I have written about cancer and getting through it. I have rambled silly stuff.

Now as I see the end of my relationship with the father of my children, it's hard not to type all my emotions. Or what I feel is my side of the story. Eleven years of story. But that's not really fair.

At this point of an ending , most couples would no longer live together. Yet we do. By the time I move out, it will be eleven years almost to the month.

No matter where I am going and what goodness my future holds, it's hard. I have had babies while living in this house. I have had some of the best and worst times of my life in this house. I had cancer in this house. I have laughed and cried in this house. It has sheltered me and my children. Kept us safe and warm.

So not to blog about this transition of my life is very difficult.

I try...I try

Peace Out

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Words.....

They can build you up. They can tear you down. They can start and end wars.

Words of love.

Words of hate.

Words, unlike bruises and scars, are not seen after said. Words can remain ringing in your ears long after said. They can shape us by the inside out. Positive or negative.

Words can be typed and written. Physical touch, good or bad, is gone after the connection. But words can be read over and over again. They can be heard again if recorded, or they can roll around in your head like rocks.

Just like bombs, the can be weapons of mass destruction.

Peace Out

Driving Ms. Crazy

Ahhhhhhh, the modern family. The blended family.
His/Mine/Hers/Theirs/Ours. One big happy family.
It's quite a goal to accomplish. In this Brady Bunch type world. No one ever really came out and said if Mike and Carol were divorced or widowed from their first partners. Hell, maybe neither were ever married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one ever thought about that in those days.
Mike and Carol never had to deal with "ex's" They never had to make sure schedules worked for all parties involved. They didn't have to hold their tongue in tense times to keep the peace. They didn't have to watch their ex do kind things that were never done for them. They didn't have to argue over money and what was due the other one.

Nope

Mike and Carol got off scott free from ever having to deal with the other ones ex. Makes me wish I were in a sit-com. But I am not. I deal with real life issues just you do, dear reader. I struggle over trying to have someone see my worth that they never really saw. Whether it be monetarily or has a mate and a mother. I struggle with seeing all the affection and appreciation that I yearned for, given to someone who has not even been around a year.

Am I blameless? Hell no.

So am I crazy? Yup, somedays I am. But ya'll already knew that, huh?

Peace Out

The Last Day of Our Acquaintance

Relationships begin. Relationships end. Sometimes they just fade away.

When they begin, the world seems to be full of butterflies and unicorns. Everything the new person does is just so cute and charming. They don't stink. They don't smell. Anything seems possible. Nothing unreachable or unattainable.

But when they end....well, things can get ugly. There can be collateral damage. Children take the burden of it all, I believe. It's not ever their fault yet they are in the middle of a clusterfuck that really has nothing to do with them.

The adults point fingers. They categorically assign blame, real or imagined. They make the ex to be the worst human ever. They forget that they are talking about the mother or father of their children being a "maniac" "delusional" "asshole" "bitch" "crazy".

They forget that at one time they loved and admired that person. They forget the days that their children were born. They forget the rainbows and butterflies.

All that's left is property, custody arrangements, and most the time hard feelings.

In the battle to be right, they forget that they are bonded together in some fashion...forever. Forever is a mighty long time. It's a mighty long time to throw someone under the bus. Oh and lets not forget, if children are involved, you are co-parenting as long as you both shall live. You once thought this person had the qualities that you thought were good enough to procreate with. And now....well now....

This is the last day of our acquaintance

I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love
Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

~Sinead O'Connor

Friendship

Today has me thinking about friendship.

What does it mean to you to be or have a friend? Are you a good friend?

There are times I have been a really shitty friend. There are times I could of been a better friend. There are also times that I have been a good friend.

Where would we be with out our friends? Sometimes friends are our family. We share our joys, triumphs, heartbreak, successes, and fuck ups with friends.

Friendship requires give and take just like any relationship. It requires a connection. Not always having everything in common. Friends make us better people.

Remember the song, make new friends, but keep the old ones? Does it ring true for you? It's never to late to meet new people. It's never too late to repair broken friendships. It's never too late to appreciate the friendships you currently have.

I know as a friend, I have work to do.

Peace Out

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

A circle is round,
it has no end.
That's how long,
I will be your friend.

A fire burns bright,
it warms the heart.
We've been friends,
from the very start.

You have one hand,
I have the other.
Put them together,
We have each other.

Silver is precious,
Gold is too.
I am precious,
and so are you.

You help me,
and I'll help you
and together
we will see it through.

The sky is blue
The Earth is green
I can help
to keep it clean

Across the land
Across the sea
Friends forever
We will always be

Ch Ch Changes

I have not blogged in a while. Partly due to business and partly due to the choas of life...which now that I think about it, is business too.
My family is going through big changes. Mostly all good, yet as we all know change can be stressfull. The most important thing is that we are all healthy. We are all working hard towards harmonious and happy lives. When the time comes, all will be told. Until then...

Peace Out

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