She's Like a Rainbow

She comes in colors ev'rywhere; 
She combs her hair 
She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
everywhere 
She comes in colors 

She comes in colors ev'rywhere; 
She combs her hair 
She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
Oh, everywhere 
She comes in colors 

Have you seen her dressed in blue? 
See the sky in front of you 
And her face is like a sail 
Speck of white so fair and pale 
Have you seen a lady fairer? 

She comes in colors ev'rywhere; 
She combs her hair 
She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
everywhere 
She comes in colors 

Have you seen her all in gold? 
Like a queen in days of old 
She shoots colors all around 
Like a sunset going down 
Have you seen a lady fairer? 

She comes in colors ev'rywhere; 
She combs her hair 
She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
Oh, everywhere 
She comes in colors 

She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
Oh, everywhere 
She comes in colors

I'm Gunna Have to Quit You

Dear Facebook,
You are an asshole. No really...you are.
You used to be so fun and make me feel so liked and connected.
But honestly, these days, I feel nothing other than contempt for you and all the things that I see I am left out of, uninvited to, never invited to, or simply ignored.
You, dear FB, are the ultimate mean girls club. The games, the politics, the religious crap...it's wearing me down.
To be honest I've met another time suck that doesn't make me feel like shit every time I dare to sneak a peek. It's called pinterest. So there. I have another way to waste time!

Peace the Fuck Out

The Ghost of Christmas Past

 Christmas 2006.
I was in the middle of chemo for my second round of breast cancer. I was weak and frail. I couldn't travel for the holidays. So I called my family and asked them to come to me. And being my family they came.
It was a time in my life that I will never forget. Pictured here are Uncle Steve and Cousin Travis. Me with no wig and those two jokers...well look at them!
Thank you for that moment captured forever.

I love ya'll
Maria

Tell Your Tits to Stop Looking at My Eyes

Boobs. Tits. Hooters. Milk Jugs.
WHATEVAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call them what you may. I used to have them. Now I don't. I had them for many years. Then for reasons beyond my control I cut them off. Then for reasons within my control I chose not to replace them.
I have had many people ask me why. Why not get new perfect round plump titties? This blog will help you understand.
Many of you who read this blog have never known the me who had boobs. You may only know me virtually  so of course you don't know what they where like. You may only know me post surgery so you only know the "BONE YARD". You may know me with boobs and now...boobless.
Let me explain...
I liked my boobs. They were useful, even before breast feeding. They were perky and round. They stood up perfectly to gravity. They were an object of desire. They fed my children.

THEY TRIED TO KILL ME

You have breast cancer....
what a shitty thing to hear.

That will bring it all home to you. That will sober you up. That will make you see what's important.
I have done this rodeo TWICE.
Twice I have hacked away at my body. And one may ask....why don't you get new ones. I say, because I don't think the third time will be a charm.
I never took much stock in tits. They are like golden handcuffs. Everyone thinks they are soooo awesome. One may think they are the visualization of sex. If you have them you are worthy of sexual worship. If you don't, where do you belong in the world as a woman? A woman that is desired.
KA-FUCKING-POW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no boobs= no desire???????????????????????????????
really? Have I become half woman? Have I become only half desirable?
Because let's be real, I can walk this earth with my foobs (fake boobs) on and none of you would know the diff.. But because I am bluntly honest, and for the most part choose not to wear them, AND choose to tell my story, I am seen as only half of what I am?
Whoa
Whoa
Let's rethink sexuality. Let's think about being human.
Let's think of the scores of women who have died. The maimed. The scarred.
I can tell you that from where I stand, I choose to live breastless. I choose to save myself, so how dare anyone want me only if I have boobs...man made or natural. Its an insult. My children want their mother alive. They don't care about the status of my body. I am sure that my husbands daughters would give ANYTHING to have their mother at their side. I am positive that my husband loved his first wife although she only had one breast, I am sure he still desired her. I know he would of done ANYTHING to keep her from dying. I know that he completely accepts me as an amputee.  

We all make choices. I am not here to judge them. But perhaps in some very very small tiny way, I am in YOUR life, to make you see that sometimes, if you peek behind the curtain, you will see that what you may see as a -duh i would get me some store bought titties- moment, is not so easy. Maybe you will see that one cannot judge a book by its cover or bra size.
Maybe you will see that I am whole even as not whole.
Maybe you will see I didn't choose this.
Maybe you will see others didn't choose to die.
Maybe you will see that all I want is to hold my grandchildren,
Maybe you will see my pain.
Maybe you will see that decisions are not black and white.

Maybe you will love me unconditionally.

Peace Out

The Whole Fam Damily

Check it off the list...Thanksgiving 2012.
Having a blended family requires patience and flexability. It requires humor and humilty. It requires putting past greivences aside for a better, brighter future.
My husband and I spent the holiday with my baby daddy's family. Sound nuts? Seemed perfectly normal to me. I have been around this family for 12 years. Since before my oldest was born. These are the people who saw me through having babies, moving house, 2 cancers, the demise of a relationship, the beginning of another, a wedding, and ultimately a holiday. A holiday where we all came together, my new addition of husband and two more little girls. Nothing was akward or uncomfortable. Just good times, good food, and lots of laughing.
We all accept each other, warts and all.
Hmmmmm. Warts and all. It sems to be a theme in my life these days. A category that I feel people fall into. Those who love us warts and all and those who.....simply don't. I am making the choice to only be around those who take all of me. Not the perfect, non-offending, well behaved me. The me that fucks up and stumbles and falls. The me that does stupid stuff. The me that says stupid drunk things. The me humbles herself for forgiveness. The me that wants nothing but love, family, and friendship. The me that cries over loss. The me that craves to do good and be kind but doesn't always succeed.
And that's how we rolled this holiday...the whole fam damily.

Peace Out

The Very Good Year

As years go...
The end of a calendar year makes people look back and look forward. A new year kinda feels like a promise. A promise that THIS COULD BE THE YEAR! 
The year for what I ask? I am asking you, the year for what?
I'm going to tell you for what.......
This is the year with no restrictions. No ill feelings. No enemies.
This is the year that I teach my children what it means to live big. How to be kind and generous.
This is the year that I stop being ok with just is, and start pushing for more.
I am honestly sick and fucking tired of this last year. There, I said it. It's been a piece of shit since September.
Go on notice, I'm done. Here's my battle cry- I'm done with the bullshit.

The very good year shall commence and there will be casualties along the way. But that's how this is going to go down. You shed me? I shed you and all the negativity that goes with it.

I'm going to write something and have it published.
I'm going to take tap dancing lessons.
I'm going to teach my children generosity of heart and actions.
I'm going to walk freely where ever I want or don't want and any one can suck it if they don't like it.
I am only going to apologize once. Take it or leave it.
I'm going to travel, hopefully to India.
I'm going to help others.
I'm going to free myself of the guilt of not doing something I don't want to fucking do.
I'm going to say yes to the good and no to the bad.
I'm going to have a kick ass yard and garden.
I'm going to climb a mountain.
I'm not going to do repeats, of anything. It's all new this time around.
I am going to blog freely with out restrictions.
I am going to do a soul search to figure out who my friends really are. If I can only count them on one hand, that's ok. I would rather only have a few that accept me and I them unconditionally, than many that only like me if I don't fuck up.

And, I'm going to miss a lot of people. The well is poisoned. I can't stick around to be tied to the whipping post. I will admit some of it has been in my head and my fault, and some of it was an easy way to find a bad guy.

Peace the fuck OUT

Decisions

This morning was met with an awkward moment. It's been on my mind all day.

On one hand, I didn't want to cause discomfort in the sitch. So I walked away and went and had a really good cup of coffee, sat in the sun, and had a good long think.

My thinking went around and around in circles. A loop that had no ending.

Right now my life is in a whirlwind of change. With change comes......well, change. Stretching and flexing my heart and mind. Going over mistakes I've made. Wishing to change the past doesn't make it so. When you know better you do better.
Decisions need to be made. For the good of all or the good of me?

Peace Out

Warts and All

Come love me warts and all. I am not perfect. I am a flawed human just trying to make it through.


We all, as humans, fall down. We do wrong. We hurt others. We hurt ourselves.

What sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is our ability to be remorseful. To apologize. To grieve the wrong we have done to others or the wrong we feel is done to us.

I will say today, if you read my blog, if I have hurt you in any way...I am sorry. I would take it all back in a heart beat. I would sail the ocean to show you my remorse. I would write it in the sky. I would draw it in the sand. Whatever it took to take away your hurt I would do.

Saying that one is sorry is not always enough. Sometimes people apologize to make themselves feel better. To take away their own guilt. The offended person is still hurting and really couldn't give a shit how the offender feels.


Just accept me and all my fuck ups.
Warts and all.

Peace Out

Birds of a Feather

Birds of a feather flock together, as the saying goes.
This makes me think of being in school and my flock of friends. And now as my own daughters have their own group of friends, I watch them hang around together.Telling each other secrets. Giggling at things I will never know about.
When you have a child, that tiny small human, you know their every sound and move. What cry means what. They have nothing to hide. In reality you as an adult have nothing to hide from them too. It is a pristine moment in time that two humans know everything about each other. You watch your babys cognitive skills grow and can almost see their thoughts develop as they are made.
It's only as the get older that they learn "privacy". They learn what behaviors we accept and don't. They learn to hide things. Sad but true.
On the other hand a parent learns what question to answer when. A slippery slope. When was your first kiss? When did you first have alcohol. Did you ever do drugs. The questions get harder and the delivery of answers must be carefully timed.
Now I see my daughters with their friends and I can tell by their whispers, there are now things I will never know. That's ok with me. They need their friends. Someone they can trust. Someone who is not a parent or authority figure.
I am so grateful that my girls have wonderful friends. They are nice girls. They have their own jokes. Their own likes. It's a part of them all growing up, learning to trust others.
I am not my children's friend. I am their parent. I am not raising children, I am raising adults. The lessons they are taught right now, through every person that touches their lives, will shape them into the adults they will become. I am so thankful for the circle of friends they have. I do have a careful eye on who is in their lives. I hope my children will gravitate towards like individuals. Birds of a feather flock together.

Peace Out

Disaster Preparedness

Sandy, from what I hear and see, is a bitch! She rolled up on the East Coast like she was invited. Believe me she wasn't. She crashed the party. She was mean. Sloppy sloppy. She turned over tables and spilled everybody's drinks. She's a bitch. Nobody likes her. She's never invited back.

The folks on the East Coast are left trying to clean up their lives. Some just in survival mode. We sit and watch the news as if it happened on another planet. It could never happen to you....until it happens to you.
I  have seen on the news great acts of kindness. Neighbor helping neighbor. Humans being, well, human. I am sure there are those preying on the weak. Shame on them I say. There is a nice place in hell reserved for them, if you believe in hell.

This tragedy has left me thinking about my would plot in the world. Where I live and my own neighbors. I have the BEST neighbors. I really do. A true community. People who would help one another. Whether it be in celebration or in times of need and sorrow. We, on our block, have done everything from pumpkin picking to planting flowers up and down the street for spring to uncover. Babies have been born, loved ones have passed away. All marked with gathering to support one another.

If something like Sandy were to roll up in here, in my neck of the woods, I know who I could count on. I hope they know they could call on me too. I think we would band together to get through whatever nature wants to deal out.

Peace Out

November

I am always glad when November arrives. The main reason....October is done. Breast Cancer awareness month is OVER!
Yes, I am jaded and cynical. Yes I am grateful to be healthy. But dayum I get so sick of all the pink. Pink on EVERYTHING.
Here's a list of the following things you can buy that from what I understand if you buy them you won't get breast cancer ;)

Tic Tacs
VW Bug
Hair Spray
Water Bottle
Lettuce
Tires
Yoga Mats
Pencils
Frisbees
Key Chains
Beach Balls
Coffee Mugs
Pedometer

Can you see why the pink wave can be so overwhelming? I have to wonder with alllllll the products that Give proceeds to research, prevention, and the such....Where's the fucking cure?

Women are still dying...where's the cure?

Peace Out

30 days

I've tried this before, this 30 days of blogging. I usually blog when something is on my mind.
This month I need to be mindful 30 days in a row.
Whooooosh, not always an easy task but I am up for the challenge.

Fall has firm grip on us. Leaves are falling. The rain has begun. And I can say with complete certainty that it has not been the easiest of Falls for me.

Gymnastic Monkeys

My Heroine

This is a time I usually cherish. I love the change in seasons. But this year has been different. For many reason yet no reason at all.
Maybe this post I should just start with pictures from the summer and the good times.

Sometimes you just gotta go!

From my favorite movies.

This is Mr Fuzzy Pants. I watch him from my window when on the computer.

This is my tree climbing monkey Elliot.

Summer date in the verti.

Peace Out

Pick Me, Pick Me

Its really windy tonight. Leaves are swirling all over the streets of downtown Seattle.
As I was walking around...gusts of wind pushed me down the street. There were leaves that had already jumped ship from their Mother Tree. It seemed as if the ones left on the branches were waiting for their chance. As if to say...pick me, pick me!
Don't we all want that feeling? We all want to be the one chosen. So I watched the beauty of leaves doing their dance. I was in awe of the grace of them spinning in circles. I felt like the ones skipping ahead of me were showing me the way down the street. Almost giggling at the air that gave them lift.
It was humbling and gorgeous to watch. I feel honored to be witness to their games of chase.

Peace Out

Miss you like crazy

I miss you. I miss everything you gave me. I miss how much you appreciated what I gave you.
You were like a gift. Your humor. I got you and you got me. We were so dark and lovely.
My heart hurts that I can no longer speak to you. My heart hurts that without warning....or warning I couldn't see, you were suddenly gone. I shoulder the fact that I thought you would be here for a long time.
You had to go. I couldn't stop that. There were other things whispering in your ear. I understand. I really do. Things beyond your control. Your time came and you had to go.
I just want you to know that there is a empty place inside of me. A hole punched out. Your time was not enough. I wring my hands not knowing what to do with them. I shuffle my feet wondering where to walk without you.
My jokes go misunderstood without your sick humor. Our sick humor.
I miss you like crazy...

Peace Out

Finite

I was thinking today, as I was driving around, that I love fall. I always have. But this year, I feel like fall is passing me by. I am not paying attention this year. The leaves are turning but I feel like I am not basking in the change.
Which led me to think about the finite things in life. Because if you think about it, we only get so many falls.
I need to sit up and take notice. Notice of sooooooo many things that we all will only have so many of...


Heartbeats
Newspapers read
Winters
Springs
Falls
Summers
Blinks
Books read
Children
Tears
Laughs
Manicures
Pedicures
Movies seen

I could go on and on. I am going to dial into this fall.
The one thing that I can promise will never ever ever be finite...
How much I love my children.

Peace Out

As always.....

29 FO EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here it comes again. Just like it does every year....the anniversary of my 29th birthday.
Eleven and six years out from meeting that bastard. You know what I speak of Dear Reader!
Anyhoodle,
I was thinking this week that it seems every year seems like a triumph to be alive another year. That's what people like me do, we count every year. But I think I need to stop the counting of years away and start the counting of good times ahead. Really good times.
I have chosen to pretty much remove myself from the cancer world so why give it another thought?
Time wants to march on, but my age doesn't. Bwa!
So here is a small list of things I would like in my counting of the good times.
(Clears throat here)

My children to be happy
To win a lottery of any amount
More travel of the world
Less tears and my shitty attitude
Flowers in my house all the time
Outdoor movies every summer
Feeding my friends and family around my table all the time
Sweet whispers
Kindness of epic proportions
Seeing my friends I hardly see more often
Less judgement
LEARNING TO PLAY THE GUITAR!!!!!!!
Diet Coke to come in I.V. form
Fashion magazines to go bankrupt
Brandi Carlile to be my BFF
To own an original Frida Kahlo painting

I have my work cut out for me for many years. Let's roll!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out

“Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?” 
― Frida Kahlo

Let It Bend

reposted but fitting

Brandi Carlile

Around here, it's the hardest time of year 
Waking up, the days are even gone 
The collar of my coat 
Lord help me, cannot help the cold 
The raindrops sting my eyes 
I keep them closed. 

But I'm feelin' no pain 
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend 
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in? 
Say it aint so, say I'm happy again 

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming, 
Say I'm better than you left me 
Say you're sorry, I can take it 
Say you'll wait, say you won't 
Say you love me, say you don't 
I can make my own mistakes 
Let it bend before it breaks 

I'm all right. Don't I seem to be? 
Aren't I swinging on the stars? 
Don't I wear them on my sleeve? 
When you're looking for a crossroads, 
It happens every day 
And whichever way you turn, 
I'm gonna turn the other way 

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming, 
Say I'm better than you left me 
Say you're sorry, I can take it 
Say you'll wait, say you won't 
Say you love me, say you don't 
I can make my own mistakes 
Learn to let it bend before it breaks 

Say it's over say I'm dreaming, 
Say I'm better than you left me 
Say you're sorry, I can take it 
Say you'll wait, say you won't 
Say you love me, say you don't 
I can make my own mistakes 
Let it bend before it breaks 

Pure Fuckery

I title this post pure fuckery.
Because sometimes that's what happens.
I have been hit in the gut tonight with the news that a breast cancer survivor has died. Here's the fuckery....she died of a blood clot after having her much wanted 4th child 9 days ago. I cannot wrap my mind around this. I just cannot.
I have exchanged messages with her through the last 6 years. I saw her proudly beaming in pictures with her 4th child just last week.
I saw her post on facebook that she had to go back to the hospital this week because of an infection.
Then BLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's gone. A blood clot.
Not the hideous disease that she fought so hard against and advocated about.
I mourn her. I mourn her.
And then my next thought is FUCK YOU CANCER YOU ASSHOLE VILLIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You didn't get to take her. It was her time and you had NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
How twisted is it? How deranged am I for laughing in the face of the demon I know all too well, because this time, it did not win.
Yet still.....it's pure fuckery. Children left without their mother. A man left without his wife. Horrible horrible horrible. Confusing and cruel.
Tears running down my face all the while. I don't understand.

Girlfriendship

At the ripe ol' age of 45, I find that there is an age old issue that starts in grade school and goes on until, I suppose, the last day of our lives. It is mostly a woman thing. Girls start it young and carry it through their lives.
It's girlfriend jealously. It's third wheel syndrome. Ladies.....ya'll all know what I'm talking about. Sucks huh?
I have no idea how it happens. I have been on all sides of this situation. I know where I prefer to be.
Sometimes a shift comes with in a group of woman overnight.
I think women need their friendships with other women. Men are built completely different than us gals, duh. I was talking to my husband about this yesterday and he commented that men never think about this shit. Lucky boys!!
Do woman not have the capacity to be close to multiple woman? Or do we care too much about if we are liked or not? Maybe both.
My first instinct when I feel this way is to completely walk away. Shut the door and my feelings won't get hurt. Go under the radar.
And that is what has led me to this blog. I don't like the feeling that I am good enough to be shown girlfriendship when it's needed. The when it's not, I am on the side of the road, not knowing when the shift came. I am still calling, extending invitations, texting, making fun plans. It takes me a while until I realize, hey, this is becoming one sided. Then I'm mad, then I'm hurt, Then I shut the door. I go and lick my wounds and forget until the next time I feel friended again.
I don't want to be needy. I don't anyone to feel like they have to emotionally babysit me. Nor do I want to be on the other side of that.
I just want to be friends. I just want to have friends.
One has to be a friend to keep a friend. I have not always done a good job of that, I will admit. But I have been working on that in my life as I mature. I will say I have really been getting better at being a friend.
Maybe right now, I should ride a unicycle.

Peace Out

The First Decade

My sweet pickle. My butter bean.
My baby turned 10 this week. TEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where did the time go?
Did it go to dancing, playing, singing, running, crying, giggles, swimming, climbing, jumping, bicycles, school, friends?

Time went to all of that and more.

Let me tell you about my girl.
She was born on July 14th. It was not an easy birth. It was long and painful, like birthing can typically be.
I did not know much about raisin no babies. She was my first child, I was her first mommy. We moved forward day by day, both of us getting to know each other.
She's a funny girl. I used to tell her father, if she has your looks and my humor, she'll be set!
Well, if you know her....she is my mini me. And honestly has awesome comedic timing!!
She loves her family. She loves her friends. She is loyal and kind.
She loves to play soccer, and run, and comb her hair. Yes, comb her hair. If hair combing was an Olympic Sport, she would win a gold medal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday baby!
I love you more than air,
Mommy

Hot Fun in the Summa Time

Happy first day of Summer.
Doesn't that sentence hold so much hope in it? Like one could do anything and not fail.

I have not blogged in a while. Spring was nuts with a trip to Disney, two auctions, and the end of school, which becomes an event of it's own.
All the girls finished school last Friday.
We had Father's Day Bloody Larry's and then me and some gal pal took off for the beach with a whole mess of kiddos.

We have some new additions to our household.... Can't wait to meet them!

Today I stared at the beach for a few good hours. And the beach stared right back at me. We are so perfect  together!

I had the end of year teachers luncheon at my house last week. It was fun and the food was good.

I started on a Bocce team and now I am living the bocce life. Full on.

Craig and I had then enormous pleasure of going to prom. Like my dress?

Introducing Esme Caroline. I got to hold her the day she was born!!!!!

I got a new rig. I call it the big black badass jeep

Add caption

Going to one of our Spring auctions. Gettin all dressed up!

So needless to say we have been very busy! I say bring it summer and all you may have to offer!

Peace Out

Hump Day

Happy Hump Day Folks!
It is the middle of the week. This means a few things to me. All good things.
It means the weekend is looking down the barrel at me. And I like that.
It means that I have a great deal of Maria time. (Get your mind outta the gutter) Let me explain...
No kids from 8:15-2:00
Then kids for 30 mins
Then no kids.
It's like a mini weekend for me. I can go to a movie, I can shop, I can nap. Whateves!!!!!
I love it.
I so say to you

I SALUTE YOU HUMP DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out

Debbie Downer

Yep, I will have to own this title.
I am not usually a show my ass kind of blogger. I don't want to use this form to air my dirty laundry.
Two things hit me hard in the last few weeks and I vomited it all across the universe with my blog.
Dude, I will get a grip!
So please keep reading. Not all my blogs are such a downer. I am fine, my fam is fine.
Disney was waaaaaaay too much. I am NOT a Pollyanna type gal. Maybe all the happy happy joy joy got to me. I prefer my dark jaded side.
And yes, my mamma did tell me I was special. I was just really digging on some special-ness. I hope to get it back. We all like attention don't we? Gawd, what a dirty hooker I am.
Spring freak is over, schedule back on....Let's do this thang.

Peace Out

My Mom Thinks I'm Special

Every one wants to feel special. We all want that good feeling. Sometimes its little things. Sometimes its big things.
We love that warm fuzzy feeling. Then when its taken away, when we find out we are just a part of herd, it hurts. Like a pinch under your arm.
A really fuckin hard pinch.
A blow to the ego. I will be completely frank and honest here..I was feelin special. Just so very loverly. And then I realized....umph....I'm neither more or less than the next person. I just am. I hate that rug pulled out from under me feeling.
So I'm feelin a little tender dearest reader. A little bruised. Falling back to earth with a resounding thud.
I want to sit in the corner and lick my wounds. I want my specialness back.

Peace Out

Baby Davey is 40

A very very very dear friend of mine is turning 40 this weekend. Dave is one of the kindest humans I know. He is real. He is genuine. He is funny. He is a husband and father. He is a son, and a brother. He is a friend that anyone on this planet would be so lucky to have. And I am one lucky girl cuz he is my friend!
Happy Birthday Baby Dave!
I lurve you 25/8/366!!
Peace Out

Do Dreams Really Do Come True?

I have been in Dizzzznyland this week for spring break. Me and my whole famn damily. What I thought would be magical has been a little slice of hell. Due to some family dynamics and such....it has not all been fun and games.
It all hit me tonight while seeing a Mickey Mouse show, where good over comes evil, it dawned on me that that is not really true. Good does not always prevail. Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes evil wins. Sometimes hard times takes the cake.
I have had a really shitty day. I am old enough to know that bad days pass. But seeing that Mickey Mouse show tonight hit me like a ton of bricks.
Sometimes dreams don't come true. That really pisses me off. I want to go home...

Peace Out

The What Ifs pt 7,800,0283,802,9830

I am stinkin tired today. The what ifs came for a midnight visit and didn't leave until 6 a.m.. Those fuckers know how to party!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night they were loud and obnoxious. Making way too much noise in my head. The following is what they left me to clean up......

What if I never see my favorite beach in Thailand again?
What if the sky is falling?
What if I become allergic to beer?
What if I win the lottery?
What if one of my kids wins and oscar? Cuz the are ALL about the drama!
What if I gain 50 pounds overnight and have no clothes that fit me in the morning?
What if they canceled pinterest?
What if Bachelor Ben really does marry that crazy bitch?
What if I grow my toe nails so long that I can't wear shoes?
What if there is a cure for the common cold?
What if I get asked to be on DWTS?
What if I color my hair blond?
What if I never get a French Bulldog?
What if these dogs we have now NEVER FREAK-ING DIE???????????????
What if I teach my kids to do all the laundry?
What if I became a body builder?
What if I become a race car driver?


No wonder  I can't sleep! So many questions.

Peace Out

Well shit....

I just read a new friends blog about loosing her daughter in utero.
Here's the thing that shocks me on a more global level...
We all walk around this world with our own story. No two are ever alike. They could be parallel or have similar qualities. We may or may or may not know our friends story. Maybe we walk by strangers everyday that we have more in common with than we will ever know.
You/We don't get to this age with out heart ache. with out knowing loss.
My husband lost his wife to cancer. Her children lost their mother. My friend lost a baby for some unknown reason.
One just never knows what lurks behind the mask we all wear.
I feel sad for this gal. It was a few years ago. I didn't know her. But now I do and some puzzle pieces come together in my mind about her. It makes me appreciate her even more. I am not appreciating her loss, but her presence in the world, in my world. I get where the dry funny dark remarks come from. Remarks I enjoy on a daily basis!!!!

Peace Out

Things I will Give Up For Lent

Today being Fat Tuesday, means tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday means the beginning of Lent. Lent is a fasting and abstinence of sorts.

And so Dearest Reader, I have done some inner evaluation and come up with a list of things that I will be giving up for Lent.

Passive-Aggressive people

Biting my finger nails

cancer

Smelly farts

Bad customer service

Sassy talk from my children

Warm beer

Bad Mexican food

Pleats

Poorly tweezed eyebrows

Sensationilistic nighty newa

Temperatures above 85 degrees

Recycling EVERY SINGLE THING

Dogs that smell like ass

Ass that smells like ass

Any clothing with brand names showing

Milk

My gunt

AirSupply

Wire frame glasses

Hell, I could go on and on...but I won't.

Peace Out

Home

We have been home since Friday. It's good to be home. But we cannot sleep. We are still on Thailand time which is 15 hours ahead of Seattle. I have four little girls that don't care that my body thinks it's bedtime at 9 in the morning here. And so I am a bit sleep deprived. It will pass.
It's always a culture shock to go to, and return from, a foreign country. But I gotta tell you, the whole Whitney Houston thing.....it's has no boundaries. Every elevator we got in was playing some thing by her. Every cab ride had the radio with her singing. People would ask us where we are from and after we would say USA they would start chanting WHITNEY HOUSTON!!!!!!! It was nuts! We were even in a bar in our hotel with a lounge singer. She did a WH tribute. We could not escape knowing that children are our future.
There was a bombing in Bangkok and the daily paper featured that and WH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyhoo,
We had a great time! We are so glad to be home. And now I wanna dance with somebody!

Peace Out

Same Same but Different

 

last time i came to thailand, i kept seeing a saying..same same but different. i like the thought of it. i liked the way it rolled off my tongue. but until returning this time didn't  really understand the meaning. now i have this lightbulb moment. all IS the same, but yet its not. the same is the culture, the people, the food, the weather. the different is, time marches on, no matter how slowly. bangkok has changed the tiniest bit, it's very subtle.
now my sweet little getaway island, not so much. the resort i stay at is exactly the same. the staff is the same. they remebered me. the girl at the front desk came out with sweet hugs and words of welcome. just as she did the last time i left early in the morning, vowing to return.
and now i have...on my honeymoon. showing my hubs all the wonders of thailand and this magical island.
i miss my children terribly, but know they are in good hands.


peace out