Click Your Heels

I woke up this morning crying from a dream I was having. I kept saying over and over that I just want to go back, as I was holding a baby, that was also crying and together we were wailing of the thought of being where we had been. I think the baby wanted to go back to the womb and I know I wanted to go back to before I started the cancer/chemo journey. I feel raw. What scares me is that I am not even in the middle of the experience and I feel this raw.
A friend of mine spoke to me yesterday about entering a tunnel, and knowing on the back side of that tunnel she would have the things she needed and wanted for her life. Her fear is what's in the tunnel. So she does not enter. Not to steal her thunder of her voyage, but I can see why she doesn't want to be in the tunnel. THE TUNNEL SUCKS. Metaphorically, my tunnel entrance is sealed shut and I cannot see the light at the end. It's dark and it's unpleasant. I have no feelings of getting better at this point. Nor should I. That's not where I am in my treatment. Just the same, I feel raw and on the edge.
Some one who loves me a lot, said to me the other day, Why do you have to be so hard (saying hard for lack of a better word) And I said because I have to. I cannot start sliding down the slope of self pity. You think I may be kidding but I am not. I will go under for a while. I cannot let my guard down too much. If I do, I will run under the covers and not come back out for a very long time. This is how I am hardwired. When you go through chemo feel free to do things your own way.
It's a double edged sword. On one hand feel I the need to do as much normal stuff as I can and on the other hand I am sad and tired.
I want to go back. I want to feel healthy and energetic. Especially now during the holidays. But no matter what I eat or how much I sleep and rest, I feel the same. I want to go work out and get that workout high again!!!! I just want to go back. Because I have no idea what life after chemo feels like, it's hard to know what to expect. I would like a normal day, where I wake up and work out out, feel like going to the park with the girls and actually making dinner for the evening. No headaches, no wooziness, no shots. No saddness, no cold bald head. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I have been trying extra hard not to ask for help from my friends lately. I feel like that if things really get bad down the road, I don't want to burn anyone out at the tunnel entrance. So I have kept to myself and been a bit introverted. The girls still need food and bathing and attention. Those things can I do at a slow pace.
So I want to go back to a place that doesn't exist for me. Time will only tell what the new one will look like.

Peace Out