The Flip Side

Many a time on this blog I have mentioned that I will see you on the flip side. Today while I was at the hospital having my wonder drug pump into my body, I thought to myself....hey, this is the flip side!
This is where I dreamed to be last September. Here I am.
What's the flip side like? Well, hair is involved. EVERYWHERE. Working out, trying to eat healthy. Still getting treatment but feeling strong. Hope. Looking at my children with amazement. No more poison running through my body. Some new friendships. Travel. Getting ready for summer. My body looks like a war zone. Always will now.
Somethings have changed and some things have stayed the same. I can't really say that after going through all this I have found new meaning in religion or I have turned a new leaf from being cynical and jaded. Oh contraire mon frare. I am still that woman. I will say though, that some things I used to think were so important are not so much anymore and vice versa. I have no time for foolishness. I mean what I say and say what I mean. Cancer has given me the luxury of no longer dancing around issues so that everyone feels good. If something doesn't feel right I will speak up even if it is not popular. No more elephants in the middle of the room.
Here's the deal:
If cancer hasn't changed me to be who you want me to be, then you sure as hell won't.
I have a path. I am on it. The flip side is good.

Peace Out


If I tell you what you want to hear will it help you to sleep well at night
Are you sure that Im your perfect dear now just cuddle up and sleep tight
Im hungry
Im dirty
Im losing my mind
Everythings fine
Im freezing
Im starving
Im bleeding to death
Everythings fine

I miss you
I love you.
-Tracey Bonham

Win Place Show

We welcome Spring!!!!
We've had some nice days lately. It's nice to have some sunshine.
Last Friday night we went to opening day at the horse races. It was packed and really fun. The girls loved seeing the horses and watching them run by. I had never been before. Have you?
We then went to have BBQ and there they had some piano playing. The girls we dancin' in their seats and had a grand time.
We are bound for Mexico in two weeks. We all need to unwind and relax after this last year. We will be joining Steve, Marci, Travis, and Rika, in a 3 bedroom suite. I am ready to see the beach and ocean. I am ready to have the sun shine on my face and see some beautiful sunsets!
Hair Report: I now look like I have a very butchy short hair cut. Not one I would choose normally, but I will take what I can get. I also have brows and lashes now!! Yay!
I have never sat the girls down and explain that I have had BREAST CANCER. They ask very few questions and roll with the punches. Well, last night we were watching a show about Lance Armstrong. Elliot looked at me and said, "Mommy, they just said he has cancer." I said yes, they did, and then she says, "Just like you." I looked at Anthony and he at me, and at that moment I could not breath. She totally gets it. I have never shied away from any questions that she has asked me, but she rarely asks much. To her, it is what it is. She said it so matter of factly. Like, it's normal. Ok then, so it is. She's a rock star.
Tomorrow I go in for treatment. I plan to take a little nap and enjoy some quiet time to myself. Funny, how going to the hospital is now down time for me. That is so messed up :)


Win: Me
Place: Surgery
Show: Chemo

Cancer didn't even finish the race :)

Peace Out

How Many Corners Do I Have To Turn?

Sometimes you turn a corner and a door is open. Sometimes you turn a corner and it is closed. I have met both outcomes in my life. Every outcome has been for the best. At the time I did not know that. Seeing a door shut sometimes means the end. Sometimes you have to kick it open.
I am proud of all my corners. I am proud of my scars. In a very twisted way I am proud to have breast cancer. I am proud of the life I have lived and that I am living. I look in the mirror and I am at peace.
I am a fighter by nature. It only seems fit that I have chosen the door marked "The hard road" more than once.
Does it seem that I write the same crap every blog? Does it seem redundant? Sometimes I wonder...
I was thinking about how much I love my children last night. OMG I love them. They are getting so big. I can't stop the train from rolling. Ya know? Elliot is going to big girl school this fall and Wyatt is potty trained. Where does the time go?
The road is never straight is it?

Peace Out

I Dream of Geneology

I have been here in Texas this week. It snowed this morning. I call home to Seattle and hear it's 75 degrees and sunny. No warm skies down here.
My paternal grandparents lived in Denver CO. My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago and just this spring my dad and his brother had to put my grandfather in an assisted living facility for dementia. They packed up his house and put it on the market to sell. This house was bought after my grandfather got out of WWII. My dad and uncle were raised in this house their wholes lives. That was the house where my memories of my grandparents live. I knew all the hiding places. I knew where to find my grandma's hats to play dress up. We all loved that house.
When packing up, my dad brought hundreds of pictures of our family, home to his house in Texas. Aunts, uncles, cousins, great grandparents, great great grandparents, outlaws, inlaws, blacksheep, you name it!
I look at these pictures trying to find recognition. Looking for someone whom I look like. An eye shape, nose shape, anything that connects me. I have 3 great aunts who have had breast cancer. Two are still living and one died of Alzheimer's. If it ain't one thing it's another.
I see pictures taken in Italy and Ireland, before they immigrated to the United States. My great grandmother Dominica Fanganello was a W.O.P. when she arrived with her family to New York. With out Papers. The term WOP held on the Italian immigrants and so the slang word stuck.
They heard you could find work in Colorado and made their way to Denver to work in fields. My Great Great Grandmother Fanganello was on the cover of life magazine. She was pictured in a field, stooped over picking vegetables. She was living the American dream at that time. Making money doing what no one else would do.
I am going to bring all these photos home with me so that someday I can pass them to my children. I am proud of my fore fathers and mothers. I hope they will be too.

Peace Out

Leavin' On A Jetplane

Tomorrow, the girls and I are going to Texas to see my folks. We haven't been down the since last March and I need some southern love.
I was planning to go in June, but due to my lack of transportation, I thought, why not go now? So I re-arranged doing H from Thursday to Monday, and off we go. Two kids and a four hour plane ride. Can you say Benedryl?
We will be there for Easter, which should really be fun. I am not too sure the weather will be much better though. I looked at weather.com and it looks rainy. Oh well...
Happy Easter!!!

Peace Out

Hey Dude, Where's My Car?

KA-BOOM
I had a wreck yesterday. My car.....
It's a done deal.
I could tell you that it is all for the best and really, it is. We need a car with a bit more space, but this was not how I wanted to go about it. Issaquah is not made for one car families. Believe me I know because when Elliot was a baby and we moved out here we only had one car. It sucked. Big time. Now that I have two kids I don't look forward to being down to one vehicle.
No one was hurt, just shook up a bit. We now embark on the journey of finding a new car. This will more than likely take FOREVER. I have been with A long enough to know that this process is never easy for him and in turn it will not be easy on me.

Peace Out

Things I Love

Besides the obvious-Family, Children, Partner...
Just a list of things I love, in no particular order.

Target
Playland at Fred Meyer
Chicken Fried Steak
Diet Coke
My GE Profile Stainless Steele refrigerator
Fall
Rain
My Tiffiany's bracelet with Elliot's name inscribed on it
Jeep's (I used to own one)
The color red
People magazine
My hair (when it have it)
Painted toenails
Mexican food
Costco
Costco hotdogs
Shoes
Chai Tea
My deck
Frida Khalo
My surgeon Dr Bock
Smelling clean laundry
My king size bed
Reality TV
Survivor
Rachael Ray Magazine (not the show!)
Thai food

More to come...

For The Record...

I will live a long healthy happy life.

Peace Out

My Latest Obsession

I have a new past time...
Growing my hair. I am OBSESSED. Sometimes I check it hourly. Somedays I have to force myself not to look so that I can see some growth. My eyelashes and eyebrows are coming in nicely. My brows look like a caterpillar because I refuse to pluck one beautiful hair. I have never dyed my hair. I have been able to keep up with the gray hairs by pulling them out. I know, I know, you should never pull out a gray hair because four more will come back. NOT TRUE.
Anyhoo, I now vow I will never ever never pull a hair out of my head again. They are just too precious! After being bald I cannot waste a single strand.
I am even putting mascara on my lash nubs. If I grew chest hair at this point I would leave it. Maybe I will be warmer now that my body hair is growing back.
I even bought razors the other day with plans to shave my legs soon. For those of you who think shaving is a drag, I cannot explain to you how much I look forward to something as mundane as shaving!!!!! It's all relative isn't it?
So that's my life today. Exciting as watching hair grow. :)

Peace Out

Living Life By The Drip

I went to have H last Thursday.
drip. drip. drip.
I watch my life in drips. The nurses make sure I get every last drop. Even when the machine starts beeping they come and reset it so that I get every morsel from the I.V. bag.
drip.drip.drip.
Counting life by the drip.
I have had a cold again. Not as bad as a couple of weeks ago. Maybe my immune system is getting stronger and had the power to fight this one a little better.
I went to my support group last night. What a bunch of courageous women I sat among. At times not feeling worthy of their company. We all have a different story. We all have aches and pains. We all have fear and hope. We are the same yet different. We are different yet the same.
We are all counting the drips until we feel healthy and safe again.

Peace Out

Inshallah

If God wills.
What a simple word. Did you know that there is no word in the English language that covers this?
Inshallah.
It's hard to let go and let God's will be what it is.
I am pro choice. I mean that across the board. We all have choices we make in faith, morales, lifestyles, whatever. Who am I to tell you otherwise? Who are you to tell me? We do not live in glass houses. We are mere mortals that have no right to put our THANG onto others.
I don't care if you pray to a tree. I don't care if you pray to Allah, or God, or Buddha. You have that choice in my world.
Inshallah. I am chewing on that word. I am thinking about the future. I am thinking about the peace that word brings to me. Maybe it will bring you some too...

Peace Out

Not Ready To Make Nice

I will not forgive and forget. I will not forgive cancer for what it has done to me and my family. It is inexcusable to put ANYONE through what we have been through. The fear, the sorrow, the pain, the grief.
I am not friends with cancer. I am not at peace with the fact that I have had cancer. It's not O.K.. My body looks like a war zone on the outside. Who knows what it's like on the inside. I have been drugged, poisoned, cut open, stripped, humiliated.
Am I bitter? Hell yes. I pray you never have to walk in my shoes to let me know if you'd be bitter too.
I hate you cancer.
You're ugly.
Good for nothin'.
I wish I never heard your name.
So go on.
Get out of here.
Do not darken my doorstep again.
I'm through with you and your kind.




I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
-Dixie Chicks

My Lady Lumps

I don't know how much I have written about my boobies. I will dedicate this entry to them.

My cans
My boobs
My boobies
My tits
My sacks
My hooters
My lumps
My ta-tas
My jugs

In my hayday they were quite cute and perky. Of course I was too stupid to know that. Time marched on...
One boob had surgery
One boob nursed two children for 30 months total.
They were not lookin' so great, but I'll tell you that if they were healthy, I sure would love to have them back.
That's another story...
Having them both cut off means not dealing with a breast cancer again. It means never wearing a jog bra again. It means never seeing them sag more and more each year.
But it also means my girls never get to cuddle up to the warm mushiness of them again. That's really the part that gets me, because they loved them. To them, they were comfort and a soft place to land. Not what society has made them to be. I feel women are judged to a certain degree on their value as a symbol of sex on their breast size. Men, of course, can hide that small penis thing until the light get low.
So now I have my little cutlets and my new bras. My tits look GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean these things are my boobs of when I was 25! They will never sag. How cool is that?
It's nice to look down and see them. Two old friends.
My friend Kristina will be having some reconstruction surgery tomorrow. Put her on your prayer wheel would ya?

Peace Out



All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go!
-Fergie

Sometimes You Have to Know When to Say When

There are things in this life that sometimes just don't work. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing that. On paper these things should work out but in real life they just don't. I would think that after the time I have been on earth, I would just say-oh, that's not gonna pan out.
If after this chemo, I plan on being so honest and straight forward, then I better get there with myself too. I need to do some emotional house cleaning. I need to stop trying to make relationships work that just don't.I can't make someone happy or want to be my friend if in turn they don't want it too.
No hard feelings though. I really mean that. I am only 4 weeks out from my last"chemo. " I have yet to feel really great, which has given me a little time to think how I would like my life and relationships to be going forward.
I also have to look at myself and know these last five months, I have not been the most giving of friends. I haven't had it in me. I think this has all ruined my street cred.
So in saying all that, it's time for me to let go of some things. It's time to say when. It's getting too hard to try and keep connecting. I have to let it all go or I will go insane wondering what I did and when I did it.

Peace Out

Breast Cancer 3Day Walk

Most of you that read this blog have been emailed by now that I am fund raising for the Breast Cancer 3Day walk. I will walk 60 miles in 3 days on a team of INCREDIBLE women. Some of them survivors and some of them supporters. I am inspired and excited!!!!!
I have to give a great amount of credit to Kristina Surface. I cam across her blog months ago while in chemo treatment and then again last week. This year will be her second year to do the walk. I have latched on to her team. I don't believe in accidents anymore. I believe that she was put in my path for a purpose. She is a motivator and articulate speaker. If you are around her or any of her friends you would know you are in the presence of good, kind folks.
I went to her house this last week for a little get together of women interested in the walk. I AM ONBOARD!!!!!!
I have raised $650 due to some awesome donations. I personally do not see a dime of this money...BUT I do see it by proxy. I see it through there being a cure in my lifetime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have said this on my email and on my webpage:
I will do this walk for those who come before, with, and after me.
I will do this walk for my daughters whom I love more than air.
I will do this walk to see my grandchildren and hold them in my arms.
I will do this walk so that I will never get a call from a loved one telling me they have breast cancer.
I will do this walk so that my partner and I will see each other grow old.
I will do this walk for all of us.
I will do this walk because cancer freakin' sucks.
This walk means a lot to me this year. I say this year because I know I will do it EVERY year as long as I am breathing.
Please check out my webpage:
http://www.the3day.org/seattle07/mariaewing

Peace Out

Tales From The Edge

I feel random.
I have a had a nasty cold for seven days. My last chemo was two weeks ago and I am sure my immune system was low when I caught the little devil and it's taken me a while to recover. It has not been fun. I had it in my head that as soon as chemo was done I was getting on the fast rack to getting in shape again and I have done nothing to attain that goal. Edna was here, we did a lot of work on the house and I got sick the day after she left. I have not been the picture of health and that makes me surly.
I am ready for spring and to be warm again.
I have whiskers on my head and all parts of my body.
I am ready to go back to the gym.
I am thinking about doing the 3-day walk for breast cancer. I am not worried about the walk. I am worried about raising $2,200. I am not a fund raiser. I'll let you know if I decide to do it.
Elliot has this next week off from school.
I am potty training Wyatt this week.
Have you heard about The Secret?
I got my new new boobies and they are high water C's.
We got new lights for the entry and dining room.
Random I say. Just random stuff.
This Thursday I go in for my monthly dose of H. Should be short and sweet.

Peace Out

Fake It Till You Make It

I am going to buy some boobies this week. Some cutlets. Some fillets.
Before I do, I have to remark on something that I have noticed...
Nothing feels as good as the real thing. Whether it be eye lashes, hair, fingernails, whatever, the real thing always wins in my book. Because of this fact, I feel cautiously optimistic about buying new boobies.
I thought and wrote, before I had chemo, that I would be a drag queen during this time of hairlessness. But you know what? I don't really like wearing all this grab. These get ups (that's for you Buckethead!) I will say I can see the time saved without shaving and doing my hair. The fake lashes and wig come at a price and that price is comfort. I have taken to walking around hatless these days. I have too many hot flashes to keep my hat on. So I endure the sideway looks. Today a little girl told her mommy that I didn't have any hair. Yes, it was the innocence of a child. No, it didn't bother me. I just waved and kept on my way.
So I hope I like my new lady lumps.
Edna has been in town all week helping me and Anthony do some projects around the house. We could not have gotten all these things done without her. Tons of painting and organizing. Our house has a little face lift. Funny what a little paint and some new towels can do!
Here's a shout out to Jacqueline- Happy bday. You rock.
I will fill ya'll in on my filling out.

Peace Out

So Long, Farwell, Auf weidersehn

Done.
Over.
Fin.
Adios.
Finis.
Goodbye.
Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
I am done with chemo. Since the day I started, I have waited for February 1, 2007, and it finally arrived. Although I will do H for a year, potentially 2 years, it ain't chemo. Hair can grow back, energy can come back. Life can become a new kind of normal. Whatever that is.
I had some visitors come to this final day. Jason, Desiree, Patty, Edna, Milica, and Anthony, all saw me through this. I held the last I.V. bag of T and said goodbye. The nurses came and sang to me. Desiree made me a hat that said- No More Chemo Princess- and some bells to ring my way out. Thank you D.
This journey has been long and hard. I don't wish it on anyone.
Thank you to all who have sent me good thoughts and good vibes and prayers. Thank you to all who have helped me with my girls and food and my house. Thank you too all who have listened to my laundry list of complaints.
Thank God it's over.

Peace Out.

Without The Bitter There Ain't No Sweet

Just a couple of more days and I will have my last chemo. Funnily enough, this doesn't evoke much excitement in anyone but me. Really why should it? There are those have been on this journey with me, but no one could actually take the chemo for me. So as I approach this day that I have been waiting for, for months, it goes out with a fizzle rather than the bang I imagined. To be honest, I am quite tired of me and my story. I could never think that others aren't too. It's not like I will walk out of the hospital on Thursday and have a full head of hair and feel completely restored. I haven't been at a spa for 4 months.
Thursday morning will arrive and I will do my chemo routine and then come home. I will also be starting the next phase of treatment that I will do every three weeks for a year. The main side effect of H is heart damage. Next Monday I will have a heart scan to get a base line of how my heart functions now. Then every three months I will get a scan to make sure H is not taking too much a toll on the ol' ticker. If so, we will back off a couple of months and then go from there. I guess this ain't over by a long shot. It's not chemo though and that's sweet.
So if you are my friend, in for a penny, in for a pound. It really is a lot huh? You can exit now, now questions asked. Cancer/Chemo/Illness/Surgery. They all test the strongest of relationships. People come and go, but the patient is still the patient. Illness is not a fair weather friend. It likes to hang out for a LOOOONNNNNG TIME. Illness never is late for an appointment. Illness stays with you through thick and thin. Illness is with you through all your treatments. Illness is with you in the middle of the night when you can't sleep. Illness doesn't care if your tired and don't want to talk. Illness is always there to talk about....Illness.
I look back at these last months as a blur. Sometime in disbelief. Sometimes I pass a mirror and don't recognize myself. There have been days that I was as low as I have every felt. There have been days when I almost feel as good as I ever have. I have never known what to expect from day to day. It is very much my nature to not ask for help. I have tried to keep my asking to a minimum, always scared that at some point I would need a lot, and then I would be asking a lot. I have seen the sadness in my partner's eyes. He, not knowing what to do at times to comfort me. I have seen him worried. I have seen my children come through this while their innocence in tact. Never worse for the wear. Just ready for mommy to be able to play more. I have had two friends that always make sure a I a chemo day treat.
I have lived a lot in these past months while trying to do things to keep me alive. I can see it in my face. I have aged. I am not talking vanity here. I am talking aging from worry and fear and feeling sick. Not good for the skin.
Without the bitter of this experience, there would be no sweet in the days to come.

Peace Out

Sometimes Your Hat Is An Airconditioner

I use my hat as an air conditioner. I get cold I put it on. I get hot I take it off. Isn't that convenient? If life could always be that simple.
Thursday was A's bday and we went to the mountains to go sledding. We had a blast. Elliot and Wyatt did great. Elliot is really finding her confidence in such risky tasks these days. Wyatt has seemed more of a daredevil from the get go.
Of course all that activity hit me hard by Friday. I was exhausted. That's the way the ball bounces.
Today Elliot and I had a big girl date. We went to Target and out to lunch, then to the park. Now she and her daddy are outside rebuilding the fence that the wind storm knocked down.
My last chemo gets closer and closer. I am ready. On Wednesday, Edna, my step mother, will be here for 10 days. I am very excited about this. I am going to put her to work :) We are going to do some painting.
BTW, if you want to come by the hospital on Thursday for the last poisoning, please do. I should start getting juiced around 11. I told all the nurses I was having a parade through the halls.
My friend Angie had her second little boy on Monday. Happy Birthday Dylan!!
That's all I have to say today. Nothing has particularly pissed me off lately so no need to go into any rants...for now.

Peace Out