Day 23

Dear Ebay,

You are a vixen. A little minx. A tease.

I come to you every night whispering my words of desire. You show me all I could have in this world and in the last 2 minutes you pull the rug out from under me. And you know what? I know I am not alone in this yearning for you! You have thousands....no millions, just like me who dare to tell you all their secrets, only to be left empty handed. sigh......

There are others how try to copy you in some fashion. I gave Craigs List a shot but it just didn't have the bells and whistles that you do. You with your slick looking dream catchers. Technicolor desires. I hate you! I love you! I hate you! I. Cannot. Live. With. Out. You. and you know it! damn you!

I'm gonna quit you smarty pants Ebay! I will if it's the last thing I do, right after I tell you about my dream of a new camera....

Peace Out

Day 22

Well, Easter weekend and a cold got the better of me and I have dropped the ball on 30 days of blogging. If you don't mind, I think I will start back up where I left off....

I don't think that a day goes by that I don't think about dying. I have blogged this before.

I, in a round about way, knew someone who died recently. He knew he was dying, and choose the date of his death.

There is a program called Dying with Dignity. It covers a wide area, such as getting your things in order, financial and what you can of the emotional. It is not a suicide pact of any kind. A person who would look into this would be terminally ill.

I am torn....

Would my ego and gumption keep me from doing this? Would there be a spark somewhere inside of me that still felt hope? Or would I accept my plight and try to say all my goodbyes? Write letters to my children. Apologize to those I hurt and cuss out those who hurt me? Would I be fierce to the end or a lamb of grace?

Like I said, I am torn.

I will say this, today I am not ready for anything other than living. Seeing my children grow up and holding my grandchildren.

When people say to me, OH! You're a cancer survivor! I say no, I am SURVIVING.

The day I hold my grandchild, I will be a survivor. Until that day happens, and I've got my eye on the prize!

Peace Out

Peace Out

Day 21

1. Diet Coke, Coors Light, and Funyuns are my weakness! Yes I am a hick.
2. I have had breast cancer twice.
3. I never thought I would have children. Now I have 2.
4. I love to cook and I am really good at it.
5. I hate it when people smack their gum. So low rent.
6. I have kissed a girl, with tongue.
7. My favorite color is red.
8. I prefer a Merlot to a Cab
9. Frida Khalo is my personal heroine.
10. I think O.J. did it.
11. I am jaded and cynical.
12. I love my children more than air.
13. I can successfully navigate the subway system in NYC.
14. I hate anime.
15. I love shoes.
16. I could eat Thai food everyday.
17. I think one of the greatest luxuries in life is watching tv in bed!
18. I think vegetarians should only get to eat vegetables. None of this fake meat, chicken and cheese stuff. If you don't want to eat meat don't try to fake yourself out. Believe me, that crap tastes like crap.
19. I belong to a book club. How Oprah of me.
20. I have done 2 sprint triathlons, and 2 60 mile 3 day walks.
21. I prefer to be very direct and honest. Sometimes blunt.
22. I could o.d. on ding dongs.
23. Cannon Beach OR is my favorite place on the planet.
24. I only trust two people...One of them is me and the other is not you.
25. I think I can be very charming and funny.

Day 20

I went to high school with this girl. We weren't really friends. I was more friends with her brother. I actually felt like she never cared for me. We were in the same grade and her brother was a year ahead of us. Let's call the brother Dick and the sister Jane...no pun intended with the bro's name!

I distinctly remember having a beer with Dick the day that Jane gave birth to her son. We were with a group of people and I knew he had just come from the hospital, where he had met his nephew for the first time. We were all having beers, but Dick seemed quiet. Just not quite himself and certainly not the happy new uncle! I leaned over and asked him if he was ok. I remember his pause and then his eyes watered as he told me Jane's newborn boy had Down's syndrome. He then he sat there quietly and finished his beer and left.

As a reminder, I had not seen Jane since high school, yet I was deeply saddened by the news.

This was many years before I had my own children and the invention of facebook that has magically reconnect the entire world.

Fast forward to present day, the days of facebook.

I am now friends with Jane on fb, after many years. I really had thought about her and her son from time to time through the years. Especially at a time when doctors thought my youngest child may have a form of Down's, which I will add, she does not.

Yesterday she posted a picture of this beautiful child standing outside waiting for rain.As I stared at the picture and his smiling face I thought of how the ugliness that this world can sometimes have, will for the most part, never effect him. Oh I am sure he has hard days and so do his parents. But I am willing to bet he is happy. I bet he has joy most of his days. You can see it in his eyes in all the pictures she posts. You can tell by the updates Jane gives how he loves big dog licks and loves to go out to eat.

I envy his innocence. I envy his freedom. When I say freedom I mean, freedom from a world that is not always kind.

Jane was made to be this child's mother. I have no idea if she feels that way, but I can tell in her writings about him. He is a very lucky boy, and she a blessed mother.

Peace Out

Day 19

Once upon a time there was a girl who had three fabulous friends. They were young and fun. They loved to do lunch and lay out and go to bars at night and hear music. This was before the days of cell phones and computers. They loved mini dinner parties. They were finding their way in the world.

If only I could run the reel of our times together over and over in my mind.

We are now "grown ups" doing grown up things. We live in different states.

I think back to a night in a parking lot of a bar we had closed down. We were all drunk and talking. We had had such a fun night. It was perfect under the summer stars. Out of the blue I thought to myself and said out loud.....

It will never be like this again. If I could take back those words today I would! But time does not stand still. And it never was the same....

These three people had a huge hand in forming me as an adult. I will forever be grateful and happy for the awesome times we had together.

Peace Out

Day 18

There was a person who once stayed in my house for an extended period of time. It was not a pleasant stay and it ended quite badly.

Lies were told, trust was broken, and things were never the same.

When they stayed at my home, I never felt comfortable if I left the house and they were alone. I felt watched and snooped upon. I had no clear evidence of this, but I could not shake the feeling.

One summer evening, I went out with my family and this person was alone in my house. I came home, nothing was unusual, just the same awkward strain as always and I went to bed.

I come to find out the next day that this person went into my bed room and proceeded to read my journal. The excuse was that they needed a book to read....Funny, I thought, there is an entire bookshelf downstairs with more than one hundred books on it. Why go into my room? WHY GO INTO MY ROOM? That's my private place. No one should go in there with out permission. What the hell?

I could not give a shit what was read. I knew exactly what I had written. My journal was a place for me to vent rather than giving this individual a smack down. It was sometimes the only place I could go to calm down.

There is NO excuse, there is NO explanation that will ever make it ok that this person did that. Even if they thought I was a terrorist, which I am not. I think this person thought it was alright. I really do. I think they thought they were untitled...out of worry.

Needless to say things got very ugly and that was the end of that.

Except it wasn't....

This person went to others and told the to watch out for me. I wasn't who they thought I was. I wasn't the person I showed myself to be. Because of what I had written. What I had written was only about the house guest and no one else. I am, guessing they didn't tell anyone that. I bet donuts to dollars they never said they were snooping.

Things were never the same. Not only between me and the visitor, but also many other folks.

And if by chance you are reading this, and you think to your self.....that's not a true story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I promise you it is. You just only heard one side of it.

Peace Out

Day 17

A letter to me at 19

Dear Maria,

Break up with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously he's not worth it. You're smart to always tell him no when he talks about getting married. You don't end up with him anyway. You don't end up with anyone great few quite a few years.

You should wash your face every night. You'll be happy you did later in life.

Don't worry about your body. Be glad you're healthy, because your'e going to have some rough patches in that department. You'll get through it, but you'll be changed in ways I can't articulate right now. Trust me though, you'll be ok.

I know right now you do not believe you will ever have children. You will, two girls that you will love more than air. Crazy huh?

You'll love men who don't love you and there will be men who love you that you won't be able to love back. Even with that being said, you'll do just fine.

You will not live in Texas your whole life.

You will have a job that will let you travel and see the world. It will be more valuable in shaping who you are, than any book education. You will have a passion for traveling that will last your whole life.

You will live in your dream home.

Your relationship with your parents will always be rocky. It is what it is. Don't beat yourself up over it.

You will actually teach yourself to cook and love it.

This is what I know right now. Use it as you will. Just remember, love yourself and the rest will follow.

Peace Out

Day 16

I love to travel!!!!

LOVE IT!

I was reminded today how much I love it.

I took a ferry this morning over to a saweet island here in the Seattle area. As I waited in the terminal I sat and people watched.

One of the things I love most about travel is going in the same direction as a group. No one knows each other. Maybe a family here and there but for the most part traveling is silent. Especially when I travel alone. When I travel by myself, I can make the choice if I connect with others. I am not a shy or quiet person, but sometimes to be able to sit very still with my own thoughts, yet still be around others, is awesome to me.

Traveling gives me a sense of how we are all connected.

Very soon I am going to Cabo. In early 2012 I am going to Thailand again. But to be honest, today gave me tons of satisfaction and will hold me over until I am Mexico bound. If I get itchy feet before Thailand, I think I will just jump on a ferry and feed my need for adventure.

Peace Out

Day 15

This day will be very simple.
Happy birthday Dave!!!!!
I hope you have a great day. You are an awesome friend,husband, and dad!
May 39 be a banner year. Here's to future good times.
Cheers! Maria

Day 14

Excuse me.....Do I know you? You look so familiar to me!
Seriously, do you know me? Or only know what you've heard about me? Or only know what I choose for you to see?
I was thinking about how well a person knows another.
When we give birth to our children, we know their every move, cry, giggle. They are a complete open book. They have yet to learned to hide. Yet there does come a time they develop their ownness. They figure out what society will accept. They figure out how to keep secrets.
So by the time we become adults and have partners, we have learned very well how to hide the face behind the mask. We want to be loved, so we keep the darkness hidden...sometimes.
Granted, not all are like me. I have a dark side. I have a side that is not so cute.
Currently in my life, there is a person that does not know me really at all. They only know what they have been told and also what they have seen of me on our very few encounters.
Sometimes I want to jump up and down and shout-YOU ONLY KNOW HALF OF THE STORY. If even that much. I did not make a choice for this person to be in my life. And to be honest I know very very little about them. We circle each other tentatively. I have much knowledge that would help this person but it is not for me give out.
So I keep silent. And in the end we are no closer to knowing each other better than we did when we had no idea the other one existed.
It's such a slippery slope. We just don't really know one another and may never. I have no idea at this point.
My question is, who do you feel really really knows you? Who knows the side that you hide? Who is the person you really know?
Think about it....

Peace Out

Lucky 13

I used to be a flight attendant. Many moons ago. Part of our training was customer service. Talking to the public. Being appropriate and unoffensive. Even if the passenger was a complete asshole.

You know the drill, keep topics neutral. Do not talk about sex, religion, or politics.

I suppose it was easy enough. Plus I was pretty young and had few views other than what was my favorite beer.

Now these days, I have quite a bit to say, though most of it is bullshit.

The three forbidden topics are still a constant. People want to push their agenda on others. They want you to think they way think. And if you don't...you are wrong. Or even worse, going to hell.

Luckily I live in a country that allows me to think whatever I want and act upon it with in the law.

Which now brings me to the topic of my blog:

Religion. Ewwwwwwwwww-what a dirty word.

Lack of religion. Ewwwwwwwwwww-what a dirty concept.

No matter what side of the fence you are on, it is an age old argument. All three topics are on the news and every social network in the world. I may be quite unpopular on this one, but I don't want to see your cause on facebook. I go to FB to waste time, not read you bashing politicians or quoting scripture. Aren't there better places for that? Why ram it up others noses until they unfriend you?

I, particularly, cannot tolerate anyone pushing religion on me...OR MY CHILDREN. People use religion as a weapon to make others conform. Wars are fought over religion. People are killed.

What blows me away is the judgement that humans put upon other humans. As if they live a life of sinlessness. What a crock of shit.

I know a person who is like this. We all do. Instead of a life filled with love and family, this person completely alienates their family and others, with their judgement, and then cries about it. This person is difficult for others to be around. I am constantly amazed and not in a good way.

I mean seriously, what's the golden rule that we were supposed to learn in school?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Hmmmmmm ok.

Let's all remember that. Because we all want to the right to our own opinions, beliefs, and sexual preferences.

Peace Out

Day 12

Never ask a lady how old she is or how much she weighs. At least that's what they say.

But seriously, will those two facts really matter when we take our last breath here on earth. Will it matter what your dress or pant size is while laying in a coffin? I think not.

Here's the thing. People spend millions of dollars on weight loss. That's not really the subject of this blog though.

The subject is really about how we feel about ourselves. It's about self acceptance. Do you like yourself just way you are? Well you should. What good does it do any good not to? Do you have female children? What kind of message do you send to them if they hear you talk about how fat you feel or think you are?

I really really think about it. I make a huge effort that my girls never hear me talk disparagingly about myself. Especially with the fact that I have no breasts and have chosen not to change that. When I made the decision not to reconstruct my breast after a double mastectomy, my children played a huge role in that. At the time they were too young to know any different. That is starting to change the older they get. When they enter puberty and start to develop, they will do so with a mother that has no breasts. I will tell them it doesn't matter, because my self worth is not tied up in that. Also with that last statement I say...to each his own. We all have choices to make.

So I try my best to love myself as I am. Lumps in the wrong places, and bumps that gravity has taken control of.

I want my girls to embrace the differences in their bodies, and others. None of us are perfect. Not even the gals in magazines.

Love yourself. Accept yourself!!!!!!!!!!!! You're perfect just like you are!

Peace Out

Day 11

Before I begin this blog, I need to clear up my days here. I blogged on Friday but for some reason it didn't post until Saturday. I didn't blog yesterday and now I am today. I goofed but I am still trying to stay on track.

This is my cat Diego. He is 16 years old. He has been with me since I lived in Texas in 1995. We have seen good times and bad times. He has loved me without condition. He has snuggled with me when I have been sad or sick.

These days Diego has slowed down quite a bit. In this picture he was only about 9. Full and healthy. A 20 pounds cat when he was at his prime. Never fat, mind you, just big.

He has moved everywhere with me. He sat on the dashboard of a moving truck for three days when I moved from Texas to Seattle. He has been through children pulling his tail and dogs invading his space. He has lost his kitty sister, Frida, 5 years ago.

These days he is an old man. He walks slow and limps up and down the stairs. He sleeps more than usual and has a hard time breathing. I know his days are coming to and end and it breaks my heart to know I will looses a dear friend soon. His quality of life is good. He takes no meds nor needs any special handling. I know the day will come when that is no longer true and I will need to make the very very hard decision...

Until that day, we will snuggle a little more. I will give him all the petting he desires.

Peace Out

Day 10

The liquid lunch. LL. One of my favorite weekday escapes. Not every week day. Not every week. In this picture...2 jalapeno margaritas. Delish! I only LL with certain people. LL is when two moms get together while all the kids are in school. We chat with no interuptions. No one tugging on us. No one saying the same thing over and over and over and over and over. LL feels so decedant in the middle of the day. If more people did LL there would be less war in the world. It's amazing all the things that are solved over a cold beer on a Thursday afternoon. So I raise my glass to my LL ladies. Thank you for all your listening and laughs. Peace Out

Day 9

It was a trial run...

Four little girls getting ready in the morning. Good lawd they were so excited they got up at 0600!!

So here's the deal, my two girls will be going to a private school in the fall.

Hunne's girls already go there. My school district is on spring break so we came over to this side of town because it is not their break.

The new school wears uniforms so everyone got dressed, pig tails in place and off we went!

It was adorable.

I will take a moment to give myself a pat on the back. No one cried. Not even me. They had their teeth brushed and food in the backpacks. It was a fun dress rehearsal.

The principal and all the teachers were so kind and made a big deal about my girls being visitors. They felt very special.

Check this one off as a good day!

Peace Out

Day 8

Family Dinner.

That's what happened tonight.

The ex, our kids, the hunnee, his kids, and the hunnee's parents.

Nine people around the table. Laughing and talking. Eating good food. I even made a cake. Dayum!

It actually felt really normal. Because you see, we really are all connected. This part of my life proves that. We, the world, we are all connected in some way. If it takes me having this kind of life so that my children see and feel that connection, then by gawd I will do it.

Believe me, there are days that my ex and I would rather poke each others eyes out with a sharp stick. But on days like today, when it all works, I feel harmony. Having all those I love around me. I am only in love with one man. The man who gave me my children will always be a part of my life. We are not in love anymore and haven't been for a while. We are really really working at admiration. Friendship I should say. As I have said, I did love him. Those days are over and if I can have more days like the one I had today, I will be a happy woman. Amen!

Peace Out

Day 7

How do you discipline your children?

Are you a spanker? yeller? time outer?

I have done all three in my time as a mom. Not so much spanking but I won't pretend I haven't swatted a bum here and there. Time out was huge from about 2 years old and on. Yelling is my first reaction when it's 2 minutes till the bus and no one has their shoes on. That makes me completely insane!!!!!!

I generally have three rules at the house:

Be kind

Be Respectful

Obey

As far as I am concerned those three cover everything. If you are doing one of them you are doing all of them. If you are doing all of them you are doing at least one of them (if not all)

I won't allow children to speak to adults as equals. I don't believe children can demand things and order parents around.

Oh don't get me started on whining. I. HATE. WHINING.

Whining will never get what you want in my house. It will however get you in time out.

As my girls get older, I expect more from them. I want them to go out into the world and be well mannered and kind. I want to them to be successful in whatever they do. I hope they get to do what they love. I hope they have love and laughter where ever they go.

For right now my job is to guide them. Bring out them best of what is already inside of them.

My job is to love them. And I do...more than air.

Peace Out

Day 6

Today is the first day of spring break for my girls.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh remember spring break?

I grew up in Texas. Spring break for me was laying out in the back yard, rubbing baby oil and iodine all over, and cooking my skin brown.

Spring Break in Texas meant caravaning down to Padre Island for underage drinking and random acts of stupidity.

This week we are here in Seattle. And it's raining and cold. That's ok because we all got to sleep in and to me, that is worth any sun tanning in the world. Guess I'm getting old...

This week will be made for lazy!!!

The girls and I are going on a ferry boat ride to a sweet little island for a day of playing.

This coming fall the little ladies are attending a new school so we are going to check it out.

We have a rockin 7 year old birthday party!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday McKenna!

Other than that we're chillin like villins!

Having no plans is sometimes good for the soul.

Peace Out

Day 5

Last night I went to a private school auction. Holy cow! It was so much fun.

I have never been to an auction. I noticed how wisely thye time everything. The biggest smooth move being that the big ticket items come at the end of the night after you've been drinking free wine all night.

With that said....

I'm going to Cabo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone care to join?

Peace Out

Day 4

Precious. So precious.

Have you seen the movie Precious?

My gawd. It's hard to watch. This poor child. She had no chance in this world.

In her own world she was looked down upon. And when I say her own world, I mean her world in Harlem.

She could not read or write. She had a mother who abused her physically and emotionally. A father who raped her and gave her two children, and ultimately HIV. Her mother knew it was going on and let it happen so she wouldn't loose her husband. Yet her spirit was stronger than the people who were trying to hold her down, as if they had a rope round her neck pulling her to hell with them. Misery loves company I suppose.

No child should see or be the victim of any type of abuse. I think we can all agree to that.

When I was a child I saw my mother abused in many ways. I saw a man who she married beat the livin shit out of her. I saw him pounding her head on the floor like she was no better than, well, no better than anything living. I snuck out the window of my bedroom to go get someone to call the police. I was 11 years old. Scared to death. A neighbor called an ambulance. I went to school the next day not knowing if my mother was dead or alive. I was scared her husband would come and get me at school and kill me. When I got home from school my mom was sitting on the couch with black eyes and bruises. Beat to HELL. Her husband vowed to never do it again....ummmm ok.

So for months and months, I would not go to sleep until I knew they were asleep. Sometimes it would be midnight. I thought that if I stayed awake I could call the police quicker if I heard him hitting her again. Have you ever in person heard the sound of a fist hitting another human? It's the sickest sound in the world. It is the sound of my nightmares.

I begged my mother to leave him. But I was 11. What can a 11 year old? We lived in another part of Texas away from my dad whom I had not seen or spoken to in months. I didn't know phone numbers to call. I couldn't tell what friends I had. I had just moved to this new town and didn't really have friends.

I was never hit. But I was abused. I was abused with fear. I was abused by a woman who gave birth to me choosing a man over her own child. Fear was my jail.

Eventually my mom moved on to another asshole, but that's a different blog for a different day.

Today I have no relationship with my mother. For many different reasons. I can't afford her crazy. The cost is too high. Call it self protection.

No child should ever be the recipient or view any abuse.

I am an adult now. Forty four years of adult. But inside of me is an 11 year old who is still scared of sounds in the night. Don't sneak up on me, I will jump out of my skin.

I have succeeded in many ways. I have failed in more. I do not use my childhood as a crutch, but it is part of who I am. It is why I survive. It is why I am hard sometimes. Ok most the time.

My own children do not know this story. Maybe someday. Not today.

So watching the movie Precious, I sat in tears. I cried for the story and I cried for myself. I cried for my mother. I cried for children who know fear and hurt.

Peace Out

Day 3

Last night my family and I were playing Life....the board game.

It was so nice to hop around the board to such pleasant outcomes. The worst thing that could happen was you might have some debt.

This morning I was thinking about it. The game of life is nothing like, Life the game. The game board says nothing about real life.

You don't land on-Your spouse cheated, go straight to therapy. You don't land on-You lost your job due to economy, go to the unemployment line. You don't land on-You have cancer, go straight to chemo. You don't land on-Your child has a learning disability, pay thousands and thousands of dollars to figure it out. You don't land on- A family member has an addiction, go to rehab.

When when land on Get Married, the board doesn't say, sorry you have no one to marry.

I don't think I want to play that game again. My real life seems game enough thank you!

Peace Out

Day 2

I have this friend....No really, I do have a few folks who will actually claim to like me.

Anyhoo...

I have this friend who I will call Mona in this partic blog, to keep her identity safe.

I have known Mona since I was 23 years old. She is awesome. I don't see her or talk to her nearly enough, but when I do we never miss a beat. She makes me laugh so hard I get a stomach ache!

In our wild 20's we were part of a small group of people who thought our shit did. not. stink. And you know what? Mine may stink now, but it didn't back then.

We were wild. We didn't care who thought what. We did whatever we wanted. We wore whatever we wanted. We danced, drank, and said, whatever we pleased. It was good to be us. The best part was, we had real jobs that afforded us this lifestyle.

There was a brief time we lived together.

There was a great story about her drunk boyfriend peeing on her back while in a stooper.

There was broken hearts.

And then we grew up. Our small tribe did not stick together. Yet, Mona and I have always been a phone call away.

Mona lost a baby in the very late stages of a pregnancy. My phone rang at 9:00 on a Sunday morning. Not exactly a time I would be talking to her. She called to tell me of her heartbreak and we cried.

I called her when I had my second round of breast cancer. She said what can I do? I asked her to come to a chemo with me. And she did after rearranging her entire life, to fly up here to Seattle and sit with me. She was with me when I bought my first wig.

Then when I decided to do my first 3 day breast cancer walk, who do you think walked beside me? Yup, Mona.

These days Mona has a HILARIOUS little boy. She's married. She's still funny as shit. That girl can make me laugh. She is bold and true. She has loved me with out condition for 20 years. I always forget her birthday and still, she loves me.

I love you Mona. I am a lucky girl to have you in my life.

The heart remembers.

Peace Out

Day 1

I have a 11 year relationship that is over. So over. Done.
Another personal failure.
Please do not take sides on this. This train wreck is not about sides.
It was never an easy relationship.
I met him playing soccer. He was playing forward and I was sucking ass playing defense. Actually I only saw him playing. I met him the next week at work when I went and introduced myself to him. Lawdy, I thought...what a beautiful human. He was quiet, which I took for shy. But now many years and tears later, I have taken his silence as a wall I could never climb over.
I am verbal and emotional and hot tempered, so you maybe you can see how it was never gonna be easy.
I loved him to the moon and back. I loved him. I really really loved him. I wanted to get married for many years. I am the mother of his children. I wanted to be his wife. I loved him.
All couples go through ups and downs. I know this. Having children is an up. Having cancer is a down.
Inlaws and outlaws that never really supported us didn't help. Speaking in hushed tones and gossiping is not the way to promote family. If one REALLY cared about children, then one would do anything in ones power to support the parents of said children. Some members of his family do not care for me, nor I for them. As for my folks, they do what they have always done in my life, they just stop talking to me, forsaking their own grandchildren. We're all fucked up huh?
Subtle shifts in personal growth don't always bring couples closer. A crack in the foundation of an already shifty terrain can leave each person standing on opposite sides of the chasm. And that's where we are. Standing facing each other pointing fingers.
Somedays I yearn for days gone by. But even those days were not rainbows and butterflies.
Now we are trying to build a friendship that was never really there. We have to. We have kids. It's so hard. Trust is broken. I will never be his wife. For my sanity, I need to have a peaceful, if not friendly, relationship with him.
So there, I have outed the elephant in the room.
Day 1 is a doosey for me.

Peace Out

Thirty Days of My Crap

I have heard it done before.
Thirty days in a row of blogging. Thirty days of mental vomit typed out on a keyboard. keyBOARD. Will this gain me a reader or two? Will this loose me a reader or two? Does it matter?
I'm gonna do it.
I have been inspired by many a blogger before me.
My life is not the easiest right now so there may be a lot of crappy, pity party stuff on here. I will try to lay off the- oh poor me- show as much as possible. I always love a party, especially when I get to whine...wine.
Hang on....here I go.

Peace Out

3 Sides To Every Story

Must I do this so publicly?

Sometimes bloggers feel the need to spill their guts on their blog. I think we think no one ever reads our blogs, so we vomit all our emotions onto a keyboard hoping for some emotional relief.

I have read it and I have done it.

I try though, I really try not put put gory details on here. Ohhhhhh I want to. Believe me. I want to spill it. I want to purge.

There 3 sides to every story. His side, Her side, and the truth. Don't believe all the gossip because the truth is much more interesting.

My blog has been a source of communicating. I have written about cancer and getting through it. I have rambled silly stuff.

Now as I see the end of my relationship with the father of my children, it's hard not to type all my emotions. Or what I feel is my side of the story. Eleven years of story. But that's not really fair.

At this point of an ending , most couples would no longer live together. Yet we do. By the time I move out, it will be eleven years almost to the month.

No matter where I am going and what goodness my future holds, it's hard. I have had babies while living in this house. I have had some of the best and worst times of my life in this house. I had cancer in this house. I have laughed and cried in this house. It has sheltered me and my children. Kept us safe and warm.

So not to blog about this transition of my life is very difficult.

I try...I try

Peace Out

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Words.....

They can build you up. They can tear you down. They can start and end wars.

Words of love.

Words of hate.

Words, unlike bruises and scars, are not seen after said. Words can remain ringing in your ears long after said. They can shape us by the inside out. Positive or negative.

Words can be typed and written. Physical touch, good or bad, is gone after the connection. But words can be read over and over again. They can be heard again if recorded, or they can roll around in your head like rocks.

Just like bombs, the can be weapons of mass destruction.

Peace Out

Driving Ms. Crazy

Ahhhhhhh, the modern family. The blended family.
His/Mine/Hers/Theirs/Ours. One big happy family.
It's quite a goal to accomplish. In this Brady Bunch type world. No one ever really came out and said if Mike and Carol were divorced or widowed from their first partners. Hell, maybe neither were ever married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one ever thought about that in those days.
Mike and Carol never had to deal with "ex's" They never had to make sure schedules worked for all parties involved. They didn't have to hold their tongue in tense times to keep the peace. They didn't have to watch their ex do kind things that were never done for them. They didn't have to argue over money and what was due the other one.

Nope

Mike and Carol got off scott free from ever having to deal with the other ones ex. Makes me wish I were in a sit-com. But I am not. I deal with real life issues just you do, dear reader. I struggle over trying to have someone see my worth that they never really saw. Whether it be monetarily or has a mate and a mother. I struggle with seeing all the affection and appreciation that I yearned for, given to someone who has not even been around a year.

Am I blameless? Hell no.

So am I crazy? Yup, somedays I am. But ya'll already knew that, huh?

Peace Out

The Last Day of Our Acquaintance

Relationships begin. Relationships end. Sometimes they just fade away.

When they begin, the world seems to be full of butterflies and unicorns. Everything the new person does is just so cute and charming. They don't stink. They don't smell. Anything seems possible. Nothing unreachable or unattainable.

But when they end....well, things can get ugly. There can be collateral damage. Children take the burden of it all, I believe. It's not ever their fault yet they are in the middle of a clusterfuck that really has nothing to do with them.

The adults point fingers. They categorically assign blame, real or imagined. They make the ex to be the worst human ever. They forget that they are talking about the mother or father of their children being a "maniac" "delusional" "asshole" "bitch" "crazy".

They forget that at one time they loved and admired that person. They forget the days that their children were born. They forget the rainbows and butterflies.

All that's left is property, custody arrangements, and most the time hard feelings.

In the battle to be right, they forget that they are bonded together in some fashion...forever. Forever is a mighty long time. It's a mighty long time to throw someone under the bus. Oh and lets not forget, if children are involved, you are co-parenting as long as you both shall live. You once thought this person had the qualities that you thought were good enough to procreate with. And now....well now....

This is the last day of our acquaintance

I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love
Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

~Sinead O'Connor

Friendship

Today has me thinking about friendship.

What does it mean to you to be or have a friend? Are you a good friend?

There are times I have been a really shitty friend. There are times I could of been a better friend. There are also times that I have been a good friend.

Where would we be with out our friends? Sometimes friends are our family. We share our joys, triumphs, heartbreak, successes, and fuck ups with friends.

Friendship requires give and take just like any relationship. It requires a connection. Not always having everything in common. Friends make us better people.

Remember the song, make new friends, but keep the old ones? Does it ring true for you? It's never to late to meet new people. It's never too late to repair broken friendships. It's never too late to appreciate the friendships you currently have.

I know as a friend, I have work to do.

Peace Out

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

A circle is round,
it has no end.
That's how long,
I will be your friend.

A fire burns bright,
it warms the heart.
We've been friends,
from the very start.

You have one hand,
I have the other.
Put them together,
We have each other.

Silver is precious,
Gold is too.
I am precious,
and so are you.

You help me,
and I'll help you
and together
we will see it through.

The sky is blue
The Earth is green
I can help
to keep it clean

Across the land
Across the sea
Friends forever
We will always be

Ch Ch Changes

I have not blogged in a while. Partly due to business and partly due to the choas of life...which now that I think about it, is business too.
My family is going through big changes. Mostly all good, yet as we all know change can be stressfull. The most important thing is that we are all healthy. We are all working hard towards harmonious and happy lives. When the time comes, all will be told. Until then...

Peace Out

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Where Does Hope Live Now?

Elizabeth Edwards. She passed away yesterday and I cannot tell you how sad it makes me. I have been thinking about the life she had. There's the obvious...John Edwards, breast cancer, the death of a child.
That's a lot to go through in 61 years. Her path was fraught with heartache and disappointment.
I was listening to NPR this morning and some foolish foolish woman was saying how Elizabeth Edwards "drank the koolaide" of her husband's life of deception. And I thought really? Seriously? Do you think for one second you could of walked in her shoes?
I can tell you as a mother, I would do anything, and I mean anything, to protect my children. I am sure she didn't make one move without the thought of what it would do to her children. I am sure every decision she made was not easy. I am sure there were days that she wanted to throw in the towel. I am sure protecting them was her number one priority, The one and only thing she could not protect them from, is loosing their mother.
I am just plain sad to hear of her passing. It makes me sick.
She seemed, at least to me as a beacon of hope.
So with her gone...where does hope live now?

Peace Out

I was there

it was public. i walked in to pay respects and walked out.

i have a hard time believing i bothered anyone but you. silly girl.

i have to wonder what you heard in the beautiful speech that was given. i heard it loud and clear so here goes... have a great life. find peace happiness and joy.

Tell me the tooth

My children are loosing teeth, left,right, and center. It seems everyother day we are conjuring up the tooth fairy. We eat a lot of soup at my house!

Peace Out

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What I'm Diggin Right Now

I was thinking today, as I went to Target for the ten millionth time this month (yup, it's September 3rd) of all the products in this world that make MY life better, and sometimes yours too.
So I thought, I'm gonna write down all my favs today. As if you care....

Swiffer lavender scented refills
Swiffer dust and shine with febreze
Aveda ANYTHING
My Canon camera
Clean laundry smells
Fall and Halloween coming right around the corner
The 15th anniversay of my 29th bday this month
A new word game on my Kindle
Diet Coke
Resolve carpet cleaner
Food Truck Wars on the food channel
Survivor starting next week
Seeing my chilis excited about school
Football season
Coors Lite
A new walking partner
A new very part time job
Dyson vacuum cleaner
My house being clean with no one home to mess it up
Neutrogena face scrub
Cute hair bobs with flowers on them

I would like to add here that I am by no means getting paid by these products, that is not my new part time job. Also, some of the things on the list are givens but I like to put it out there anyway.

Peace Out

First Day of Kindergarten

Have you ever seen a star fall from the sky? One the shines so bright that it eclipses your entire heart?
That's what happened to me when this little gem came into my life. Our first day together she snuggled in under my arm. That is still her favorite sleeping spot. She was a smiley baby, and still is to this day.
She started Kindergarten today. I watched her board the bus with her big sister. It was as if she'd been doing it for years. She told me that I would be ok today. She said maybe I could take a nap since I had no kids in the house today.
She breaks my heart in the very best way possible. She is snuggly and juicy. She is like a piece of glitter. Completely different from her sister...you now her every thought and feeling.
I have no idea how I got so blessed.
She tells me all the time that she will never leave me and will live with me forever. I keep trying to get that in writing but, she's only 5 and doesn't know how to spell that good. I hope she always feels that way!
Happy first day of Kindergarten WyWy!

I love you more than air!
Mommy

First Day of 3rd Grade

Look at her. She takes my breath away. All snaggled toothed as only an 8 year old can be. She's getting on a bus that is driving her to a place that will keep her all day. I birthed this child. She came out of my body. I grew that hair, those hazel eyes, inside of myself. And now I am supposed to just watch her leave me for hours at a time. Out of my sight but never out of my mind. All day I yearn to see her smile. I wonder how she's doing, if she's happy. It's the plight of a mother is it not? Watching them grow and spread their wings.
Look at her. She's so stinkin happy and proud. Off to 3rd grade to see her friends. They talk of things I'll never know about. It used to be that I knew her every sound and movement. Now she has a life that sometimes will seem foreign to me.
I hugged her close to me when I picked her up from school. We caught each others eyes all the way down a long hall and we both raised a hand to wave. My baby, coming back into my fold. Me, a proud mamma, not letting her see my tears of happiness.
Happy first day of 3rd grade Elliot!

I love you more than air,
Mommy

Wackadoooooo

I cut my hair recently. While most folks cut their hair every 7 weeks or so, I usually do not. After losing all my hair during chemo, I am very skidish if scissors get near me.
When it was growing back I did enjoy a fro for the first time of my life. My hair is usually very straight and it grew back curly! Ahhhh the joy of curly hair. Then I started getting it cut and the curl was gone. DAMMIT!
After a few cuts I was on a mission to grow out my hair. Longgggggggg.
But you know what? I just kept putting it up in a pony tail. What the hell good is that? Day after day I would pile it on top of my head and go about my biznazz.
Until a couple of weeks ago...
I have been going to a new hair stylist and told her to talk me off the ledge I was about to jump off. The ledge of- cut all this shit off. She said no way would she do that, we were gonna high dive off the mo fo and cut it OFF!
And we did, and I love it!
So thank you Carolann for the hair therapy.

Peace Out

I forget......

I forget what I was going to call this blog but I do remember what it is about.
First and foremost...Terry you were dead wrong about the Billy Jean King thing. I was right and I will remind you of that for eternity.
I think I was going to tell you what an asshole you are etc etc....but I forget.
The bottom line is KG is a rock star and you should bow down each and every day ;)

Oh yea, I was right!

Peace Out

An Ass Kickin'

Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

Catch and Release

Should I go left? Should I go right? Forward?
Those are easy questions. I am an adult. At least that's what the calendar says.
But my children, well, the are children. I have spent all the years of theirs lives making choices for them and about them. Today I hit a brick wall...
My oldest turned eight this month. She has eight years of opinions and wants and wishes. She expresses them very well and not always the way I would like her to, as in whining.
Today was different. I suddenly realized that she needed to make a choice without me. I wanted her to do one thing, she wanted to do something else. For the first time in all these years I was upset, but in a more hurt feelings emotional way. I looked at her and said, ok it's your choice. She knew I was very sad and told me that she's not happy if I'm not happy, which is exactly how I feel about her. I told her that in her life we would both make choices that neither one of us agreed with. We would have to be accepting of this.
Then in my head I thought, HOLY SHIT, I AM A MOM!!!!!!!
I am a full fledged mutha of a mom!
I soooooooo wanted her to make MY choice, but I needed her to have the full impact of making her own. The good and the bad.
Through the years, I have to allow my children to do this. There will be millions of times I will have to grin and bare it. I will bite my tongue and let them succeed AND fall on their faces. Because that's what you're supposed to do in my book. I will be the soft place to land when the fall is steep. I will be the first and loudest to cheer at the goals and triumphs.
I will catch them when they fall and release them when they need to run. No matter if it hurts or if my joy shines like the sun.

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

She knows the high stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

She knows the highest stakes

Wide Open Spaces-The Dixie Chicks

Coolest Baby Clothes Evah!

I stumbled upon a supa cute store today with one of a kind local handmade baby goods!
It's here in my home town Issaquah in Gilman Village AND they have a website!
www.xmarksthetot.com
ch-ch-check it out!

Peace Out

Tempest in a Teapot

This past weekend I experienced some very interesting things and now I am hoppin mad!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand that everyone wants to make money. I also understand the sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. That's why someone would sell something that is "supposed" to cure some nasty stuff that is here on earth.
The unfortunate thing is, people will believe the lies that these tiered money making schemes spew out. Sometimes the people that actually sell this crap, believe it.
Let's be clear about two things here:

No one gets rich on these MLM's EXCEPT the folks at the very very top.
Cancer nor Leukemia have been cured by any fruit or vitamin.

How cruel, how wrong, it is to tell some, anyone that what they are selling can cure such an asshole of a disease. If that did work, wouldn't we ALL be "drinking the koolaide?" How dare somehow who is so clearly unqualified, give false hope to someone who is scared out of their mind.
Also, if ANY thing in this world could make us rich, wouldn't we all be selling it? Wouldn't we all be rich?
At this point I am disgusted. THERE IS NO CURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If there was, no one would lose an daughter, mother, friend, aunt, dad, brother, wife, husband....
There are so many prayers, hopes, and dreams, for a cure. It's a cruel lie to say you have one to line your pockets.

Peace Out

Eight is Great!

My sweet Elliot is turning eight. And wouldn't you know it, she went and lost a tooth to celebrate. This girl makes me so proud. She is kind and loyal. She's so so sweeeeeeet. She will be in third grade this fall! I am amazed at how quickly time has flown by. Being pregnant with her changed me. It was not the easiest of times, yet here we are, eight years later. When I became pregnant I had just finished my first battle with breast cancer. Elliot was a sign of hope. I love you my big girl, more than air... Peace Out

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Swimmin Hole

Summer is finally here in the Seattle area! Yes I know we get a bad wrap around here about all the rain, but have you ever been up here in the summer? It's quite easily the most beautiful place that I want to be. Today I have three sun drenched little girls giggling in the water at a local creek. The water is clear and cool. There's no one else around. Just the sun and the sound of a flowing creek. Yesterday I took my girls to the local water park. I like to say it is the land of wife beater t shirts, camel toe, and muffin tops. Its crowded with teenagers who dress like pole dancers. My kids don't really notice all that. All they know is water and fun is everywhere. I prefer this quiet swimmin hole to all that, but honestly kids don't care. They want school to be out and to get wet. It's a happy day when life is this simple! Peace Out

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Happy Birthday

Today Frida Kahlo would have been 103.
You know when folks ask that question: Who are the people you would have at a dinner party? First on my list would be Frida.
I wrote about Frida her once before. Boobalicious: I Heart Frida Khalo
When I think about trying to be the person I need to be, I think of her.
When I feel weak and want to give up, I think of her.
When I have pain I do not think I will conquer, I think of her.

Peace Out

Happy 4th!

A really simple day...
Walked in a parade
Cooked a lot of food
Had a birthday celebration
Ate a lot of food
Drank a few beers
Had a few jello shots
Shot off fireworks
Had fun with some friends.

Peace Out

Last night I went and saw Anthony Bourdain speak here in Seattle where I live.
He is dark, funny, jaded, and sarcastic...just like I like!
He is a chef and traveler. He is a lover of all things pork.
My friend Rose went with me and we met up with Chad, my friend Shannon's husband. I had such a good time. I hope they did too!
He is the main reason for my trip to Thailand and some of the place that I visited while I was there. And I told him so!
After his talk, he signed his latest book. I leaned in very close to get a whiff of him while he signed my book. I breathed in deep and what I found was the most intoxicating aroma of beer and pork. Lawd....you can take me now!

Peace Out

Goody Proctor and the Gang

Have you read The Crucible? Do you know much about the Salem Witch Trials?
I ask this because my book club, yes book club, how Oprah of me, read a book last month that dealt with this particular time period. At our meeting, while discussing the book, the conversation turned to a question if witchcraft was really involved or if it was a case of mob mentality.
I personally lean towards the latter. Because really....haven't we all been apart of gossip? Whether it be the gossiper or gossiped? I know I have. I know I will be again.
The thing that strikes me about the Witch Trials is the uneducated-ignorant environment of it all. Women were killed. Some children too. I don't believe that any spells were going on. I think that herbs and such were being put together that helped people in some explicable way. I think that women were doing this because they wanted to help people, being the caregiviers. Some were midwives that would be blamed if children died at birth. The accusers stood behind religion as a weapon to kill those who did things they didn't understand. There was no FDA, TV, or internet then. Some took it upon themselves to the judge, jury, and executioner.
And still today I think things like this happen. When a teenager, a mere child, kills herself because of being bullied. She wasn't burned at the stake. She saved her tormentors that task. She offed herself.
High school is a witch trial, PTA is a witch trial, any situation were two can gang up on one can become a witch trial.
Who have you left swinging in the wind lately? Or are you the one swinging?

Peace Out

Travel Dazzle

I am home from another trip. This time Mexico. I think I am done for 2010, but I am thinking of 2011 already!
It has taken me since March to truly digest Thailand. I learned so much. I had time to stand or should I sit still for a long time.
When I came home it took me a week to go into my local grocery store, and when I did I started to cry. Mostly because the was SO MUCH STUFF!!! After being in a place that is so poor, yet so happy with what they have, I felt like a jerk walking into a place where I could grab anything I wanted off the a shelf AND have the money to pay for it.
I am sure I am not the first or last to feel this way, but it was my first time experiencing it and it swept me off my feet.
Thailand is a country of 95% Buddhists and it shows! Although since I have left, they have had some major marches and civil unrest, I would have to say they are peace-lovers. It has given me cause to think about Buddhism and read about it more as of late.
As for Mexico....
the land of eat and drink! Sunshine and sand. I swear my children's hair still smells like chlorine!
At this point I am happy to be in my home. Summer is approaching. I love having the girls home with me all day.
I will actually have a deck to sit out on this summer! Woot Woot!
Wyatt will be in kindergarten in September and Elliot will be in 3rd grade.
My feet will stay on American soil until 2011. I am thinking Turkey!!!!

Peace Out
Maria

Birthday Princess

Happy 3rd birthday sweet girl!
You are a fiery red headed daredevil!
I cannot believe you are already three.Time flies huh?

Happy Birthday
Ria

Kill Your TV

This week at my 2nd graders school, is Turn Off Your TV week.
The hell you say!
I have said many times, and will say many more, the greatest luxury in my life is watching TV in bed. It's my opinion and I'm sticking to it!
I love love love my TV. I love watching the Travel Channel and Food Network more than anything else.
No one in the house is watching TV this week. HHHEEEELLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not that we watch that much really. The girls are in school, A is working and I am cleaning or doing something during the day. Also, my house is a split level and there is no TV in the common area of my upstairs. The big screen is downstairs and I am never down there during day light hours unless I am doing laundry. With that said, I watch absolutely no until about 7 in the evening. I do not watch the news. I didn't even know about the whole volcanic ash/airline crisis in Europe until about 5 days after it happened.
But for some reason, when you tell someone the can't do something, that's ALL THEY WANT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hell, even when I was in Thailand, I watched Thai news in bed even though I did not know one word being said!
My kids only watch movies that we start for them, Finnius and Pherb, or the Discovery Channel. I am not that worried that they are addicts. They are never ever ever ever ever going to watch crap like Hannah Montanna, or The Suite Life, where kids act like assholes and talk to adults like the are equals. Kids are sassy enough without giving them the idea that they can talk like that.
Nothing much has changed from this TV-less week. Maybe a little more itunes, but Elton John never made a kid a serial killer...did he?

Peace Out

Fun Times

This weekend I went to a book signing. It is a cookbook written by one of my favorite bloggers, The Pioneer Woman. Her blog is hilarious and the girl can cook! It took me about 5 hours to get through the line. It was pretty interesting. We all stood around waiting for our own brush with fame. The fame of a person we could all relate to. She's a mother, a wife, a business woman, and a spanx wearer. Who wouldn't want to meet her?
While I was at the bookstore, I recognized a woman whose blog I read all the time. She's from the Seattle area just as I am. How strange to read the words of someone all the time, yet not really know them. Yet you feel like you do.
It was nerdy fun I tell you!

Peace Out

Happy Birthday Charlie Brown!

 


Happy Birthday sweet girl!

Thailand Pictures

I have posted my Thailand pics. Follow the link to see them.
I am still digesting my trip and find it hard to sum up just yet.
The let down has been intense. The memories are wonderful.

Peace Out

http://mythailand.shutterfly.com/

Country Road Take Me Home

I have not blogged since leaving Bangkok due to simply sitting on my ass all day looking at the ocean. I have so much to tell and so many feelings about it all.
Today I begin my journey home.
I fly to Phuket, Bangkok, Seoul, and lastly Seattle. I have no doubt that part of the trip is just as important as any of it.
I left my home by the beach with tears and laughing. Good byes and promises to keep in touch. We all hugged and raised our glass to good times. The owner came out this morning to give me hugs and wishes for good luck in my life.
As I type my eyes well up. I am humbled by the kindness. Being so far from home yet knowing while on the earth I am home.
I relish the thought of going home to my family. Looking my children in the eye. Sweet giggles and gifts from a far.
I will never be the same. Just as giving birth changed me, just as cancer has changed me, so has this trip.
As they say here in Thailand...

Same Same
but different

Peace Out

Life's a Beach

I have had a hectic morning finding out about the Chile earthquake and tsunami warning in Maui. A and the girls are in Maui right now and it gave me a bit of a scare.
Now I am out of Bangkok and off to my island in the sea. I landed in Ko Samui this morning, it's a different Thailand than I have been experiencing.
My internet connection is about to expire and I have to catch a boat. Will blog more later.
Just know, if you know my family that every one in Maui is safe and I am too.
With in two hours I plan to be on the beach with an adult beverage.

Peace Out

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Today my head is officially spinning on over drive. All the streets look the same. All the vender's look the same. All the taxis are hot pink. Really they are! Cars drive ANY.WHERE.THEY.WANT. No laws, no rules. All the food smells the same too.
I think it's time to hit the island!
Don't get me wrong, I am so glad I came to Bangkok. It's incredible. But everything has it's time and place. It's beach time.
I will say I thought that it would be all smiles ans Sawatdee!!! It's kinda been, what the fuck are you looking at white girl. Oh well...
I went to the big indoor shopping district today. Nice and cool and tons of stuff. It was crazy busy and full of teenagers in school uniforms.
I have a new hotel and I really like it. I slept 12 hours last night.
did finally post pics on facebook. It took an hour because the connection was so slow and I couldn't rotate them so they are every which way but loose.

Peace Out

From the Top to the Bottom

Yesterday was a relaxing and interesting day.
I did find a hotel and I can tell you right now, I will not be staying there again tonight!
The top
After my massage and pedi, I went to a street cafe and took my kindle, had a beer and watched people. I saw a couple have a spat, which is highly frowned upon here in Thailand. Any outburst of anger is not accepted, so it was quite a spectacle. After that a woman approached me and was asking me about my kindle. She was from France and spoke broken English. She was very nice and we decided we would meet for dinner. I went and took and nap :) and we met later in the evening. As we were having dinner a man sat down beside me with a bag of grub worms for a snack. He kindly offered me one, I kindly declined.
The dinner started out with us two ladies and expanded to 7 quickly. We all decided it would be easier to call each other by our country rather than our given names and we soon became the United Nations of the Streets of Bangkok.
US
France
England
Singapore
Pakistan

France and I said our goodbyes after eating and left the other counties to figure out the world.
As we walked back to our hotels I saw a woman and her son, maybe four, lying in the gutter asleep. In the gutter, in the street, beside the wheel of a parked car. On a towel. Oblivious to the cars, stench, trash, noise, and passers by. She had is hand on his arm as if to protect him. From what? I have no idea...

That was the bottom of my day

Peace Out

No Reservations

I have justed checked out of my hotel and no place to go yet....
I spent the morning taking a nice walk since it was cool outside. Then I went and hour an hour leg and foot massage followed by a pedicure. All for the tune of 12 buckaroos USD. LOVE LOVE LOVE
So now i am out to roam the streets to find another place to call home. My first place was ok and quite basic. Bed has hard but the A/C worked.
Some of things that have struck my strange are as follows:

On one street alone I counted 3 dentist offices. The were all empty and a most vender's on the street have a few teeth missing.

There is something being cooked on some carts that smell like ass and plan to stay far away from them.

While on a speed boat yesterday there was shack after shack that looked like peoples homes. But one on particular had the door wide open and there white and gold coffins stacked to the ceiling wrapped in plastic. It was eerie looking.

Now my feet feel fine and I must go pound the streets for a bed to sleep in tonight.
If I mess up my pedi, I will more than likely get another one tomorrow!

Peace Out

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Long long long hot day today.
My title of this blog rings true in so many ways...
I started out this morning finding out there was a bit of havoc in my house. A went to the hospital last night. Flu or food poisoning, who knows, but it warranted a trip to the ER. This shook me up a bit. I already had a tour planned and couldn't get a hold of anyone to get my chilis, so I was in a state of worry all day. Truth be told I am still a bit.
Anyhooooooo
I took a tour to a floating market that I saw featured on No Reservations. It was crazy. Boats as floating cook stations. The sad part is the authenticity was probably a bit marred my all of us tourists.
We then then went to see the bridge over the River Quai. Fascinating story, but by the time we were there it was so freakin' hot that we were all melting. Is was there that I experienced my first Thai toilet. :) I took a little squat over a hole in the ground. I have to say that entailed the good, bad, and ugly.
Then off the the Tiger Temple, where we all had pictures of us taken with tigers. Interesting.
I am back "home" now and completely exhausted.
I saw so much today. I saw complete poverty but with that I saw complete peace and happiness. I saw chaos and wondered how anything ever gets done in this country. I saw a monk driving a pick up with the back end full of people. Only Buddha knows where they were going. I saw Thai women working, that looked like they hated every tourist around them.
As I have looked around I cannot for the life of me figure out how this society thrives, yet it does.
I cannot figure out how to get my pics on here yet nor a way to a phone.
Oh well. Off for a cold beer...

Peace Out

The Big and the Small

How do I describe even the smallest of things?
In the bathroom in Seoul there was a courtesy button that you could push that made a flushing sound. That way no one could hear you go potty. So polite huh? Yet there is no personal space. People crowd together even when not needed and I find that fascinating.
On the plane ride, there were videos, cartoons, mind you, that were about being polite. As the ad said...kindness leads to happiness. Yea, I guess that's true.
The men here are much more open and kind than the women. At least to me. I think Thai women are very held back. The men will talk to about anything. I went to a temple this morning and a man started talking to me, asking me where I am from and such. We talked about our family. Men seemed to be fascinated when they ask me what I do for work and I tell them I don't "work". He had nothing to sell. He was a banker and today was a holiday. He had come to pray to Buddha. A woman would have never struck up a conversation with another woman.
There are dogs and cats all over the street. Alive of course, just prowling around.
My bed is very small and hard as a rock, but I have been so tired that it has not mattered.
Tomorrow I am going to a floating market. I am very excited about this! I am going to walk in the steps of my idol, Anthony Bourdain!!!!!! I have no reservations.
It's so loud here yet so quiet because I am alone I just take in all the sounds and talk almost not at all unless buying food. It's too loud here for the whispers in my head to be heard. There was an area with a around about for traffic and chanting was coming through the loud speakers on a pole. It was the most beautiful sound, yet motor bikes were honking and cars were zipping by.
So that's day one. I have yet to figure out my phone situation. I am dying to talk to my children!!!!

Peace Out

Stanger in a Strange Land

I have arrived after 18 hours of flying. It's busy, hot and crowded. I love it! There is a 7-11 on every corner which is kinda odd. I went to three temples today that are absolutely stunning.
Tomorrow I will go to a floating market and eat my face off!
For now I am going to get some food off the street, go take a nap, and then go to a cafe, have a beer and read. In that order...

More to come

Peace Out

Up Up and Away

I leave today for Thailand. Somewhat scared and somewhat thrilled. I have no idea what to expect. I am going alone which does not really make me nervous. I see this trip as a quiet vacation. The only chatter coming from a language I don't know and the demons in my head that I try to keep silent.
I will be blogging while I am there. Finally something to blog about rather than my own narcissistic ranting! Something greater than my self.
Happy days to come...

Peace Out

Wyatt is FIVE

 
For all you naysayers that thought I couldn't raise up a limabean, well here is proof I can and do!
My sweet Wyatt turned five. We went iceskating and had pizza and made at least four batches of brownies. We went to the movie with her best buddy Cam and had pho. You HAVE to admit that I totally score points for raising a pho eating kid!!!!!!
Anyhoo...
I think all in all she had a great time.
Happy Birthday my little twinkling star!

I love you more than air!
Mommy

Let it Bend Before it Breaks

Around here, it's the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
The collar of my coat
Lord help me, cannot help the cold
The raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed.

But I'm feelin' no pain
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in?
Say it aint so, say I'm happy again

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

I'm all right. Don't I seem to be?
Aren't I swinging on the stars?
Don't I wear them on my sleeve?
When you're looking for a crossroads,
It happens every day
And whichever way you turn,
I'm gonna turn the other way

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Learn to let it bend before it breaks

Say it's over say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

Christmas Vacation Vs. My Car

Holy. Shit.
My car is a wreck.
Has Christmas vacation trashed your car too?
I have glitter and crushed candy canes all over the floor board. Cookie crumbs from kind friends. Wrapping paper and dog hair. And that's just the inside. We took two dogs to Oregon. The puppy puked, pooped, and pee peed in his kennel. My children love to tear paper into tiny pieces. It's a complete mess.
The outside has road kill and mud all over it. Let's not forget that when the windows are steamy from too many creatures breathing in one tiny space, my girls put their hands all over the windows.
Tomorrow my kids go back to school.
Can I get a collective wooohoooooo!!???

Peace Out

Her Legacy

 

These are the two that stand in their mommy's shoes. Big ol' size 9!!!! ;) For such a little lady!

Peace Out

Talkin Bout a Revolution

New year, new battles...






You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We're doing what we can
But when you want money
for people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right
Ah

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

You say you'll change the constitution
Well, you know
We all want to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well, you know
You better free you mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Mao
You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right
all right, all right, all right
all right, all right, all right

The Tooth is Out There

 

Look who lost her first tooth! This saweeet young thang!
A few weeks before her 5th birfday and she goes loosin teef!
She not too happy about it huh? I bet the tooth fairy had a little sumpin extra to leave this cutie pie!
Congrats Lucille McGillicutty!

Maddy Callahan

This sweet smile...
that's about all I can write
Think of her family and friends tonight

My Chilis

How could I ever stay mad or angry looking at these four eyes? How could any hurt in this world touch me, knowing that these two monkeys are on my side, if there is a side, in this world.
These two are the greatest thing I will EVER do.
They love me with all my flaws and I am humbled everytime I hear-Mommy, I love you
Because honestly, sometimes I think WHY? I am not the baking, crafty, PTA kind of mom. I am the yelling, hurried, frazzled kind of mom. I am the diseased mom. Amputated due to cancer. I am the mom that cries a lot for no apparent reason. I am the mom that drinks wine while cooking dinner because I am relieved that the end of day is nearing.
Yet these two love me. Sometimes they think I am funny. They even tell me I look pretty.
I am incredibly lucky to of birthed these two creatures.

Peace Out

Lost and Found

As usual, I have been thinking and as usual, it will probably get me a)in trouble or b)no where...
I have been thinking about the lost and found.
What I have lost and what I have found.

LOST
money
hats
sanity
friends
humility
innocence
appendages
fingernails
buttons
causes
love
my mind

FOUND
compassion
keys
love
gloves
dust bunnies
my fav hat

I could actually both lists shousl and could be the same. So does that make me lost? Or found? Hell I have no idea...

Peace Out

Done Gone and Did It!!

Yep, yup, yeppers, yes indeed!
I have booked my ticket to Thailand for the early part of 2010. I am still stunned and numb about the actual purchase and confirmation of my flight. That will soon fade into pure excitement.
I cannot describe the thrill of this adventure for me.
I need to wrap my mind around it more, but will keep posting info as it nears!
I am going alone. No set agenda. Lots of reading material. An open mind. An ipod full of music. A passport. A wing and a prayer. I seriously have tears in my eyes thinking about it!

Peace out!
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