Catch and Release

Should I go left? Should I go right? Forward?
Those are easy questions. I am an adult. At least that's what the calendar says.
But my children, well, the are children. I have spent all the years of theirs lives making choices for them and about them. Today I hit a brick wall...
My oldest turned eight this month. She has eight years of opinions and wants and wishes. She expresses them very well and not always the way I would like her to, as in whining.
Today was different. I suddenly realized that she needed to make a choice without me. I wanted her to do one thing, she wanted to do something else. For the first time in all these years I was upset, but in a more hurt feelings emotional way. I looked at her and said, ok it's your choice. She knew I was very sad and told me that she's not happy if I'm not happy, which is exactly how I feel about her. I told her that in her life we would both make choices that neither one of us agreed with. We would have to be accepting of this.
Then in my head I thought, HOLY SHIT, I AM A MOM!!!!!!!
I am a full fledged mutha of a mom!
I soooooooo wanted her to make MY choice, but I needed her to have the full impact of making her own. The good and the bad.
Through the years, I have to allow my children to do this. There will be millions of times I will have to grin and bare it. I will bite my tongue and let them succeed AND fall on their faces. Because that's what you're supposed to do in my book. I will be the soft place to land when the fall is steep. I will be the first and loudest to cheer at the goals and triumphs.
I will catch them when they fall and release them when they need to run. No matter if it hurts or if my joy shines like the sun.

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

She knows the high stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

She knows the highest stakes

Wide Open Spaces-The Dixie Chicks

Coolest Baby Clothes Evah!

I stumbled upon a supa cute store today with one of a kind local handmade baby goods!
It's here in my home town Issaquah in Gilman Village AND they have a website!
www.xmarksthetot.com
ch-ch-check it out!

Peace Out

Tempest in a Teapot

This past weekend I experienced some very interesting things and now I am hoppin mad!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand that everyone wants to make money. I also understand the sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. That's why someone would sell something that is "supposed" to cure some nasty stuff that is here on earth.
The unfortunate thing is, people will believe the lies that these tiered money making schemes spew out. Sometimes the people that actually sell this crap, believe it.
Let's be clear about two things here:

No one gets rich on these MLM's EXCEPT the folks at the very very top.
Cancer nor Leukemia have been cured by any fruit or vitamin.

How cruel, how wrong, it is to tell some, anyone that what they are selling can cure such an asshole of a disease. If that did work, wouldn't we ALL be "drinking the koolaide?" How dare somehow who is so clearly unqualified, give false hope to someone who is scared out of their mind.
Also, if ANY thing in this world could make us rich, wouldn't we all be selling it? Wouldn't we all be rich?
At this point I am disgusted. THERE IS NO CURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If there was, no one would lose an daughter, mother, friend, aunt, dad, brother, wife, husband....
There are so many prayers, hopes, and dreams, for a cure. It's a cruel lie to say you have one to line your pockets.

Peace Out

Eight is Great!

My sweet Elliot is turning eight. And wouldn't you know it, she went and lost a tooth to celebrate. This girl makes me so proud. She is kind and loyal. She's so so sweeeeeeet. She will be in third grade this fall! I am amazed at how quickly time has flown by. Being pregnant with her changed me. It was not the easiest of times, yet here we are, eight years later. When I became pregnant I had just finished my first battle with breast cancer. Elliot was a sign of hope. I love you my big girl, more than air... Peace Out

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Swimmin Hole

Summer is finally here in the Seattle area! Yes I know we get a bad wrap around here about all the rain, but have you ever been up here in the summer? It's quite easily the most beautiful place that I want to be. Today I have three sun drenched little girls giggling in the water at a local creek. The water is clear and cool. There's no one else around. Just the sun and the sound of a flowing creek. Yesterday I took my girls to the local water park. I like to say it is the land of wife beater t shirts, camel toe, and muffin tops. Its crowded with teenagers who dress like pole dancers. My kids don't really notice all that. All they know is water and fun is everywhere. I prefer this quiet swimmin hole to all that, but honestly kids don't care. They want school to be out and to get wet. It's a happy day when life is this simple! Peace Out

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Happy Birthday

Today Frida Kahlo would have been 103.
You know when folks ask that question: Who are the people you would have at a dinner party? First on my list would be Frida.
I wrote about Frida her once before. Boobalicious: I Heart Frida Khalo
When I think about trying to be the person I need to be, I think of her.
When I feel weak and want to give up, I think of her.
When I have pain I do not think I will conquer, I think of her.

Peace Out

Happy 4th!

A really simple day...
Walked in a parade
Cooked a lot of food
Had a birthday celebration
Ate a lot of food
Drank a few beers
Had a few jello shots
Shot off fireworks
Had fun with some friends.

Peace Out

Last night I went and saw Anthony Bourdain speak here in Seattle where I live.
He is dark, funny, jaded, and sarcastic...just like I like!
He is a chef and traveler. He is a lover of all things pork.
My friend Rose went with me and we met up with Chad, my friend Shannon's husband. I had such a good time. I hope they did too!
He is the main reason for my trip to Thailand and some of the place that I visited while I was there. And I told him so!
After his talk, he signed his latest book. I leaned in very close to get a whiff of him while he signed my book. I breathed in deep and what I found was the most intoxicating aroma of beer and pork. Lawd....you can take me now!

Peace Out

Goody Proctor and the Gang

Have you read The Crucible? Do you know much about the Salem Witch Trials?
I ask this because my book club, yes book club, how Oprah of me, read a book last month that dealt with this particular time period. At our meeting, while discussing the book, the conversation turned to a question if witchcraft was really involved or if it was a case of mob mentality.
I personally lean towards the latter. Because really....haven't we all been apart of gossip? Whether it be the gossiper or gossiped? I know I have. I know I will be again.
The thing that strikes me about the Witch Trials is the uneducated-ignorant environment of it all. Women were killed. Some children too. I don't believe that any spells were going on. I think that herbs and such were being put together that helped people in some explicable way. I think that women were doing this because they wanted to help people, being the caregiviers. Some were midwives that would be blamed if children died at birth. The accusers stood behind religion as a weapon to kill those who did things they didn't understand. There was no FDA, TV, or internet then. Some took it upon themselves to the judge, jury, and executioner.
And still today I think things like this happen. When a teenager, a mere child, kills herself because of being bullied. She wasn't burned at the stake. She saved her tormentors that task. She offed herself.
High school is a witch trial, PTA is a witch trial, any situation were two can gang up on one can become a witch trial.
Who have you left swinging in the wind lately? Or are you the one swinging?

Peace Out

Travel Dazzle

I am home from another trip. This time Mexico. I think I am done for 2010, but I am thinking of 2011 already!
It has taken me since March to truly digest Thailand. I learned so much. I had time to stand or should I sit still for a long time.
When I came home it took me a week to go into my local grocery store, and when I did I started to cry. Mostly because the was SO MUCH STUFF!!! After being in a place that is so poor, yet so happy with what they have, I felt like a jerk walking into a place where I could grab anything I wanted off the a shelf AND have the money to pay for it.
I am sure I am not the first or last to feel this way, but it was my first time experiencing it and it swept me off my feet.
Thailand is a country of 95% Buddhists and it shows! Although since I have left, they have had some major marches and civil unrest, I would have to say they are peace-lovers. It has given me cause to think about Buddhism and read about it more as of late.
As for Mexico....
the land of eat and drink! Sunshine and sand. I swear my children's hair still smells like chlorine!
At this point I am happy to be in my home. Summer is approaching. I love having the girls home with me all day.
I will actually have a deck to sit out on this summer! Woot Woot!
Wyatt will be in kindergarten in September and Elliot will be in 3rd grade.
My feet will stay on American soil until 2011. I am thinking Turkey!!!!

Peace Out
Maria

Birthday Princess

Happy 3rd birthday sweet girl!
You are a fiery red headed daredevil!
I cannot believe you are already three.Time flies huh?

Happy Birthday
Ria

Kill Your TV

This week at my 2nd graders school, is Turn Off Your TV week.
The hell you say!
I have said many times, and will say many more, the greatest luxury in my life is watching TV in bed. It's my opinion and I'm sticking to it!
I love love love my TV. I love watching the Travel Channel and Food Network more than anything else.
No one in the house is watching TV this week. HHHEEEELLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not that we watch that much really. The girls are in school, A is working and I am cleaning or doing something during the day. Also, my house is a split level and there is no TV in the common area of my upstairs. The big screen is downstairs and I am never down there during day light hours unless I am doing laundry. With that said, I watch absolutely no until about 7 in the evening. I do not watch the news. I didn't even know about the whole volcanic ash/airline crisis in Europe until about 5 days after it happened.
But for some reason, when you tell someone the can't do something, that's ALL THEY WANT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hell, even when I was in Thailand, I watched Thai news in bed even though I did not know one word being said!
My kids only watch movies that we start for them, Finnius and Pherb, or the Discovery Channel. I am not that worried that they are addicts. They are never ever ever ever ever going to watch crap like Hannah Montanna, or The Suite Life, where kids act like assholes and talk to adults like the are equals. Kids are sassy enough without giving them the idea that they can talk like that.
Nothing much has changed from this TV-less week. Maybe a little more itunes, but Elton John never made a kid a serial killer...did he?

Peace Out

Fun Times

This weekend I went to a book signing. It is a cookbook written by one of my favorite bloggers, The Pioneer Woman. Her blog is hilarious and the girl can cook! It took me about 5 hours to get through the line. It was pretty interesting. We all stood around waiting for our own brush with fame. The fame of a person we could all relate to. She's a mother, a wife, a business woman, and a spanx wearer. Who wouldn't want to meet her?
While I was at the bookstore, I recognized a woman whose blog I read all the time. She's from the Seattle area just as I am. How strange to read the words of someone all the time, yet not really know them. Yet you feel like you do.
It was nerdy fun I tell you!

Peace Out

Happy Birthday Charlie Brown!

 


Happy Birthday sweet girl!

Thailand Pictures

I have posted my Thailand pics. Follow the link to see them.
I am still digesting my trip and find it hard to sum up just yet.
The let down has been intense. The memories are wonderful.

Peace Out

http://mythailand.shutterfly.com/

Country Road Take Me Home

I have not blogged since leaving Bangkok due to simply sitting on my ass all day looking at the ocean. I have so much to tell and so many feelings about it all.
Today I begin my journey home.
I fly to Phuket, Bangkok, Seoul, and lastly Seattle. I have no doubt that part of the trip is just as important as any of it.
I left my home by the beach with tears and laughing. Good byes and promises to keep in touch. We all hugged and raised our glass to good times. The owner came out this morning to give me hugs and wishes for good luck in my life.
As I type my eyes well up. I am humbled by the kindness. Being so far from home yet knowing while on the earth I am home.
I relish the thought of going home to my family. Looking my children in the eye. Sweet giggles and gifts from a far.
I will never be the same. Just as giving birth changed me, just as cancer has changed me, so has this trip.
As they say here in Thailand...

Same Same
but different

Peace Out

Life's a Beach

I have had a hectic morning finding out about the Chile earthquake and tsunami warning in Maui. A and the girls are in Maui right now and it gave me a bit of a scare.
Now I am out of Bangkok and off to my island in the sea. I landed in Ko Samui this morning, it's a different Thailand than I have been experiencing.
My internet connection is about to expire and I have to catch a boat. Will blog more later.
Just know, if you know my family that every one in Maui is safe and I am too.
With in two hours I plan to be on the beach with an adult beverage.

Peace Out

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Today my head is officially spinning on over drive. All the streets look the same. All the vender's look the same. All the taxis are hot pink. Really they are! Cars drive ANY.WHERE.THEY.WANT. No laws, no rules. All the food smells the same too.
I think it's time to hit the island!
Don't get me wrong, I am so glad I came to Bangkok. It's incredible. But everything has it's time and place. It's beach time.
I will say I thought that it would be all smiles ans Sawatdee!!! It's kinda been, what the fuck are you looking at white girl. Oh well...
I went to the big indoor shopping district today. Nice and cool and tons of stuff. It was crazy busy and full of teenagers in school uniforms.
I have a new hotel and I really like it. I slept 12 hours last night.
did finally post pics on facebook. It took an hour because the connection was so slow and I couldn't rotate them so they are every which way but loose.

Peace Out

From the Top to the Bottom

Yesterday was a relaxing and interesting day.
I did find a hotel and I can tell you right now, I will not be staying there again tonight!
The top
After my massage and pedi, I went to a street cafe and took my kindle, had a beer and watched people. I saw a couple have a spat, which is highly frowned upon here in Thailand. Any outburst of anger is not accepted, so it was quite a spectacle. After that a woman approached me and was asking me about my kindle. She was from France and spoke broken English. She was very nice and we decided we would meet for dinner. I went and took and nap :) and we met later in the evening. As we were having dinner a man sat down beside me with a bag of grub worms for a snack. He kindly offered me one, I kindly declined.
The dinner started out with us two ladies and expanded to 7 quickly. We all decided it would be easier to call each other by our country rather than our given names and we soon became the United Nations of the Streets of Bangkok.
US
France
England
Singapore
Pakistan

France and I said our goodbyes after eating and left the other counties to figure out the world.
As we walked back to our hotels I saw a woman and her son, maybe four, lying in the gutter asleep. In the gutter, in the street, beside the wheel of a parked car. On a towel. Oblivious to the cars, stench, trash, noise, and passers by. She had is hand on his arm as if to protect him. From what? I have no idea...

That was the bottom of my day

Peace Out

No Reservations

I have justed checked out of my hotel and no place to go yet....
I spent the morning taking a nice walk since it was cool outside. Then I went and hour an hour leg and foot massage followed by a pedicure. All for the tune of 12 buckaroos USD. LOVE LOVE LOVE
So now i am out to roam the streets to find another place to call home. My first place was ok and quite basic. Bed has hard but the A/C worked.
Some of things that have struck my strange are as follows:

On one street alone I counted 3 dentist offices. The were all empty and a most vender's on the street have a few teeth missing.

There is something being cooked on some carts that smell like ass and plan to stay far away from them.

While on a speed boat yesterday there was shack after shack that looked like peoples homes. But one on particular had the door wide open and there white and gold coffins stacked to the ceiling wrapped in plastic. It was eerie looking.

Now my feet feel fine and I must go pound the streets for a bed to sleep in tonight.
If I mess up my pedi, I will more than likely get another one tomorrow!

Peace Out

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Long long long hot day today.
My title of this blog rings true in so many ways...
I started out this morning finding out there was a bit of havoc in my house. A went to the hospital last night. Flu or food poisoning, who knows, but it warranted a trip to the ER. This shook me up a bit. I already had a tour planned and couldn't get a hold of anyone to get my chilis, so I was in a state of worry all day. Truth be told I am still a bit.
Anyhooooooo
I took a tour to a floating market that I saw featured on No Reservations. It was crazy. Boats as floating cook stations. The sad part is the authenticity was probably a bit marred my all of us tourists.
We then then went to see the bridge over the River Quai. Fascinating story, but by the time we were there it was so freakin' hot that we were all melting. Is was there that I experienced my first Thai toilet. :) I took a little squat over a hole in the ground. I have to say that entailed the good, bad, and ugly.
Then off the the Tiger Temple, where we all had pictures of us taken with tigers. Interesting.
I am back "home" now and completely exhausted.
I saw so much today. I saw complete poverty but with that I saw complete peace and happiness. I saw chaos and wondered how anything ever gets done in this country. I saw a monk driving a pick up with the back end full of people. Only Buddha knows where they were going. I saw Thai women working, that looked like they hated every tourist around them.
As I have looked around I cannot for the life of me figure out how this society thrives, yet it does.
I cannot figure out how to get my pics on here yet nor a way to a phone.
Oh well. Off for a cold beer...

Peace Out

The Big and the Small

How do I describe even the smallest of things?
In the bathroom in Seoul there was a courtesy button that you could push that made a flushing sound. That way no one could hear you go potty. So polite huh? Yet there is no personal space. People crowd together even when not needed and I find that fascinating.
On the plane ride, there were videos, cartoons, mind you, that were about being polite. As the ad said...kindness leads to happiness. Yea, I guess that's true.
The men here are much more open and kind than the women. At least to me. I think Thai women are very held back. The men will talk to about anything. I went to a temple this morning and a man started talking to me, asking me where I am from and such. We talked about our family. Men seemed to be fascinated when they ask me what I do for work and I tell them I don't "work". He had nothing to sell. He was a banker and today was a holiday. He had come to pray to Buddha. A woman would have never struck up a conversation with another woman.
There are dogs and cats all over the street. Alive of course, just prowling around.
My bed is very small and hard as a rock, but I have been so tired that it has not mattered.
Tomorrow I am going to a floating market. I am very excited about this! I am going to walk in the steps of my idol, Anthony Bourdain!!!!!! I have no reservations.
It's so loud here yet so quiet because I am alone I just take in all the sounds and talk almost not at all unless buying food. It's too loud here for the whispers in my head to be heard. There was an area with a around about for traffic and chanting was coming through the loud speakers on a pole. It was the most beautiful sound, yet motor bikes were honking and cars were zipping by.
So that's day one. I have yet to figure out my phone situation. I am dying to talk to my children!!!!

Peace Out

Stanger in a Strange Land

I have arrived after 18 hours of flying. It's busy, hot and crowded. I love it! There is a 7-11 on every corner which is kinda odd. I went to three temples today that are absolutely stunning.
Tomorrow I will go to a floating market and eat my face off!
For now I am going to get some food off the street, go take a nap, and then go to a cafe, have a beer and read. In that order...

More to come

Peace Out

Up Up and Away

I leave today for Thailand. Somewhat scared and somewhat thrilled. I have no idea what to expect. I am going alone which does not really make me nervous. I see this trip as a quiet vacation. The only chatter coming from a language I don't know and the demons in my head that I try to keep silent.
I will be blogging while I am there. Finally something to blog about rather than my own narcissistic ranting! Something greater than my self.
Happy days to come...

Peace Out

Wyatt is FIVE

 
For all you naysayers that thought I couldn't raise up a limabean, well here is proof I can and do!
My sweet Wyatt turned five. We went iceskating and had pizza and made at least four batches of brownies. We went to the movie with her best buddy Cam and had pho. You HAVE to admit that I totally score points for raising a pho eating kid!!!!!!
Anyhoo...
I think all in all she had a great time.
Happy Birthday my little twinkling star!

I love you more than air!
Mommy

Let it Bend Before it Breaks

Around here, it's the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
The collar of my coat
Lord help me, cannot help the cold
The raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed.

But I'm feelin' no pain
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in?
Say it aint so, say I'm happy again

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

I'm all right. Don't I seem to be?
Aren't I swinging on the stars?
Don't I wear them on my sleeve?
When you're looking for a crossroads,
It happens every day
And whichever way you turn,
I'm gonna turn the other way

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Learn to let it bend before it breaks

Say it's over say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

Christmas Vacation Vs. My Car

Holy. Shit.
My car is a wreck.
Has Christmas vacation trashed your car too?
I have glitter and crushed candy canes all over the floor board. Cookie crumbs from kind friends. Wrapping paper and dog hair. And that's just the inside. We took two dogs to Oregon. The puppy puked, pooped, and pee peed in his kennel. My children love to tear paper into tiny pieces. It's a complete mess.
The outside has road kill and mud all over it. Let's not forget that when the windows are steamy from too many creatures breathing in one tiny space, my girls put their hands all over the windows.
Tomorrow my kids go back to school.
Can I get a collective wooohoooooo!!???

Peace Out

Her Legacy

 

These are the two that stand in their mommy's shoes. Big ol' size 9!!!! ;) For such a little lady!

Peace Out

Talkin Bout a Revolution

New year, new battles...






You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We're doing what we can
But when you want money
for people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right
Ah

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

You say you'll change the constitution
Well, you know
We all want to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well, you know
You better free you mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Mao
You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right
all right, all right, all right
all right, all right, all right

The Tooth is Out There

 

Look who lost her first tooth! This saweeet young thang!
A few weeks before her 5th birfday and she goes loosin teef!
She not too happy about it huh? I bet the tooth fairy had a little sumpin extra to leave this cutie pie!
Congrats Lucille McGillicutty!

Maddy Callahan

This sweet smile...
that's about all I can write
Think of her family and friends tonight

My Chilis

How could I ever stay mad or angry looking at these four eyes? How could any hurt in this world touch me, knowing that these two monkeys are on my side, if there is a side, in this world.
These two are the greatest thing I will EVER do.
They love me with all my flaws and I am humbled everytime I hear-Mommy, I love you
Because honestly, sometimes I think WHY? I am not the baking, crafty, PTA kind of mom. I am the yelling, hurried, frazzled kind of mom. I am the diseased mom. Amputated due to cancer. I am the mom that cries a lot for no apparent reason. I am the mom that drinks wine while cooking dinner because I am relieved that the end of day is nearing.
Yet these two love me. Sometimes they think I am funny. They even tell me I look pretty.
I am incredibly lucky to of birthed these two creatures.

Peace Out

Lost and Found

As usual, I have been thinking and as usual, it will probably get me a)in trouble or b)no where...
I have been thinking about the lost and found.
What I have lost and what I have found.

LOST
money
hats
sanity
friends
humility
innocence
appendages
fingernails
buttons
causes
love
my mind

FOUND
compassion
keys
love
gloves
dust bunnies
my fav hat

I could actually both lists shousl and could be the same. So does that make me lost? Or found? Hell I have no idea...

Peace Out

Done Gone and Did It!!

Yep, yup, yeppers, yes indeed!
I have booked my ticket to Thailand for the early part of 2010. I am still stunned and numb about the actual purchase and confirmation of my flight. That will soon fade into pure excitement.
I cannot describe the thrill of this adventure for me.
I need to wrap my mind around it more, but will keep posting info as it nears!
I am going alone. No set agenda. Lots of reading material. An open mind. An ipod full of music. A passport. A wing and a prayer. I seriously have tears in my eyes thinking about it!

Peace out!
ไม่พบคำ

The CRAP I Have Written on Facebook

www.boobalicious-trixila.blogspot.com all you need to know

I saw this on someone else's facebook-www.freerice.com. Check it out!

Melissa Skankbomb is my stripper name. But I have to say I may change it in the future.

can i get a hoot hoot?

we hooted and hollared ya'll!

is keeping the moves phunky fresh

ok enough already...can you just let it gooooooooooooooooo

jalapeno ranch dip is on my mind

ohhhhhh margarittaville!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

don't cha wish your margarita was cold like mine? dontcha?

Everybody's looking for something Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused

time wounds all heels

thinks unloading the dishwasher is an a-hole job!

last two weeks before school starts. ready, set ,go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like i am waiting....

I'll have a cup of tea and tell you of my dreaming, dreaming is free

-hate will eat you alive...mark my words

i have a really big deck, wanna see it?

i think i'm going to paint my ivory tower red

last week till school starts. need to sleep in everyday this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mmmmmm 9:00 and rollin out of bed

four little monkeys in a bed....

awwww you look like you need a hug

is missin my chillis today

just fired up my first "fall" scented candle of the season. a little early but i just couldn't resist!

my chillis come home tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cherry bomb red wallet=♥

first day of second grade!!!! woot woot

everybody needs a new tau tau

mmmmmmm cheese puffs!

NO ONE should wear black socks with shorts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thinkin bout zebras

chapstick does a lip good

you've got to change your evil ways...baby

i love diet coke...ok there i said it!

yes, it hurts every damn day

i lurve new shampooooooooop!

what did i do now?!

11 pupies! eleven!!! Xl holy puppy breath!

An even dozen!!!!! 12!!!! Xll

puppy palooooza!!!!!!!!!!!! they are so sinkin' cute!

has clouds in her coffee

says you don't have to live like a refugee

wyatt's first day of ballet!!!!!

i do crossword puzzles in INK...cuz that's how I roll!

i stumble into town, just like a sacred cow...

drinkin coffee, listening to the beattles-let it be- taking a moment before my whackass day starts

why is is stupid hot in september?

and another one's gone and another one's gone, another one bites the dust

Go ahead make my chardonnay

the puppies are opening their eyes!!! hello world!

i've got a black belt in crazy!

Good is good and bad is bad You don't know which one you had

29 fo evvvvvvvvvah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

let your haters be your motivators!

It's hard to see your way out When you live in a house in a house Cause you don't realize That the windows were open the whole time.

i don't care if monday's blue

just ordered a kindle2!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woot woot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is riding shotgun down the avalanch.

It's official...... Hellanor On Wheels. Thank you all for your considerate, kind and touching(james) input on my roller girl names. Hellanor On Wheels will reign fo evah!

trixendle's kindle!!!!!!!!!!!!!! has arrived

keepin it high and tight today

i cannot find my favorite hat!!!!!!!!!!!

don't stand so close to me

one won't talk and the other doesn't listen. ugggggggggggggggggggg

i'm feelin like i should say sumpin nice today...it is tequila tuesday after all :)

the evening just went down the drain

great minds drink a like

meet me in istanbul in 24 hours!

why do i feel like i have the job of two wives, yet i am NOT married?

Doesnt mean that much to me To mean that much to you.

push is coming to shove and i'm ready to shove

"That which we manifest is before us; we are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves" — Garth Stein (The Art of Racing in the Rain)

learn to bend before you break

What a load of crap huh? Yet I keep on crack bookin!

Peace Out

Shockerkahn

If you think you know me the least little bit or a lot, you know why this picture gives me the greatest of joy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shockerkahn, I'm in lurve wichyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out

More

Sometimes I get so tired,
Just trying to find a place,
To lay my head,
I look up to the sky,
I feel the warmest light comfort me,
I've seen the great heights,
Reminding me... that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shores,
I know there's something,
I know there's something more.
I think we're all afraid,
That we might be alone,
Alone down here,
We all want to have some faith,
At least that's true in my case,
To just believe,
I've seen the great height,
Reminding me... that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shore,
I know there's something,
This world may crumble,
Into the ocean,
It could all end tonight,
I undermined you,
Then tried to find you,
My only source of light,
There breathing,
I am alive,
Breathing,
I am,
Alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shore,
I know that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shore,
I know there's something more.

-tyrone wells

My Little Pumkin

Wyatt and I at the pumpkin patch.
I could nibble on this little honey all day long!
We made it through the impending weather and picked out some awesome pumpkins to bring home. We jumped in a hay maze and rode the train. A perfect fall day with my perfect date.

MUAHHHHHHHHHH!

Happy Anniversary

Today my friend Patty and I took our kiddos on the annual pumpkin patch field trip that we have done every year for the last six years.

We met in the fall of 2003 at a community center play area. You know the kind, where zombie eyed moms go as soon as they can every weekday morning cuz there is no where else to go until nap time. Our oldest girls were playing together and we struck up the boring conversation of, how old is your child? does she sleep through the night? how horrible was your labor? blah blah blah...
We exchanged numbers and went on our merry ways.
Then, she actually called me! We decided to go to a pumpkin patch with one year olds in tow. And so it began...
I do not really like to be around other moms. If you know me, you know how true this is. I don't really talk to folks at pre school or at elementary pick up. Not because I am shy, because I don't want to. Patty covers this territory for me. While in the background I make snarky remarks about the other moms.
So we like to say that we have been dating for six years this month.
Patty knew me post 1st cancer and pre 2nd cancer. We have had laughs and tears. We were pregnant at the same time with our second children. As in any relationship, we have had trying times. Quiet times. Good times. Loud times. Thick and thin. I am talking about our waist lines here.
We love to eat Mexican food and read. She has huge boobs I have none. She's tall, I am short. She's skinny, I am....thick.
We've seen joy and heartache. Terrible terrible heartache.
So Happy Anniversary lady! I gots you on my mind!

Peace Out

Beginners Luck

I never play poker. Honestly I don't even know how. Actually I really don't like card games.
So this weekend when I ended up playing poker and drinking a ton of beer, I won a twenty spot!!!
Seriously, beginners luck. Just like someone who says they have never played golf and wins a tournament. I was blind in one eye and couldn't see out the other with my beer goggles on and here in this picture you see my winnings and all my good luck charms. Yep that's an orange stapler that I became attached to for some reason. It kept me in the game!!!
Let it be said that I do not ever plan on playing again. But I do plan on continuing to drink beer and carry that stapler around in my purse from now on!

Peace Out

Put on Your Ballet Shoes

Sweet Wyatt...
Gonna be a soccerina. That is not a typo...
She can't quite pick between soccer and ballet so this fall she is doing both.
I'm burnin the rubber off my tires lately trying to get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to throw my laundry basket in the back of my car and do my laundry by a stream with a rock while one or both of my children do some kind of activity.
Seriously....



Peace Out

There Was a Time

There was a time I really thought I would see you again. It's just not true and I have to move on.
So I say this will all my heart,
I miss you. I'm sorry. I would change it all in an instant.
I swear I dream about it every week. The outcome always happy and peaceful. That dream will never be a reality.



I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

First Day of Second Grade

My sweet pickle Elliot began second grade!!!!!
She's two weeks into it and loves it. Her teacher is FANTASTIC!
Where has the time gone when I could look down and see her nursing while trying to grab at my hair?

Love you rock star!!
Mommy

Cheaper by the Dozen

Our sweet mamma dog had TWELVE puppies yesterday. They are sleeping in a puppy pile this morning, snuggling with their mamma.
I went and got Elliot and her BFF out of school early so they could see the birth. It was really amazing.
So now we have 13 dogs in our house. It's gonna be crazy here for a while. We had no idea she was going have so many!
There is something universal about seeing a live birth. It strips away all the woes of your world when you see life come alive right before you.

Peace Out

Righters Block

I have not really been able to blog lately. It was a hard summer.
I have lost friends through my own doings and through death.
I ask myself this question:
Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Damn, that can be hard to answer for me sometimes. Sometimes I want to rage against the machine and prove my point. Sometimes I actually get tired of my crusade and just want peace and happiness. Love, good gawd, we all want love! We all want to be accepted for the choices we make.
I watched a man be buried this week. A bugle played taps. I twice widowed woman cried. A family gathered together in honor. It was haunting.
I asked myself this question:
Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?
I want to be happy. I want you to be happy.
Life is so short. I can hardly bare the thought of not living the fairy tale.

Peace Out

Happy Birthday Rock Star

My sweet Elliot turned 7 this month. I cannot believe it! I have a 2nd grader!
If you have never met my girl Elliot let me tell you about her...
She is funny and loves to swim. She LOVES pickle flavored potato chips. She's skinny and lanky like I was as a kid. She's loyal and true. She's sweet like candy.
Happy Birthday my sweet girl!

I love you,
Mommy

The loss of Hope

Losing hope is like a death of sorts. Hope can be your best friend, it can be the carrot dangling in front of you that things will get better.
Hope can leave us in an instance. Sometimes by an accident or a poor choice.
When it's gone there can be days, months, years, when you are unsure it will ever return.
Hope is missed on many levels and can be a weight that is so heavy you can barely raise your head.
With no hope, it can be lonely.
Whatever the cause or reason, self inflicted, accidental, or on purpose, just know that hope wants to be in your life. Sometimes it all just feels so.....hopeless

Peace Out

Would You

The sad thing is some days I am all four...

When Blog Worlds Collide

This weekend two of my favorite blogs I read collided. One of the bloggers traveled to the other ones home in another state to hang out for the weekend. I am so envious of this!
If you are an avid blog reader, there are times you feel as though you know someone that you have never met. It sounds a bit stalkerish now that I read that last sentence.
So I keep reading about what the are doing and wondering about how much fun the are having...

Peace Out

New Blog!

I started a new blog!
I am workin out the kinks though...

Check it out
www.grublovin.blogspot.com

Feedback greatly welcome!!!!

Peace Out

Push It

How far would/do you push yourself? To the brink of self ruin. To soaring heights never before reached?
What would you do to attain your goal?
What is your goal?
A clean house?
A marathon?
Perfect children?
Religious piety?
Weight loss?
Good health?
Whatever it is that you covet, what would you do to get it?
I had this friend that would never give up. She never ever ever gave up. Until the very end, she never gave up. She pushed herself, in her weakened state, harder than I have ever seen anyone in my life. She was a giant in heart. Today I think back about her and smile knowing that she was fucking insane, in the best way that one can be out of their mind. Lord love that girl...
So today as I am sick with a pitiful cold, I have yet to sit down. And I think to myself, when is it enough. When do you just say to hell with it all and let peace wash over you. Damn the laundry! Damn the dishes! Damn the homework! Damn it all!
Just be peace.

Every now and then, I get down to the end of a day,
Ill have to stop, ask myself, whatve I done?
It just seems so useless to have to work so hard,
And nothin ever really seem to come from it
- Tom Petty
Damn the Torpedos

When Do You Feel Like a Good Parent?

When is the time you think to yourself....I AM A GOOD PARENT?
Is it when all the laundry is done?
Is it when your kid gets good grades or uses good manners?
Parenting is so complicated. There's so many trial and errors. So many tears and smiles. Sometimes I honestly feel like an impostor trying to act like a mom. Who thought it would be a good idea for me to raise children?
Sometimes I am not a good mom, but I am a fun mom.
Sometimes I am not a nice mom, but I am a good mom.
It's a balancing act everyday.
I love my children more than air. I hope everyday with all my heart that I do right by them.

Peace Out

Secret Garden

Today it was actually sunny here. Ahhhhh could spring be here?
This year, for the first time of my life I am going to plant a garden with my girls. That is a first for me.
I have an acre of land. Cleaning that up every spring is not a first. I do it every year.
While I was outside today, I took a moment to take in everything. The smell of dirt. Hearing my wind chimes. I listened to the wind going through the trees. I even saw a bald eagle today in my back yard.
My girls were playing outside while I readied my little plot of land.
I can rake leaves like a mofo, as for an garden that produces veggies, I have no idea how that's all going to go. Wish me luck.
I will tell you this, I have my little plants started and it's supposed to be nice here the better part of this week. Spring in the North West rawks!!

Peace Out

The Tooth is Out There

Yesterday was the last day I will ever see my six year old with all her baby teeth. Good lawd, I can remember the day I say her first tooth push through said the same thing to myself about her gummy little smile.
Elliot lost her first tooth this week. Her daddy pulled it for her. I am not the tooth person in our house.
Congrats Elliot! You were way braver than I ever was at getting your tooth pulled.
I love you!
Mommy

We've All Got Problems, What the Hell Is Yours?

Seriously, who has the perfect life? Or should I say the life that perfectly suits them?
We all have issues.
I was walking the isles of Target the other day and I hear the woman on her cell phone talking about her teenage daughter being pregnant. yes, I was eavesdropping :)
She was an attractive woman, in her 40's I would guess. Dressed rather nice. Yet, she was going on and on about her kid being knocked up. My first smug thought was, well, at least it isn't me, but then again my oldest is only six...it could be me someday.
So then I was thinking to myself, we have issues. My big glaring one is cancer, but if you are not one of my fans, I am sure you could come up with many others for me.
Folks have issues with:
kids
mates
inlaws
outlaws
drug
drink
health
religion
whatever...
My point is, no one has the perfect life I guess. Money can't buy it either.
This is just something I have been thinking about lately.

Peace Out

Suck It FaceBook

Dear Facebook,
You acted like you were soooo into me. Messages from afar. Folks wanting to hear my story. Friends in the triple digits. It was everything I dreamed of...
Now the honeymoon is over. I ignored the signs at first. I thought you loved my attention. I felt that I really made you happy when I logged in. But the bloom is off the rose and I and starting to notice you don't have that much to say to me anymore. I try and get more friends to make you happy, but honestly I don't think anything will make you happy right now.
As I have always done, I try to be dazzling and write the funniest of comments to make you feel special. I am always sacrificing myself for the love of others.
NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love myself more at this stage of my life. I have way too much confidence to look for approval and affection from you. I know that you are just not into me.
SO SUCK IT FACE BOOK.

Peace Out

Driving at 1am

Last night I went out with a group of people for dinner and then to a friends to drink some wine. Our common bond was an amazing woman who recently passed away. We drank 11 yr old wine from Italy in her honor. It was a bottle that was saved for a special occasion in her life and last night was it. The occasion was her life.
We told stories and looked at pictures. We watched family movies of her. At some points it was surreal. Watching her on the TV screen laughing as she always did.
It seems that saying good bye can take a very long time. I never knew this. She is/was so lovely.
This world, my world, her family's world, her friend's world will never be the same without her in it. Yet when she was in it she rocked it.
Damn I miss her.
I will never be the same.





Pay my respects to grace and virtue,
Send my condolences to good.
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could.
And so long to devotion,
You taught my everything I know.
Wave goodbye, Wish me well.

You've gotta let me go.
-The Killers

My Mouth

Just to let you know, I do not have to watch my mouth.
If you don't like my blog then don't fucking read it.
I can be as rude as I like on here. So do not say I need to watch my mouth.
And if you do need to say anything...Say it to my face.

Peace Out

Dear K

Dear K,
I miss you everyday. Today would have been your 36th birthday. I know you would of had a great party. I know we would have done shots and sang badly.
I think about you all the time.
When I met you two years ago, I knew we both had that wonderful dark side. The humor that few others understand.
I watched you grow a baby inside of you, as you went through chemo.
I met that sweet baby and stood with you in a circle as you honored her life with a baptism.
I walk many many miles and laughed my ass off on TWO Breast Cancer 3Day Walks.
I did shots with you.
I broke bread with you.
I cried with you when you felt scared and so did I.
I witnessed your final walk to a more peaceful place.
I am just one of many who feel honored to have known you.
I have peace knowing that you are in a place where you a whole again. I know you have no more pain and anguish.
Imissyou. Imissyou. Imissyou.
I'll see you on the flip side my friend.

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, WE SALUTE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Place In My Heart

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere all bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worries
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

Done With The Holidays

I am so glad it's all over.
I am just so so glad. Did I tell you how happy I am that the holidays are done?
The girls had a good time and that's what counts.
As for the rest of it, there was a dark cloud over my house. A bad attitude among us. Oh, there were times I could have been nicer, but all in all, I would have to say when one person is MISERABLE, they tend to cast that on everyone.
I will NEVER NEVER NEVER spend my holidays again, the way I did this year. I am so disgusted at a grown persons behavior. Bridges were burned. They next time I have this guest in my house will be a longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg time from now. If ever.
Seriously.
It's just not right.
Seriously.

Peace Out

This is for the Giffy

This blog is for you Mr Gifford....
Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? And when you do feel that way, aren't you glad it's not the other way around?It's never easy to blaze your own trail. You do it well. I am not always such a cool customer. Yet, I have to say being a parent has made me uncool on so many different levels. Mostly, how much shit I will or will not tolerate.
You're a smooth operator and I am gonna try and catch your flow.

Peace Out

My head is a box full of nothing
and that's the way I like it
My garden's a secret compartment
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
Your body's a dream that turns violent
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
The winter is long in the city
and that's the way I like it
-Ben Lee

Fate Smiled at Destiny

These two are the product of love. So sweet. So funny.




I believe
fate smiled and destiny
laughed as she came to my cradle
"know this child will be able"
laughed as she came to my mother
"know this child will not suffer"
laughed as my body she lifted
"know this child will be gifted
with love, with patience
and with faith
she'll make her way"
-Natalie Merchant

Moments of Hope

This year we decided to adopt a family from United Way to help them with Christmas.

I have been thinking quite a bit this year about want vs. need. I am blessed blessed blessed that my children NEED nothing. The want part is a whole different story...

I received the letter below from someone at United Way that describes the painful yet wonderful work that she does.

I cannot tell you how it touched me. The impact, for me, is so tangible.

I will not be giving gifts this year (except a few to my girls)

I will not be doing cards.

I will not stretch my families bank account out just to have something in a box for someone to open.

I will not go to the mall and shop like crazy and get stressed out.

BUT...

I will bask in the love of my daughters and my partner.

I will bake some cookies.

I will make phone calls and tell family and friends that I love them and miss them.

I will say my prayers for love, peace and a long life.

I hope you feel the message below as I did.

Peace Out

Moments of Hope and Triumph

My days are spent sitting on the floor of my office (occasionally exchanged for my

official therapist’s chair) providing therapy to children and teenagers who have been the victims of sexual or physical abuse or other traumas. The children I see have endured unspeakable experiences, and it is my job to help them, in some way, to speak of these things, to heal and to move on to a semblance of normal life. There are children who have been forced by a loved one to perform baffling and humiliating sexual acts, sometimes over a period of years; there are children whose bones have been broken by their parents, and there are children who have witnessed the murder of a parent and held that parent’s hand as he lay dying. The range of these children’s experiences is vast, and too varied to recount in detail.

It may seem as though it would be too heartbreaking to endure, listening to the children’s individual stories of trauma. However, the reality is that although children address their issues in therapy, they do not spend all their time in tears or despair. In fact, many of them seem to have in common a wish, even a drive, to appear and be normal. From this wish, there emerges a sort of hopefulness and even optimism, which can help to propel the therapy forward towards healing. In the process, there is much richness – in the children’s expressions of hurt, fear and anger; in their depictions of their traumatic experiences; in their resolutions of existential dilemmas; in their humor, and in their individual personalities and modes of expression.

There are difficulties in this work, but these do not have so much to do with hearing the children’s experiences: I have long since accepted that these things happen in our world. The difficulties have to do with the children who can’t be reached or helped, the children whose home landscapes are so desolate that the help I provide is not enough to sustain them, and the parents who cannot move beyond their own needs in order to help their children. And there are frustrations, such as the endless mounds of unnecessary paperwork, the bane of all mental health agencies these days.

But, in therapy, there are moments of hope and triumph, moments when I realize something is occurring that is both simple and ordinary, and at the same time, profound and beautiful. What sustains me in this work is the sum total of these many moments.

There are the moments when a child and her mother embrace in tears, the child finally understanding that the mother does not blame her for the horrible thing that has happened and changed their lives so drastically. These are spellbinding moments to witness, rendering me awe-struck by the power of the bond between mother and child.

There are moments when a child moves from the status of victim to that of victor, exacting metaphoric revenge on someone who has hurt him. One such moment is depicted in an eight year-old’s drawing of his abuser, his uncle, behind bars. The uncle reportedly has an intense fear of spiders, so there are many large, malevolent spiders perching on the webs that festoon the cell. Outside his cell, on a table, rests a bowl of popcorn – his favorite food – forever just out of reach.

There are moments when a child arrives at an answer to the age-old question of why bad things happen in the world. After months of struggling with this dilemma, the son of a murder victim, a religious child, demonstrated his answer in the form of a puppet show. In the show, God says “nice” things like “thank you” and “I love you,” the devil says “mean” things like “stupid” and various unprintable words. The human, who is a combination of the two, says both the nice and the mean words, and we understand together that it is our fate to live in a world where people are capable of both divine good and diabolical evil.

There are moments when I feel privileged beyond description. When a distressed teenager hands me her poems, poems about her innermost feelings, born of anguish and despair, I feel I have been entrusted with something more priceless than a medieval manuscript. When children present me with drawings about the therapy itself, I realize I have been given something important and special. These drawings are sometimes of the two of us – drawings in which we hold hands, or perhaps we are piloting a boat with our fishing poles extended from the stern, cruising through serene, tropical seas in which no sharks will ever live. With all these gestures of trust, I’m not sure what I have done to inspire such an honor, but I suspect it’s as simple as the fact that I have taken the time to listen, to respect, and to support. At these times, I realize I have intersected with a young person at a critical juncture, and I have, for a while, accompanied that person on a life-affirming voyage.

And, finally, there are the ultimate golden moments (tinged with some sadness for me), the moments toward which the trajectory of therapy has been leading, when it becomes apparent a child is ready to leave therapy and move along life’s path, no longer needing me to lead or to follow.

Not Feeling It

Today is the 8th of December and I have yet to put up my Christmas stuff.
I just am not feelin' it this year. I am not looking forward to stress of the next couple of weeks. I am feeling a bit hum buggy about it all.
Maybe I need to listen to a bunch of holiday music and watch every holiday show I can. DVR the ones I miss.
I just don't know.
I'm not feeling it.

Peace Out

To Sir With Love

Dear Sir:
You are on the good vibe wheel today. I will be thinking B9!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out

Here Comes Crazy

Ya'll wavin the crazy flag yet? The crazy holiday season flag? The flag that waves and turns folks into freaks. You know the one...
People get incredibly hurried and rude this time of year. Families wait all year to bring up all the crap the hurt their feelings or made them mad some time back in April. Then after being together one too many days, the poo hits the fan.
Don't get me wrong, I am no Scrooge. I love the holiday season. I love doing all the works. But I don't like the crazy.
I also do not like the thought of having to give gifts. It's not that I am cheap or uncaring. It's that I can't stand the thought of buying something to put in a box just to give it because I am supposed to. Hate it. What could anyone in my personal circle need? Why make a list and then KNOW that's what you're getting. The are so many people around us who really do have need. Basic need. Shelter, clothing, food, health care.
My family and I have adopted a family from United Way this year. This family has need. Basic need. I would rather spend my time with my children showing them how to give than get.
Around the middle of March I doubt many folks remember what all the got for Christmas.
Wow reading back over this I really do sound like a scrooge. I may not be explaining myself very well.
But then again maybe I am...

Peace Out

Thankful

What are you thankful for?

Good health?
Family?
Warm house?
Clothes on your back?
Food to eat?

Seems so simple doesn't it? But for some it is not. At least not everyday. We bitch and moan about anything and everything.
Gratitude sometimes comes as a flicker. It leaves as quickly as it comes. Just a little glint of sun through some tree branches on a winter day.

We get stuck in our own story.
I do all the time.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for too much to even mention, but thankful none the less.

Peace Out

Diamonds and Unicorns

This is for you and you know who you are rockin the side pony. Oh yea, try and act like you only did it for Halloween. I bet you do your hair like this every weekend AND that pretty eyeshadow.
You're the best grrl!!!!

Peace Out

Death

I think about it all the time. I think about it daily. Sometimes I think I obsess about it.
It follows me like a dark cloud trying to rain on me. It's like a deep ocean that I am not willing to drown in.
It scares me.
I hate it.
I worry all the time about every cough I get. I worry I will find a lump or bump somewhere. I worry that I will hear the words..the cancer is back.
I think about my body being a mine field. What will be destroyed next?
When will the other shoe drop?
Did it already drop since I have had cancer twice?
Will my girls have a mom? Will they have to watch something horrific happen to me?
Will A have to raise our girls alone?
Death wants to swallow me and I won't let it.
I think about this all the time Every fucking day and I HATE it.
HATE. IT.