Blink of an Eye

Life changes. I have no words right now. No one deserves such pain. Such heartache.
Life is so short. So very short.
Am I wasting it????

Please help if you can.





http://www.gofundme.com/695ico

or

https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/6gCDf/ab/82eey6?psid=bfb8c53c8a4847b4bba56065557e907e

At Dusk

THERE AT DUSK I FOUND YOU~
by Edna St. Vincent Millay

There at dusk I found you, walking and weeping 
Upon the broken flags,
Where at dusk the dumb white nicotine awakes and utters her
fragrance
In a garden sleeping.

Looking askance you said:
Love is dead.

Under our eyes without warning softly the summer afternoon
let fall
The rose upon the wall,
And it lay there splintered.
Terribly then into my heart the forgotten anguish entered.

I saw the dark stone on the smallest finger of your hand,
And the clean cuff above.
No more, no more the dark stone on the smallest finger
Of your brown and naked arm,
Lifting my body in love!

Worse than dead is he of the wounded wing,
Who walks between us, weeping upon the cold flags,
Bleeding and weeping, dragging his broken wing.
He has gathered the rose into his hand and chafed her with his
breath.
But the rose is quiet and pale. She has forgotten us all.
Even spring.
Even death.

As for me, I have forgotten nothing,-nor shall I ever forget-
But this one thing:
I have forgotten which of us it was 
That hurt his wing.
I only know his limping flight above us in the blue air
Toward the sunset cloud
Is more than I can bear.

You, you there,
Stiff-necked and angry, holding up your head so proud,
Have you not seen how pitiful lame he flies, and none to befriend
him?
Speak! Are you blind? Are you dead?
Shall we call him back? Shall we mend him?


Not my usual....but I liked it the first time i read it on another blog. 

PTFO

For My Favorite 11 yr old!

http://smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a637a4d6a63314d7a513d0d0a&blogview=true

I love you Elliot, more than air!!!!!!!!!!!!

oxoxoxo
Mommy

A Survivors Response to Angelina Jolie

I cannot listen to the media anymore talk about Angelina Jolie's choice for a double mastectomy.
I am not unsympathetic to her fear. I know that fear. My issue is this:
She has all the money in the world to be completely out of commission while her home, children and family went on in working order.She has enough money to not argue with doctors and insurance companies to have a realistic reason to use insurance monies.
I live in a woman's house that was killed by breast cancer. I have had breast cancer twice. When you are a slave to the insurance companies you are on the slow track to anything you used to have as a normal life.
Again, I understand her reason and her fear. But for every media outlet to act like her coming out with this information is such an act of bravery, is eye rolling to me at the least.
Most insurance companies would say what she did was elective. She was asymptomatic  I read about her mother, I read about her chances. Average Americans like myself struggle for healthcare. We struggle after lifetimes caps on treatment and cost. We have fundraisers. We gather up meal trains and babysitting. Things that when you have the sort of time and money that this celebrity has, is not a factor.
Again I get her reasons and fears.
All of us want to see our children grow up. All of us want to hold our grandchildren. All of us would LOVE to get this all done in 9 weeks (or so) time. All of us would love to have beautiful new breast. But at certain Stages of cancer you do not get that choice. Most of us have to wait until we get through chemo, while our chest skin tightens and scar tissue is created. Then we begin the reconstruction surgery that take away even more time from our families and jobs. That's just not reality for the average American diagnosed with Breast Cancer to have the experience Angelia Jolie had.
We worry about if our employers will give us the time off and hopefully paid. We worry that if we do get to go back to work out job will be waiting for us. We worry about how our children will get to school or how they will be taken care of during an entire day filled with chemo and doctor appointments. We try not to ask our spouse to take off too much time. We have to keep some kind of insurance somehow  We have to worry of changes in insurance and now having pre existing conditions.
Again I get her reasons and fears.
I really do.
Insurance and the highest of care is not for the poor or middle class.
I cannot blame celebrities for for their wealth That would be silly. I do blame the media for glorifying the choice of a person in this world for coming out with her situation, while millions of people cannot afford something as simple as insurance for a check up on a lump the found.

PTFO

The Seconds

Two more children lost their mother recently.
All I can think is....

Those babies
Those babies
Those babies

I horrifically step into her shoes. I think of last thoughts and wishes and dreams and love for those 2 humans that grew inside of her. Every hair on their sweet heads. Every breath they take. Every beat of their broken hearts, grew inside of her at a time that cancer was only a disease she read about that happened to to other people.
Then it happen to her and she kicked, fought, scratched, and screamed her way to have every second she could with those 2 babies. Those seconds are now over.
All I can think is....

FUCK YOU CANCER
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU

PTFO

In Sickness and in Health

i have been really sick this week.  i havent been this sick in a really long time. it honestley scares the shit out of me. i dont like to be ill. i dont like to go to the doctor. i have had enough of all that in my life.

i will say this, through me fever induced haze i have been introspective. through my larengitious induced throat i have been silent. both issues have taken me aback and caused myself to do a little thinking time under the covers. and with spring being on our heels, getting well feels like coming out of a cocoon. 

i would absolutely say that this was the winter of my discontent. it started in the fall and rolled over me like a steamroller. and i absolutely take credit for the better half of it. i wrote blogs how i wasnt taking any more shit, mostly to convince myself that i wasnt. did you believe me? if so, i am quite a convincing writer...if not, i really didnt believe me either. hows that for truth in publishing?

getting back on track...

seriously, as the sun starts to shine more, and i hear the birds sing, i think of their tweets as a battle cry of new beginnings. eggs will be laid. bulbs will burst out of the dirt the were planted months ago. my voice is coming back figuratively and literally. 

consider yourself warned 

ptfo

Things Coming Across My Wire...

A few things I have been chewing on lately:

Persons who behave like cunts are always surprised when they are treated like cunts.

Tell yourself fewer lies.

A tiger doesn't loose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

Fashion is expected to change. People not so much.

Don't agree with yourself all the fucking time.

You tear me a       part.

Lies are lovely. Truth is mostly a cunt.

Porn is more honest than religion.

Neither your heart or your balls should be easily broken.

Please do me the ultimate kindness of minding your own damn business.

Pain is fuel.

Having one doesn't entitle you to act like one.

Don't ask me what I think of you because I don't.

Haters are people scared of their own emptiness.

Thank you Shahir Zag

PTFO

I Had a Dream

Happy MLK Day.
But that is not what this blog is about.
I had a dream.....

This weekend would have been her 40th bday. FORTY. 40. I was at the last bday she celebrated, here on Earth. It was her 35th.
And I think because I thought about her all weekend, she came to me in my dreams last night.
We hugged. Embraced. I long hug. The kind you give to a long lost friend. She is my long lost friend. She looked so healthy and beautiful. She had a glow.
Imissyouimissyouimissyouimissyou.

Come back soon to my dreams. It's been way too long.
Happy Birthday Day.
I love you.

Peace Out

She's Like a Rainbow

She comes in colors ev'rywhere; 
She combs her hair 
She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
everywhere 
She comes in colors 

She comes in colors ev'rywhere; 
She combs her hair 
She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
Oh, everywhere 
She comes in colors 

Have you seen her dressed in blue? 
See the sky in front of you 
And her face is like a sail 
Speck of white so fair and pale 
Have you seen a lady fairer? 

She comes in colors ev'rywhere; 
She combs her hair 
She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
everywhere 
She comes in colors 

Have you seen her all in gold? 
Like a queen in days of old 
She shoots colors all around 
Like a sunset going down 
Have you seen a lady fairer? 

She comes in colors ev'rywhere; 
She combs her hair 
She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
Oh, everywhere 
She comes in colors 

She's like a rainbow 
Coming, colors in the air 
Oh, everywhere 
She comes in colors

I'm Gunna Have to Quit You

Dear Facebook,
You are an asshole. No really...you are.
You used to be so fun and make me feel so liked and connected.
But honestly, these days, I feel nothing other than contempt for you and all the things that I see I am left out of, uninvited to, never invited to, or simply ignored.
You, dear FB, are the ultimate mean girls club. The games, the politics, the religious crap...it's wearing me down.
To be honest I've met another time suck that doesn't make me feel like shit every time I dare to sneak a peek. It's called pinterest. So there. I have another way to waste time!

Peace the Fuck Out

The Ghost of Christmas Past

 Christmas 2006.
I was in the middle of chemo for my second round of breast cancer. I was weak and frail. I couldn't travel for the holidays. So I called my family and asked them to come to me. And being my family they came.
It was a time in my life that I will never forget. Pictured here are Uncle Steve and Cousin Travis. Me with no wig and those two jokers...well look at them!
Thank you for that moment captured forever.

I love ya'll
Maria

Tell Your Tits to Stop Looking at My Eyes

Boobs. Tits. Hooters. Milk Jugs.
WHATEVAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call them what you may. I used to have them. Now I don't. I had them for many years. Then for reasons beyond my control I cut them off. Then for reasons within my control I chose not to replace them.
I have had many people ask me why. Why not get new perfect round plump titties? This blog will help you understand.
Many of you who read this blog have never known the me who had boobs. You may only know me virtually  so of course you don't know what they where like. You may only know me post surgery so you only know the "BONE YARD". You may know me with boobs and now...boobless.
Let me explain...
I liked my boobs. They were useful, even before breast feeding. They were perky and round. They stood up perfectly to gravity. They were an object of desire. They fed my children.

THEY TRIED TO KILL ME

You have breast cancer....
what a shitty thing to hear.

That will bring it all home to you. That will sober you up. That will make you see what's important.
I have done this rodeo TWICE.
Twice I have hacked away at my body. And one may ask....why don't you get new ones. I say, because I don't think the third time will be a charm.
I never took much stock in tits. They are like golden handcuffs. Everyone thinks they are soooo awesome. One may think they are the visualization of sex. If you have them you are worthy of sexual worship. If you don't, where do you belong in the world as a woman? A woman that is desired.
KA-FUCKING-POW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no boobs= no desire???????????????????????????????
really? Have I become half woman? Have I become only half desirable?
Because let's be real, I can walk this earth with my foobs (fake boobs) on and none of you would know the diff.. But because I am bluntly honest, and for the most part choose not to wear them, AND choose to tell my story, I am seen as only half of what I am?
Whoa
Whoa
Let's rethink sexuality. Let's think about being human.
Let's think of the scores of women who have died. The maimed. The scarred.
I can tell you that from where I stand, I choose to live breastless. I choose to save myself, so how dare anyone want me only if I have boobs...man made or natural. Its an insult. My children want their mother alive. They don't care about the status of my body. I am sure that my husbands daughters would give ANYTHING to have their mother at their side. I am positive that my husband loved his first wife although she only had one breast, I am sure he still desired her. I know he would of done ANYTHING to keep her from dying. I know that he completely accepts me as an amputee.  

We all make choices. I am not here to judge them. But perhaps in some very very small tiny way, I am in YOUR life, to make you see that sometimes, if you peek behind the curtain, you will see that what you may see as a -duh i would get me some store bought titties- moment, is not so easy. Maybe you will see that one cannot judge a book by its cover or bra size.
Maybe you will see that I am whole even as not whole.
Maybe you will see I didn't choose this.
Maybe you will see others didn't choose to die.
Maybe you will see that all I want is to hold my grandchildren,
Maybe you will see my pain.
Maybe you will see that decisions are not black and white.

Maybe you will love me unconditionally.

Peace Out

The Whole Fam Damily

Check it off the list...Thanksgiving 2012.
Having a blended family requires patience and flexability. It requires humor and humilty. It requires putting past greivences aside for a better, brighter future.
My husband and I spent the holiday with my baby daddy's family. Sound nuts? Seemed perfectly normal to me. I have been around this family for 12 years. Since before my oldest was born. These are the people who saw me through having babies, moving house, 2 cancers, the demise of a relationship, the beginning of another, a wedding, and ultimately a holiday. A holiday where we all came together, my new addition of husband and two more little girls. Nothing was akward or uncomfortable. Just good times, good food, and lots of laughing.
We all accept each other, warts and all.
Hmmmmm. Warts and all. It sems to be a theme in my life these days. A category that I feel people fall into. Those who love us warts and all and those who.....simply don't. I am making the choice to only be around those who take all of me. Not the perfect, non-offending, well behaved me. The me that fucks up and stumbles and falls. The me that does stupid stuff. The me that says stupid drunk things. The me humbles herself for forgiveness. The me that wants nothing but love, family, and friendship. The me that cries over loss. The me that craves to do good and be kind but doesn't always succeed.
And that's how we rolled this holiday...the whole fam damily.

Peace Out

The Very Good Year

As years go...
The end of a calendar year makes people look back and look forward. A new year kinda feels like a promise. A promise that THIS COULD BE THE YEAR! 
The year for what I ask? I am asking you, the year for what?
I'm going to tell you for what.......
This is the year with no restrictions. No ill feelings. No enemies.
This is the year that I teach my children what it means to live big. How to be kind and generous.
This is the year that I stop being ok with just is, and start pushing for more.
I am honestly sick and fucking tired of this last year. There, I said it. It's been a piece of shit since September.
Go on notice, I'm done. Here's my battle cry- I'm done with the bullshit.

The very good year shall commence and there will be casualties along the way. But that's how this is going to go down. You shed me? I shed you and all the negativity that goes with it.

I'm going to write something and have it published.
I'm going to take tap dancing lessons.
I'm going to teach my children generosity of heart and actions.
I'm going to walk freely where ever I want or don't want and any one can suck it if they don't like it.
I am only going to apologize once. Take it or leave it.
I'm going to travel, hopefully to India.
I'm going to help others.
I'm going to free myself of the guilt of not doing something I don't want to fucking do.
I'm going to say yes to the good and no to the bad.
I'm going to have a kick ass yard and garden.
I'm going to climb a mountain.
I'm not going to do repeats, of anything. It's all new this time around.
I am going to blog freely with out restrictions.
I am going to do a soul search to figure out who my friends really are. If I can only count them on one hand, that's ok. I would rather only have a few that accept me and I them unconditionally, than many that only like me if I don't fuck up.

And, I'm going to miss a lot of people. The well is poisoned. I can't stick around to be tied to the whipping post. I will admit some of it has been in my head and my fault, and some of it was an easy way to find a bad guy.

Peace the fuck OUT

Decisions

This morning was met with an awkward moment. It's been on my mind all day.

On one hand, I didn't want to cause discomfort in the sitch. So I walked away and went and had a really good cup of coffee, sat in the sun, and had a good long think.

My thinking went around and around in circles. A loop that had no ending.

Right now my life is in a whirlwind of change. With change comes......well, change. Stretching and flexing my heart and mind. Going over mistakes I've made. Wishing to change the past doesn't make it so. When you know better you do better.
Decisions need to be made. For the good of all or the good of me?

Peace Out

Warts and All

Come love me warts and all. I am not perfect. I am a flawed human just trying to make it through.


We all, as humans, fall down. We do wrong. We hurt others. We hurt ourselves.

What sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is our ability to be remorseful. To apologize. To grieve the wrong we have done to others or the wrong we feel is done to us.

I will say today, if you read my blog, if I have hurt you in any way...I am sorry. I would take it all back in a heart beat. I would sail the ocean to show you my remorse. I would write it in the sky. I would draw it in the sand. Whatever it took to take away your hurt I would do.

Saying that one is sorry is not always enough. Sometimes people apologize to make themselves feel better. To take away their own guilt. The offended person is still hurting and really couldn't give a shit how the offender feels.


Just accept me and all my fuck ups.
Warts and all.

Peace Out

Birds of a Feather

Birds of a feather flock together, as the saying goes.
This makes me think of being in school and my flock of friends. And now as my own daughters have their own group of friends, I watch them hang around together.Telling each other secrets. Giggling at things I will never know about.
When you have a child, that tiny small human, you know their every sound and move. What cry means what. They have nothing to hide. In reality you as an adult have nothing to hide from them too. It is a pristine moment in time that two humans know everything about each other. You watch your babys cognitive skills grow and can almost see their thoughts develop as they are made.
It's only as the get older that they learn "privacy". They learn what behaviors we accept and don't. They learn to hide things. Sad but true.
On the other hand a parent learns what question to answer when. A slippery slope. When was your first kiss? When did you first have alcohol. Did you ever do drugs. The questions get harder and the delivery of answers must be carefully timed.
Now I see my daughters with their friends and I can tell by their whispers, there are now things I will never know. That's ok with me. They need their friends. Someone they can trust. Someone who is not a parent or authority figure.
I am so grateful that my girls have wonderful friends. They are nice girls. They have their own jokes. Their own likes. It's a part of them all growing up, learning to trust others.
I am not my children's friend. I am their parent. I am not raising children, I am raising adults. The lessons they are taught right now, through every person that touches their lives, will shape them into the adults they will become. I am so thankful for the circle of friends they have. I do have a careful eye on who is in their lives. I hope my children will gravitate towards like individuals. Birds of a feather flock together.

Peace Out

Disaster Preparedness

Sandy, from what I hear and see, is a bitch! She rolled up on the East Coast like she was invited. Believe me she wasn't. She crashed the party. She was mean. Sloppy sloppy. She turned over tables and spilled everybody's drinks. She's a bitch. Nobody likes her. She's never invited back.

The folks on the East Coast are left trying to clean up their lives. Some just in survival mode. We sit and watch the news as if it happened on another planet. It could never happen to you....until it happens to you.
I  have seen on the news great acts of kindness. Neighbor helping neighbor. Humans being, well, human. I am sure there are those preying on the weak. Shame on them I say. There is a nice place in hell reserved for them, if you believe in hell.

This tragedy has left me thinking about my would plot in the world. Where I live and my own neighbors. I have the BEST neighbors. I really do. A true community. People who would help one another. Whether it be in celebration or in times of need and sorrow. We, on our block, have done everything from pumpkin picking to planting flowers up and down the street for spring to uncover. Babies have been born, loved ones have passed away. All marked with gathering to support one another.

If something like Sandy were to roll up in here, in my neck of the woods, I know who I could count on. I hope they know they could call on me too. I think we would band together to get through whatever nature wants to deal out.

Peace Out

November

I am always glad when November arrives. The main reason....October is done. Breast Cancer awareness month is OVER!
Yes, I am jaded and cynical. Yes I am grateful to be healthy. But dayum I get so sick of all the pink. Pink on EVERYTHING.
Here's a list of the following things you can buy that from what I understand if you buy them you won't get breast cancer ;)

Tic Tacs
VW Bug
Hair Spray
Water Bottle
Lettuce
Tires
Yoga Mats
Pencils
Frisbees
Key Chains
Beach Balls
Coffee Mugs
Pedometer

Can you see why the pink wave can be so overwhelming? I have to wonder with alllllll the products that Give proceeds to research, prevention, and the such....Where's the fucking cure?

Women are still dying...where's the cure?

Peace Out

30 days

I've tried this before, this 30 days of blogging. I usually blog when something is on my mind.
This month I need to be mindful 30 days in a row.
Whooooosh, not always an easy task but I am up for the challenge.

Fall has firm grip on us. Leaves are falling. The rain has begun. And I can say with complete certainty that it has not been the easiest of Falls for me.

Gymnastic Monkeys

My Heroine

This is a time I usually cherish. I love the change in seasons. But this year has been different. For many reason yet no reason at all.
Maybe this post I should just start with pictures from the summer and the good times.

Sometimes you just gotta go!

From my favorite movies.

This is Mr Fuzzy Pants. I watch him from my window when on the computer.

This is my tree climbing monkey Elliot.

Summer date in the verti.

Peace Out