Hump Day

Happy Hump Day Folks!
It is the middle of the week. This means a few things to me. All good things.
It means the weekend is looking down the barrel at me. And I like that.
It means that I have a great deal of Maria time. (Get your mind outta the gutter) Let me explain...
No kids from 8:15-2:00
Then kids for 30 mins
Then no kids.
It's like a mini weekend for me. I can go to a movie, I can shop, I can nap. Whateves!!!!!
I love it.
I so say to you

I SALUTE YOU HUMP DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out

Debbie Downer

Yep, I will have to own this title.
I am not usually a show my ass kind of blogger. I don't want to use this form to air my dirty laundry.
Two things hit me hard in the last few weeks and I vomited it all across the universe with my blog.
Dude, I will get a grip!
So please keep reading. Not all my blogs are such a downer. I am fine, my fam is fine.
Disney was waaaaaaay too much. I am NOT a Pollyanna type gal. Maybe all the happy happy joy joy got to me. I prefer my dark jaded side.
And yes, my mamma did tell me I was special. I was just really digging on some special-ness. I hope to get it back. We all like attention don't we? Gawd, what a dirty hooker I am.
Spring freak is over, schedule back on....Let's do this thang.

Peace Out

My Mom Thinks I'm Special

Every one wants to feel special. We all want that good feeling. Sometimes its little things. Sometimes its big things.
We love that warm fuzzy feeling. Then when its taken away, when we find out we are just a part of herd, it hurts. Like a pinch under your arm.
A really fuckin hard pinch.
A blow to the ego. I will be completely frank and honest here..I was feelin special. Just so very loverly. And then I realized....umph....I'm neither more or less than the next person. I just am. I hate that rug pulled out from under me feeling.
So I'm feelin a little tender dearest reader. A little bruised. Falling back to earth with a resounding thud.
I want to sit in the corner and lick my wounds. I want my specialness back.

Peace Out

Baby Davey is 40

A very very very dear friend of mine is turning 40 this weekend. Dave is one of the kindest humans I know. He is real. He is genuine. He is funny. He is a husband and father. He is a son, and a brother. He is a friend that anyone on this planet would be so lucky to have. And I am one lucky girl cuz he is my friend!
Happy Birthday Baby Dave!
I lurve you 25/8/366!!
Peace Out

Do Dreams Really Do Come True?

I have been in Dizzzznyland this week for spring break. Me and my whole famn damily. What I thought would be magical has been a little slice of hell. Due to some family dynamics and such....it has not all been fun and games.
It all hit me tonight while seeing a Mickey Mouse show, where good over comes evil, it dawned on me that that is not really true. Good does not always prevail. Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes evil wins. Sometimes hard times takes the cake.
I have had a really shitty day. I am old enough to know that bad days pass. But seeing that Mickey Mouse show tonight hit me like a ton of bricks.
Sometimes dreams don't come true. That really pisses me off. I want to go home...

Peace Out

The What Ifs pt 7,800,0283,802,9830

I am stinkin tired today. The what ifs came for a midnight visit and didn't leave until 6 a.m.. Those fuckers know how to party!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night they were loud and obnoxious. Making way too much noise in my head. The following is what they left me to clean up......

What if I never see my favorite beach in Thailand again?
What if the sky is falling?
What if I become allergic to beer?
What if I win the lottery?
What if one of my kids wins and oscar? Cuz the are ALL about the drama!
What if I gain 50 pounds overnight and have no clothes that fit me in the morning?
What if they canceled pinterest?
What if Bachelor Ben really does marry that crazy bitch?
What if I grow my toe nails so long that I can't wear shoes?
What if there is a cure for the common cold?
What if I get asked to be on DWTS?
What if I color my hair blond?
What if I never get a French Bulldog?
What if these dogs we have now NEVER FREAK-ING DIE???????????????
What if I teach my kids to do all the laundry?
What if I became a body builder?
What if I become a race car driver?


No wonder  I can't sleep! So many questions.

Peace Out

Well shit....

I just read a new friends blog about loosing her daughter in utero.
Here's the thing that shocks me on a more global level...
We all walk around this world with our own story. No two are ever alike. They could be parallel or have similar qualities. We may or may or may not know our friends story. Maybe we walk by strangers everyday that we have more in common with than we will ever know.
You/We don't get to this age with out heart ache. with out knowing loss.
My husband lost his wife to cancer. Her children lost their mother. My friend lost a baby for some unknown reason.
One just never knows what lurks behind the mask we all wear.
I feel sad for this gal. It was a few years ago. I didn't know her. But now I do and some puzzle pieces come together in my mind about her. It makes me appreciate her even more. I am not appreciating her loss, but her presence in the world, in my world. I get where the dry funny dark remarks come from. Remarks I enjoy on a daily basis!!!!

Peace Out

Things I will Give Up For Lent

Today being Fat Tuesday, means tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday means the beginning of Lent. Lent is a fasting and abstinence of sorts.

And so Dearest Reader, I have done some inner evaluation and come up with a list of things that I will be giving up for Lent.

Passive-Aggressive people

Biting my finger nails

cancer

Smelly farts

Bad customer service

Sassy talk from my children

Warm beer

Bad Mexican food

Pleats

Poorly tweezed eyebrows

Sensationilistic nighty newa

Temperatures above 85 degrees

Recycling EVERY SINGLE THING

Dogs that smell like ass

Ass that smells like ass

Any clothing with brand names showing

Milk

My gunt

AirSupply

Wire frame glasses

Hell, I could go on and on...but I won't.

Peace Out

Home

We have been home since Friday. It's good to be home. But we cannot sleep. We are still on Thailand time which is 15 hours ahead of Seattle. I have four little girls that don't care that my body thinks it's bedtime at 9 in the morning here. And so I am a bit sleep deprived. It will pass.
It's always a culture shock to go to, and return from, a foreign country. But I gotta tell you, the whole Whitney Houston thing.....it's has no boundaries. Every elevator we got in was playing some thing by her. Every cab ride had the radio with her singing. People would ask us where we are from and after we would say USA they would start chanting WHITNEY HOUSTON!!!!!!! It was nuts! We were even in a bar in our hotel with a lounge singer. She did a WH tribute. We could not escape knowing that children are our future.
There was a bombing in Bangkok and the daily paper featured that and WH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyhoo,
We had a great time! We are so glad to be home. And now I wanna dance with somebody!

Peace Out

Same Same but Different

 

last time i came to thailand, i kept seeing a saying..same same but different. i like the thought of it. i liked the way it rolled off my tongue. but until returning this time didn't  really understand the meaning. now i have this lightbulb moment. all IS the same, but yet its not. the same is the culture, the people, the food, the weather. the different is, time marches on, no matter how slowly. bangkok has changed the tiniest bit, it's very subtle.
now my sweet little getaway island, not so much. the resort i stay at is exactly the same. the staff is the same. they remebered me. the girl at the front desk came out with sweet hugs and words of welcome. just as she did the last time i left early in the morning, vowing to return.
and now i have...on my honeymoon. showing my hubs all the wonders of thailand and this magical island.
i miss my children terribly, but know they are in good hands.


peace out

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

I have a 9 year old who is asking A LOT of questions this Christmas. Someone sent me this letter from a blog they read. I think it's pretty perfect!

Happy Holidaze!

Dear Lucy,

Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: “Are you Santa?”

I know you’ve wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I’ve had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.

The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.

I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)

I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.

This won’t make you Santa, though.

Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.

It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.

With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.

I love you and I always will.

Mama

The Cold Cold Shoulder

The weather is changing. It's getting quite cold outside. Rather chilly.
I am getting in a groove as is the entire house. Soccer is over now on to basket ball. Elliot is a baller dontcha know?
I am settling in to getting to know new people. It was completely overwhelming at first. It still is sometimes but I feel like I have a handle on it.
Here's the rub, and frankly I don't even know how to say this....
Someone who extended a gracious hand to me, now will not even look my way. I am completely baffled. I have very little interaction with this person.....now. They don't wave if they see me, or smile my direction. Now if they had not been so welcoming and warm initially, this would not of even hit my radar. But they were, and I don't know if I should say something or let it go. I am a grown up. I know that not everyone will be friends with everyone.
I know when I have been shitty, but I also know when I haven't. This time I am confused.
So I am going to let this person go. I refuse to keep trying to no avail.
My father stopped speaking to me a couple of years ago. The last conversation I had with him, I asked him why we had not been communicating much. Having cancer twice, I distinctly remember telling him that if something ever happened to me, that my children, his grandchildren, would need him.  There was no direct answer. We got off the phone, me thinking, well, I'll talk to him in a couple of days. Days, weeks months, and now years have gone by. This is not the first time in my life this has happened between us. Frankly, THIS time, I have let go. Whatever his reasons are, I don't know. Now it affects my children. They don't understand why they never see Poppa anymore. I refuse to have my girls in this oddness.
Sometimes that how life is. Sometimes we have to stop trying to fit a square peg into a circle hole.
So.....done done and done.

Peace Out

Miss you

Its been so lonely with out you here, like a bird without a song.

A Promise to Myself

This week I promise to thoroughly enjoy myself. The hustle, the planning, the work.
I promise to be relaxed.
I promise not to worry if I fit in.
I promise that I will drink tons of water.
I promise I will wash off my makeup every night.
I promise to be grateful for my charmed life.
I promise not to talk to anyone who makes me feel sad.
I promise I will try not to yell at my kids.
I promise to read the entire Sunday paper by Tuesday.
I promise to love, chersish, and make him happy to call me his wife.

Peace Out

Struggle

OMG....I am so sick of myself at this point. I must purge.....
This last month has been a struggle for me personally. It's so many things balled into one.
September 29, 2006, I had a double mastectomy. Yes. I know, blah blah blah, you keep tellin us that!
But here's the thing, this year is my 5 year mark. I want to act like it's no big deal. Really I do, but as it gets closer, I have come to realize that it is weighing on my mind.
September 29, 2011, I will be 45 years old. The hell you say? I look not a day over 33 you say? Oh reader, you flatter me. Blush....thank you!
So yes, every year my birthday rolls around, I remember to take a moment to be grateful I get to celebrate another year.
This year though it's just sticking in my craw and I can't seem to blow it off. I should because I have a lot going on. I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have a new blended family of 4 girls. I'm busy. Yet I can always find time for a pity party with a glass of whine!
There are days I miss my familiar. I miss my friends on the other side of town. My girls seem to be doing great making new friends. I feel like I am failing miserably. I keep waiting to feel like part of the club, it's just not happening. It's really fucked up at 45 to feel like I can't meet a friend....can some one pour me some more whine?
I was writing to someone today about the twisted feeling one gets after the broohaha of cancer and chemo. One feels lonely. It's really not right to even say. But if I were being honest, and I am, it's true.
So I liken this feeling of loneliness to a difficult time I had after chemo. Everyone loves a fire but no one really wants to stay after the firetruck leaves.
Here at this new school with this new life, my story arrived before I did. Everyone wanted to see the new girl. It felt exciting and fun for me. New school, new house, meeting new friends. But the reality for me has become feeling invisible. Now you see me, now you don't. I'm being such a titty baby.
I should be running down the street in my birthday suit with the bone yard hanging out screaming thank you baby jesus for my charmed life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
uggggg I'm such an asshole that all I do is whine.
This is an ugly blog today, with shameful feelings of being ungrateful for all that I have. 45 lashes with a wet noodle!

Peace Out

Invisible

Ok so yes...I am blogging two days in a row after bitching yesterday that I had no time. Maybe I just needed one blogging session to kick me in the ass and realize how much I miss it. And in a way, blogging is me time. Time when all is quiet and I am not doing laundry.
So I have been thinking a lot lately how invisible I feel. Like a ghost in a room, I swish around bodies. Someone may feel, ever so slightly that something brushed up against them, turning to look at nothing there. I could pick a little pocket here, take a little earring there. I could nibble off someones plate. Why not? I am invisible.
I think that connections with others keep us from disappearing. The human interaction that, as a social kind of gal, I crave.
When I moved to Seattle in '98, I remember I would be in public thinking I would see a familiar face. I was 2300 miles from Texas, but I still searched for the familiar.
We all need contact with other beings. We all want to be seen in the world. I am in a definite transition right now. Going from my comfort zone into unknown faces, uncharted routine.
We never really stop inward growth do we?
For now I will remain invisible, getting to know my new world. The scary thing is, eventually someone will actually see me.

Peace Out

Why I Don't Blog Much

First Day of School 2011

So here are four major reasons I no longer have had time to blog...

This summer was crazy busy. School starting was daunting. But we all did it. 

I have more than once think about how it must feel for my children to move to a new school, because in a way, so have I.

We have all stepped out of our comfort zone. My girls miss their friends and usually routines. Everything they ever knew has changed. They have handled it all with such grace and bravery. And like them, I miss my friends. I know no familiar faces in the school yard. I kinda like to pretend I'm invisible... if only...

I admire these four. Life ahead of them, full of hope and promise. I'm gonna see if they want a playdate after school. 

Peace Out

This One Goes Out to The One I Love

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

~Brandi Carlile

Long Time Gone

I have not blogged in a looooooong time.

Since school got out in June, I have been in the weeds busy.

I saw a friend of mine the other day and she said she hadn't seen me post in a while and she hoped all is ok.

All is great.

I have moved in with my husband to be. Two adults, four kids, two dogs. Help me baby jesus! I am busy!

Has your life ever been so good that is scares you? How pathetic am I that I cannot just enjoy it? Just sit back and love it for what it is? I am working on this.

My kids are happy, my co-parent and I are getting along. I adore his girlfriend! Everyone is healthy

Take a deep breath......

Peace Out

My Sweet Gentleman Cat

I did not complete my 30 days of shitte.

I jumped off board of that to chaos....

Not all bad but none the less chaos.

The good, went to Mexico for a week with mi amore and two good friends. I will save that for another blog.

The bad, as I mentioned in one of my 30 days of blogging, my sweet gentleman cat was on his way to catnip fields forever. Today he went. And with a heavy heart I tell you that I have lost one of the most loyal, true, loving companions of my life. He has been every where with me. Texas, to Seattle, two kids, two cancers. His unconditional love was undying. He never left me when I fucked up. He never left me when I was sick or happy or sad. He was my buddy through and through.

I was with him today. Making the decision was brutal. As hard as it was, I stuck by his side during the last moment of his life. Thanking him for everything he had ever taught me or done for me. It was so peaceful and I am honored to of been there.

My house is still today. No clik clat claws on my wood floor. No swishing tail or occasional shout out meow to find out where in the house I am. Just still silence.

I miss you Diego, my kitty prince.

Peace Out