A Promise to Myself

This week I promise to thoroughly enjoy myself. The hustle, the planning, the work.
I promise to be relaxed.
I promise not to worry if I fit in.
I promise that I will drink tons of water.
I promise I will wash off my makeup every night.
I promise to be grateful for my charmed life.
I promise not to talk to anyone who makes me feel sad.
I promise I will try not to yell at my kids.
I promise to read the entire Sunday paper by Tuesday.
I promise to love, chersish, and make him happy to call me his wife.

Peace Out

Struggle

OMG....I am so sick of myself at this point. I must purge.....
This last month has been a struggle for me personally. It's so many things balled into one.
September 29, 2006, I had a double mastectomy. Yes. I know, blah blah blah, you keep tellin us that!
But here's the thing, this year is my 5 year mark. I want to act like it's no big deal. Really I do, but as it gets closer, I have come to realize that it is weighing on my mind.
September 29, 2011, I will be 45 years old. The hell you say? I look not a day over 33 you say? Oh reader, you flatter me. Blush....thank you!
So yes, every year my birthday rolls around, I remember to take a moment to be grateful I get to celebrate another year.
This year though it's just sticking in my craw and I can't seem to blow it off. I should because I have a lot going on. I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have a new blended family of 4 girls. I'm busy. Yet I can always find time for a pity party with a glass of whine!
There are days I miss my familiar. I miss my friends on the other side of town. My girls seem to be doing great making new friends. I feel like I am failing miserably. I keep waiting to feel like part of the club, it's just not happening. It's really fucked up at 45 to feel like I can't meet a friend....can some one pour me some more whine?
I was writing to someone today about the twisted feeling one gets after the broohaha of cancer and chemo. One feels lonely. It's really not right to even say. But if I were being honest, and I am, it's true.
So I liken this feeling of loneliness to a difficult time I had after chemo. Everyone loves a fire but no one really wants to stay after the firetruck leaves.
Here at this new school with this new life, my story arrived before I did. Everyone wanted to see the new girl. It felt exciting and fun for me. New school, new house, meeting new friends. But the reality for me has become feeling invisible. Now you see me, now you don't. I'm being such a titty baby.
I should be running down the street in my birthday suit with the bone yard hanging out screaming thank you baby jesus for my charmed life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
uggggg I'm such an asshole that all I do is whine.
This is an ugly blog today, with shameful feelings of being ungrateful for all that I have. 45 lashes with a wet noodle!

Peace Out

Invisible

Ok so yes...I am blogging two days in a row after bitching yesterday that I had no time. Maybe I just needed one blogging session to kick me in the ass and realize how much I miss it. And in a way, blogging is me time. Time when all is quiet and I am not doing laundry.
So I have been thinking a lot lately how invisible I feel. Like a ghost in a room, I swish around bodies. Someone may feel, ever so slightly that something brushed up against them, turning to look at nothing there. I could pick a little pocket here, take a little earring there. I could nibble off someones plate. Why not? I am invisible.
I think that connections with others keep us from disappearing. The human interaction that, as a social kind of gal, I crave.
When I moved to Seattle in '98, I remember I would be in public thinking I would see a familiar face. I was 2300 miles from Texas, but I still searched for the familiar.
We all need contact with other beings. We all want to be seen in the world. I am in a definite transition right now. Going from my comfort zone into unknown faces, uncharted routine.
We never really stop inward growth do we?
For now I will remain invisible, getting to know my new world. The scary thing is, eventually someone will actually see me.

Peace Out

Why I Don't Blog Much

First Day of School 2011

So here are four major reasons I no longer have had time to blog...

This summer was crazy busy. School starting was daunting. But we all did it. 

I have more than once think about how it must feel for my children to move to a new school, because in a way, so have I.

We have all stepped out of our comfort zone. My girls miss their friends and usually routines. Everything they ever knew has changed. They have handled it all with such grace and bravery. And like them, I miss my friends. I know no familiar faces in the school yard. I kinda like to pretend I'm invisible... if only...

I admire these four. Life ahead of them, full of hope and promise. I'm gonna see if they want a playdate after school. 

Peace Out

This One Goes Out to The One I Love

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

~Brandi Carlile

Long Time Gone

I have not blogged in a looooooong time.

Since school got out in June, I have been in the weeds busy.

I saw a friend of mine the other day and she said she hadn't seen me post in a while and she hoped all is ok.

All is great.

I have moved in with my husband to be. Two adults, four kids, two dogs. Help me baby jesus! I am busy!

Has your life ever been so good that is scares you? How pathetic am I that I cannot just enjoy it? Just sit back and love it for what it is? I am working on this.

My kids are happy, my co-parent and I are getting along. I adore his girlfriend! Everyone is healthy

Take a deep breath......

Peace Out

My Sweet Gentleman Cat

I did not complete my 30 days of shitte.

I jumped off board of that to chaos....

Not all bad but none the less chaos.

The good, went to Mexico for a week with mi amore and two good friends. I will save that for another blog.

The bad, as I mentioned in one of my 30 days of blogging, my sweet gentleman cat was on his way to catnip fields forever. Today he went. And with a heavy heart I tell you that I have lost one of the most loyal, true, loving companions of my life. He has been every where with me. Texas, to Seattle, two kids, two cancers. His unconditional love was undying. He never left me when I fucked up. He never left me when I was sick or happy or sad. He was my buddy through and through.

I was with him today. Making the decision was brutal. As hard as it was, I stuck by his side during the last moment of his life. Thanking him for everything he had ever taught me or done for me. It was so peaceful and I am honored to of been there.

My house is still today. No clik clat claws on my wood floor. No swishing tail or occasional shout out meow to find out where in the house I am. Just still silence.

I miss you Diego, my kitty prince.

Peace Out

Day 23

Dear Ebay,

You are a vixen. A little minx. A tease.

I come to you every night whispering my words of desire. You show me all I could have in this world and in the last 2 minutes you pull the rug out from under me. And you know what? I know I am not alone in this yearning for you! You have thousands....no millions, just like me who dare to tell you all their secrets, only to be left empty handed. sigh......

There are others how try to copy you in some fashion. I gave Craigs List a shot but it just didn't have the bells and whistles that you do. You with your slick looking dream catchers. Technicolor desires. I hate you! I love you! I hate you! I. Cannot. Live. With. Out. You. and you know it! damn you!

I'm gonna quit you smarty pants Ebay! I will if it's the last thing I do, right after I tell you about my dream of a new camera....

Peace Out

Day 22

Well, Easter weekend and a cold got the better of me and I have dropped the ball on 30 days of blogging. If you don't mind, I think I will start back up where I left off....

I don't think that a day goes by that I don't think about dying. I have blogged this before.

I, in a round about way, knew someone who died recently. He knew he was dying, and choose the date of his death.

There is a program called Dying with Dignity. It covers a wide area, such as getting your things in order, financial and what you can of the emotional. It is not a suicide pact of any kind. A person who would look into this would be terminally ill.

I am torn....

Would my ego and gumption keep me from doing this? Would there be a spark somewhere inside of me that still felt hope? Or would I accept my plight and try to say all my goodbyes? Write letters to my children. Apologize to those I hurt and cuss out those who hurt me? Would I be fierce to the end or a lamb of grace?

Like I said, I am torn.

I will say this, today I am not ready for anything other than living. Seeing my children grow up and holding my grandchildren.

When people say to me, OH! You're a cancer survivor! I say no, I am SURVIVING.

The day I hold my grandchild, I will be a survivor. Until that day happens, and I've got my eye on the prize!

Peace Out

Peace Out

Day 21

1. Diet Coke, Coors Light, and Funyuns are my weakness! Yes I am a hick.
2. I have had breast cancer twice.
3. I never thought I would have children. Now I have 2.
4. I love to cook and I am really good at it.
5. I hate it when people smack their gum. So low rent.
6. I have kissed a girl, with tongue.
7. My favorite color is red.
8. I prefer a Merlot to a Cab
9. Frida Khalo is my personal heroine.
10. I think O.J. did it.
11. I am jaded and cynical.
12. I love my children more than air.
13. I can successfully navigate the subway system in NYC.
14. I hate anime.
15. I love shoes.
16. I could eat Thai food everyday.
17. I think one of the greatest luxuries in life is watching tv in bed!
18. I think vegetarians should only get to eat vegetables. None of this fake meat, chicken and cheese stuff. If you don't want to eat meat don't try to fake yourself out. Believe me, that crap tastes like crap.
19. I belong to a book club. How Oprah of me.
20. I have done 2 sprint triathlons, and 2 60 mile 3 day walks.
21. I prefer to be very direct and honest. Sometimes blunt.
22. I could o.d. on ding dongs.
23. Cannon Beach OR is my favorite place on the planet.
24. I only trust two people...One of them is me and the other is not you.
25. I think I can be very charming and funny.

Day 20

I went to high school with this girl. We weren't really friends. I was more friends with her brother. I actually felt like she never cared for me. We were in the same grade and her brother was a year ahead of us. Let's call the brother Dick and the sister Jane...no pun intended with the bro's name!

I distinctly remember having a beer with Dick the day that Jane gave birth to her son. We were with a group of people and I knew he had just come from the hospital, where he had met his nephew for the first time. We were all having beers, but Dick seemed quiet. Just not quite himself and certainly not the happy new uncle! I leaned over and asked him if he was ok. I remember his pause and then his eyes watered as he told me Jane's newborn boy had Down's syndrome. He then he sat there quietly and finished his beer and left.

As a reminder, I had not seen Jane since high school, yet I was deeply saddened by the news.

This was many years before I had my own children and the invention of facebook that has magically reconnect the entire world.

Fast forward to present day, the days of facebook.

I am now friends with Jane on fb, after many years. I really had thought about her and her son from time to time through the years. Especially at a time when doctors thought my youngest child may have a form of Down's, which I will add, she does not.

Yesterday she posted a picture of this beautiful child standing outside waiting for rain.As I stared at the picture and his smiling face I thought of how the ugliness that this world can sometimes have, will for the most part, never effect him. Oh I am sure he has hard days and so do his parents. But I am willing to bet he is happy. I bet he has joy most of his days. You can see it in his eyes in all the pictures she posts. You can tell by the updates Jane gives how he loves big dog licks and loves to go out to eat.

I envy his innocence. I envy his freedom. When I say freedom I mean, freedom from a world that is not always kind.

Jane was made to be this child's mother. I have no idea if she feels that way, but I can tell in her writings about him. He is a very lucky boy, and she a blessed mother.

Peace Out

Day 19

Once upon a time there was a girl who had three fabulous friends. They were young and fun. They loved to do lunch and lay out and go to bars at night and hear music. This was before the days of cell phones and computers. They loved mini dinner parties. They were finding their way in the world.

If only I could run the reel of our times together over and over in my mind.

We are now "grown ups" doing grown up things. We live in different states.

I think back to a night in a parking lot of a bar we had closed down. We were all drunk and talking. We had had such a fun night. It was perfect under the summer stars. Out of the blue I thought to myself and said out loud.....

It will never be like this again. If I could take back those words today I would! But time does not stand still. And it never was the same....

These three people had a huge hand in forming me as an adult. I will forever be grateful and happy for the awesome times we had together.

Peace Out

Day 18

There was a person who once stayed in my house for an extended period of time. It was not a pleasant stay and it ended quite badly.

Lies were told, trust was broken, and things were never the same.

When they stayed at my home, I never felt comfortable if I left the house and they were alone. I felt watched and snooped upon. I had no clear evidence of this, but I could not shake the feeling.

One summer evening, I went out with my family and this person was alone in my house. I came home, nothing was unusual, just the same awkward strain as always and I went to bed.

I come to find out the next day that this person went into my bed room and proceeded to read my journal. The excuse was that they needed a book to read....Funny, I thought, there is an entire bookshelf downstairs with more than one hundred books on it. Why go into my room? WHY GO INTO MY ROOM? That's my private place. No one should go in there with out permission. What the hell?

I could not give a shit what was read. I knew exactly what I had written. My journal was a place for me to vent rather than giving this individual a smack down. It was sometimes the only place I could go to calm down.

There is NO excuse, there is NO explanation that will ever make it ok that this person did that. Even if they thought I was a terrorist, which I am not. I think this person thought it was alright. I really do. I think they thought they were untitled...out of worry.

Needless to say things got very ugly and that was the end of that.

Except it wasn't....

This person went to others and told the to watch out for me. I wasn't who they thought I was. I wasn't the person I showed myself to be. Because of what I had written. What I had written was only about the house guest and no one else. I am, guessing they didn't tell anyone that. I bet donuts to dollars they never said they were snooping.

Things were never the same. Not only between me and the visitor, but also many other folks.

And if by chance you are reading this, and you think to your self.....that's not a true story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I promise you it is. You just only heard one side of it.

Peace Out

Day 17

A letter to me at 19

Dear Maria,

Break up with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously he's not worth it. You're smart to always tell him no when he talks about getting married. You don't end up with him anyway. You don't end up with anyone great few quite a few years.

You should wash your face every night. You'll be happy you did later in life.

Don't worry about your body. Be glad you're healthy, because your'e going to have some rough patches in that department. You'll get through it, but you'll be changed in ways I can't articulate right now. Trust me though, you'll be ok.

I know right now you do not believe you will ever have children. You will, two girls that you will love more than air. Crazy huh?

You'll love men who don't love you and there will be men who love you that you won't be able to love back. Even with that being said, you'll do just fine.

You will not live in Texas your whole life.

You will have a job that will let you travel and see the world. It will be more valuable in shaping who you are, than any book education. You will have a passion for traveling that will last your whole life.

You will live in your dream home.

Your relationship with your parents will always be rocky. It is what it is. Don't beat yourself up over it.

You will actually teach yourself to cook and love it.

This is what I know right now. Use it as you will. Just remember, love yourself and the rest will follow.

Peace Out

Day 16

I love to travel!!!!

LOVE IT!

I was reminded today how much I love it.

I took a ferry this morning over to a saweet island here in the Seattle area. As I waited in the terminal I sat and people watched.

One of the things I love most about travel is going in the same direction as a group. No one knows each other. Maybe a family here and there but for the most part traveling is silent. Especially when I travel alone. When I travel by myself, I can make the choice if I connect with others. I am not a shy or quiet person, but sometimes to be able to sit very still with my own thoughts, yet still be around others, is awesome to me.

Traveling gives me a sense of how we are all connected.

Very soon I am going to Cabo. In early 2012 I am going to Thailand again. But to be honest, today gave me tons of satisfaction and will hold me over until I am Mexico bound. If I get itchy feet before Thailand, I think I will just jump on a ferry and feed my need for adventure.

Peace Out

Day 15

This day will be very simple.
Happy birthday Dave!!!!!
I hope you have a great day. You are an awesome friend,husband, and dad!
May 39 be a banner year. Here's to future good times.
Cheers! Maria

Day 14

Excuse me.....Do I know you? You look so familiar to me!
Seriously, do you know me? Or only know what you've heard about me? Or only know what I choose for you to see?
I was thinking about how well a person knows another.
When we give birth to our children, we know their every move, cry, giggle. They are a complete open book. They have yet to learned to hide. Yet there does come a time they develop their ownness. They figure out what society will accept. They figure out how to keep secrets.
So by the time we become adults and have partners, we have learned very well how to hide the face behind the mask. We want to be loved, so we keep the darkness hidden...sometimes.
Granted, not all are like me. I have a dark side. I have a side that is not so cute.
Currently in my life, there is a person that does not know me really at all. They only know what they have been told and also what they have seen of me on our very few encounters.
Sometimes I want to jump up and down and shout-YOU ONLY KNOW HALF OF THE STORY. If even that much. I did not make a choice for this person to be in my life. And to be honest I know very very little about them. We circle each other tentatively. I have much knowledge that would help this person but it is not for me give out.
So I keep silent. And in the end we are no closer to knowing each other better than we did when we had no idea the other one existed.
It's such a slippery slope. We just don't really know one another and may never. I have no idea at this point.
My question is, who do you feel really really knows you? Who knows the side that you hide? Who is the person you really know?
Think about it....

Peace Out

Lucky 13

I used to be a flight attendant. Many moons ago. Part of our training was customer service. Talking to the public. Being appropriate and unoffensive. Even if the passenger was a complete asshole.

You know the drill, keep topics neutral. Do not talk about sex, religion, or politics.

I suppose it was easy enough. Plus I was pretty young and had few views other than what was my favorite beer.

Now these days, I have quite a bit to say, though most of it is bullshit.

The three forbidden topics are still a constant. People want to push their agenda on others. They want you to think they way think. And if you don't...you are wrong. Or even worse, going to hell.

Luckily I live in a country that allows me to think whatever I want and act upon it with in the law.

Which now brings me to the topic of my blog:

Religion. Ewwwwwwwwww-what a dirty word.

Lack of religion. Ewwwwwwwwwww-what a dirty concept.

No matter what side of the fence you are on, it is an age old argument. All three topics are on the news and every social network in the world. I may be quite unpopular on this one, but I don't want to see your cause on facebook. I go to FB to waste time, not read you bashing politicians or quoting scripture. Aren't there better places for that? Why ram it up others noses until they unfriend you?

I, particularly, cannot tolerate anyone pushing religion on me...OR MY CHILDREN. People use religion as a weapon to make others conform. Wars are fought over religion. People are killed.

What blows me away is the judgement that humans put upon other humans. As if they live a life of sinlessness. What a crock of shit.

I know a person who is like this. We all do. Instead of a life filled with love and family, this person completely alienates their family and others, with their judgement, and then cries about it. This person is difficult for others to be around. I am constantly amazed and not in a good way.

I mean seriously, what's the golden rule that we were supposed to learn in school?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Hmmmmmm ok.

Let's all remember that. Because we all want to the right to our own opinions, beliefs, and sexual preferences.

Peace Out

Day 12

Never ask a lady how old she is or how much she weighs. At least that's what they say.

But seriously, will those two facts really matter when we take our last breath here on earth. Will it matter what your dress or pant size is while laying in a coffin? I think not.

Here's the thing. People spend millions of dollars on weight loss. That's not really the subject of this blog though.

The subject is really about how we feel about ourselves. It's about self acceptance. Do you like yourself just way you are? Well you should. What good does it do any good not to? Do you have female children? What kind of message do you send to them if they hear you talk about how fat you feel or think you are?

I really really think about it. I make a huge effort that my girls never hear me talk disparagingly about myself. Especially with the fact that I have no breasts and have chosen not to change that. When I made the decision not to reconstruct my breast after a double mastectomy, my children played a huge role in that. At the time they were too young to know any different. That is starting to change the older they get. When they enter puberty and start to develop, they will do so with a mother that has no breasts. I will tell them it doesn't matter, because my self worth is not tied up in that. Also with that last statement I say...to each his own. We all have choices to make.

So I try my best to love myself as I am. Lumps in the wrong places, and bumps that gravity has taken control of.

I want my girls to embrace the differences in their bodies, and others. None of us are perfect. Not even the gals in magazines.

Love yourself. Accept yourself!!!!!!!!!!!! You're perfect just like you are!

Peace Out

Day 11

Before I begin this blog, I need to clear up my days here. I blogged on Friday but for some reason it didn't post until Saturday. I didn't blog yesterday and now I am today. I goofed but I am still trying to stay on track.

This is my cat Diego. He is 16 years old. He has been with me since I lived in Texas in 1995. We have seen good times and bad times. He has loved me without condition. He has snuggled with me when I have been sad or sick.

These days Diego has slowed down quite a bit. In this picture he was only about 9. Full and healthy. A 20 pounds cat when he was at his prime. Never fat, mind you, just big.

He has moved everywhere with me. He sat on the dashboard of a moving truck for three days when I moved from Texas to Seattle. He has been through children pulling his tail and dogs invading his space. He has lost his kitty sister, Frida, 5 years ago.

These days he is an old man. He walks slow and limps up and down the stairs. He sleeps more than usual and has a hard time breathing. I know his days are coming to and end and it breaks my heart to know I will looses a dear friend soon. His quality of life is good. He takes no meds nor needs any special handling. I know the day will come when that is no longer true and I will need to make the very very hard decision...

Until that day, we will snuggle a little more. I will give him all the petting he desires.

Peace Out