Home Sweet Home

I am home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a week in the inferno known as Texas I am home where I belong. In the Northwest. It's raining and about 60 degrees. I belong here. Every molecule in my body tells me this. I am like a homing pigeon. My gps points me here. I was meant to live in rain. It just took me a while to get here. Now don't get me wrong a am a Texan. I will spit in your eye if you call me anything else.
I was a flight attendant in a former life and I have free tickets. Free meaning flying standby. Ugh the summer is a nightmare, the flights are full and it was not easy getting home yesterday. But here we are! We had a great time. The girls got to spend time with Poppa and Sittee. We celebrated my dad's birthday.
Now I am back in my nest with my guy. He tried being single guy for the week but to be honest, I think he missed his girls.
School starts in 3 weeks. I have a first grader. Holy Hanna when did that happen? She's already got her first day of school outfit picked out. A dress with jeans. What a hipster. What a fashionista.

Peace Out

Burning Off My Nose Hairs

Holy Inferno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am in Texas seeing my folks and it's been freaking 105 all week. My nose hairs are singed. Hot hotter than hell. I HATE the heat. I completely hate it. My Father's birthday is in August and it always seems we are here to celebrate. August is the ass time of year hear in Dallas.
We can hardly go outside with out a heat stroke. If you get in a car after it has been in the sun your skin will melt off. I. AM. NOT. EXAGGERATING.
Country road take me home to my dreary rain and clouds. To the place I feel the most at home. I need my soggy ground squishing beneath my feet. Please please no sun for at least a week for recovery. Draw the blinds, pull up the covers.
GET ME OUTTA HERE!

Heat out

Contest

While taking to a friend of mine today, she was commenting how she'd love to hear stories about THE thing that our mates do that makes us homicidally insane. So crazy that you want to hoover over them in the middle of the night with a pillow.
Email me your stories. I would LOVE to hear them. I may blog about my own...
trixila@gmail.com


Peace out

Boobalapooza

It started with a dream and ended with some hang overs. Some of my home gurls and I went on a little vacation. We were in various states of dress and undress all weekend.
We all belong to a club we never wanted to join. Breast cancer survivors. So we make the best of it with lots of drinks and pharmaceuticals and tons of laughs.
We had a weekend with no work, no partners and no kids. I think it's safe to say we all had a blast, but we were ready to get home to our nests and plan the next trip.
As crazy as it seems, I would have never met these gals and their families if it weren't for that asshole cancer.
We made some great memories and wonderful bonds. I am gushing now.

Peace Out

Happy Birthday Rock Star

My baby turned 6! She of course says that she is no longer a baby. Six seems to fit her very well.
For her birthday she wanted a garden party. We planted flowers, ate PBJ's, had cake. Pictured is the cake she designed herself and all the flower we planted.
Happy birthday my little rock star!

I love you more than air,
Mommy

I Hurt My Paw

It's all cancer's fault.
Had I not had breast cancer and had to do a benefit to raise money to walk 60 miles, this would not have happened. I would not of had to dance my ass off and have fun. I would of been sitting on my couch on a Thursday night like any normal mom, with my tits still attached and my hair still long and 30 pounds lighter.
Oh but noooooooooooooooooooo
I had to go and raise money for breast cancer research and dance the night away with the most amazing women that I have ever met. CRAP!!!!!!!!!!
Damn you cancer!
I have to have my foot in a boot for 4 weeks and do crutches for 2 weeks.
I was the happiest girl at the doctors office today. Have you any idea how good it feels to go to the doc and cancer is not the reason?
I happily accept this broken foot. If that's the cross I have to bare then so be it. :)

Peace Out

It's Been a Long Time Since I Rock and Rolled

We put on quite the show. And I do not mean the music bands, I mean me and my merry band of drink swilling, cussing, brassy, almost going home with the po po, breast cancer survivor friends.
We are a scene. I guess after what we've been through we just throw all caution to the wind and show our asses.
It was so fun. So fun. Thanks to all who came out. If I said or did anything that offended anyone, well... I .... Um.....
Hope you had fun too!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out




Its been a long time since I rock and rolled,
Its been a long time since I did the stroll.
Ooh, let me get it back, let me get it back,
Let me get it back, baby, where I come from.
Its been a long time, been a long time,
Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.
Yes it has.
-Led Zeppelin

Rock-N-Roll Fund Raiser

Dear Friends,
On June 26th, 2008, there is a fund raiser for my 3day Breast Cancer Walk team. One of the members of my team, Anna, and her husband have set this up. They are AWESOME!!!!
Anna's husband Kevin has gathered his band and some other local bands to play for the cause. The venue has also been donated!!!!
All we need now is folks to come and hear some good music and donate to a VERY important cause!
Below is all the info from our press release.
Please let me know if you have any questions.
If you would like to donate to my team directly or myself, please go to:


http://08.the3day.org/goto/mariaewing
http://08.the3day.org/goto/lickitysplits


As ALWAYS, thank you for all the support and love!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please pass this email to anyone you think would be interested!

Love, Peace, & Rock-N-Roll
Maria







Following is the actual press release. Please share our story and
the info about the show with EVERYONE you know. Thank you, thank you,
thank you.




CONCERT TO BE HELD AT HEAVEN NIGHTCLUB (FORMERLY THE CATWALK) TO RAISE
DONATIONS FOR THE "LICKETYSPLITS," A TEAM ASSEMBLED TO WALK AT THE
BREAST CANCER 3 DAY WALK BENEFITING SUSAN G. KOMEN FOR THE CURE

26 JUNE 2008

Featuring popular local rock bands, Trepan, The Second Academy, and others

Thousands of women and men come together, each raising at least $2,200
for Susan G. Komen for the Cure and the National Philanthropic Trust
Breast Cancer Fund. Then they take their commitment to end breast
cancer one step further and walk 60 miles over the course of three
days. Eighty-five percent of the net proceeds of this event go to
Susan G. Komen for the Cure. Every advancement in breast cancer
research, treatment, education and prevention in the last 25 years has
been touched by a Komen for the Cure grant. The remaining fifteen
percent of net funds goes to the National Philanthropic Trust Breast
Cancer Fund to provide a permanent endowment for ongoing support of
breast cancer initiatives.

The "Licketysplits" are a team of young women in their 30's and 40's.
It is a group made up of mothers, artists, newlyweds, and amateur
oncologists. A majority of this team are young breast cancer
survivors. These women are gathering from the four corners of the
United States, in alliance to help provide funds for breast cancer
research, and ultimately a cure. Young women CAN and DO get breast
cancer. While breast cancer in young women accounts for a small
percentage of all breast cancer cases, the impact of this disease is
widespread: over 11,100 young women will be diagnosed in the next
year. Please attend our benefit concert, listen to some great rock
music, and enjoy the ambiance and spirits of Heaven Nightclub.

Heaven Nightclub is located in the Pioneer District, at 172 S.
Washington, Seattle, WA 98104.

Doors open at 8:00pm. Show starts at 9:00pm. $5.00 cover charge, as
well as any donation you can make.

For additional information please call: 206-622-1863, or Kevin
Schumacher at 206-909-1322.

--
maria e w i n g
(.) (.) find a cure
www.boobalicious-trixila.blogspot.com

3day Breast Cancer Walk

Dear Friends and Family,

Yes, I'm doing it again - I signed up for the 2008 Breast Cancer 3-Day! I had such an incredible experience doing the 3-Day last year that I'm going back for more. I'm so excited about this event, even though this year I really know what I've gotten myself into.

It seems inadequate to try and explain the experience I had last year with words. I was on a rather large team and we had a blast, but there was a core group of us that really bonded.That core group is now going by the name The Lickity Splits. These girls are crazy and fun and passionate about life.

My girlfriend Jacqueline Reid flew up form Texas to walk with me. She will be with me again this year!

Anna Schumacher is completely insane and makes the best hats!

Kristin Haugen (kdawg) is a bruiser. I wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley! Darkly funny.

Courtney Fede is a sweety.

Carol Franco loves nachos and would do anything in the world for you.

Nicole Taylor is on her 5th year as a survivor. GO COLIE!

Angie Kemp is Anna's redneck cousin who is flying in from South Carolina is walk with us.

Diana DuVerger and Angela Rapp are flying all the way from Massachusetts to walk and support Kdawg.

Angela Cough is walking to support Anna.

I send this email to some of you whom I talk to frequently and to some I have not been in contact with for a while.
As most of you know in the summer of 2001 I found out I had a form of breast cancer called DCIS. It was noninvasive. I had it removed and also had radiation treatment. Clean and simple. I thought I was DONE!
For five years, I lived relatively worry free until this last summer of 2006. I found another lump in the same breast. Consequently, I had a double mastectomy and just finished chemotherapy on February 1, 2007. Now almost 2 years after surgery, I am DONE DONE DONE!!!!!!!!!!! Life is now gotten back to "normal" or should I say the new normal.
Here's my quest...
In September of 2007 I walked the Breast Cancer 3 day, 60 mile walk for a cure for breast cancer.
I raised almost $5,500.
ALL net profit went to the Susan G Komen fund. Money raised goes to the fight to find a cure and prevent breast cancer.
Here I am again asking for donations for the 2008 walk. It will take place in September.
I am not a fund raiser by any means. But this is important to me and anyone touched by this insidious disease.
Please consider any amount. It all goes to a good cause.
I walk for those who go before, with, and after me. I walk for my beautiful daughters. I walk to hold my grandchildren.
Please email or call me if you have any questions!! You can go to my webpage- http://08.the3day.org/goto/mariaewing
and donate.

This event isn't easy, but I promise you, I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't believe 100% that it was worth every muscle ache, weary night and training walk.

I need your help.

If you have any questions or want to hear more about what I'm doing, I love talking about the event. Thanks for all of your support. I'm incredibly lucky to have people like you in my life!

Love,
Maria


http://08.the3day.org/goto/mariaewing
http://08.the3day.org/goto/lickitysplits
--
maria e w i n g
(.) (.) find a cure
www.boobalicious-trixila.blogspot.com

The UnGift

The other day we received a package at our home. There were books for my daughters in the package. I am reading one of the books to my girls and I see a sticker smack dab in the middle of a sentence. I think to myself, wow that's strange that there's a sticker blocking a word. Under further inspection, I lift the sticker and the word underneath it has been altered by the book sender. You could tell it was not a publisher error. The sender of the "gift" tried to alter a word and then covered it up with a sticker.
The word was HAM. As in ham sandwich. As in PORK. The other white meat.
I know for a fact, the sender of this"gift" does not eat HAM. I am pretty sure the sender doesn't want my children to eat it either. But seeing that they came out of my body, I will be the decision maker here. This is not to exclude their father, my partner. We all eat meat in our home and occasionally pork.
I do digress...
My question here is:
Is a gift really a gift when altered only to the senders liking? Wouldn't you just not buy the gift if there was something you didn't like about it? Are you sending it with a open heart when you change it?
This kind of shit makes me crazy. CCCCCRRRRRRAAAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYY
Aren't I as a parent the one to filter what my little sponges soak up?
It does no good to address the sender. They will never admit wrong doing. And yes, I think it was wrong to change the word then hide it. Maybe wrong isn't the right word...
Controlling
Weird
Freaky

Peace Out

The Funniest Damn Thing

This is a real Craigslist ad that some saw and sent to me. It hits home for me and I think it's hilarious. I didn't write it, but I sure could of.

Peace Out

A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant.

---

Date: 2008-03-30, 10:13AM PDT


I'm not.

I know that I seem to be more of child bearing age than cancer producing age, and I know that my newly flat chest due to a recent double mastectomy makes my belly protrude and makes me look preggers.

I'm not.

I know also that, despite eating healthfully and exercising a ton, the roids and the hormone therapy I've had the pleasure to experience are to thank for the nice round tummy growing before my eyes. Hell, even I tend to think I look pregnant.

But I'm not.

Yes, I realize too that I tend to wear a lot of empire waist and babydoll dresses these days, further adding to the "pregnant look". but frankly, since most of my pants hide in fear when I approach them in the closet, these dresses are a much better option.

I'm flattered that maybe you think I'm "glowing". I guess 25 rounds of radiation will do that.

But please, PLEASE, unless you see my water breaking, don't ask me "Is it a boy or a girl?". Um, it's tamoxifen, thanks for asking.

I don't want to have to blurt out the truth any more than you want to hear it. But frankly, I'm tired of trying to make you feel better about your dumb mistake. Now, I just answer, "NOPE. It's cancer. Bellies look bigger when you've had your breasts removed." Sorry. I know you're probably driving home feeling stupid. Good.

And of course, the irony that you'll never know, is that I probably won't EVER be pregnant, thanks to all this lovely crap.

Don't you know that you never, unless you're absolutely sure, ask a woman if she's pregnant? You just don't. Ok, maybe if she's got her legs up in the air, is panting like a race horse, and someone with a surgical mask is yelling "PUSH" at her. But even then, you should really be sure before you ask.

And for god's sake, please, please PLEASE don't pat my belly. It's just fat and it's really embarassing when you do that.

So unless you literally see a baby's head poking out of my vagina, please stop asking me if I'm pregnant.

I kicked cancer's ass. I can certainly kick yours.

Thanks.

PS - To be fair, I should mention that I am somewhat flattered that people think I might actually be having sex.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 624032499

---

Copyright © 2008 craigslist, inc. terms of use privacy policy feedback forum

Shape Shifting

This blog is for Poppy, Popster, Popstar.

It feels like having tourettes. The feeling that at any given moment we want to blurt out something about cancer. My friend wants to tell folks in her office, at any given time, that her hair is short because of chemo. Some of us work in into conversations.
We aren't who we were, yet we aren't who we're going to be. The image of ourselves is shifting. Never staying in one place. We sometimes don't know what we want to be when we grow up anymore. Some of never really knew. Some of us did, but no longer want to be that.
When I go out now and I have my boobs on and my hair did, I look like every other or any other mom in my town. Driving a mini van with sweats on because I had to get up at 6 AM to work out because I have no time for myself during the day because I am taking my kids to soccer and gymnastics and playdates and the grocery store...
BITTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Party of one, your table is now ready.
Anyhoo, I am no longer the bald freaky, eyebrowless lady at Target that gets sympathy stares.
You know what, I was a celebrity in my own right. The lady that has cancer with two small kids. The lady with a freezer full of frozen meals and people offering to babysit my kids.
Sometimes I am cancer victim, sometimes I am strong warrior, sometimes I am mom, sometimes I am partner, sometimes I am friend.
At the end of the day, I am still me, no matter how many times my shape has shifted.

Peace Out

Hypocrisy

Pronunciation:

\hi-ˈpä-krə-sē also hī-\

Function:

noun

Inflected Form(s):

plural hy·poc·ri·sies

Etymology:

Middle English ypocrisie, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrisis, from Greek hypokrisis act of playing a part on the stage, hypocrisy, from hypokrinesthai to answer, act on the stage, from hypo- + krinein to decide — more at certain

Date:

13th century

1: a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not; especially : the false assumption of an appearance of virtue or religion2: an act or instance of hypocrisy

This word has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been rolling it around in my head. Like a marble in a jar, it keeps clanging on the side because it's the only thing in the jar. A few instances have come up in conversations for me this week that have led me to write about the subject.
We are all hypocrites in some form or another. Some folks more than others, some folks less.
I do not, for the most part write about my religious views on this blog. That's not the purpose of this blog is for me. BUT, big but here, I am going to mention a few views I have on religion, and how it makes me crazy that there are folks here on earth who think they have the right to tell others what to do.
I feel that hypocrisy and judgment go hand in hand. Christians seem to have the view at times that they have the upper hand with God on other Christians according to what day the go to church, or when the pray, how they pray, etc...
If I have this right, I think the whole gig is accepting Jesus as your Savior and asking forgiveness for your sins is deal. From what I hear, there was only one person ever on this earth that was not a sinner or hypocrite. Jesus Christ. If you are a Christian, that is what you believe.
My family and I have been attending a rockin' church for almost a year now. I love it. It's a great fit for ALL FOUR OF US. But do you know that someone had the audacity to ask my guy if he still believed in the Sabbath. (He was raised SDA) As if that was our barrier to salvation. Instead of being happy that we have found a church home and family, they were more concerned with their agenda. It blows my freakin mind. WOW! Do you have the bat line to God? Do you think he's pissed we're going to church on Sunday? Well, if he is, let's let him worry about that, not you.
This seems to be a constant in our lives. Nothing is ever good enough.
Stop, stop, stop the madness. The more people push up on me or my loved ones, the more I will push back. Now there's some anger you can judge! And I'll tell you what, it feels so good to get mad at something other than cancer. Honestly, cancer has ignored all my requests to go to hell.
I am a sinner. I am no more churchy than the next gal. I struggle, I get angry. I rebel against the forces of unfairness. I gossip, I cuss, I drink, I eat red meat. Pray for me if you think you need to.
But do not judge me for you are no better.

Peace Out

Ugly Stick

Dude,
I feel like I have been beat with an ugly stick.
I look like I fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
My hair is in a really funky way these days. Not to mention my entire body. I feel like a frickin mess.
This fro I got is not doing me any favors.
I am having some ugly days that are turning into weeks, that are turning into months.
Since when did I worry so much about my outward appearance? I feel like a train wreck. My hair and body betraying me. I was never the purdiest girl in the room nor did I howl at the moon. But these days I am looking like a before shot all the time.
Do I just not have enough to worry about (cancer) these days. so I focus on all the surface shit?


Peace Out

Fini

January 25, 2008. My last day of vitamin H. My last day of treatment. I am done. I am finished. I am happy. I am a bit scared. Flying without a net. I don't think I will really realize it until a couple of months have gone by and I didn't have to arrange child care and get my self to the hospital only to get a couple of hours of rest while I get juiced up.
And now I get to heal. For the first time in almost 18 months I will not be pumping any poison into my body. Hopefully all the swelling and weight gain and creaky joints will slowly dissipate and I can be my self again...what ever that is.
It has been such a busy time around our house. I have let my blogging go by the way side. I feel like all the holidays and birthdays are over and we can get back to a routine of some sort. There is comfort in routine.

Peace Out

Happy Birthday Wyatt

January 6, 2008. Wyatt's third birthday.
Happy Birthday my little piece of glitter.
You're a funny girl. You have an instant smile for those you meet every day. You're a great sister to Elliot.
I find it hard to believe that three years have gone by. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you. I knew that very instant that you were brought here to complete our family.
I love you more than air.

Mommy

You know that I'm Toxic

I have been thinking a lot about what causes illness and cancer and other sucky things like that. There are tons of theories. There's the environmental theory, the food theory, the lack of vitamin theory, the karma is a bitch theory,the stress theory, and the genetic theory. I could go on and on. But in the end, will we ever know FOR SURE? Why do some folks get it and some don't. Why does it sometimes seem that there might even be some who deserve it more than others. hee hee I know you loved that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We can't exactly cast misfortune on folks but we my know someone we wish might stump their toes or something...
For those of you that are healthy and cancer free, do the rest of us a favor and don't play soothsayer. Don't act like you possibly know what the real cause is, because even our docs don't know. We don't know. I mean, holy cow could it it all the house cleaners I use? The alcohol I drink? The meat I eat? The grudges I hold? Am I a bad person? Am I good person with shitty luck?
Keep your theories to yourself and I will keep my putrid, black, hateful thoughts away from you. Unless of course you dig that kind of stuff. I know some who do...And I love them even more for it.

Peace Out

Catch My Disease

I thought long and hard last year what I would feel like and look like this year.
I wondered what cancer free would look like. If that's what I truly am...cancer free. Are we ever cancer free? Is it ever off our minds and our hearts? Does a day go by that we don't use the word cancer in a sentence?
No matter how life goes on or how busy we get, do we recover?
Looking in the mirror from the neck down on any given day reminds me. I now call my chest the bone yard. I mean that affectionately of course. Anthony says I should get a set of wings tattooed on my chest, yet have the wings coming off a rib cage. Yea, he thinks he's funny sometimes. I will not mention other funny things he says.
Ugh, sometimes I am sick of me.
Anyhoo, we survived Thanksgiving and we are on the Christmas. The girls are excited and life is busy. How dare I complain huh?
I have been an absent blogger I know. My head is filled with things to write yet my time is never idle these days to sit and type. Maybe after the new year!

Peace Out

My head is a box full of nothing
and that's the way I like it
My garden's a secret compartment
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
Your body's a dream that turns violent
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
The winter is long in the city
and that's the way I like it

So please
baby please
Open your heart
Catch my disease

-Ben Lee

Not The Marrying Kind

I am not married.
Despite the fact that I have two kids and a committed relationship with the same man for 8 years...I am not married. Nor will I be. i have no plans to be married nor does my partner.
For me, the is nothing that a legal document can change anything for me. i will not be more of a mate of a better mommy. I will not change my name or my status in society. Our I's are dotted and our T's are crossed. We have insurance policies and health care. I have all the papers documented. So why would I get married? Let me think about that.
I have been asked many times when we will marry. Too many to count.
Do you want me to marry for religious reasons? If so, give me those reasons and I will think about it.
My relationship with my partner is not one of either one of us dying to make it all "legal." I admit, there was a time that I thought we would and I truly wanted it. But a lot has happened in these eight years that has me to believe nothing would change. Being married doesn't make people stay together. Commitment, compromise, devotion. That's what keeps my family together. Some of you who read this are married. Perhaps not your first marriage. Being a couple is never easy 100% of the time. and a ceremony will not change that.
We are a family, the four of us. Nothing, nothing will ever change that.

I'm a girl, I'm a boy
And the goddess meant for me only joy
And real love requires you, give up those loves
Whom you think you love best
Love puts you through the test
And only loyal love will be me happiness
-Sinead O-Connor

Peace Out

Bitchology

This was sent to me by my favorite preschool teacher...You know who you are ;)


When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way,
they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a
bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being
everyone's maid,
or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly
am
and
won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is
nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every
ounce
of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Bold
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

"If you can't do something right, get a woman to do it."

The Sweetest Dream of All

You were dreamt of on a lazy day.
Your long eye lashes looking up at your mommy as you nursed.
Tiny fingers wrapping around locks of hair.
Your heavy breathing with fluttery eyelids.
Your quick heartbeat that only babies have.
The smell of your smooth creaseless skin.
You were so dreamy and ended up being a misty thought.
You were here and then you weren't.
Your mommy missed you but never knew you.
Tears came and plans changed.
You'll always be in your mommy's dreams.
Sweet sweet dreams.

Peace Out

My First Hair Cut

Friday night my friends Anna And Kevin came over with their little boy Silas for a slumber party. My fashionista amiga Anna, who is a hair stylist, gave me my first hair cut since it grew back!! That is,she trimmed up the fro. I have not had a hair cut in a year. Last year when I knew I would loose all my hair due to chemo, I went and cut it all off. I cut off 12 inches and sent it to Locks of Love. http://locksoflove.org/donate.html
At the time I had long dark straight beautiful long hair. I think now it seems almost black and fro-ish.
The drinks were flowing and the music was good. We were silly and and had a great time. The kids played and giggled.
She works at Salon Joseph in Seattle if you want a great hair style and a lot of laughs!!!!!!!!!
600 W McGraw Street
Seattle, WA 98119-5801 Phone: 206.285.1113

Anna Schumacher

Heaven and Hell

Can you pin point the moment your life felt like it would fall apart if even a small breeze came through your window?
Was it call from your doctor? Was it a confession from a loved one?
I am not in the business of hurting folks. I would rather take the pain on myself to rescue others from hurt.
Hell on earth is watching the people you love get hurt. Especially children. I would do anything in my power for my girls to never feel pain. Emotionally or physically. Any parent would.
Heaven on earth is the joy of raising happy children. Helping them to be good people.
I love my family. I want to honor them and keep them from pain. I want to be a shield that will take the flying arrows. I never want to be the bringer of pain. And if I do, I am sorry. I am so sorry.

Peace Out

FroMullette

I have mentioned my hair, the Cho Fro, haven't I?
The fro I go after chemo.
The hair that has become a mullet.
The FroMullette, as it have been named by Anna and Kevin.
Oh yea, it's getting big.
I have NEVER had curly hair in my whole life that was not chemically induced. It's a whole new ball game here folks. New products. New style. Complete confusion. Don't get me wrong, I am sooooooooo happy to have hair these days!
I was reading a fellow bloggers entry about a certain hair commercial. It's a commercial that I had seen the other day. These chicks swinging their hair everywhere. The announcer implying that it's how hair should be. As if all the world's problems would be fixed if we used this product and our hair flowed as the model's did. Maybe that's right. If I had good hair, cancer would dim in comparison. World hunger and suffering would come to a halt if we all had sexy hair.
I refuse to name the product and give it ad time on my blog.
I will say, I may go but it and rub it all over my now erased flat chest and see if it feels better. :)

Peace Out

The Path

Some say that the path to heaven is through hell.
I have some friends who probably believe that. Not in a literal sense, but definitely figuratively speaking.
I had a girl's night last week with my cancer club friends. We had a great time. As I looked around the table I saw some women who definitely felt like they they had been through hell.
N-she's the furthest out from diagnosis and treatment. She's our mentor. She's got some cute little man made boobies and a great laugh to go with them.
C- has a new man, a new house and looking for one boob to go.
A- our actress and house funny girl.
K- keepin it real with her dark side.
C- growin hair and boob shoppin'.
P- sly smile and great humor. Her hair is circa Mia during the Sinatra days.
S- always has the best shoes and attitude.

We drank and ate and laughed our asses off. Folks probably looked over at us to see what all the noise was about. These days you can't tell what we've been through by just looking at us. We have hair, pink skin, and boobs(some real, some not). Out humor can be quite dark. Our jokes completely distasteful. We have the same path, just some different turns in the road.
We all wake up on this side of the grass and that's a good thing.

Peace Out

Wazzup

What's up? My I have been busy.
I wish I could even list all that has been going on. Nothing bad. Just life.
School
Soccer
Gymnastics
Volunteering
Laundry
Halloween
Sleeping
You know, the usual stuff. At the end of the day I am pooped.
This week the girls and I are going to Texas to see my folks. Anthony is going to Maui on a dude surf trip. Then we will go to Oregon for turkey day and after that, Anthony is off to a business trip.
We had a great Halloween. The girls dressed as puppies.
The year is coming to an end amazingly quick.
Hope all is well for you.

Peace Out

My New Job

I just realized today that I have a new job. It's called being the mother of a kindergartener. Yup, it's a full time job.
The pay is not that great and I work about 25 hours a day.
You see, I don't like to be booked up and scheduled too much. The pinch is, I am, now that Elliot has started big girl school. Some of it is self imposed and some is having 2 kids. I have a dear friend that has been busy since the day I met her. She never seems to tire or complain. I on the other hand do nothing but bitch and moan. She says I have a sense of entitlement, and I do. I am entitled to complain about being busy.
I constantly feel like I am forgetting something. If you have ever heard of chemo brain...I have it!
I can't remember things and words and sometimes the names of my children. I do not kid here. I seriously can't remember anything!!!!!!!!!
I know that there a folks in the world that would line up for my problems. I have a good life. Just right now, I feel as though I am falling down a deep deep abyss.
On top of it all, a lady at the grocery store today asked me if Wyatt was my grand daughter. Do I look that freakin' fried?
Perhaps so. I need a raise and more comp time...

Peace Out

My Bum Is Talking To You

This afternoon after church, Wyatt, my two year old daughter, was cooking lunch with me. As she stood there stirring a pan she let out a really huge toot!!!!!!!!!!

Me: WYATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wyatt: (smiling) My bum is talking to you.
Me: What's it saying?
Wyatt: It saying I love you.

I hope she tells her husband that someday.

Peace Out

My Daughter's Mother

I am the mother of two female children. I have no idea what it would be like to mother a son. I am sure there are many things I would do differently if I had boys, but I don't and the point is moot.
I think about the kind of women I want my girls to grow up to be. I don't mean in the sense that they should be cheerleaders or scholars, jocks or musicians. I mean in how they treat themselves and how the expect others to treat them.
We teach children to be kind to others, but do we teach them to be kind to themselves? Do we teach them to love themselves? Did your parents tell you to love yourself? Maybe the did, maybe they didn't. Did they tell you that you are smart? Did they tell you that you could be anything and do anything you set your heart to?
My mom did not tell me these things. I saw things as a child that no child should even know about. I saw things that would make me hate myself. I was not told to go to college. I was not told I was just fine the way I was.
I feel as a mother of two girls, I really need to invest in their self worth. I know every child should have that, I am just focusing on my girls.
I take great care to NEVER say the words "I'm fat." I take care to never give the impression that life would be better if I were physically different. A major reason I will never have reconstruction on my mastectomy is the fact that I need to show my girls that there is no physical attribute that will define who I am as a woman/human. I am not against what others do. I just need to do this in my house. Which is another lesson. Don't worry about what others do or think, worry about what feels right in your own house.
We talk about eating healthy and exercising to be healthy. These two subjects are not moral issues at my house. You are not good or bad for the choices you make. We just imply healthy choices make you feel good. There's no judgment whether you eat meat or junk food. Eating fried tofu can kill your heart just like a french fry. Don't get uppity with me about this.
My friend Shannon sent me the link below. It got me thinking about all this.
If we do not teach girls they rock no matter what, believe me...someone else will, and they do not love your children.
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.co.uk

Peace Out

Think Pink

I have gone pink for the month of October.
October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month.
If you are reading this blog, you have been touched by breast cancer. I may be a friend, or relative, acquaintance, or the lady you pass at the grocery store. Whatever I am to you, consider yourself touched. You now know someone with breast cancer. You lucky devil :)
The good news is, I am not contagious. The bad news is, I have no boobs.
I kid, I kid...
I hope and pray that if you do know me, or if you read this by chance, that I am the ONLY person you know who has breast cancer. May it never touch your life again, or mine.

Peace Out

Disassembled

A year ago I had a double mastectomy.
At that time I felt as though I was slowly being disassembled. I felt as though I would gladly remove what ever body part(s) I needed to to see my girls grow up.
A lot can happen in a year. Wounds heal. Hearts mend. Despair can be replaced by hope.
I have been through chemo. I have cried many tears. I have gained many pounds. My body at times does not feel like my own. But my life is my own. I live it gladly, lumps, bumps and all.
My children are awesome, My relationship with my partner fulfills me. My family is thriving and I have the best friends a person could want on this earth.
Inshallah. That's what is it.
You can take pieces of me away, but I will come back every, better for it each time.

Peace Out

3day Walk

I have not been able to really blog about this walk. In my own selfish way I have kept it to myself so that I could roll it around in my head for a while. You see, it was amazing. I have not been able to come up with the words to fully explain it all. It's just too much. There are SO many things to say but I can't.
I will just say this, we laughed our asses off. We might of cried a little too. It was simply the best. I can not do it justice by blogging about it.
Just know I loved it. It physically took a lot out of me and my team. I have decided I would do it over and over just to capture that feeling again. It's like a drug.
I love you Lickity Splits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out

My Personal Pity Party

I have not blogged since before the walk. Since I got home from that I have been having a little pity party for my self. Here is a list of reasons why...in no particular order:

I am tired beyond words.
I have lost a toenail.
I caught my toddler sticking Polly Pocket shoes up her hoo hoo.
I have had a cold.
I found mouse poop in my storage drawers downstairs.
There is orange marker on my walls, carpet, and couch.
My fro is starting to make me look like Elvis (the fat Elvis).
My other half wants me to go through stuff to make a dump pile. Sure, right after I cook dinner dear.
My calendar is booked EVERYDAY this week. That alone makes me pissy.
I have not had the time or energy to blog or read blogs.
I have Vitamin H on Friday, which may be a needed break, although it means going to the hospital.

Oh I could go on and on. I want to blog about the walk and all the hilarious stuff that happened but I have yet to get there.

Pity....party of one, your table is ready...

Peace Out

Too Tired To Blog

This week has kicked my rear.
Hope to blog next week.

Peace Out

Madness doesn't always howl. Sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

Do I Know You?

I had an interesting thought today. We were out and about with the girls and our dog. I saw this woman that had very short hair, like it was growing out from being shaved. I could not take my eyes off of her. As she turned around I noticed a huge scar from her ear to the back of her head. I stood there thinking, hmmmm I wonder what that's all about.
That incident led to this blog. I got to thinking, do the suffering have a sense for each other? Do people who go through some kind of trauma seek each other out in crowds? Do we pass others and look for the sign? The slight smile when seeing a bald head, or flat chest, or pink wrist band. Words are rarely spoken. Do we seek out those who have same life experiences as ourselves? As my friend Jason said, if you drove a certain car, say a jeep(I used to have one) wouldn't you notice other jeeps all the time? My answer was YES!!!! That's what I'm talking about!
Here's a little story that proves my point: How I got discovered in Target.
When I first started chemo I was in Target one day giving my girls the best nutrition Target has to offer...hotdogs. As I was sitting there trying to keep the mustard volcano from taking us over, I noticed a woman standing at the counter. She has really cute SHORT hair and a pink wrist band. I was almost completely bald and wearing a hat. We were checking each other out. We had "the look." We had no choice but to start talking. She had just finished chemo and asked me if I was going to any support groups. I said I wasn't and she invited me to hers. We traded emails and I am proud to say that she, Carol, is my friend and my hero. If it weren't for her, I would have never joined cancer club. I wouldn't be doing the 3day walk, I would not have some of the most amzing women in my life.
So see? maybe we do seek each other out. Maybe we feel we are different from the population and we need to find others who know our plight.
If you see me round town come up and say hi, unless I find you first.

Peace Out

Morning/Mourning

The end of summer is nearing, as is my life as I know it, or should I say, as I have known it for 5 years.;
Elliot starts Kindergarten next Thursday. Due to that fact, I have named this installment:
Morning/Mourning.
Next week starts the end and the beginning of something.
Mourning-
The end of something.
I am hit hard by the fact that Elliot is five and not a baby anymore. Since she was born I have done my best to take care of her, entertain her, and educate her. As next week approaches, it will be in someone else's hands for half a day, five days a week.
Morning-
A new beginning.
Babies are only babies for so long. Way too soon, you have to let them walk on their own. And so it goes, my oldest heads to school. Backpack full of goodies. Excitement in her heart. She has no fear. These last five years I have done all I could to make her strong and confidant. Not to toot my own horn, but my goal has been accomplished. She is so kind. She is gentle. She's a little mommy looking out for her sister. I could not be any more proud of her than I am. I know she'll do well intellectually as well as socially.
She's my rock star.

Peace Out

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...
-Semisonic

Wide Open Spaces

Last night I went to Cancer Club. I feel like I have wind beneath me to carry another month until we convene again. Those women make me laugh and cry.
I want to give a shout out to my friend Sarah. I met Sarah on the my last chemo Feb 1, 2007. She was still in treatment at the time. Bald but totally beautiful, as was I(bald). There was this connection for me. This intangible- I get you, I know you- thing that sometimes comes when you met someone in the same boat as you. We had some laughs, exchanged emails, off we went on our way. Then I saw her at Club last night. I didn't recognize her with all her hair! We went around doing intros and she said her name!! I was thrilled! My homey from GHC. Welcome Sarah! SO good to see you again.
I was listening to Dixie Chicks this morning on the tread mill. I was walking and crying at the same time. Something I never knew I could do. I am quite uncoordinated. Anyhoo, the words really hit me this time. I have heard the song a million times. I was thinking about the line that says-She won't be coming back with the rest, If these are life's lessons she'll take the test.
That's really how I feel. I am different. I have less body parts, I have no tolernace for silly stuff, but I have this life. I am living a life that I didn't completely agree to, yet here I am. Living. I am not a survivor, I am surviving. I am waking up everyday on this side of the grass and that's a good thing.
I have a new name for my hair do. It's my ChoFro. My fro from my chemo. ChoFro. Smooth over the tongue huh?

Peace Out





She traveled this road as a child
Wide-eyed and grinning she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take the test
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
-Dixie Chicks

Per the Queen's Request

1. What do you enjoy MOST about blogging?

Venting, giving out info so I don't have to tell the same story over and over.



2. Are you happy with your blog/website?

Why, yes I am.



3. Have you altered your blog template or does it display it's original settings?

I have. I started out with shades of pink, I am now moving away from that in my recovery from breast cancer.



4. Do you post many pictures on your blog/website?

Sometimes



5. What made you decide to begin "blogging"?

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer a second time, I decided that I would use a blog as a journal, and as a way to communicate where I was in treatment when I did not feel like talking to anyone.



6. Do you make money with your blog?

Nope



7. Do you post personal info on your blog?

Only to a point. It may seem that I do, but in reality I guarded in what I do tell.



8. To your knowledge does your spouse and/or loved ones read your blog?

Yes



9. Where do you access your blog? (home, work, library, etc.)

Home, I am a SAHM.



10. Have you ever posted a YouTube video on your blog/website?

No



11. Do you list the blogs/websites of friends/loved ones on your website?

If I only know how, I certainly would.



12. On average, how many comments do your posts receive? Most? Least(if not 0)?

1 maybe



13. Is your blog a creative outlet? A soapbox? A record of your life for future generations? All of the above?

All of the above.



14. What is the one thing you would change about your blog/website?

I already changed it. I will no longer accept anonymous comments.



15. Would you like me to post an entry later displaying your blog/website address? If so, tell me and leave me a link to your place in a later post.

That would be great.



Peace Out

Obsessed

I am obsessed with salad dressing.
I have about 7 in my fridge right now.
I am constantly looking for THE dressing.
Today I bought blue cheese vinaigrette for a steak salad.
What the hell is wrong with me?

signed me...
Obsessed With Salad Dressing

Makin' Coffee

I do not know how to make coffee. I don't want to know how.
When I was a flight attendant, all I had to do is stick a pre-made coffee packet in a slot and push a button. Bam, we had coffee.
Here at home we have a coffee maker that is like an alien that sits on my counter. Anthony knows how to make it, and so he does.
I realized this morning that out of all the things I do and know how to do, I do not want this skill. There is something nice about having someone you love make coffee for you. Just like a peanut butter sandwich or grill cheese. You can make it yourself, but it tastes better when someone else makes it. The molecules are different when made by other hands. It's just magical.
I feel taken care of and pampered when I smell coffee and I am still in bed. I know that my man has made it for me. Please know that I am not a pampered kind of chic. So this one little gesture makes me feel like the Queen of Sheba.
My hope is that all get this feeling over something so small, yet so big at the same time.

Peace Out

Gym

Did you know that Gym and I broke up this summer?
Yup, we did. He was way more upset than I was...Still is, if you need the truth.
Anyhoo, he would NOT stop calling me and bugging all summer. We agreed he could see other people, but I was going to take some time and be alone. It's me, I told him, not you.
I played the field all summer. I did what I wanted, took walks outside. I didn't really commit to anything, and for a while I really liked being so free. But then the other day I got this pang. I felt like I needed to go see Gym just to see if he was still heartbroken over our "time off."
You know what? He hardly recognized me. There where women all over him!!!!!!!!! Skinny, fit chicks! WITH BOOBS! Now I can only tell you this, but I was so jealous! Here I was looking overfed and pudgy and Gym had gone on with his life like I had never left! How dare he! So I started flirting with him and made him realize he missed me even though all those other women kept coming around.
We are getting back together but he thinks it's his idea. Silly Gym. ;)

Peace Out

Thursday 13

Thirteen reasons I love going to book club.

1 I love to read
2 We meet at a restaurant
3 I love to eat
4 I love the gals who are members
5 I love to read a book I usually wouldn't pick
6 I love a night out to myself
7 I love not having to share dessert with my kids
8 I love having a glass of wine with my dinner
9 I love catching up on gossip
10 I love to talk about books
11 I love it when book talk turns to other subjects
12 I love listening
13 I love that sometimes we go to the movies instead

Peace Out

Moaning Meme

4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.

1) CANCER
2) Cars with radios so loud I can hear it in my house with all the windows closed.
3) Smoking
4) People who lie and/or cheat in any form.

3 things that people do that make you want to shake them violently.

1. Act passive-aggressive and then act like they have no idea what you are talking about when you call them on it.
2. Chew food or gum with mouth open and smacking.
3. Correct my children when I am standing right there.

2 things you find yourself moaning about.

1. Hotflashes
2. My weight.

1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.

That my bullshit meter is very low.

THE RULES
* Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.

* Be as honest as possible so people will get to know the real you.

* Try not to insult anyone unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly.

* Post these rules at the end of every meme

100 Things About Me

In no particular order...Some things you may know, some you may not.

1. My mother gave me the middle name Gerine. I hated it my whole life and I dropped it. The government knows me as Maria Ewing. Gerine only exists on my birth certificate.

2. I hate seafood but I will eat a tuna sandwhich. You know with pickles, mayo, and stuff.

3. I didn't think I would ever have children. I have two and wish I could have four.

4. The first boy I kissed was when I was in 6th grade. His name is Greg Hammer.

5. I HATE it when people smack and pop their gum. So low rent.

6. I have had 6 jobs in my life. I am not including motherhood. That's the most time consuming...

7. I was baptized Catholic.

8. I love shoes and have too many.

9. I was a cheerleader in jr high and high school.

10. I just recently started drinking coffee.

11. I have kissed a girl, with tongue.

12. I love reality TV, 24, and Lost.

13. I love fall and rainy weather. That's why I moved to Seattle.

14. I have four tattoos. I may get another one. Who knows.

15. I have had breast cancer twice.

16. My favorite color is red.

17. I was a gymnast from age 5 until 14. I competed regularly. I went to soooo many gymnastic camps every summer of those years.

18. I had an opportunity to live in NYC when I started flying and I was too scared to do it. I regret not moving there to this day.

19. I am related to Helen Keller.

20. I do not have a relationship with my biological mother.

21. I have not been to Europe.

22. I have a very healthy self esteem.

23. I like hamburgers, I like cheese, I don't like cheese burgers.

24. I lived in a trailer park as a kid and consider myself white trash.

25. I am a democrat.

26. My mother was abused and I had a long relationship with someone who abused me.

27. I had two c-Sections.

28. I have had stick straight hair my whole life and now, after chemo I have curly hair!!!!!!!!!!! I so deserve it. Cut off your tits, get better hair. Seems fair.

29. If I were on death row and I was asked what my last meal would be, I would ask for chicken friend steak, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans cooked in bacon.

30. I think vegetarians should only get to eat vegetables. None of this fake meat, chicken and cheese stuff. If you don't want to eat meat don't try to fake yourself out. Believe me, that crap tastes like crap.

31. I would rather cook with gas.

32. I was born in Denver but moved to Texas when I was 3. I moved to Seattle in 1998.

33. My oldest daughter looks just like me and me youngest looks just like her daddy. You would not believe that I have been asked more than once if they have the same father!!!!!!!!!!

34. I believe an African American man will be president before a woman.

35. I am a really good cook.

36. I belong to a book club. How Oprah of me.

37. I hate anime.

38. My favorite movie is "The Color Purple."

39. Target is my favorite place in the world and I believe they pump happy gas through the air system to keep us coming back. Yes, yes, drink the kool-aid!

40. I prefer a Merlot to a Cab..

41. I do not have a home phone, only a cell phone.

42. I have only broken one bone on my life. That being a toe. When I was a kid I always wanted a broken arm or leg so my friends would carry my books.

43. When I was almost 9 months pregnant with my second child, someone told me my relationship with my partner will never last. I delivered two weeks later and I am still in the same relationship 2.5 years later.

44. I have worn glasses since 3rd grade.

45. I hate passive-aggressiveness.

46. I have done 2 sprint triathlons.

47. I always have my toenails painted.

48. I do not like John Wayne or Elvis.

49. I am an only child.

50. I am only half way done with this and have no idea what i will write for the next 50.

51. I believe that I have a book in me. I seriously think I will have a book published some day.

52. I have walk on the field of Texas Stadium where the Dallas Cowboys play.

53. I am geeked out by swimming under things.

54. My first car was a Chrysler Cordoba with rich Corinthian leather.

55. I love nachos from 7-11.

56. My first job was at K-mart in the shoe department.

57. One Halloween I dressed up as Holly Hobbey with the hat and everything.

58. Frida Khalo is my personal heroine. I had a cat named after her and I have been to her house in Mexico.

59. I have drank alcohol, smoked pot, snorted coke, taken acid and mushrooms.

60. I truly feel one of the greatest luxuries in life is watching TV in bed.

60. I think O.J. did it.

61. I could o.d. on ding dongs.

62. I make the best scrambled eggs on the planet.

63. I had a Yamaha 60cc motorcycle when I was a kid.

64. I breast fed two kids from one boob a total of 30 months.

65. I love McDonalds.

66. Cannon Beach OR is my favorite place on the planet.

67. I once had a jeep. I LOVED that car. It was my dream car.

68. I am Pro Choice.

69. I always wanted to be a hair dresser.

70. I don't really like to gamble.

71. I do not like to go hiking.

72. Since chemo I do not sleep well. My best sleeping time is 5:30-9:00. In the morning.

73. I didn't eat Thai food until 9 years ago.

74. I had a list of baby names since high school even though I didn't think I would ever have kids.

75. My best friend in 4th grade was named Maria.

76. I really suck at most sports.

77. I am jaded

78. I am cynical.

79. I only trust two people...One of them is me and the other is not you.

80. I have brown hair and brown eyes.

81. I am pretty short. 5'2"

82. Diet Coke is my drink of choice.

83. I am not good at remembering to take pills like vitamins.

84. The smell of vitamins makes me gag.

85. I can remember being a kid thinking I was a really good singer.

86. When I was a kid I wanted to be called Marie like Donny and Marie, instead of Maria.

87. I am Irish/Italian decent. A predisposed bitch.

88. I do not know how to ride a bike without holding on to the handle bars like the cool kids do.

89. My favorite flower is a Gerber Daisey.

90. Bacon is not my best friend, but I love it all the same.

91. I love my children more than air.

92. I think sour kraut is just that, sour kraut.

93. I have free life times stand by passes from my former airlines employer. No, they don't always go anywhere.

94. I have a dog named LaLa that my oldest child named.

95. Both of my children still sleep with me.

96. I would take a rainy day over a sunny day, everytime!

97. Taco Bueno rocks my world.

98. I can successfully navigate the subway system in NYC.

99. Coors Light is my favorite beer.

100. Someday I like vanilla, some days I like chocolate.

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Ok, I have no idea why I named this entry Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. Sounds cool though huh?

Friday night I had a girls night with "Cancer Club."
Holy Cow, we laughed our asses off. How did I get so lucky to have these gals in my life? I guess that I had to get cancer huh?
I have a couple of subjects...just ramblin'...
The girls and I went to Texas last week to see my folks. It was my dad's birthday. At 63 I took my dad to get his first tattoo.He is so proud of it. He's a Harley rider and got Live to Ride on his arm. What a biker!!!
I also got to spend the day with my friend Jacqueline and her family while I was down there. Jacq came up to Seattle to do a chemo with me and she will be here in September to do the 3day Walk with me. I have known her since I was 24 and I love her.
We're still shopping for Jesus. I am digging a church a church we have found. The girls really like church school there and A and I like the pastor and his way of delivering his service. We want to find God, not a religion. Here I go on a tangent...
Organized religion is created by man. Man sets up the doctrines. Man sets up the "rules." I cannot stand the fact that a human can walk this earth and thinks they have the right to judge anyone. It makes me COMPLETELY INSANE. COMPLETELY. Ohh I feel my blood rising right now. There are folks that go to church every week without fail, but sit there in contempt of those who don't do it the way they think we should. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. They enter the house of God, but are they really there? Living your life as a witness does not include badgering and judgment. My feelings on this bottleneck in my fingers as I want to type them out.
I went to the hospital on Friday to have vitamin H. After I finished I was about to get on the elevator. There were two women there in tears. After we all got on the elevator the older one told me that she just found out that her cancer has gone away. She said she was 82 and her cancer is gone after chemo! I thought to myself... Holy cow, I pray to be 82!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My deepest wish in this world to see my grandchildren and be 82 freakin' years old. I gave her a hug and told her how happy I was to hear that!
Elliot's first day of school is getting closer. The 3Day Walk is getting close.
Life is busy. I have genetic counseling this week and maybe some travel that I really don't look forward to. Necessary evil.
I joined a group called Shewhoblogs. This blogging world is so incredible.

Peace Out

Heartbroken

My heart is broke. My K-Dawg is hurtin'. There is nothing I can do but walk with her and support her in any way she needs me.
I'll start from the beginning...
I met K in November at my first Cancer Club meeting. She was soft spoken and quiet and pregnant. We both go to the same health care provider so we knew we had a little bond.
Chemo does not create an organized mind, so it took months before we really connected.
She had her miracle Eleanor and we were starting to see each other more. Sometimes at Club, sometimes on a walk. One night having drinks after CClub.
That's when I realized what a sly devil this chick is. Don't let the quiet manner of the person fool you. She'll throw down a joke or f-bomb, and you won't know what hit you until you wipe your eyes from laughing and your side hurts.
I will not go in to much detail, but I will say that her walk with cancer is going to take a bit longer than she ever wanted NOT to imagine.
There is a plethora of feelings running many of us. Confusion, grief, ANGER. That's right anonymous...hard biting ANGER. We are pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are pissed that anyone of us must go through this in any form.
When we started with this breast cancer journey, none of us knew each other. (When I say we or us I mean Cancer Club)
There's a few of us that are on the same time line as far as diagnoses, surgery, and chemo. It felt like, ok, we're doing good, starting to look and feel "normal." We each have our own story and now we have each other. We can relate. We are not alone. Our family and friends have been there for us, but in reality, it's our bodies that are fighting, not theirs. I am not in any way down playing the support of anyone, just pointing out that in Cancer Club, we have walked in each others shoes.
My point is this...
K-Dawg, your lung is my lung. Your sadness is mine. Your dream to see your grandchildren is mine. I know your have your loved ones there for you, but also know that you have me and Anna. We will do drugs with you, we will hold your hand in treatment. Will will laugh and cry with you. If you need something ask. We will walk beside you and carry you when you feel you can no longer walk.

Peace Out

K-Dawg

You stunningly beautiful broad!
Look at you with your miracle! You carried that child through one of the hardest times of your life. Through surgery, through chemo. She was your reason for hope.
I have my arms wrapped around you tomorrow.
Everything. Will. Be. Fine.
You are one of the coolest people I know. You, with your wry humor and sly smile. So soft spoken and then WHAM! a gut wretchedly funny one liner. You talk like a sailor and I love you for it. You shoot straight from the hip and I like that.
You have a friend for life in me. For a very very very long healthy happy life.
I love you my sista.
As long as one person in this world has cancer, we all do. I am so proud to stand by you!!!!!!

Much love~Maria

The Eyes of Tammy Faye

Did anyone catch Tammy Faye on Larry King Live last night?
I was never a big fan myself, but I saw her on there struggling to take a breath. I wanted to reach out and hold her. She's dying from cancer. I don't really know what kind. It doesn't really matter does it? She's dying. She weighs 65 pounds. It made my stomach hurt to watch her.
This week someone from Cancer Club died. Her husband and children and her parents were at her side. This week her children had to go to bed without their mommy. Devastating. Her parents had to watch her die as did her husband. What do you do with that? How does one contend with that? It is completely unfair. Those children have no mother. A husband lost his mate. A parent lost their child.
So stinkin' sad.





Peace Out

True Colors

I have changed my blog colors.
I changed them for a couple of reasons. One being that I am moving on. I am uninviting cancer to hang out with me.
There are an array of colors there now. Kinda hip don't ya think?
So let's address Anonymous for a sec...
You really pissed me off. You also pissed of some of my Cancer Club gals. They, like me, wonder how you could possibly assume to know anything about how we feel in order to even make a comment. You DON'T want the Pink Possee after you I promise.
Anyhoo,
I am babysitting Baby LoLo today. She's such a sweet thing.
It's a rainy summer day here in Seattle. Anthony has been on another business trip this week and gets back tonight.

Peace Out

Dear Anonymous (this is going to get ugly)

If you are going to leave comments on my blog, then leave your name.
How cowardly to leave a comment on how angry I am. Do you even get it? Do you see the joke? Do you see that it feels good to hate others doing my laundry rather than moping around about cancer?
I have a really good idea who you are. Not to point fingers or anything. Our relationship or lack there of is no secret.
Don't give me your bullshit wisdom :

"Why is life so hard for you express so much pain and stress over laundry. Anger damages and creates unhealthy immunities. Let the dirty laundry go. Life is more than laundry."

UGGGGGGGGGGGGG
You know you are so right. I should really change...
Did you proof read what you wrote? I think you left some words out. That is a tell tale sign of who you are.
I cannot stand people like you.
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's how I really feel. How's that for anger?
Fuck you and fuck cancer. Fuck having my body chopped up. Fuck seeing friends die. Fuck the fact there is no cure. Fuck people doing my laundry. Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck people who leave anonymous comments as if it will change me. Fuck people who LIE. Fuck people who have no fucking idea what my life is like. Fuck people who cannot take a joke.
This is my blog. If you do not want to have some balls and sign your name to your condescending comments then stop reading it. IT'S NOT FOR YOU OR ABOUT YOU.
You don't know me. You have no idea what or who I am. Don't give me your sanctimonious shit about anger. I have no respect for you or how you conduct yourself. At least my emotions are real and out there. No one would ever call me passive-aggressive.
I am more than you will ever see. You will never have the honor or privilege to truly know me.
Fuck you.

Have a nice day :)

Dirty Laundry

I came to the realization today that I do not like anyone doing my laundry. In fact I hate it. I find it curiously gross that one would want to touch my (or my family's) dirty clothes.
I do my laundry the way I like to do it. I know what I want dried and how. Use a certain combo of things that makes my clothes turn out the way I want them. Soft, and as my daughter says, smelling like heaven.
I can hear it now, "Maria needs to control things" OOOhhhhh you bet your ass I do, and so do you. DON'T YOU?
Please, please, let's not get testy. Let's just be real. We all have things we like to have a say so over, and mine is laundry, or at least one of mine.
I think there is something much deeper to someone going into your laundry bag and sorting your clothes. I am not paranoid, I really do. Going through pockets and seeing what kind of underwear they wear is voyeuristic if you ask me.
I also try and use the worlds water and electricity resources in a polite way. I do not wash 3 or 4 things. I have enough folks in my house to make full loads. Yes, you can make your water level lower, but you use full dryer energy weather it's a full or light load.
I would have to say going into my room uninvited creeps me out a bit too. I keep my laundry basket in my closet so you really have to go deep into my space. I have a hot flash just thinking about it! Seeking out dirty stuff ewwwwwwwww! Does one have no personal place?
Believe me when I say, I will not being doing your dirty laundry either.

Peace Out

My Rock Star

Happy birthday baby!
Elliot is 5 years old! I cannot believe it.
Elliot is a lover of music, dance and animals. She is the best big sister anyone could wish for.
If you have known me for very long, dear reader, you would know that I am the last person you would think, that would ever have children. Now I wish I could have two more. Unfortunately, time is not on my side, not to mention cancer.
I love my children more than air. They are my reason for breathing. They are my legacy.
I am honored to be Elliot's mommy.
I love you so much baby. You're a rock star!

I love you,
Mommy

Lil Miss Firecracker

Here she is. Miss Lauren Paige Rataezyk.
Born on the 4th of July. She's a Yankee Doodle Dandie!!!!!
She's as sweet as a cupcake.
Of course I cried like a baby seeing her for the first time.
After the year that I have had, seeing her in this world gives me hope. She epitomizes everything good. As all babies do.
I have been running away from cancer. I have been running from nightmares. Then I see this sweet thing, just minutes old and I stopped in my tracks. I am running towards hope.
Deena and Josh were kind enough to share this miracle with me. She's our new kid on the block.
Mom and Dad are doing good. Cooper is a VERY proud and helpful big brother. Olivia beams with pride. They are complete.

Peace Out

The Space In Between

I went to "cancer club" last night. I love the gals there. We even went and had a drink afterwards. my goodness it was fun. My tummy hurts from all the laughing.
Someone was there at group last night that I had never met. She's been struggling with breast cancer since her senior year in college back in 1997. She did not look healthy. She did not look well. She's very very sick. She has been doing some form of chemo for the last 10 years. She will be on chemo for the rest of her life...however long that is.
We all spoke of living in the space between. Cancer patients don't like the gray areas. We can deal with black and white. Good and bad. But not, maybe and sometimes. Cancer can feel like the space between.
What is cancer anyways? Does it have gender? I think of cancer as male. I do not wish to share a drink or a meal with cancer. Cancer doesn't have my well being in mind.
Here's the good part, if cancer kills me, it kills itself. I am merely a host to the asshole who has taken up residence in my body. It's gone when I'm gone and that's one less muther fucking cancer in the world. Unless of course...



I kill him first.

Peace Out

Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,
I wish I could be with you on this special day. I wish I was with you at every Father's Day.
I love you so much. I hope you truly know that.
There are times when I have felt like you and I have grown up together. We are so much alike.
I will never forget when I was going to my first gymnastics meet. I was about 6 and the night before I was very excited and nervous. You told me that all I could was my best and that was the best I could do. The next day I had my meet. As usual you had to work, but I remember coming home with ribbons. Now, I have no idea the color of them, but I knew I went out there and did my best. I have carried that with me my whole life.
You have given me my warped sense of humor and my courage. You have told me that I was the only person in this world who would never let me down. Sometimes you were right, but thank goodness sometimes you were wrong.
All I have ever really wanted from you is your love, and I know that you have given that to me. I feel in return, I have given you Elliot and Wyatt, to show you what your love has taught me. Having them shows me a depth of love only a parent can have. I know how much hell I have raised and how much I have worried you now. I know even as an adult, you will always be there for me no matter what.
Seeing you sad or worried about me being sick breaks my heart. I want to take all that worry from you and tell you that I will be fine. I want to protect you from seeing your only child in pain. I love you so much.
I wish we were together today. Thank you everything you done for me.

I love you with all my heart
oxoxoxox
Mar

Not Just Another Pretty Race

This Saturday is the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. Not to be confused with the 3day walk, this race is a 5k.
This race is more than your average Saturday 5k that one signs up for because they will get a run in for the day. For me and millions of other women, hopefully never you, dear reader, this race is a testimony to those of us that walk, for those who can't.
This race isn't about time and winning. It's about a cure. It's about raising money and awareness. Money that will be used for mammograms and early detection. Money that will be used for vaccines and complete irradication of this disease.
I do not begrudge those who come out to race for a prize. Just know that this race means something to a lot of folks. Breast cancer consumes your whole life and your family and friends. We who have been through it, think about it all the time everyday. All. The. Time.
So see? It's not just another pretty race. For me it is charged with emotion. I will feel honored to stand among my peers and know we share something. Some of us are healthy, some very sick. Some of us will hold our grandchildren, some of us won't.
This race is special to me.

Peace Out

Vitamin H

Today I had my monthly injection of H. Glad to have it in me. It was a relaxing experience today. No one pulling and tugging on me for entertainment. No one yelling MOMMMMMMMY!
Just some sweet nurses with light chatter. Got to read a magazine and snooze a bit. Funny how I enjoy treatment these days.
Gearing up for the week end. We are having Uncle Steve and Aunt Marci up from Oregon. The 3day walk is have an expo and I plan to drop by there.
My new car absolutely rocks. I'm telling you, I should not love a car that much.
I have loved not having to go by a schedule this week. No school, no nuttin'! Just letting the day bring whatever it may. I love summer. Now if it would only warm up...

Peace Out

Not Flesh Of My Flesh

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But miraculously my own.
Never forget, even for a minute
You weren't born under my heart,
But in it.