Saturday, November 24, 2012
Call them what you may. I used to have them. Now I don't. I had them for many years. Then for reasons beyond my control I cut them off. Then for reasons within my control I chose not to replace them.
I have had many people ask me why. Why not get new perfect round plump titties? This blog will help you understand.
Many of you who read this blog have never known the me who had boobs. You may only know me virtually so of course you don't know what they where like. You may only know me post surgery so you only know the "BONE YARD". You may know me with boobs and now...boobless.
Let me explain...
I liked my boobs. They were useful, even before breast feeding. They were perky and round. They stood up perfectly to gravity. They were an object of desire. They fed my children.
THEY TRIED TO KILL ME
You have breast cancer....
what a shitty thing to hear.
That will bring it all home to you. That will sober you up. That will make you see what's important.
I have done this rodeo TWICE.
Twice I have hacked away at my body. And one may ask....why don't you get new ones. I say, because I don't think the third time will be a charm.
I never took much stock in tits. They are like golden handcuffs. Everyone thinks they are soooo awesome. One may think they are the visualization of sex. If you have them you are worthy of sexual worship. If you don't, where do you belong in the world as a woman? A woman that is desired.
no boobs= no desire???????????????????????????????
really? Have I become half woman? Have I become only half desirable?
Because let's be real, I can walk this earth with my foobs (fake boobs) on and none of you would know the diff.. But because I am bluntly honest, and for the most part choose not to wear them, AND choose to tell my story, I am seen as only half of what I am?
Let's rethink sexuality. Let's think about being human.
Let's think of the scores of women who have died. The maimed. The scarred.
I can tell you that from where I stand, I choose to live breastless. I choose to save myself, so how dare anyone want me only if I have boobs...man made or natural. Its an insult. My children want their mother alive. They don't care about the status of my body. I am sure that my husbands daughters would give ANYTHING to have their mother at their side. I am positive that my husband loved his first wife although she only had one breast, I am sure he still desired her. I know he would of done ANYTHING to keep her from dying. I know that he completely accepts me as an amputee.
We all make choices. I am not here to judge them. But perhaps in some very very small tiny way, I am in YOUR life, to make you see that sometimes, if you peek behind the curtain, you will see that what you may see as a -duh i would get me some store bought titties- moment, is not so easy. Maybe you will see that one cannot judge a book by its cover or bra size.
Maybe you will see that I am whole even as not whole.
Maybe you will see I didn't choose this.
Maybe you will see others didn't choose to die.
Maybe you will see that all I want is to hold my grandchildren,
Maybe you will see my pain.
Maybe you will see that decisions are not black and white.
Maybe you will love me unconditionally.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Check it off the list...Thanksgiving 2012.
Having a blended family requires patience and flexability. It requires humor and humilty. It requires putting past greivences aside for a better, brighter future.
My husband and I spent the holiday with my baby daddy's family. Sound nuts? Seemed perfectly normal to me. I have been around this family for 12 years. Since before my oldest was born. These are the people who saw me through having babies, moving house, 2 cancers, the demise of a relationship, the beginning of another, a wedding, and ultimately a holiday. A holiday where we all came together, my new addition of husband and two more little girls. Nothing was akward or uncomfortable. Just good times, good food, and lots of laughing.
We all accept each other, warts and all.
Hmmmmm. Warts and all. It sems to be a theme in my life these days. A category that I feel people fall into. Those who love us warts and all and those who.....simply don't. I am making the choice to only be around those who take all of me. Not the perfect, non-offending, well behaved me. The me that fucks up and stumbles and falls. The me that does stupid stuff. The me that says stupid drunk things. The me humbles herself for forgiveness. The me that wants nothing but love, family, and friendship. The me that cries over loss. The me that craves to do good and be kind but doesn't always succeed.
And that's how we rolled this holiday...the whole fam damily.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
The end of a calendar year makes people look back and look forward. A new year kinda feels like a promise. A promise that THIS COULD BE THE YEAR!
The year for what I ask? I am asking you, the year for what?
I'm going to tell you for what.......
This is the year with no restrictions. No ill feelings. No enemies.
This is the year that I teach my children what it means to live big. How to be kind and generous.
This is the year that I stop being ok with just is, and start pushing for more.
I am honestly sick and fucking tired of this last year. There, I said it. It's been a piece of shit since September.
Go on notice, I'm done. Here's my battle cry- I'm done with the bullshit.
The very good year shall commence and there will be casualties along the way. But that's how this is going to go down. You shed me? I shed you and all the negativity that goes with it.
I'm going to write something and have it published.
I'm going to take tap dancing lessons.
I'm going to teach my children generosity of heart and actions.
I'm going to walk freely where ever I want or don't want and any one can suck it if they don't like it.
I am only going to apologize once. Take it or leave it.
I'm going to travel, hopefully to India.
I'm going to help others.
I'm going to free myself of the guilt of not doing something I don't want to fucking do.
I'm going to say yes to the good and no to the bad.
I'm going to have a kick ass yard and garden.
I'm going to climb a mountain.
I'm not going to do repeats, of anything. It's all new this time around.
I am going to blog freely with out restrictions.
I am going to do a soul search to figure out who my friends really are. If I can only count them on one hand, that's ok. I would rather only have a few that accept me and I them unconditionally, than many that only like me if I don't fuck up.
And, I'm going to miss a lot of people. The well is poisoned. I can't stick around to be tied to the whipping post. I will admit some of it has been in my head and my fault, and some of it was an easy way to find a bad guy.
Peace the fuck OUT
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Decisions need to be made. For the good of all or the good of me?
Monday, November 05, 2012
We all, as humans, fall down. We do wrong. We hurt others. We hurt ourselves.
What sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is our ability to be remorseful. To apologize. To grieve the wrong we have done to others or the wrong we feel is done to us.
I will say today, if you read my blog, if I have hurt you in any way...I am sorry. I would take it all back in a heart beat. I would sail the ocean to show you my remorse. I would write it in the sky. I would draw it in the sand. Whatever it took to take away your hurt I would do.
Saying that one is sorry is not always enough. Sometimes people apologize to make themselves feel better. To take away their own guilt. The offended person is still hurting and really couldn't give a shit how the offender feels.
Just accept me and all my fuck ups.
Warts and all.
Sunday, November 04, 2012
This makes me think of being in school and my flock of friends. And now as my own daughters have their own group of friends, I watch them hang around together.Telling each other secrets. Giggling at things I will never know about.
When you have a child, that tiny small human, you know their every sound and move. What cry means what. They have nothing to hide. In reality you as an adult have nothing to hide from them too. It is a pristine moment in time that two humans know everything about each other. You watch your babys cognitive skills grow and can almost see their thoughts develop as they are made.
It's only as the get older that they learn "privacy". They learn what behaviors we accept and don't. They learn to hide things. Sad but true.
On the other hand a parent learns what question to answer when. A slippery slope. When was your first kiss? When did you first have alcohol. Did you ever do drugs. The questions get harder and the delivery of answers must be carefully timed.
Now I see my daughters with their friends and I can tell by their whispers, there are now things I will never know. That's ok with me. They need their friends. Someone they can trust. Someone who is not a parent or authority figure.
I am so grateful that my girls have wonderful friends. They are nice girls. They have their own jokes. Their own likes. It's a part of them all growing up, learning to trust others.
I am not my children's friend. I am their parent. I am not raising children, I am raising adults. The lessons they are taught right now, through every person that touches their lives, will shape them into the adults they will become. I am so thankful for the circle of friends they have. I do have a careful eye on who is in their lives. I hope my children will gravitate towards like individuals. Birds of a feather flock together.
Saturday, November 03, 2012
The folks on the East Coast are left trying to clean up their lives. Some just in survival mode. We sit and watch the news as if it happened on another planet. It could never happen to you....until it happens to you.
I have seen on the news great acts of kindness. Neighbor helping neighbor. Humans being, well, human. I am sure there are those preying on the weak. Shame on them I say. There is a nice place in hell reserved for them, if you believe in hell.
This tragedy has left me thinking about my would plot in the world. Where I live and my own neighbors. I have the BEST neighbors. I really do. A true community. People who would help one another. Whether it be in celebration or in times of need and sorrow. We, on our block, have done everything from pumpkin picking to planting flowers up and down the street for spring to uncover. Babies have been born, loved ones have passed away. All marked with gathering to support one another.
If something like Sandy were to roll up in here, in my neck of the woods, I know who I could count on. I hope they know they could call on me too. I think we would band together to get through whatever nature wants to deal out.
Friday, November 02, 2012
Yes, I am jaded and cynical. Yes I am grateful to be healthy. But dayum I get so sick of all the pink. Pink on EVERYTHING.
Here's a list of the following things you can buy that from what I understand if you buy them you won't get breast cancer ;)
Can you see why the pink wave can be so overwhelming? I have to wonder with alllllll the products that Give proceeds to research, prevention, and the such....Where's the fucking cure?
Women are still dying...where's the cure?
Thursday, November 01, 2012
This month I need to be mindful 30 days in a row.
Whooooosh, not always an easy task but I am up for the challenge.
Fall has firm grip on us. Leaves are falling. The rain has begun. And I can say with complete certainty that it has not been the easiest of Falls for me.
Maybe this post I should just start with pictures from the summer and the good times.
|Sometimes you just gotta go!|
|From my favorite movies.|
|This is Mr Fuzzy Pants. I watch him from my window when on the computer.|
|This is my tree climbing monkey Elliot.|
|Summer date in the verti.|